Monday, July 23, 2007

Doctor Whom, I Presume?

Darlings, I've been fictionalized!

Little Dougie has had me watching the new Doctor Who series from the BBC Wales that's been running on the Sci-Fi channel. I am of course synonymous with science fiction. I was the star of one of the first great science fiction movies of all time, the fantastic silent movie Beyond Belief, directed by the German genius Fritz Bumsen. For a lovely look at a rare color still from the picture (It was shot in black & white of course.), scroll down to the end of my July 5th flogging. Among my other science fiction movies are THAT!, Bride of the Blob, Doctor Scary, and Frankenstein's Reason for Living. People often take one look at me in films and say, "Must be science fiction! There's no other possible explanation."

The new Doctor Who is in it's third season now, and is better than ever, which is saying something, given that the show is almost older than I am. It originally went on the air 27 minutes after TV was invented, while it was still silent. The first new Doctor, Chris Eccleston, jumped Tardis after one season, and Little Dougie decided that he should be the new Doctor, despite the fact that he is not even an alien (No really; he's not.), and I should be the new companion. Here's a photo from the audition tape we shot. Notice how Dougie uses make-up and soft-focus to try and simulate his appearance of 20 years ago. Pathetic, isn't it?

Needless to say, they were not so foolish as to hire Douglas. Little Dougie thought he had a shot since Russell T. Davies, the show-runner, is a big old homo, and the creator of the homolicious series Queer as Folk, the TV version of Dougie's life back in the 1980s.. Dougie was all-set for a casting couch session, but even Davies isn't that much of a homo. However, it must have given them ideas, as Dougie is of Scottish origin, and they did end up hiring a Scotsman, Little David Tennant, whom you can see in the picture at the top of this flogging, auditioning me to be his companion.

They begged me to do it, but I am retired. Shooting 14 hour-long shows a year when you're 110 is just too taxing. These days I can act or I can drink, but I don't have the energy for both. I believe that a person must have their priorities straight, except for Little Dougie, whose priorities are anything but straight, or I should say "Straight to any butt." My priorities are clear and sensible; drinking won.

So they did the next best thing: they wrote an episode of the show about me, and hired some little wanna-be actress named Miranda Raison to play me, in an episode called Daleks in Manhattan. I have plenty of experience working with Daleks, having worked for the great movie moguls back in Hollywood's Golden Age. Here's a lovely old picture of me with Louie B. Mayer and Jack Warner back in 1939.

So they shot a two-part story about the Daleks trying to make me their slave/concubine in New York City, back in 1939. Talk about suspense; it's one thing for the Doctor to save planets from being conquered by Cybermen or the Slitheen, but imagine the horror for mankind if the Daleks deprived the world of ME! Pure blood-curdling terror! Let me tell you, there is nothing like Dalek sex. Those plungers come with optional attachments that are amazing! When they start shrieking "COP-U-LATE! COP-U-LATE!" it's an out-of-this-world experience.

The program will air in the United States this week, on The Sci-Fi Channel. Part one will air Friday July 27, and part two will air August 3rd. Consult your local listings. Now remember, you will not be seeing the real me. You will be seeing this Miranda Raison person playing me. What a great role for a nobody actress, even though she will never be more than a pale reflection of my true glamour.

And be prepared for a BBC-TV budget. Remember, it's all shot overseas. In fact here's a look at their location shoot for Daleks in Manhattan. It looks more like The Bronx to me. Trust me; there's no clock face on the Empire State Building. But then, ask not for Doctor Whom the clock tolls. It tolls for ME!

Cheers darlings.

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