Saturday, July 28, 2007

Rancid Prince of Bel Air

Don't panic darlings, at the sight of this softcore image above. I'm just celebrating that this is my 69th entry in this flog. Who ever knew I could take a flogging for 69 strokes? But as it happens, 69 is my lucky number. In fact, who doesn't feel lucky in a 69? Let's face it, when you're name is Morehead, "Facing It" pretty much always means 69.

Now, on to business: America's favorite Royal, Prince Fredric Von Anhalt Gabor, is at it again. On Thursday, Prince Freddie was found by the Beverly Hills police, in the backseat of his (Zsa Zsa's) Rolls Royce, naked. I hope those poor officers got special bonuses for the damage to their eyes. Poor darlings. When you're a police officer, you go to work each day knowing someone may shoot and kill you, but not that you may have to see Prince Freddie naked. These poor officers probably wished they'd been shot, or that Freddie had been.

Now let's be honest here; who hasn't spent time time naked in the back of a Rolls Royce? I've ended up naked, end up, in the back of Rolls Royces more times than I can shake your stick at, but not for the reasons given by Freddie. Here's Freddie's story of how he ended up on Bellagio Road, behind the the Bel Air Country Club, starkers:

Prince Gabor told the incredulous police that three "Hot" women in a white Chrysler convertible pulled up alongside him and said they were fans of his and wanted him to pose with them for pictures. He said he stopped, got out, posed with them, and hugged them, and then one of the women put a handgun to his neck and said, "Give us your [Zsa Zsa's] money." He said they took $1,800 in cash, along with jewelry, all his clothing, and his car keys -- but not the Rolls Royce -- and left.

Here's an image of Freddie's version of events:

Does this sound remotely plausible to anyone? First off, does anyone drive convertibles anymore? When did you last see a convertible? During your last visit to a drive-in movie theater?

But still harder to believe is the idiotic concept that Prince Freddie has "Fans". People have fans because they've done something or are someone people find admirable or entertaining. Sleazeball, overage gigolos do not have fans. What did he think these "Hot" women admired him for? His marrying a woman twice his age for her money and fame when he himself is way over the hill? His shameless publicity-seeking? His groundless claim to be a "Prince"? His absurd, now utterly disproven claim to be the father of Baby Dannalyn? His boasting of an imaginary affair with a brain dead bimbo? His announcing to the press that he'd cheated on his wife, or his threats to sue Bill O'Reilly for pointing out that it was all a crock of crap, as it was medically proven to be? Now that I see his "Accomplishments" all written down, I want his autograph too. What a pillar of society! He's hot!

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that some women did get him to pull over and pose for mug shots - I mean pictures - with them, and did pull a gun on him. Well, he says he hugged them. No wonder they pulled a gun on him. It was undoubtedly to stop his hugging them. Ew! If he'd just been earning his going-out money, that means he'd probably just made love to Zsa Zsa. She's 90 and bedridden. He probably had that Old Lady Smell, which is nothing like New Car Smell. Speaking as an old lady myself, often when I enter a room, someone inevitably asks, "Who brought the Limburger?"

What probably actually happened, if indeed anything at all did happen, and he wasn't just caught right after the hooker left, before he could redress, was most likely something like this:

As you can see, I doubt it was "Hot" women who held him up, if indeed anyone at all did. But, to be fair, when you've been married to Zsa Zsa for as long as Freddie has, any woman looks hot. If he'd been held up by Roseanne, Rosie O'Donnell, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer, he'd still have described them as hot. Given the opportunity, he'd probably chase me around the room, even after reading this flogging.

He says they took him for $1800. Where would Prince Freddie get $1800? Oh yes, Zsa Zsa.

Let's face it; would any actual hot women ever want to see Prince Freddie naked? My guess is that even Zsa Zsa insists all the lights be out. But you have got to give the sleazeball credit. He sees young upcoming sleazeballs snatching the headlines away from him everyday: Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tom Sizemore, George Michaels, Screech, yet he knows how to grab those headlines back with originality. No boring, banal stuff like getting caught driving drunk, with pockets full of "Someone else's" cocaine for him. No, he's a victim of Hot Muggeresses and forcibly denuded, while Zsa Zsa is robbed long distance.

In other matters, if you watched tonight's episode of Doctor Who, you're probably wondering how accurate the portrayal of me was. Well, they got my hair color right, and they did portray me as a star, albeit on stage in New York in 1930, when I was actually in Hollywood that year, filming The Godawful Truth and An Affair to Forget. My voice is deeper and I don't have that accent. Also, I'm far more beautiful, but otherwise, it was right on the nose. Certainly I was always being pursued by men who were literally pigs, and those damn Daleks were every bit as obnoxious as the show portrayed them.

Of course, the cliffhanger ending, with me in peril of being exterminated by those nasty old Daleks, has all of America on the edges of their seats. Well part two next Friday should alleviate your fears. And no, I don't seduce the Daleks. You think they looked yucky when they opened up and sucked in that young man? Well they deliberately made them look less horrifying for television. Below is a cutaway I saved from back when it really happened, so you can see just what those disgusting monsters actually look like inside their giant pepperpots. Prepare yourself. It's gruesome in the extreme.

Cheers darlings.

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