Monday, January 28, 2013

(Dick Van) Dykes and Male Actresses at the SAG Awards.

Maybe it’s me, but I think the SAG Award trophy, "The Actor," is hunkier than the Oscar. Better hung too.

I like that the SAG Awards only run two hours. You save so much time when not handing out awards for Best Catering and Most Egregious Use of 3-D.

The voice-over blather over the montage of arrivals would need to be 2000% percent better simply to rise to hackneyed. "Hey, Ben Affleck, Argo find your seats." Hey banter-writers, Argo fuck yourselves. Well, it’s immediately clear that these are not the WGA awards.

Ben Affleck gropes a hunky naked man.
(I KNEW it!)
 What has SAG got against the term "Actress"? How am I supposed to take seriously hearing "I’m Sofia Vagara, and I’m an actor"? It's enough of a challenge taking seriously "I’m Sofia Vagara and I’m an actress."

The anorexic wife of one of the American Idol judges (the first-ever hot A.I. judge) gave out Best Supporting Male Actor in a Male Role in a Movie, Slide Show or Shadow Puppets Performance.

Mr. Nicole Kidman

The clip of Phillip Seymour Hoffman in The Master (Which I’m told someone saw) had him saying: "Our past has been reshapened." I trust it’s not up for any writing awards.

How weak has not eating anything since 1997 left Mrs. Keith Urban? Well, she almost needed help to open the envelope. I was amazed she could lift it.

Tommy Lee Jones was so sour-looking all through the Golden Globs, clearly hating every moment, that it’s no surprise he didn’t bother to show up for the SAG awards, despite it being a far more respectable award. And how pissed off were Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, Alan Arkin and Javier Bardem, all of whom did show up, only to lose to the no-show? Bardem came all the way from Spain, for pity’s sake! Come cry on my bosom, Javier.

Javier Bardem where he belongs, in bed with me! He has excellent taste in literature!

"Outstanding Female Actor." Oh please! It doesn’t just sound wrong, it sounds PRETENTIOUS! "Outstanding Actress," what is wrong with that? (Even with performers like Barry Humphries or Charles Busch, no one ever says "Outstanding Male Actress.")

Two of my favorite male actresses.

Isn’t Lincoln like two days long or something? (I haven't seen it. I read the Gore Vidal book.) Why then do I keep seeing the exact same Sally Field clip over and over on show after show? Is she only in one scene? Are they afraid of spoiling the ending?

You know, If I were going to pay a woman to have sex with me (Don’t hold your breath, ladies), I’d want someone a lot hotter than Helen Hunt. Did she take double coupons or something?

Oh Justin Timberlake, you broke my heart when you married that - that - that woman who is not Vera Miles, and worse, is not me. I guess you had more trouble chewing your way out of her restraints than you did chewing your way out of mine. At least mine were flavored. Is that woman thoughtful enough to tie you to her bed with chocolate-flavered restraints?

Justin Timberlake as Hamlet.
This is the second award Anne Hathaway has won for singing badly. Who knew they gave awards for it? On American Idol, they wouldn’t even have sent her through to Hollywood. (Well, this year "Hollywood Week" was actually shot in Northridge, but no one ever shouts: "You’re going to Northridge!")

For Alec Baldwin’s 30 Rock clip they used a short scene which was totally stolen by Elaine Stritch. (To be fair to Alec, pretty much any scene Elaine is in she steals. The woman is a scene kleptomaniac.) And what the hell was that on Alec’s head? It looked like he’d borrowed Channing Tatum’s hair for the evening. Alec has now won 8 times for a show that only ran 7 years. How I wish Alec had said: "I’d like to thank my wife, Hilaria, for not being that Bassinger bitch."

I LOVE when Alec Baldwin Skypes me. He could Skype my brains out anytime.

Best Girly Actor on a TV Series or Rennaisance Faire was one hell of a line-up of talent. I had to pull a name out of a hat to choose whom to vote for. Tina Fey is a perfectly acceptable choice, she being a comedy goddess after all.

Betty White wasn’t there? Did she die? I love Betty intensely, but when you’re over 90 and somehow still starring in a weekly TV series (Hell, somehow still breathing, and I speak as someone who is 115), any time they’re even a minute late, let alone a no-show, "Did she die?" is the first question to pop into one’s head.

I was by this time expecting that 30 Rock would take the Gang-Comedy Ensemble award, but it was nice that instead, it went to a show that will still be on the air next week.

Poor widdle Sawah Pawin. Two weeks ago Julianne Moore won a Golden Glob for making her look like a shallow, vacuous opportunist who is monumentally ignorant and grasping. Last week Fox News fired her, indicating that even among the Far Right Lunatic Fringe, she’s no longer fooling anyone. Now tonight, Julianne Moore won the SAG Outstanding Womanly Actotrix in a Miniseries, TV Movie or Circus Award for making Sarah look like a nasty, petty, egomaniacal, self-serving ratbag with the morals of a horny necrophiliac on visiting day at the morgue, and fewer brains than the animals she gleefully shoots from a helicopter - after she shoots them. What a terrible month that ghastly woman is having. My schadenfreude is having an orgasm! What a shame Julianne can’t win an Oscar for it also, or at least a Nobel.

So Ernest Hemingway once sexually assaulted a mildly attractive waiter in a restaurant when suddenly erotically aroused by his own chest hair, despite being on a date, I guess, with Nicole Kidman Urban? What was their source for that scene? That gave my credulity a good stretch, though not as much as the "Hemingway" in Midnight in Paris (Adorable Corey Stoll), who spoke all the time in a parody of his own prose style.

I assume Kevin Costner was not there because he, like me, never expected him to win Outstanding Male Actress in a - well - Anything. There were, after all, other nominees. What’s happening to Ed Harris? In his clip, I mistook Ed for the late Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper dead is a better actor than Kevin Costner alive. (None of the nominees showed up for that category. Was that some sort of prank? A protest of something? None of them wanted to miss Downton Abbey?)

Ken Howard has evolved, if that’s the right word, from the White Shadow to the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I wanna be loved by Hugh.
I was sitting comfortably in a warm dry chair watching the show and dictating these musings to Little Dougie. Hugh Jackman walked out. (I think there may have been someone beside him, but I couldn’t see the other person any more than you can see the planet Venus when the sun is risen.) Hugh began to speak. The room began to swirl. I became disoriented. The next thing I knew, I was swimming out of my chair to escape drowning in the sudden flood unleashed beneath my lap. I need to put the show on pause for a few minutes and go take a quick, ice cold shower. Hugh, Hugh, Hugh. (Dougie! Go get a paper towel and wipe off the TV screen. You’ve left tongue streaks all over it.)

(Hugh, my future husband once you lift that silly restraining order, everyone on earth has seen the Harry Potter films and read the Harry Potter books. It’s not necessary to tell us that Bellatrix LeStrange is from Harry Potter, any more than you need to tell us that Catwoman is from Batman or that Wolverine is from my fevered night fantasies. What you could possibly explain to us is how, after Tim Burton’s film of Sweeney Todd, anyone on earth would hire Helena Bonham Carter Burton to sing in a musical again. Is she shagging Tom Hooper? A woman who’ll shag Tim Burton can’t be accused of holding out for looks. Come to think of it, after seeing Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd, why would anyone cast Sacha Baron Cohen in another musical? Is he shagging Tom Hooper also? )

Hugh made me love Hugh.
A Lifetime Achievement Award for Dick Van Dyke? Hard to think of a more worthy recipient. Okay, his "Cockney" accent in Mary Poppins sounds like a high school drama student doing "Australian," but he does everything else really well. And he’s someone you associate with high quality projects. I did not realize he was on Diagnosis: Murder for longer than The Dick Van Dyke Show ran. Are they sure it didn’t just seem longer? Having a superb physical and verbal comic actor/singer/dancer noticing clues every week in the billionth "Old Star as Non-Cop Who Solves a Murder Every Week Because the Police are Stupid" whodunit TV series seems like such a waste of talent. And on the rare occasions that I watched that show, I was - let’s say distracted - by his hot son Barry.

Dick Van Dyke as Hamlet.

Anyway, Dick Van Dyke’s career is well-deserving of a Lifetime Achievement Award. Too often these days, Lifetime Achievement Awards are going to people in their 40s, or even their 30s. I believe that The Oscars next month plan to give a Lifetime Achievement Award and the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Quvenzhané Wallis.

The next recipiant of AFI's Lifetime Achievement Award, Baby Harry Potter from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(Sidebar rumination: after watching a multitude of whodunit shows on TV over the years, one could be forgiven for wondering how the police ever manage to solve murders on their own without help from con-men consultants, private sleuths, coroners, defense lawyers, nosy doctors, crime-fiction writers, psychic children, teenagers with a van and a large dog, husband and wife busybody teams, Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, Casper the Friendly Ghost, and so on and so forth. How did Lieutenant Columbo manage to solve murders so well? He was a cop.)

So both Carl Reiner and Mary Tyler Moore told Dick Van Dyke they couldn’t participate in his career tribute because they both have (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) "The Flu." And he bought it? Dick, they cancelled out because of the "flu" six months ago! (I’m joking - about Carl.)

Oh Amy Poehler, you are a goddess.

I digg Taye, even if he is married to the Wicked Witch of the West. He melted her heart. Dorothy Gale melted the rest of her.
Thank Heaven Taye Diggs was wearing an unflattering goatee. (Do you know how hard it is for something - anything! - to be unflattering on Taye Diggs?) When they first announced he was coming out, I was afraid I was going to have to change chairs again.

"Like my cock ring? I had to have it specially made."

I’m supposed to believe that Claire Danes deserves the award for Outstanding Effeminate Thespian in a Dramatic TV Show or Sleazy Carnival over Maggie Smith? Maggs may be the Most Outstanding Penis-Free Actor alive after me. I’m sure Claire Danes is fine, as actors with still operational wombs go, but I missed her Shakespearean work opposite Lord Olivier and her Noel Coward work with Sir Noel Coward, whereas, I did see Maggs do those things. Gertrude Lawrence wished she played Amanda Prynne as well as Maggie did, and the part was written for Gertie.

Well, at least Claire in her speech did what Jodie Foster failed to do at the Globs; she came out as a man, though it seemed to be news to her too.

Two observations about the Dead Actors and Dead Female Actors montage: 1. Relax. I was not in it again this year. 2. Did Jack Soo die again? I could have sworn he had died already, back in 1979, but there he was in the Dead Female Actors and Male Actresses Montage. We loved Jack so much it was hard enough having him die just the once. It seems mean to him and to us to make him die twice.

It takes a teensy bit of the sting out of the death of rightly beloved Larry Hagman to know that, starting tonight, we get one last run of new Dallas episodes with him. Larry was a lovely, funny, agreeably weird, genuinely eccentric guy, and the memory of my making him roar with laughter on one occasion about 4 years ago pleases me greatly. How wonderful that the Dallas revival came along just in time to enable Larry to go out back on top again. But now the son of Peter Pan has flown away for good, and Dallas is our new Neverland.

What is the point of being a Show Biz Immortal if you can still just die, like lesser people? You know, like you.

In the nominees clips for Best Multi-Gender Thespian Troupe on a TV Drama or High School Play, whoever chose to put a clip of the guy in the Breaking Bad drug-scumballs’ and lowlifes’ dinner scene describing eating microwaved lasagna as being like "eating scabs" where it would be instantly followed by a scene of over-civilized snooty posh folks having a formal dinner at Downton Abbey deserves a raise. (Mind you, I had just finished consuming some lasagna I had reheated in my microwave not ten minutes earlier, so thanks for almost giving my viewing snack a winter repeat. Fortunately, I developed a taste for eating scabs many years back during a particularly long actor’s strike.) Since the scene from Boardwalk Empire was also of people talking around a table while they ate and drank, when we got to the Homeland clip, I was mildly disappointed that it wasn’t a dinner scene also. How nice it would have been if all the clips were dinner scenes.

Sigourney Weaver doesn’t seem to know how to remove a slip of paper from an envelope. Does she not get any fan mail ever, or does she palm it all off on an underling to open, read and discard?

Wait! They let the housekeeper make the acceptance speech for Downton Abbey? Shouldn’t it be one of the toffs? It seems someone has forgotten her place. Next she’ll want the vote! Harumph!

Helen Mirrin was nominated for playing Lady Alma Reville Hitchcock? Look, I love Helen and all, but I met Alma. She was a hobbit. She must have been a full foot shorter than Helen. And then there’s the fact that Mirrin is so beautiful that even in her ‘60s, she’s still sexy and stunning. Alma was, well, ah, she was very, very talented, and very, very brilliant, and very, very accomplished - and homelier than a bulldog with pink eye.

Don't you wish the Hitchcocks had made a sex tape together? That would be scary!

So Daniel Day Lewis won Best Actress in a Male Role for playing the guy on the money. Frankly, the role of General Grant is worth ten times what the role of Lincoln is worth. Let’s face it; a robot could play Lincoln. For a moment there I thought Lewis was going to thank John Wilkes Booth. (Did Booth’s agent get 10% of the blame for the assassination?)

Abe was our first Republican president, and our last good Republican president. Mayhaps then it is fitting that he achieved the greatest ambition of all Republicans; he became money! Little Dougie's father used sometimes to complain: "I'm not made of money, you know." Well Lincoln is these days.

So although no individual actorette of any gender in Argo was deemed worthy of an award, nonetheless, they won the Whole Bunch of Thespians in One Flick award? Apparently, the players in Argo all suck individually, but together they’re great. Okay. The real message here seemed to be: everyone else in Lincoln besides Daniel Day Lewis and Tommy Lee Jones is lame. I guess you need three names to win for that movie. If only she were Sally Tyler Field. They’d have given the ensemble award to Les Misérables if only it hadn’t been for Russell Crow’s "singing." There's no way to announce the award as going to "The cast of Les Misérables, except for Russell Crow."

Notice how in an award show entirely controlled by actors, no one gets played off? And let me just add ... [Music begins playing my theme song, Heat Crazed] ... that I could never have written this column... [Music gets louder] ... without the help of Little Dougie and ... [Music becomes deafening] ... Oh fuck it! Cheers, darlings.

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