Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Bookie & Boobiac Show.

Random thoughts on Thursday’s Big Brother.

Keith the Idiot: “Porsche
[mis-pronounced as “Portia”], you’re on your way outta the door. Everything is going as planned.” Everything is going as planned, only it’s Boobiac’s plan, not yours, Dumbo.

Porsche: “I feel confidant that the vets are going to keep me around, and give me a golden key. They want me in the game because they see Keith as a strong competitor.” Right and wrong. Oh, they’ll be keeping you, all right, but it’s Shelley and Kalia’s betrayal of The Regulators that keeps you, not the down-in-numbers vets. (Porsche shows an inability to count way the hell up to seven. “Do numbers go that high?” This is a woman who, in trying to count to ten on her fingers, would still lose count.) And no one sees Keith as a strong competitor; they see him as a loudmouthed, semi-sane, obnoxious, loose-cannon, douchebag. You’re staying because no one can stand being around Keith. When you’re in a house with Boobiac, and you’re more hated than she is, you have serious personality problems.

I want to root for the Newbies, as the Vets are all people I can not stand, but yikes, are they playing badly. I do not know what possessed Queen Kalia and Leather-faced Shelley The Huntress to vote for Keith. It was a bonehead play. They
really needed to stick together with the Newbies, and knock out the Vets, but no. Mind you, I’m glad to see Keith gone. He was decorative, but not decorative enough to overcome his horrible personality. But for the Newbies, it was a bad, bad move. The Regulators failed at their very first mission. Lame.

I think Golden Key possessors
should still play in competitions since:

A. Then they are still playing and involved in affecting events beyond their mere votes, and

B. Why the hell else are they there?

Adam is playing well. If he lost his voice, and became totally mute, I’d like him. But he has one schtick: his hollering. What is he, three years old? Shut up, Adam. Hey Eve, stick an apple in his mouth.

Boobiac went on a charm offensive, with the emphasis on “offensive.” Boobiac trying to be charming and pleasant is hilarious. Everyone there saw her on last summer’s show, and knows what an evil, crazy, insufferable bitch she is. She’s fooling no one. The Homophobic Asshole said he might have to “whore myself out" to get votes. Hey Jeff, I’d be glad to rent your services for an hour, but you are not allowed to speak. And Little Dougie will be watching us. Meanwhile, suck Dumbledore’s wand.

The “Big Booty” game was annoying. It’s an Anti-Charm Offensive.

Jordumb said that to get votes she’d play “any game they want to play.” Okay Jordumb, let’s play some
Scrabble. I will wipe up the table with you.

“Vegas Rachel” is pretty much why I never go to Las Vegas, America’s most-tacky city.

Dominic may be the smartest player in the house, and he just
is smart; he doesn’t go around announcing to us that he’s smart. In other words, he’s not like Mr. Mensa last season. He’s just smarter than they are. It’s not his fault Shelley and Kalia are not as smart, and betrayed him.

Brendan to Boobiac: “I can’t focus with you yelling at me.” Oh dear. He’s going to need
thick glasses by the time they’ve been married a year, because that loudmouthed broad will be yelling at him every day. (Their relationship is the perfect punishment for both of them.)

Brendan’s ridiculous hurt feelings about Boobiac tossing her nauseating nickname for him, “Bookie,” around the housemates was over-the-top pathetic. Brendan may have far more severe psychological problems than even Boobiac. This isn’t “Love” ; this is mutual, co-dependant, sickness. As long as they are together, neither one will ever get any better.

“It’s something that’s very private for me,” said Bookie, in the privacy of a top-rated CBS TV show. I expected him to add: “Like the way I still wet the bed. It’s not something I want all of America to know about, America. So please, America, no further.” Yes, don’t tell France.

Bookie: “Rachel is not the Vegas party girl anymore; she is practically my wife.” If that idiot thinks Boobiac will ever cease to be a “Vegas Party Girl" (A euphemism for “whore”), he’s in for a hard ten years. All that will change is he’ll earn the money, and she’ll stop charging her tricks.

Of course, Boobiac wants to keep Porsche around; they’re both VIP Cocktail Waitresses. They should call the show
Big Brothel.

Bookie and Boobiac’s fight over “Bookie” was pathetic. What jerks they are. What a horrible marriage they will have. If they have kids, those poor kids. Bookie thinks Boobiac hollering “Bookie” across the yard “Makes me look stupid.” Bookie darling, you do that all on your own.

“I love you with all my heart,” said Bookie as he intentionally psychologically tortured Boobiac for the sin of saying “Bookie” around other people. What a tool. I’d like him to meet The Knights Who Say Bookie.

Three-headed knight: “We are the Knights who say Bookie!

Bookie: “No! Stop! How can I feel special if you do that?”

Three-headed Knight: “We shall say Bookie to you again, unless you bring us —
A Shrubbery!” Bookie ends up bringing The Knights Who Say Bookie Boobiac’s bush for their shrubbery.

And then Bookie sleeps in the HOH bed while Boobiac is banished to the couch. Excuse me?
She is the HOH, not him. If someone is going to sleep on the couch, it should be Bookie.

Let’s face it, these days, Boobiac has three boobs, one of them named Bookie.

The next day, Bookie is
still torturing Boobiac. She apologized for making him feel “demasculentized.” Well, she said last year that she’s a “chemist.” (Chemist-VIP Waitress-Whore. She’s a triple-threat!) Apparently she never took English along with Chemistry and Whoristry.

Boobiac to Bookie: “You have a hot beautiful fiancee who is in love with you.” He’s engaged to
Two women? Who is the other one, the hot, beautiful one who is in love with him? All we’ve seen is this slutty, hair-dyed, thing with the fake boobs who only truly loves herself. Boobiac’s self-estimation is - well - inaccurate.

Bookie: “I’m trying to get in the medical profession.” Man, there’s a scary thought. Dr. Bookie will see you now. The usual route to a medical career is medical school, not the
Big Brother house. Will being known as "Bookie" do more harm to Dr. Bookie in the medical profession than having been this boob on Big Brother?

Bookie: “I am not going anywhere.” Now that’s true. Bookie is a go-nowhere guy if ever there was one.

Ooh, we got to watch Bookie and Boobiac make out. This helped with my diet, as I then threw up my dinner and some of my lunch. Turns out
DOCTOR Bookie understands that “Demasculentize” is not a real word. In the Diary Room, he corrected it to the proper: “Demasculinate.” Bookie and Boobiac can join my Scrabble game with Jordumb, as clearly I can beat all three of them. If I can lay down “demasculinization” on a triple-word square, I can score 276 points, and none of them will challenge it. Let’s face it, the only words Jordumb can spell are “a” and “I”. Jordumb: “Hey, I got all these other letters. How can I spell ‘a’ with the letters Q U I Z O L P? This is hard!”

Apparently the reason Shelley The Great White Huntress betrayed her alliance is that it was “awesome” to play with players she’d already seen on the show. Being
Big Brother Star Struck is stupid strategy. Adam worships the Vets too, but he has sense enough not to join with them. Shelley, when Adam is a smarter player than you are, you are in trouble. Shelley go shoot a bunny. You are not worthy to bear the name of the divine poet Shelley.

Homophobic Asshole is always such a stupid player. His plan to lure Adam into the Vets’ Newbie-Mind-Slaves Alliance was to let him name the alliance. Oh gee, thanks Daddy. I was reminded of the time my Mother tried to get me to stop being angry and sad about moving to a new town and losing all my friends by letting me name the new puppy. (I went with “Yossarian”.) It worked with me, but I was 10 years old at the time. Adam only acts like a 10 year old. (Haven’t all 10 year olds read Catch-22? Just tell them it’s Harry Yossarian and the Deathly Paradoxes.)

So what did Adam, who at least was playing them, come up with? “Adam’s Angels.” Why? Because “Keith’s Angels” had worked out so awesomely? So Bookie and Homophobic Asshole are “angels”? Somewhere, Aaron Spelling and John Forsythe are rolling over in their graves.

Boobiac’s reaction to “Adam’s Angels” was: “We’ll work on it.” What work? Will she be adding an extension to it, or upgrading it? You’d think they’d realize Adam didn’t take them seriously by the mere fact that he made the alliance name sounded like he was in charge. “Boobiac’s Newbie-Mind-Slaves” would work.

Cassi is both beautiful and smart. She was rallying votes for Keith. Yes he’s obnoxious, but he’s not one of Boobiac’s Newbie-Mind-Slaves, and Porsche is. Queen Kalia told them, and in the Diary Room told us, that she didn’t want to rock the boat, and would vote out Porsche, even though she can’t stand Keith. She said this about ten minutes before voting out Keith. I understand lying to the other players, but why to lie to the viewers?

Shelley: “I don’t know who has the votes... but I’m playing both sides.” At her age, she should be able to work out that 8 is more than 5, but her math skills are on a par with Porsche’s. Well, she’s a recreational hunter. She kills for fun, so she’s decided to kill the Newbie’s (including her own) chances of winning the game. Man, she is leathery. Has she ever been indoors before? You could make shoes from her skin. Robert Redford, as he is today, has better skin.

Evel Dick’s message told us nothing. Danielle can’t say: “I love you,” to her dad in front of the others, but she can say it in the Diary Room on live national TV? Danielle, I do not get you at all, though frankly, given whom your dad is, it’s hard to say how anyone could say they loved him, nor why. I still haven’t figured out how you got sired in the first place. Was your mom blind, or just had depraved taste?

Danielle, please stop whining. No, I didn’t mean get all weepy instead. Man up, woman. If you haven’t spoken to Evel Dick in years, how much can you miss him?

Okay, I did enjoy watching Keith humping Dominic again in the clip from the milk challenge. Dominic must have enjoyed it also, as he was yelling "
Yeah!” as he watched. That was hot. Little Dougie says that if Keith did that to him, he’d squeeze out a milky substance also. (Was the milk challenge in honor of Boobiac’s and/or Queen Kalia’s giant udders?)

Adam, no one cares about your idiot love of “Metal”. Which metal? I like gold myself, in finger-sized bands. I have so many wedding rings now, I wear them on every finger. I call them my "Gold Knuckles." I did lose one a few years ago, when Gollum bit it off, and fell into an active volcano. He did not take that break-up well.

Oh look, Queen Lawon is still on the show. Has he said a word all week? My guess is, he’s been his usual chatterbox flamboyant would-be wit, but never said anything worth putting on TV.

Queen Kalie’s turncoat vote genuinely shocked me. Yes, Keith’s an asshole anyone in their right mind would want out, but it’s just not the smart play right now, and plus, you’ve betrayed your alliance on your first vote.

Shelley: “Shh. Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m hunting Wabbits, and Keiths.” Bad move, Huntress.

I must give credit to Keith; he did not try to hit on The Chenbot. At least, on camera. Perhaps he was too stunned to learn his confidence was misplaced, that his worst enemy was his mouth, and that deliberately throwing the POV competition is a damned stupid thing to do. I knew he was not too bright when I first learned he was a church deacon. First Church of Hugh Hefner.

The poor sap actually got schooled on his wretched gameplay by The Chenbot. How humiliating is that? His idiotic blathering about his game mistakes centered on his not wanting “to fall for Porsche, because she’s hot.” Keith, get your mind out of your crotch and into the game. Oh, too late for that. Porsche’s T-shirt on the goodbye video said it all: “You can look, but you can’t touch.” The real problem for horndogs like this fool is they think they’re cool and subtle and seductive and smart, when in fact, beautiful women like Porsche and Cassi have seen guys with ten times his charm, charisma and seductive power, and a billion times his brain, and survived them. Keith was transparent to them. Cassi, whom I like more and more, nailed it when she said: “You came in here to play The Dating Game.”

What more thrilling competition could there be than the carnage-soaked bloodsport Miniature Golf? It was like Spartacus: Blood on the Putting Green. I slipped into a light coma. I was heartbroken when Jordumb won. I thought Dominic as HOH was exactly what the game needed.

Oh for Christ’s sake, would one of you friggin’ Newbies please win a friggin’ competition already please! You had this great numbers advantage of 8 to 5, and you blew it. Huntress and Queen Kalia, bad play, bad.

What the Hell was Lawon wearing to putt? Halves of two different blazers sewn together? Who is his couturier? Victor Frankenstein? He was wearing a jacket made of two dead coats sewn together and brought to life with lightening bolts.
Frankencoat! I half-expected a torch-bearing mob to invade Studio City, to burn his golfing coat.

Bookie and Homophobic Asshole deliberately throwing the game was lame. What an epidemic of challenge throwing we had this week. They don’t have winners anymore; they have the person who lost least. At this rate, some week these idiots will throw a Have-Not Challenge out of habit and really screw themselves.

Jordumb as HOH. Oh joy. That just means that Homophobic Asshole is the real HOH. Jordumb can’t even spell “HOH.”

They must have run short, because The Chenbot was reading viewer questions to the Houseguests for no reason other than to fill a few empty minutes. I expected the viewer question for Huntress to be: Is your skin naugahyde, buckskin, or rawhide? She is not Rich Corinthian Leather. (Ever seen Poverty-Stricken Corinthian leather?)

Shut up, Adam.

As first weeks on Big Brother go, this one was really pathetic.

Cheers darlings.


aprilinva said...

Tallulah! I am so glad you can't help yourself from sharing your BB thoughts with us. I miss you so over at HP and love you for not deserting us altogether (I suspect I have Dougie to thank for that).

Fuck Jeff indeed. And I think I almost feel sorry for Boobiac. Brendon is a nightmare control freak, but such an idiot that only the most damaged of cocktail waitresses would overlook it. Here's to Dominic lucking into a bit of power. Oh, and don't be so hard on Lawon! His fashion sense aside, I find him sweet.

We'll chat again soon! Take care.

Tallulah Morehead said...

What power has Dominic lucked into? Jordumb won HOH.

You do realize that asking me not to be so hard on someone only makes me skewer them harder?

Dougie deserves no thanks. It's all I can do to drag him away from drooling over the queens, I mean contestants, on So You Think You Can Prance long enough to type these up for me.

But glad you're enjoyng these. They won't be as comprehensive as my Huff Po's were.

Dave said...

You seem to be posting regularly on this topic which is fortunate for us fans of real humor writing at its best.

Lana said...

Bookie? I think Boobiac meant his pet name to be Bukkake. Sorry, I don't know the correct spelling, as I am not a whore, V.I.P. cocktail server.

Tallulah Morehead said...

It's Bukakke, which I happen to know because - well never the hell mind how I know it. In any event, they were all saying "Bookie" as clearly as they said: "Demasculiniate." And really, Bukakke would be a better name for her, except every time you'd say it around her, she'd say: "That'll cost extra."

Seth said...

Thanks for writing your recap! They really got some dumb players this year, the newbies are star struck losers! It's not like any of the vets are stars anyways...I wish past winner Adam could leave the hole, it would be great to see him dancing around the house showing millions his flapjacks...thanks again

Natalie Sztern said...

God forbid I should stay away and use what small bit of intelligence is left; but re Evil Dick's leaving the BBH has me wondering...and yes I have googled and heard from his own lips and those of TMZ etc: BUT did anyone notice that after the diary room door closed Dick looked down for a second to a cell phone? If anyone can go back to that clip you could all have my firstborn grandchild if you can tell me what he looked down at for a second just after the door me it was a cell phone and that was my first instinct .... anyone weighing in on this?

oh and i offer my first grandchild cause I am probably never going to have any...but that is not for this blog

PabloDiablo said...

Spot on Tallulah, as usual. Again, you are the only reason I am going to continue watching this season as I can't find a single contestant that appeals to me in any way. Sad to see they have gone the survivor route by bringing back the most obnoxious people, but on the plus side it has been thankfully jebus free so far!

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