Pests and Vermin

Just a quick swish through Sunday's episode of Big Brother.

Gotta give Leatherface (Shelley) credit, she’s got lying, double-dealing, and backstabbing down so well, she belongs in the court of Henry VIII. She managed to destroy The Regulators utterly in one week, with the help of Queen Kalia. (Maybe if they'd had a less-lame alliance name...)

Porsche: “I’m so glad to see Keith go — NOT!” Ah Porsche, the hip, witty, “today” expression of ten years ago. What’s next from her: Daddy-o? Cowabunga? 23-Skidoo? And she stuck out her tongue to express her snide disdain for Keith. My six-year-old great-grand nephew was visiting while I watched and he saw that. His reaction was: “That’s a tad immature,” and he can’t read yet.

Thanks to Queen Kalia and Leatherface, while I'm still having to look at these titties...


I am now deprived of gazing thirstily (preferably with the sound turned off) at these much-hotter titties...


...particularly given that both of them are appalling, annoying people. If I must watch annoying people. I'd rather go with a hot man, than Boobiac. Hell, I'd rather go with pond scum than Boobiac.

I hope Adam eats lots and lots and lots of his beloved bacon. The sooner his coronary shuts him up, the better.

Lawon: "I have been completely blindsided.” No, Keith was completely blindsided. It’s not all about you. In fact, almost nothing is about you, not even you. What a master of wit: “That gots [sic] me ferrious [sic] like a volcano on a hot day in Hawaii getting ready to erupt!” Are volcanos worse on hot days? And what does “ferrious” mean? Is it at all like “furious”? How all tremble at the wrath of Lawon. If he gets really angry he will somehow wear clothing that tortures the eye even more than his usual appalling outfits.

Did I just see Jordumb put a black bra on over a red dress?

The thing that gets me about The Regulators is that they decide whom to trust or not based soley on stereotypes. They all see Leatherface as a "Mom,” and so instinctively trust her as she intentionally spreads distrust and false leads. Fortunately, my mother was awful, so I instinctively distrust Moms. Adam acts like a big, obnoxious lummox, (Okay, it's not technically "acting") so they assume he’s lying even as he was telling them the truth. They distrust Dominic for no discernable reason, and even formed the illogical assumption that he would betray the very alliance he created, and thus screw himself over. Think, you bozos. Who, for example, had he most reason to want Keith out? Queen Kalia, so why not use logic, rather than appearances? Last year’s alliance, Da Brigade, is beginning to look like MENSA next to The Regulators.

Lawon: “I stuck my ass out for everybody on our team.” Well, I was certain he was gay anyway; I just had no idea he was that big a slut. I’m glad CBS chose not to air that gruesome spectacle. He added, “It’s all in the crapper.” Well that’s where your ass belongs.

Adam stupidly honestly admitted he had been approached by the vets and had told them he was with them. Cassi, who is usually fairly smart, asked why he would tell them that. Cassi? Hello? Dominic then stalked out, convinced that Adam had been true to his word to the vets. If that were the case, why would he tell you of their approach at all? Adam, conversely, decided that Dominic must be “the rat” because he left. Now, there is no trace of logic to that. Meanwhile, the two actual rats are in there looking all innocent, and fooling all these fools.

Lawon, the old Batman villain Two-Face called. He wants his coat back.

Who should drop by but Boobiac, who acted all shocked that to learn that there are two factions in the house, even though she’s been just as fractious as the Newbies. “Are there sides?” Her attempts at disingenuousness were absurd. It's like Bellatrix Palin acting shocked when someone thinks she's lining up a run for the White House. (In a bus. She'll never get elected to it.)

Everyone: Her name is Porsche, one syllable, not Portia, two syllables.

Boobiac and Edsel (My new name for Porsche) just love each other. Well, they’re both “VIP Waitresses,” that is, whores, and I guess whores stick together, like the pages of a wet book, and I can guess why too.

Edsel: “Cassi started this We Hate Portia club [She mispronounces her own name!] that she’s the sole member of.” Edsel, the preposition with which you ended that sentence is the least of its troubles. The real problem is that the We Hate Porsche Club has at least 6 members within the house. Outside the house, it’s gone national, and is growing faster than the National Debt. I’m a charter member myself, and was just elected to its Board of Governors.

The interesting thing is, Queen Kalia and Leatherface each do not know that the other is a turncoat too. Apparently the vote reversals were made independently of each other, not via collusion. This surprised me.

Leatherface to Adam:”You can tell me the truth.” Yes, but don’t expect her to return the favor. Adam said that Dominic leaving the room “confirmed” that he was the rat. No, you boob; all it “confirmed” was that he was no longer in the room. It’s Leatherface, whom you’re telling this to, who is the traitor (one of them), and it is music to her beef-jerky ears. Again Adam, use your big ugly head. It makes no sense for Dominic to betray the alliance he created. It’s stupid. It’s anti-reasoning.

Dominc to Cassi: “We woulda just ran the tables.” Dom, first off you mean you would have just run the tables, and secondly, in order to run the tables, a Newbie needs to win a competition once in a while. “But I do trust Shelley.” Great, you don’t trust the man who told you the truth, but you’re totally trusting of the woman who has lied to you, betrayed you, and has effectively destroyed your new alliance in a single week. Why? Well Dom is a self-confessed Momma’s boy, and Leatherface is a Mom. Dom, go read Oedipus Rex and Medea. Learn the ugly truth about Moms.

But Dom again showed he’s smarter than most of them. He correctly sussed out that he needs to flip a vet, and zeroed right in on Danielle as the weakest link. Smart move. Danielle would be an idiot to take you up on it, but then, the good news is that Daniele is an idiot.

A commercial ran that called the putrid and stupid Transformers movie : “The number one movie in the world.” This was on Sunday, after Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part Two was already almost at a gross of $1,000,000,000 worldwide after just three days. They also said that critics were “raving” about it. All the reviews I have read or seen did indeed have critics raving. They are raving about how horrible and stupid it is. “It’s the best summer movie in years,” the lying ad screamed. Yes, if those years are 1832, or 1287 BC.

Dominc is a true himbo; he knew that the way to win over Danielle was to flirt with her. Danielle went for it. My, aren't you easy, Danielle?

Okay, I get why Cassi hates Boobiac; she’s met her, but why does Boobiac hate Cassi? Just because she doesn't have to turn tricks to earn a living?

Leatherface is looking forward to when she is HOH. Hey Buckskinpuss, first you have to win an HOH competition. So far I’ve seen you win nothing, nor come in second, nor third, nor fourth, etc.

I understand that it gets really boring in the Big Brother house. After all, I only see three hours of it a week, and I'm bored. But watching Bookie’s superhero (Bookieman?) “Battling” Dominc in a bathing suit and a beach-towel-cape, like two five year olds, was not my idea of entertainment, though again, Dom understood that the way for him to move ahead is to flirt, this time with Bookie.

And did Bookie forget to wear a jock or a dance belt under his tights? Because I could see Little Bookie and his two hairy companions pretty clearly. After this, even the crappy Spider-Man musical looks good. (Did you see the excerpt from the Spider-Man musical on Letterman the other night? Oh my Godless, it was horrible! Bono has lost his Edge.)

While Dominic was smartly converting Danielle, the other Newbies were falling all over each other in the rush to go join up with the vets. Adam made the same mistake with The Vets that he made with The Newbies, he told them the truth. Now they don’t trust him either. The way you win trust in the Big Brother house is to tell people what they want to hear, not the truth.

Is Danielle’s snappy fedora made of wood?

Lawon screamed at us in The Diary Room (He’s one of those idiots that thinks the mikes don’t very work well, and he must lean into our faces and scream at us to make any point at all.) that he was not going to be a Have-Not this week! Less screaming, more winning, dipshit.

This was not just a difficult Have-Nots competition, it was dangerous. Getting shmushed into the same outfit with Adam must have been horrible for poor Dominic. Fat is bad enough. Fat steel wool is worse. Dominic's lovely fair skin must have been scratched to ribbons. Still, I have to love a competition that turns the houseguests into pests and vermin, or rather, reveals them as such.

Queen Kalia, whom I have disliked since the first episode, was “pumped” to win. “I can not be a Have-Not again.” Oh yes you can. You see dear, to not be a Have-Not, you have to do more than make assertive statements in The Diary Room you don’t back up with action; you also have to win the freakin’ competition. And to do that , you have to dig deep and put out some EFFORT! Instead, she & Lawon not only came in last, but the instant a winner was declared (In a brilliant Sadistic touch, one couple wins, and gets to choose the other Haves.), she ceased to function, and refused to move, instead choosing to have a claustrophobic panic attack while melded with Lawon inside the large, but not large enough, can.

She carried on like she was dying, though she actually was only tired and spoiled. A medic had to come in and cut Lawon out of the costume. Then suddenly, once she was the center of attention again, she was fine. The medic pointed out that there was nothing wrong with her. Well, she wasn’t injured. There’s an enormous amount wrong with her. Basically, she had an attack of Spoiled Drama Queenitis. I hope she’s a Have-Not all summer. She could use the weight-loss. Frankly, a month on Survivor would do her a world of good.

Queen Kalia on Queen Lawon: “I could definitely feel Lawon’s, like, future grandchildren up in there.” LAWON’S FUTURE GRANDCHILDEN??? How the hell is this little queen going to get grandchildren? You can not adopt grandchildren. Has she actually not snapped to what a big old queen he is? Really? Richard Simmins will have grandchildren before Lawon does. Frankly, I’d have thought he’d have “tucked” before the competition, out of habit.

Boobiac’s okay with being a bottom. I’ve suspected for a year that she was really a man, and now she admits it!

While the Newbies bitched and moaned, Bookie and Boobiac just got on with it. Within one minute, it was obvious the Vets would be winning once again.

Adam, I get that you’re not gay. Shut up about it. Frankly, except for a few deaf bear lovers, all gay men are glad you’re straight. And yet, you called Dominic a “pretty boy.” Sounds pretty gay, Adam.

Watching Queen Kalia get battered and beaten up all through the competition was the most entertaining part of the episode. She should get physically battered in every episode. When Sir Noel Coward wrote in Private Lives that “certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs,” he was referring to Queen Kalia, even though her parents had not yet been born. Sir Noel had foresight.

But then Jordumb and Homophobic Asshole chose the Queens to be Haves. Please. After that disgusting drama display, not to mention coming in LAST, Queen Kalia deserved to be on slop. Ooh, I’m hurt. Wah, wah, wah. Well, back to my “antics”. (She actually referred to her game play as “antics.”)

Danielle actually did campaign to keep Dom. First thing she’s done that impressed me. Well, that and the way she can wear that hat without getting splinters in her head.

Anyway, Adam & Dominic went up on the block. Guys, maybe you should try winning the POV. Just a suggestion. Think you can win a competition, guys?

No, I don’t either. We’ll see tonight, since I was too lazy to write this two days ago. Cheers darlings