Why is Thanksgiving on Thursdays? Aren’t we supposed to "Thank God It’s Friday"? Are we supposed to thank God twice in the same week? I think that’s a little overboard, don’t you?
It’s a little tricky for me to give thanks on Thanksgiving anyway. Oh I’m flooded with gratitude, especially when I’ve just been flooded, but the problem is, I practice Christian Science except for all the doctrines, beliefs, and that attending church crap. Mary Baker Eddy’s idea of God wasn’t a being you could talk to, like a Gay Best Friend. Rather, she defined God as Principle, Mind, Truth, Intelligence, Spirit, and a lot of other crap like that, and it’s practically impossible to tell just what the hell she meant. Reading Science and Health With Key to the Scriptures isn’t much help, as it’s completely incoherent, and suggests that it’s authoress was thoroughly mad. Let’s face it, the woman told people not to drink alcohol, so her judgment was terrible. Besides the fact that I am a Goddess of the Cinema, I don’t really know just what the hell I believe in. But if I believed in God, here’s what I would give thanks for this year. And please, in my comments section, tell me what you’re grateful for, provided of course, that you’re interesting, witty, and funny. Or a hot man.
Things I am grateful for this Thanksgiving:
3. Male prostitution. (At my age, one has to pay for quality.)
5. My vagina, and every year, there’s more of it to love.
6. My fans, especially the straight male ones, who aspire to star-screwing.
7. Gay men.
8. J. R. R. Tolkien. (I actually have no idea who the hell he is, but Little Douglas assures me this will get me lots of geeky nerd fans. I asked why I would want geeky nerd fans, when I’d prefer horny male underwear models, but Douglas says geeky nerds love Internet Flogs. Anyway Viggo, call me.)
10. My clitoris. Getting her pierced was the smartest thing I’ve done.
11. Huge Jackman
12. Colin Ferrell’s colon.
14. That I’m still breathing.
16. Gay porn.
17. That guy who played The Green Arrow on Smallville. He can store his shaft in my quiver anytime.
18. That President Bush is no longer president. It was a bad idea to let a Bush run the country. My bush has been running me for a century, and that was certainly a bad idea. However, that ignorant twit we saw on TV, fumbling his way through sentences, and sending healthy young penises overseas to die in deserts can go to Hell.
19. TCM. Turner Classic Movies keeps me alive to a new generation of obsessive fans. I just wish that bastard Robert Osborn wouldn’t introduce each of my films with, "Unfortunately, we’re contractually bound to run this Tallulah Morehead turkey. Brace yourselves." At least he is more complimentary on Sundays, when he says, "Good news movie fans, this Tallulah Morehead movie is silent, so you won’t have to listen to her hideous voice." Thank you darling.
21. Edgar Rice Burroughs. He created Tarzan. I’ve been holding auditions for the role of Tarzan here in my home, whether the part was being cast or not, for almost 50 years, and nothing in my entire career has ever given me greater, or more frequent, satisfaction. If you are an even remotely plausible choice for the role, please feel free to come by my home, majestic Morehead Heights, mounted ever-less-firmly astride ever-crumbling Tumescent Tor, north of Malibu, any Saturday afternoon, undressed to impress, and give me a shot. Oh, and a note to that one-legged Englishman who keeps hopping up to try out for the part: while I have nothing against unidexters, indeed some of my closest friends haven’t got a leg to stand on, nevertheless the absolute minimum supporting limb requirement for the role of Tarzan is three legs. Human tripods , move to the front of my spine.
23. Scrotums and their magical contents.
24. That Delores Delgado is still dead. Delores’s demise is the gift that keeps on giving.
25. Senior Extra-Maxi Depends.
26. The memory of that one, unforgettable night, naked in the light of a full moon, atop magnificent Half Dome, taking a trip to Heaven on the tongue of Peter Lorre. Dear Peter, you aren’t in Heaven. You were Heaven!
27. The memory of that one, unforgettable night, naked in the light of a full moon, in the raging surf of Lunada Bay, taking a cruise to Heaven in the tentacles of the Giant Squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. That libidinous mollusk could suck all of my erogenous zones at once! Squiddy dear, you aren’t in Heaven. You were Heaven!
28. Peter Lorre again, for introducing me to Squiddy in the first place, when I asked him for a second date, and he said, "No, I think once was more than enough. You’d be better matched with our squid." How typically unselfish of him.
30. DVDs. They keep my legacy alive, and they pay me for doing those commentary tracks. Also, they have improved the porn experience tremendously.
31. Male Frontal Nudity in movies, the greatest advancement in art in 200 years.
32. Personal massagers. The date who won’t flee when he sees you in a good light.
33. HD-TV. My God, it makes porn look incredible!
35. Male nipples. Oh they do have a function. Do they ever!
36. LOST. The show may be over, but my DVDs take me back to The Island whenever I want. (And Jacob's Ghost, you've got a hot shag just waiting for you if you ever materialize in Morehead Heights)
37. That Harry Potter defeated Voldemort. I thought sure Voldy would triumph.
38. My doctor, who keeps me alive using cutting-edge techniques.
39. THE Doctor.
40. Playing "Doctor".
41. Disneyland. It's The Second-Happiest Place on Earth. The First-Happiest is up my skirt.
43. That The Hobbit is coming. I just hope I last long enough to see it.
44. The New Laurel & Hardy 10-Disc DVD Set. Absolute Comedy Heaven!
45. Albert on Survivor.
48. Edward Gorey's Great Veiled Bear.
48. That Beavis and Butthead are back.
49. Dark Chocolate!
50. Dame Edna Everage, and her brilliant manager, Barry Humphries.
And finally you, my devoted readers. I live for you and you alone, and a good shag. Anybody up for sex? Oh, and here's something for all of you to be thankful for, the forthcomng publication next year of my new book: Tallyho Tallulah. 100% new material!
So spend your Thanksgiving The Tallulah Way, and enjoy some great stuffing! Now I'm off for a traditional Ayn Rand Thanksgiving: Roast Atlas Shrugged: Part One with all the trimmings, and then, as Ayn loved to do, head off to the shelter downtown, to take food away from the homeless. Always makes me misty-eyed.