Saturday, July 23, 2011

Classi Potter and the Horrific Bitch.

Imagine, for a moment that when you saw or read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, that Harry was killed and Voldemort won, the series ending with the Death Eaters triumphantly killing muggles left and right. How would you have liked that? That is how I felt at the end of this Thursday’s horrific episode of Big Brother. Evil has won.

“Cassi is a snake and a liar, so she’s gotta go,” said Boobiac, aka She Who Can Not Be Endured, in her native language, Parseltongue. (Snake language for you non-Harry Potter fans out there, both of you.) Cassi has been scrupulously honest her entire time in the
Big Brother House, which does confuse the others, who assume everyone is lying at all times unless they are Leatherface, who is lying, and a backstabbing traitor.

I really, really hate She Who Can Not Be Endured. I thought I loathed her all last summer, but this summer Voldebitch is even worse. I no longer just want to see her lose. I want to see a steam roller flatten her and her giant bags of silicone into an ugly carpet. She is a vile excuse for a woman. She Who Can Not Be Endured gives whores a bad name.

Why does Voldebitch hate Cassi so much? Well Cassi mentioned that she didn’t really care much for Edsel, She Who Can Not Be Endured’s fellow “VIP Waitress”/Whore. This was an honest and moderate statement. Since Voldebitch had befriended Edsel, probably sharing stories about the most-revolting substances they’ve ever woken up to find they were covered in while clutching a handful of crumpled singles, this meant Cassi is a snake. It’s amazing how deeply two women can bond over shared memories of giving Dirty Sanchezes to Japanese businessmen. The other reason was so obvious, even the Chenbot picked up on it. Cassi is gorgeous. She Who Can Not Be Endured is repulsive. Even the Wicked Queen in Snow White finds She Who Can Not Be Endured a little over-the-top.

I think there’s a third reason which was not mentioned on the air. Cassi is good and nice. Voldebitch is evil and nasty. It is in the nature of Evil to wish to destroy Nice.

And as if the disasters inside the house were not bad enough, whom should I collide with I the audience? Zingbot. We had had a brief affair last summer, until he left me for my toaster, saying it was hotter than me. Our reunion was bitter.

Jordumb had snapped this week to how awful She Who Can Not Be Endured is and had a perfect opportunity to rid me of this hideous fake-redhead, but she chickened out. Okay Jordumb, thou shalt not be forgiven, especially given the disaster with which the episode ended.

Cassi would not fight to stay in because she thinks Leatherface is her friend. Leatherface wept crocodile tears to us about how guilty she felt, and how Cassi was her “best friend.”

A. She’s only known Cassi for 20 days. Yet I can believe her. Backstabbing liars seldom have much in the way of friends.

B. If Cassi is her Best Friend, I’d hate to see how she shafts her enemies.

Her guilt and remorse mean
nothing unless she confesses to Cassi that it was she who betrayed their alliance. Cassi thinks she has a partner, a partner who has allied herself secretly with Cassi’s blood enemy and has lied to her endlessly. Leatherface thinks they are close friends, except for her itty-btty secret. Leatherface and She Who Can Not Be Endured deserve each other.

Leatherface immediately played the Mom Sympathy Card by boo-hooing to everyone how “sad” her daughter will be about Mom being on the block, for the sole, cynical purpose of guilting everyone into voting for Cassi. I think her daughter will indeed be sad, sad about the tauntings she gets at school over her mother being a liar and a backstabber. “Mommy, when you say ‘I love you’ to me, are you lying to me too? Are you gonna backstab me too, Mommy?”

“No dear.”


She Who Can Not Be Endured: “In the end, I always get my way.” So losing last year’s show, and becoming one of the most-hated
Big Brother Houseguests of all time was what she intended? How odd.

However, it must be said that Cassi just giving up and refusing to fight or campaign to stay in was pretty lame. She decided to take it lying down. Taking it lying down his how Boobiac works. Also kneeling in the bushes, and cramped in the back seats of cars.

“Please don’t be sad,” said Cassi to Leatherface as she cried insincere tears over how her lies are tossing out Cassi. Oh boo-hoo, woman. Your fake tears make me sick.

Cassi: “I could never, ever say a bad thing about Shelley.” Oh yeah? I wonder if she still feels that way now, after watching the first two weeks of broadcasts and seeing how she was lied to by Leatherface. My guess is she can say some really bad things about the dried out old recreational huntress now. (Does Leatherface go “wah-wah, boo-hoo” over the corpses of innocent, beautiful deer she’s slaughtered for the sheer "fun" of killing, having to wipe away the tears before reloading to kill Bambi’s mother as well?)

Leatherface: “Well Louise, we had a good run.” No you didn’t. You ran two weeks. A good run is three months. You wanna be Thelma & Louise, then leave with her. Drive off that cliff together.

Leatherface is beating herself up (with feathers), because she says she teaches her daughter lying is bad. Well now you’ve taught her a new lesson: Lying is okay if you can get a lot of money by lying. She’s turning her daughter into a future Bernie Medoff. Oh boo-hoo. What Mom
says is “Don’t lie.” What Mom does is lie on TV to win money.” Guess what, Leatherface, kids pay no attention to what you say. They watch what you do.

Leatherface: “I feel like I need to be sent to a room to write sentences right now.” So do I. And I want you to use this special quill I took off of the corpse of Delores Umbridge. The sentence is: “I am a hypocritical, lying, backstabbing bitch. Oh boo-hoo.” Write that 100 times.

It was funny to hear Danielle, of all people, comforting Leatherface by telling her she was not setting a bad example for her kid. Danielle’s father is Evel Dick. We’ve seen the example he sets.

Although it was a pointless thing to do, I enjoyed seeing Cassi sit down and try to have a reasonable conversation with Voldebitch. One can not reason with the insane. But I love how Cassi doesn’t back down when She Who Can Not Be Endured goes off on her. That she hits her target’s bull’s-eye and clearly hurts Voldebitch, delighted me. I think she destroyed one of Voldebitch’s Whorecruxes. (What She Who Can Not Be Endured needs with whorecruxes I do not know. They are for storing parts of your soul. Boobiac has no soul. She sold her soul years ago to pay for her implants.)

Cassi to She Who Can Not Be Endured: “You’re a catty, catty girl. Ugly person inside.” Yes, she is an ugly person inside. And the fact is, her exterior is fairly revolting also.

There is a great Irish stage play titled
Philadelphia, Here I Come. The main character, a 25 year-old man, is played by two actors. One plays the outer man all can see, called “Gareth-in-Public,” and the other plays the inner man no sees or hears, who is everything Gareth feels and thinks, “Gareth-in-Private.” (Little Dougie, when he was in his 20s, played “Gareth O’Donnell-in-Private” in two different productions. He claims to have been very good in the role. So did the critics and the audiences, but they all must have been deluded.) Well Cassi has snapped to Voldebitch-in-Private, and she is right on the nose. I see She Who Can Not Be Endured-in-Private being played by the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz, only not as nice or as pretty.

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “Cassi is like the meanest fighter in the world. She used every single one of my weaknesses against me.” Oh boo-hoo.

A. She did not. She left out a number of them. She said nothing about how ridiculous your hair looks dyed a color not found in nature. She’s a model, yet she didn’t mention your hideous complexion. She said nothing about how you think you’re intelligent and well-educated when you’re rather ignorant. She never mentioned how petty you are, or about how you have the emotional maturity of a fetus. She utterly omitted your grating laugh. She let you off easy.

B. So? Who else have we seen play like that? Someone called She Who Can Not Be Endured .

C. Good. Did it hurt? Good. You should be saying, like Gertude in
Hamlet: “Speak no more: Thou turn'st mine eyes into my very soul; And there I see such black and grained spots as will not leave their tinct... O, speak to me no more; These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears.” But She Who Can Not Be Endured lacks the class, the self-knowledge, and has no idea what “tinct” means.

Now it’s Voldebitch who has run off to wallow in unearned self-pity (Well to be fair, she has to pity herself. No one else will. Certainly not me.), by sobbing out her whiny complaints to Jordumb, in the mistaken belief that Jordumb will give a rat’s ass. Oh boo-hoo bitch. What I liked here, besides the sweet, sweet music of She Who Can Not Be Endured’s sobs, was that Jordumb gave her no comfort, and basically told her to suck it up.

“She’s so manipulative,” sobbed out the manipulative bitch in parseltongue, “It hurts so bad, because I’m not a villain."
YES YOU ARE!!!!! Amazingly, She Who Can Not Be Endured believes she is a good person. Well, The Emperor Caligula probably thought he was a good person too. Of course, Caligula made his horse a Senator, but even he was not as crazy as Boobiac.

This weepy tirade from Voldebitch was amazing: “I’m not a mean girl, not a villain. I don’t attack people’s character. I don’t talk bad about people.” Everyone of those statements is a lie. She’s a tremendously mean girl. If she’s not a villain, it’s only because she’s a villainess. (And I remain unconvinced that she’s not a drag queen.) And as for not attacking people’s character or talking bad about people, it’s only been ten minutes since we heard her say about Cassi: “Cassi is a snake and a liar.” So those were compliments?

She Who Can Not Be Endured was not done ranting about Cassi for daring to, as
Hamlet said to his Mom: “set you up a glass where you may see the inmost part of you.” “She plays the victim role,” sobbed Voldebitch, playing a victim. “Like ‘feel bad for me’,” continued She Who Can Not Be Endured, hoping to make people feel bad for her.

Cassi tried pointlessly to mend a fence with Bookie. Cassi, he’s engaged to marry She Who Can Not Be Endured. Obviously, he hasn’t got a working brain synapse in his skull.

When The Chenbot ran clips of the Have-Not competition for the assembled houseguests, we all got to watch Dominic humping Adam. Given that Dominic is a 25 year old virgin (Why?), what a hideous way to lose one’s cherry! Dom, you can do better. Maybe he was humping Adam in order to find sex so utterly revolting as to make maintaining his pointless celibacy easier. (Dominic, get laid for Christ’s sake! You’re not going to remain young and cute forever the way I have. Use it or lose it, kid.)

Pointless Exchange:

The Chenbot: “Lawon, just how hard are these competitions?”

Lawon: “They are
very hard.”

Okay. That was real information. They are not kinda hard, and they are not very, very hard. They are merely very hard. Are they as hard as listening to such content-free drivel is?

The Chenbot to Adam, re: Dom getting him off the block: “How grateful are you?” I was almost disappointed that Adam didn’t reply “
Very grateful.” Instead, he owes him his life. Yeah. Chenbot, stop asking cast members to quantify emotions. Even if it were possible, these bozos wouldn’t be able to do it. “If I had a half gallon pitcher, and you poured all your gratitude to Dom into it, how much would be in it? A pint? A cup? A quart?”

The only reason I can think of to show us Adam’s pals, fans, and pathetically desperate girlfriend is so, should we see one in person, we’ll know to flee.

Adam was over 300 pounds? So in addition to being obnoxious and repulsive, he was also morbidly obese? Ew. He took off 100 pounds to get on the show. Why? Is there a weight limit? Anyway, it’s hard to imagine him being more revolting that he is, but apparently he was. It’s almost a shame he took off the weight. He would have made his inevitable coronary arrive so much sooner at 300 pounds plus. Have some more bacon, porker. (I believe that when a person passes 300 pounds, eating bacon officially becomes cannibalism.)

So what exactly did “Fara,” his self-esteem-free girlfriend, see in him? Did she take one look and say: “There he is, the obese, obnoxious elephant I’ve been dreaming of”?

Yet Dominic’s backstory is even more pathetic. He was home schooled, a crime for which he should sue his horrific, controlling mother. (You can not develop social skills being home schooled, let alone get a real education. All you get is to be emotionally stunted, and to be brainwashed with whatever crazy notions your evil mother has in her head. People home school kids for
one reason only, to prevent them learning anything their parents don’t want them to know, and to become mental Xeroxes of their nutty parents.) He’s 25 and has never slept away from home! Good grief! Not one sleep-over? Not one slumber party? Not one vacation trip, even with Mommy? You know who was home-schooled? Norman Bates. Dom, I think if they found your mother stuffed in your fruit cellar, no jury would convict you.

Dom, now that you are away,
NEVER GO BACK! NEVER!!! And get laid, kid. Quit wasting your youth.

Cassi: “I’ve never met anyone who was home schooled.” Of course you haven’t. The whole point of home schooling is to prevent kids from meeting anyone. Other people think stuff that Mommy doesn’t think. For example: "Kids need to go to school with other kids." How would you meet a home schooled kid? The only people they ever meet are Child Protection Services agents.

Jordumb’s excuse for not nominating She Who Can Not Be Endured boiled down to cowardice.

Cassi’s classy speech (Were she staying longer, I’d start calling her “Classi”.) Was mostly a tribute to the liar who backstabbed her. The hypocritical speech from Leatherface included: “It doesn’t matter who wins.” S
he’d like them to think that. It seems to matter enough for her to lie and backstab her “Best Friend,” revealing her hypocrisy to her daughter on national TV. In any event, winning a half million dollars, especially in our lingering Bush economy, matters. She also said to Classi that she’d be a friend forever. Doesn’t she realize that Classi will see the recordings of the broadcasts, and see how Leatherface betrayed her and lied to her? That “friendship” won’t make it 24 hours.

The vote was unanimous. No one stood up to She Who Can Not Be Endured to give Classi even one vote.

When Classi hugged Voldebitch on her way out (Why?), I expected She Who Can Not Be Endured to rot away to ash, like Professor Quirrell in the first Harry Potter movie, unable to survive the touch of her polar opposite.

Classi to The Chenbot on Leatherface: “There’s nothing bad you can say about the woman.” Oh yes there is. See above.

The Chenbot did her best to try to get Classi to say that the evil bitches in the house hated her because she is so vastly more beautiful than they are, but Classi would not take the bait. She did, however, say one of those idiot things that we extremely beautiful people sometimes say that really, really pisses off you normal-looking trolls: “I wouldn’t think so ‘cause, I don’t know if y’all realize
[Classi, you were on TV all the time. We all saw what you wore and how you looked.], but I kicked around in sweats the entire time, with no make up and dirty hair.” Yes, you were a repulsive troll the whole time you were in the house. I could barely tell you apart from Adam. Why, in sweats with unwashed hair and no make up, she was merely stunningly gorgeous, rather than her normal, overwhelmingly, magnificently beautiful. How our eyes all bled viewing your monstrous in-house appearance.

A bit over 30 years ago, Ann Margaret starred with Sir Anthony Hopkins in a now-forgotten movie called
Magic, about an insane ventriloquist. In the movie, Ann’s character is emotionally wounded because, get this, she was picked on growing up for being an ugly duckling. The movie expected the audience to feel bad for the poor child having to grow up LOOKING LIKE ANN MARGARET! Oh boo-hoo for poor little eyesore Ann Margaret. Yes, she was only ravishingly beautiful for a month or two at birth. How did people look at homely little Ann Margaret without hurling? I believe one reason the movie is forgotten is that audiences found pitying Ann Margaret’s looks too much of a challenge.

Leatherface showed how utterly fake her crocodile tears were in her pre-taped goodbye message, since even then, when it could no longer affect the game, she still didn’t come clean and confess her sin agains Classi. Okay, Buckskinpuss, we now know exactly how sincere your weepy self-pity was. And so does your daughter.

As we went into the HOH competition, I was - well, not praying, I don’t pray, but hoping that Dom or Adam, or even Lawon, any Newbie, would win. No such luck. Instead, the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened. She Who Can Not Be Endured won her second HOH this season.

I may vomit.

Cheers darlings.


PabloDiablo said...

(I believe that when a person passes 300 pounds, eating bacon officially becomes cannibalism.)

Ok, that is now my most favorite, and the most hilarious comment you have ever made!

Lana said...

Bless you, dear Tallulah! I love these recaps. Thank you for stating the obvious in the most hysterical manner! Having it on your blog is so much better than having it on the place where we do not speak its' name. I hope your Big Brother followers find you!

Paulette said...

LOVE IT! I love that I found you again and your hilarious recaps! (side note, I recap them too but not nearly as well or with as much wit).

I'd like to make just one simple point:

You give Shelly crap for lying to Cassi and not telling her what she did and how Shelly says she felt horrible for doing so, I'll give you that point. BUT Cassi never told Shelly she was working with the failing alliance Dom named the Regulators. Lying by omission on both sides of the Cassi/Shelly duo. Also strange, no remaining Regulator alliance voted to keep her.

xl pharmacy said...

Cassy be careful because there are some guys (I prefer not to say names) just want to touch you and take you to their beds, and I'm sdure you don't want that.

sports handicapping services said...

wow great i have read many articles about this topic and everytime i learn something new i dont think it will ever stop always new info , Thanks for all of your hard work!