Monday, July 11, 2011

Oh Brother!

So today, over on his pathetic Facebook page, Little Dougie received this query from our mutual friend, Casey Turner, of the cast of Big Brother 11:

Casey Mingle Mixx Turner said:
"So what does your friend talulah think about the new hamsters?"

I am not blogging Big Brother this year, due to a - well - weird falling out with The Huffington Post's new owners.

But of course, I'm watching.

Of the returning old guard: I am horrified to be subjected again to Boobiac's hideous presence and grating, braying laugh, which she uses to punctuate every utterance, whether it’s a joke or not: "New York City was just nuked!
HA HA HA HA HA! 10 million people were killed! HA HA HAHA HA!" That's Boobiac. At least I can enjoy looking at stupid Brendan again. (His doctoral thesis should be on "Applied Idiocy".) I love how no one mentions the Brendan scandal, though we've all seen his very impressive dick shot online. He had the silicone where it counts.

I loathe Evel Dick, like all decent people do, but he has gone. Whatever personal tragedy dragged him away, I am thankful for it. Danielle is, as she was before, sullen, silent, and a total lox as a TV personality, a waste of space. Is she the Walking Dead? She doesn't seem to speak anymore. That Dick declared himself the only winner in the house with Jordumb standing only three feet away, shows his utter narcissism in all its - ah - glory.

At least Jeff & Jordumb aren't evil, and Jeff is still as decorative as ever. If I were blogging, I'd be glad for Jordumb, as her stupidity, which is as awe-inspiring as ever, is great joke-fodder, though not, so far, as great as Porsche's admission in the opening show that she has had plastic surgery on her "personality." (It needs more work.)


Adam: I want to like him, as he's clearly smarter than most of them. He showed this when he agreed to every thing Dick proposed (“You be our total slave and vote-zombie, and we'll see what we can do for you later on maybe.” Only a fool would take such a ridiculous deal.) while telling us he had no intention of honoring that pledge at all. That he hero-worships Evel Dick but is still willing to lie to him immediately and can't wait to betray him also shows promise.

But then, the fact that he hero-worships Evel Dick at all is beyond troubling. No sensible person does that. This shows abominable taste. But then, everything about him says "abominable taste." He is horribly obnoxious, and I'm already sick to death of his affected loud growl. Shut up, Adam. (Also, he’s been wandering around shirtless. No, no. Adam must, by
LAW, wear a shirt at all times, 24/7.)

Cassi: I do not hate her yet. Much as I usually have just contempt for models, she seems fairly bright, though she hasn't said much yet. She has promise. And she is genuinely gorgeous.

Dominic: Cute but way too skinny to be sexy. (Though not in this sexy model shot I found of him, in which he is considerably buffer than he is in the house now.) Not obnoxious. That "lives with mom" stuff is bad; still being a virgin is worse. Does he think he'll be young and desirable forever? He's wasting years he won't get back. I turned 114 two months ago, and I can now say that every single time I could have had sex but didn't, I regret. And I have had lots of sex, lots. Lost my virginity at 13 or 14. (I was drunk and don't remember.) My partners literally number in five figures, and it is rumored that my husbands number in three figures. (I don't remember how many times I've been married.) But my biggest regrets are that I didn't have
more sex. He's going to regret that chastity someday.

His plan for an alliance of one person (and
only one person) from each newbie partnership is BRILLIANT! While others were reeling from dashed strategies (like Keith's pathetic plan for an alliance of him and the hot girls, “Keith's Angel's” What a tool he is.), Dominic looked at the new situation, and invented a new strategy that uses the new system against itself. It was really, really smart, and showed mental resiliency. (Grudgingly, I must admit that Boobiac’s realization that The Golden Key - cheesy name! - means you are nominating who you want to keep as well as whom you want gone, was also very smart. She’s also right that she should nominate from strategy, not emotion this time around, but fortunately, there’s not a chance of her holding to that later in the game, when her ego and anger kicks in.) (Speaking of cheesy names, is The Regulators” not the all-time lamest alliance name?)

Kalia: Hate her. My god, she’s annoying. She is not “the real-life Carrie Bradshaw,” unless she makes enough to buy thousands of dollars worth of new shoes
EVERY WEEK. Also, being a “real-life Carrie Bradshaw” would be a very tacky thing to be. Who would want to be her, and who would want to be friends with anyone who was? And her “princess” and “queen” thing is terminally annoying. She is very full-of-herself, and clearly lives in a fantasy world of her own imagination. And could you believe her in the opening show mocking Boobiac’s giant tits? Has she not noticed that her own tits are every bit as big? That’s the black hole at the center of the universe calling the kettle black. My own are so large that these days I sometimes trip over them as I walk.

(BTW, whoever devised the Have-Nots Room, with its blank white walls and brilliant, never-to-be-turned-off, lights, should be an interrogator for Iraq’s Republican Guard. Brilliant torture. It screamed of Sayid.)

Keith: Oh dear. First off, Little Dougie's middle name is Keith, so having this lox share his name is insulting to him every time he hears his name aloud. Of the newbies, Keith is the only sexually attractive one, and he has a phenomenally fine body. He should have the Reverse-Adam Rule, and never be allowed to wear a shirt, 24/7/52. When he was thrusting over Adam in the Have-Nots competition, and Adam suffered a small bout of homosexual panic, well, I’d have traded places with Adam in an eyeblink. Looked like Heaven to me.

Sadly though, Keith’s fine body is inhabited by Keith. First off, he’s a church deacon and youth minister. I loathe all religious professionals, all con men and women making money from lies and deception, always, always, always coupled with hypocrisy. But then, he turns out to be such an relentless horndog, I’m forced to wonder what the hell kind of church has such an open-and-proud pussyhound for a deacon. Who is his pope? Hugh Hefner? Talk about hypocrisy. This guy must preach “The Nine Commandments” or “The Ten Suggestions.” Anyway, I took an immense dislike to Keith, who was relentlessly offensive in the opening show, and am quite glad that he seems the most likely to get evicted on Thursday.

Lawon: Oh Christ. You know, I am and always have been very partial to black men. I’ve - ah -
dated hundreds of them. Whoever chose the black men this year I would fire. Keith is beautiful but an asshole. And then there’s Lawon, the annoying, flamboyant, embarrassing queen, who thinks he is funny and clever, which he is not. And Big Brother called him a “Fashionista”! All this emphasis on his fashion and his taste in clothing. His taste in fashion is ABOMINABLE! I do hope he leaves early, but when queens team up with a lot of women (like Gollum did in Casey's season), they can float right to the end. I was very amused by how pissed off both Kalia and Lawon were when they ended up partnered because no one else asked either of them, last playground picks. Both wanted to get teamed with a hot guy (which would be only Keith), and instead were stuck with each other. For Kalia it was especially insulting. Carrie Bradshaw wouldn’t have been picked last. A queen wouldn’t have been picked last. (Though Queen Lawon was.)

Porsche: Another “VIP Waitress,” as that is also Boobiac’s profession. And of course, it really means: “Pricey Whore.” I loved that Porsche lied about her job, so the others wouldn’t be jealous of that luxurious waitress-lifestyle. (“She doesn’t need the half million. She gets
tips!”) A lot of lying about jobs this season, even when there is no discernable reason for it, just a new tradition, lying about your job, which is actually a huge lie to live 24/7 for three months. Porsche seems very stupid, and her playing both sides against the middle will lose her The Regulators’ votes, so her idiocy could save Keith, which is what Boobiac wants. I hate Keith and I hate Boobiac, so I want him gone, but stupid Porsche may have blown it. If you’re playing both sides, you are unwise to blab about it. So she’s pretty, but hardly as pretty as Cassi. She’s stupid, but not as stupid as Jordumb. She’s a VIP Waitress/Whore, but not as - ah - colorful a one as Boobiac. She’s just relentlessly second-rate.

Lastly Shelley: At first I was inclined to like her. She’s mature, not an idiot, seems level-headed. And then, in the second episode, she talked about her love of recreational hunting. Uh-oh. She is, or was until her spawn grabbed her attention away from slaughtering the innocent, a recreational hunter, i.e., someone who
KILLS for PLEASURE. Killing for fun revolts me. I despise recreational hunters. They are truly sick. And dangerous.

Well, Casey asked. Cheers darlings.


Natalie Sztern said...

Sucker!! I knew u were not able to stay away...Boobiac is on the reality show Bridezilla;Calia I have seen before on a show altho cannot remember the name but for sure she has been on television and did I not read on my igoogle page about one of the E T host's being included as a bro?

I knew we'd suck u back in...just knew it; but sucking u back in is a good thing cause it shows you are more concerned about your fans than your pocketbook...(just about now my son is saying what's a pocketbook?)& he's 25

Tallulah Morehead said...

The Huffington Post does not pay its writers (which is why there is a small strike going on), so my pocketbook was never a factor.

Anyway, since Casey, himself a former houseguest, who befriended me after first his mother, than he himself, got hooked on my columns, asked for my early assessments, he got them. Then I realized I had enough for short column, so I Googled out some pictures and slapped it up.

Casey has sent me a reaction to it:

"Couldnt wait. Just read it. U are awesome. As usual. My fave line probably 'unfortunately keiths body is inhabited by Keith'. Lmao. And for real what's up with all the VIP hostesses on bb? Janelle did the same... Casey"

Anonymous said...

Please, please, please continue blogging BB! Your writing is some of the funniest I've ever read. The first thing I did after the opening show was google your blog. PLEASE reconsider - carry on your tradition! Your fans LOVE you!!!

Natalie Sztern said...

I understand and again thank you because I truly love to laugh and you give me that each and every time.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Anonymous dear, it wasn't MY decision, it was The Huffington Post's. Complain to them, not me. If they'd run them, AS WRITTEN, I'd write them.