Thursday, July 21, 2011

She Who Must Be Betrayed.

HEY! This is my 200th flogging entry here. I just lost the $5 I bet that I’d never make it to 200 posts.

Just some quick observations on Wednesday’s
Big Brother.

Boobiac thanked Homophobic Asshole for not nominating her. He had to remind her that Jordumb is the HOH, not him. After all, if Bookie were HOH, Boobiac would still be the actual HOH.

But actually Boobiac was furious with Jordumb for not nominating whom she, Boobiac, had told her to. Boobiac believes she’s supposed to run things always. Boobster, you’re not the HOH. No, you’re not. Stop arguing with me; you’re not.

Cassie advised Dominic to go make a deal with The Vets. Dom bought himself a little more respect from me by refusing to accept the idea of kowtowing to Boobiac. Good for you, Dom.

Adam to Dominic: “Never underestimate the heart of a champion.” In what sense? How much blood it pumps in a minute? Neither of you are champions. You haven’t played before. What are you blathering about?

“Let’s not pull a Porsche-and-Keith,” said Adam as he pulled a Porsche-and-Keith on him. He was advising he and Dom to remain solid allies, even as he has already made a promise that he intends to keep to betray Dom.

Jordumb told Adam to throw the veto competition, and he agreed to it.
WHAT? Adam, when on the block, play for the friggin’ veto, idiot.

Boobiac hates Cassi for some reason, and so does Edsel, formerly Porsche.

Danielle apparently is genuinely working as Dominic’s secret ally. I’m amazed, but it’s making me dislike her less. Unfortunately, saving Dominic involves sinking Cassi, almost the only other likeable player besides Dominic.

But Dom and Danielle are being helped unwittingly by Boobiac’s unreasoning hatred of Cassi. The only real reasons I can see for Boobiac’s loathing of Cassi is that Cassi is incredibly beautiful, while Boobiac, to put it very mildly, is not. She’s the Queen in
Snow White; jealous because her stupid mirror keeps showing her that Snowy is hotter than she is, only in Boobiac’s case, she always looks like the witch with implants, not the queen. I mean Adam is hotter than Boobiac, and Adam is repulsive.

Boobiac thinks that The Vets Alliance (which doesn’t even have a cool nickname yet. Priorities, Vets; get a name!) is her private army, that all are united in following her orders. The art of collaboration is unknown to her. She wishes to be She Who Must Be Obeyed. The thing is, even Jordumb isn’t dumb enough to hand her brain (well, whatever she uses for a brain) and will to Boobiac. It’s almost enough to make me wish Evel Dick had stayed, because he wouldn’t have put up with it. Of course, the reason he wouldn’t put up with it is because he wants his alliance to be
his slaves. He’s no collaborator either.

Homophobic Asshole is supporting Jordumb’s efforts to stop being controlled by Boobiac. Homophobic Asshole and Jordumb are no longer that fond of Bookie and Boobiac. The Vets’ cracks are showing.

Jordumb to Cassi: “I’m being honest.” The odd thing is, she
is being honest. What a weird strategy.

The veto players will be Dominic and Adam (who stupidly intends to throw it) Homophobic Asshole & Jordumb, and, unfortunately, Boobiac and Bookie.

Boobiac is outraged to realize that Jordumb is playing for herself, not for Boobiac. “I’m just scared that Jordan is so easily influenced.” By this she means that Jordumb is easily influenced by people who are not Boobiac. “Cassi is a snake and a liar, so she’s gotta go,” said Boobiac. Aside from lying about her job, Cassi has played a totally honest game so far. Oh there’s a lair and snake in the house all right, in fact several, but the one who concerns me here is the one Boobiac looks at in the mirror every morning as she shaves. Cassi, don’t accept any apples from Boobiac.

Boobiac to Danielle: “Tell Dominic he has to work with us.” Yes, she feels non-alliance members must be her slaves also. She now believes she is She Who Must Be Obeyed. The thing is, Dominic is not about to let Boobiac boss him around. He’s not Bookie.

Boobiac’s self-justification for trying to negate her ally’s nominations is: “It’s not that we’re turning on
[Homophobic Asshole & Jordumb], It’s that they’re not making good decisions.” This means, they’re not following her orders. Those who disobey She Who Must Be Obeyed will suffer the wrath of Boobiac and her eunuch, He Who Must Be a Boob.

The challenge hinged on being able to walk and chew gum at the same time. Jordumb is delighted because she is sure she can do that. I’m not. And sure enough, she was the first eliminated. But what a great evil twist: if you’re eliminated, you can buy your way back in by agreeing to eat only slop for two weeks. Heh, heh, heh. Whomever came up with that twist deserves a raise. And if you’re eliminated a second time, you’re out, but you still have to eat slop for two weeks. (Apparently it’s individual. If you opt for slop, it won’t affect your partner.)

Since it’s an individual challenge, Adam throwing it won’t affect Dominic. That’s good.

Bookie: “At the end of the day, Rachel and I are in the game for the two of us.” Also at the beginning of the day. Also at noon. In fact, 24/7.

Boobiac bragged to us that she “did gymnastics,” so she’s sure to win. Uh-huh. I think she means she “did gymnasts,” or “did gymnasties,” i.e., did the nasty in a gym.

Jordumb: “I think if I had more balls in my mouth...” Do I even need to write a joke here? I played this quote back over and over, because each time I heard Jordumb speculate over how she’d look if she could get even more balls in her mouth, she made me bellow with laughter. How many does Homophobic Asshole have? I wasn't sure I’d even bother to flog this episode until I heard her say that. I guess Jordumb aspires to join the Teabaggers, where Homophobic Asshole’s ignorant attitudes towards gay people will be right at home.

Adam told us that he only gets on motorcycles “when I’m riding bitch on the back.” After all his bouts of homosexual panic the last two weeks, suddenly he “rides bitch on the back.” That is SO gay! He’s a butch Franklin Pangborn.

When Jordumb fell, she was willing to be a committed competitor and buy her way back in with two weeks of slop, but Homophobic Asshole had a fit, and
ordered her not to. Why? I actually respected Jordumb’s immediate decision to go for the slop. She is there to play. Why should it matter to Homophobic Asshole? He doesn’t have to eat it. But Jordumb knows her place. She gave him a small argument, but she caved in, and stayed eliminated.

Turns out his reason for not wanting her stuck on slop is that “She has no chance of winning.” Way to have faith in your fiancee.

Boobiac: This just proves more than ever that Brendan and I need to take control back of this house.” And that sentence just proves why no one should let her.

Boobiac started making snide remarks about Jordumb as she continued to play, making Homophobic Asshole steaming mad. The Vets’ cracks widen.

And then Nadia Comaneci, aka Boobiac, fell off her balance beam. Well, even the great Nadia never tried balance beam while chewing gum. Boobster hesitated not one second. She slammed the two weeks of slop commitment into her bowl of balls (I suspect she keeps bowls full of balls wherever she goes. They are -
TROPHIES!) hopped back up on her beam, and went at it again. This is a woman who knows how many balls she can stuff in her mouth from experience, though she usually charges extra for it.

So Boobiac went right back up, and 15 seconds later, Nadia fell off again, now doomed to two weeks of slop to no avail. Sweet.

Being a total control freak, Boobiac now shouted helpful things from the sidelines to Bookie, like: “Don’t fall.” Thanks. He’d never have thought not to fall if she hadn’t yelled that. (No really.) Her idiotic coaching was annoying the hell out of Homophobic Asshole. I guess he and I have something in common after all. Of course, it begs the question of why didn't she follow her own advice, and not fall off.

And yea, thus verily, six episodes in, a Newbie
finally won a competition. Dominic takes a big step up from Lamehood. Sadly, this is not good news for Cassi, but Dom is absolutely safe this week. The worst thing is, this is what Boobiac wanted.

But can Boobiac be happy that her desire to get Cassi on the block now has a shot? Not for long. Homophobic Asshole, angry at knowing Jordumb’s nominations will be nullified, decided to let Boobiac, his supposed ally, know just how pissed off she makes him.

And so Boobiac had her first fit of rage of the summer. She had them regularly last summer. She stormed off into the bushes. Bookie tried to calm her down, but as we saw last year, when Boobiac’s ego is thwarted, her rage is not to be held in check. She has the emotional maturity of a newborn.

In my first column on
Big Brother 13, I wrote “[Boobiac]’s also right that she should nominate from strategy, not emotion this time around, but fortunately, there’s not a chance of her holding to that later in the game, when her ego and anger kicks in." Well here we are at her first kicking in of anger and ego, and strategy flew out the window as she had her tantrum for all the house to see, enjoy, and be reminded that this is the same evil, crazy, control-freak bitch-whore we put up with all last summer. Bookie knew this was disastrous,
and tried to get her mind back in the game, and her emotions out, but fortunately, Homophobic Asshole came trotting over to read her the riot act, inflaming her rage again, so Bookie’s attempts to calm her were for naught.

“I wasn’t not in the lead, Jeff,” Boobiac said, employing a double negative so tortured it was amazing even she could follow what she was saying. For privacy, she stormed off into the bushes and sobbed loudly. This had the effect of keeping everyone’s rapt attention more securely than having her snit out in front of them would have. Well, probably when she’s blowing sailors in the park for nickels, she uses the bushes for privacy too, so why not here?

Boobiac’s sobs are music to me. I should record them on a loop, and play them back to relax myself to sleep. Sob, Boobiac, sob. I adore your misery. It is sweet, sweet wine.

Bookie said he can not have the rest of the house “seeing this craziness.” Bookie, they all saw it on TV last summer.

“I’m a competitor, and I wasn’t not in the lead,” she sobbed out. She can still follow that hideous syntax even when having a major snit? I’m impressed. I was laughing and doing Jell-o shots for every sob, and yet even I couldn’t untangle that sentence.

Queen Kalia, who has been mercifully missing all episode, found Boobiac’s tantrum lame (which it was), and said: “Don’t let your mouth write a check your butt can’t cash.” Good advice, though I have never cashed a check with my butt in my whole long life. The only thing is, Queen Kalia does nothing but write mouthy checks her huge butt cannot cash.

Bookie snapped to a fact that utterly eluded the wacko bitch, that she could get them nominated if she keeps up with this behavior.

Dominic, the first Newbie to win something, had brians enough to celebrate where no one could see ot hear him. He noted how the first Newbie win had reduced Boobster to a screaming infant. Then he celebrated with Adam. Well why not? Adam is the real victor. He kept his promise to the Vets to throw the competition, but gets saved anyway, without breaking his promise to betray Dom. He’s sitting pretty, which isn’t easy for a man so repulsive.

“This is not ‘The Rachel Show’,” said Homophobic Asshole. Oh yes it is. Homophobic Asshole is furious that Boobiac didn’t learn anything from her disastrous play last year. The problem is, Boobiac is incapable of learning.

Example A: Boobiac: “You don’t think Jeff would be dumb enough to put us up, do you?” You see, she still thinks Homophobic Asshole is HOH. Jordumb is HOH, and she’s dumb enough to do anything. Besides, it’s the smart move to put Bookie and Boobiac up. Boobiac would be gone, and though enraged, nonetheless, Bookie would be powerless,
UNABLE TO COMPETE FOR HOH TO TRY FOR REVENGE. Putting them up is the smart move, which is just why Jordumb won’t do it. She’s too dumb to do the smart thing.

Boobiac: “I could be a bitch and be like, I don’t appreciate your girlfriend winning HOH because we let her.” Huh? If you don’t “appreciate” it, why did you let her? That sentence makes no trace of sense, not even for Boobiac. Plus, it’s like
begging to be nominated. I’m begging. Please nominate her!

Boobiac: “No wonder America hates me.” Yes, it is no wonder. However, America doesn’t hate her; only the Americans who have seen her on TV, seen her in person, met her, or smelt her on a bus hate her. People who have never heard of her, and they number in the millions, do not hate her. If “America” hated her, Seal Team Six would have invaded the
Big Brother House last week. Her body would be in the bottom of the sea by now. Those silicone bags she calls her boobs being basically rocks, she’d sink faster than the ratings on Paris Hilton’s new reality show no one is watching. (Did you see Paris storm off Good Morning America when she was asked about how it felt to know her popularity was over?)

Anyway Boobiac, America hates you because you’re horrible.

Boobiac came up and made an insincere apology. Homophobic Asshole said it made him mad because now she was on slop. Why on earth would he care if she’s on slop? I
love that she’s on slop.

Bookie: “‘Cause the last thing we need is to go at it and Lawon win
Big Brother.” The casual, contemptuous homophobia of that throwaway remark was amazing. I guess he was trying to mend fences with Homophobic Asshole.

Homophobic Asshole: “I don’t appreciate people puttin’ me down or my girlfriend.” Tough. I’m going to continue doing it.

Jordumb was on the cusp of nominating Boobiac and Bookie, which would save Cassi, whom Jordumb wants to save. The problem is, Jordumb’s nonexistent math skills.: “It would be the four of us against all of them.” Jordumb you idiot, “All of Them” is 3 people, Bookie, Boobiac, and Edsel. And you would have at least 6 votes, more likely 9 votes. Everyone hates them. But Jordumb was not paying attention the day her class was taught that 3 is less than nine. In fact she paid no attention from the day she entered Kindergarten until the day she dropped out of school for good, which I’m guessing came sometime early in First Grade.

So she was too stupid and scared to follow through with it. She nominated Cassi and Leatherface. Well, hopefully, Leatherface will get voted out rather than Cassi. We’ll see what happens tonight.

Until then, cheers darlings.


Dan said...

Congratulations, Tallulah/Dougie. I'm not a Big Brother or Survivor fan, but your posts about them are always amusing. Also like when you just go off on someone. Thanks for continuing to post here.

D. McEwan said...

I'm glad SOMEONE likes when I "just go off on someone," which I did this morning with a homophobe over on a thread on Roger Ebert's FB Page. Some people do not, rather vociferously.

Michael said...

Hey, there. I've been reading your Survivor and BB posts for over a year now, although I've never commented. I'm sure I'm not the only one. I'm glad that you've decided to continue to share your thoughts with us. I'm pleasantly surprised, as you're giving us more than I was expecting. keep up the good work!

GardenGuy said...

It's always refreshing to read your take on the show, Tallulah. I'm glad you're sharing your thoughts again this season. I laughed at your comment: "The vet's cracks are beginning to show" You can't help butt (c: notice when Boobiac's is on display. Homophobic A-hole had always seemed dumb to me. Not knowing the difference between pedophile and homosexual just showed me he can be dumb and prejudice at the same time.

Tallulah Morehead said...

I'll do a column on the elimination episode sometime today, so check back this evening or tomorrow morning. And thanks for the loyalty, everybody.

Tallulah Morehead said...

And Garden Guy, I almost titled this column: "Showing Cracks".

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