Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Steve Martin.
Yes, that wild and crazy guy has run off and gotten married again! It seems like every time I regain consciousness, Steve Martin has gotten married. Who is he kidding? The man is 61 and this is only his second marriage. If he were a truly committed heterosexual, he'd be on at least his fifth wife. At his age, I had been married at least nine times that I know of, and bear in mind, when I was 61, I had only just turned 30, so I was really working it. That's because, to me, marriage is a sacred institution (Or is that a scarred institution?), and if I must be in an institution (And there are many who say I belong in one, though what does that idiot judge know?), I'd prefer it to be a sacred one.
As it happens, Steve's new wife is really new. She's - what? - three weeks old? All I know is that when I first saw Steve perform, in The Birdcage Theater at Knott's Berry Farm in 1964, Mrs. Steve Martin hadn't been born yet. I'm not certain her parents had even met. Now, I'm not saying that Steve is robbing the cradle. It's more of a loan. After all, it's not like he's going to out-live her.
We all know and love Steve for being a brilliant and tremendously original comedian. When one remembers all the great comic characters he created, like Ernie Bilko and Inspector Clouseau, one can't help but admire his genius,
And his amazing career in movies has enriched all our lives. Think of all the great, original movies Steve has made. Who else has made so many never-before-seen pictures? No recycling for Steve. Everything is fresh, as in these classics:
And elderly as Steve is, he's not through yet. He has three brand-new, completely original movies, all done and ready to unreel. Are you as anxious as I am to see these? I wonder what they'll be about?
But I'm here today to describe his wedding. What an event! First Steve took up his place at the alter. Then the organist hit up Here Crawls the Bride, as his gorgeous bride came down the aisle in her father's arms, dressed in beautiful white diapers. Then the minister stepped up and said, "Dearly beloved, I'm Chris Hanson, and this is Dateline NBC. Wildandcrazyguy61, I have your emails to Toddler4 right here. Do you really think this is an appropriate proposal to send a girl young enough to be your daughter?" To which Steve replied, "Well, excuuuuuse ME!"
There wasn't a dry seat in the house, at least on the bride's side.