Monday, January 14, 2013

Gobs of Globes

Without doubt, the most phallic of all show biz awards. They should call them the Golden Dongs.

Ah the Golden Globs, the award show where you can drink throughout the whole show and buy an award. It was three hours that flew like ten.

First off, having Al Roker on the red carpet right after the clip of his confessing to pooping his pants, what Joel McHale called a "shart," ran on The Soup, Letterman, The Daily Show and probably other programs I missed, was an unfortunate choice. One kept wondering if it would become a brown carpet at any moment, and you’d think any entering celebrity wouldn’t want to get to near him. "What’s that smell? Is it Gangster Squad, or just Al Roker having another incontinent moment?" I just hope he doesn’t have Incontinental Drift. Maybe he could host Shart Week, or an odious game show like Card Sharts.

Tina and Amy are comedy goddesses. On the other hand, before Ricky Gervais ever hosted, I was pitching for him to host because I felt he was brilliantly funny. Well, that’s all over with. I don’t want that happening again with Amy and Tina. Girls, stay funny. Don’t become smug and sour like Ricky has.

"Mandy Patinkin is also a treasure of American musical theater." Who wrote that line? Mandy? How about we make the Great Over-Actor and Over-Singer a BURIED treasure, and then lose the map to him?

You know, Christoph Waltz is such a good actor and such an engaging person, I almost didn’t mind that his winning an award meant an award to a Tarantino film, even though I loathe Tarantino and his entire output.

Well of course Maggie Smith won; she’s a goddess of acting. Why did the other nominees even bother to show up? Maggie didn’t. She probably told them she had to wash her hair. "The Golden Globs? Call me when it’s a real award."

Maggie Smith in Downton Hogwarts

So Michael J. Fox’s son Dan, who looks like he might be about old enough to get his learner’s permit later this year, or maybe next year, is a "Philanthropist"? Really? What is the source of his fortune? Where is Dan Fox Hall, or the Dan Fox Library? You know, giving your lunch money to schoolyard bullies doesn’t make you a "Philanthropist."

Clint Eastwood’s daughter, eh? Is this the loony one who torches $100,000 dollar purses? (Speaking of loony, the mere fact that there IS such a thing as a $100,000 purse is pretty darn loony.) Will she be setting fire to the lady winners’ gowns? Will she be presenting Golden Globs to empty chairs? (At the Eastwood residence, the song from Les Misérables, Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, is considered a song about a packed house.)

I’d love to have seen the look on Sarah Palin’s face when the movie about what a, nasty, evil, and stupid boob she is won Best TV Movie. Well of course Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. She was much more convincing in the role than the real Sarah Palin was.

How does Catherine Zita-Jones-Douglas-Zack-Duncan keep getting more beautiful? I figured she was married to that old guy because she would always look young when standing next to him. I can certainly think of no other reason. It’s not like he was sexy even when he was young, early last century. But he wasn’t standing next to her while she introduced a 2-second clip of Les Miz, and yet she was still incredibly gorgeous. She looked so great, I’m amazed people weren’t mistaking her for me. (Well, she is a brunette whereas I am a natural Platinum blond.)

Amy Poehler was one inch of doublestick tape away from showing us her Golden Globs, though no one seemed to be complaining about it.

The elderly lesbian who was President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association thinks it’s an "Honor" to hold that post. Well, English is clearly not her first language; maybe she needs to look up the meaning of the word "Honor."

Apparently Paul Rudd can not speak without a prompter.

Paul is willing to let you play with his Golden Globes, when my turn ends, so don't hold your breath.

When you give an award to Homeland, the terrorists win.

Do they ever waterboard Mandy Patinkin on Homeland? If so, I may have to catch it.

The sight of Robert Downey Jr. kissing Mel Gibson made me vomit. Didn’t Robert get the memo that Gibson is anathema? Didn’t his agent ever tell him: "Never be seen on national TV kissing any notorious homophobes or anti-Semites or drunken crazy wife/girlfriend abusers, let alone kissing someone known to everyone to be all of the above and worse"?

When they introduced "Tony Mendez," I was expecting the Cuban cue card guy from Letterman to walk out. Instead it was some elderly CIA spook who sure looks NOTHING like Ben Affleck. (Ben was looking great though. The beard is flattering, not that a man as gorgeous as Ben Affleck needs to wear a beard - or anything at all!)

The Tony Mendez who is not an American hero, and who has never been played by Ben Affleck.
Not only was "Tony Mendez" not Letterman’s cue card guy, but he seemed to have trouble even reading cue cards. He’s not an actor, I know. But he was a spy, and acting is life and death for spies. Sir Christopher Lee, a GREAT actor, was also a real, behind-enemy-lines, spy in World War II (For our side; he only pretends to be evil in movies. He’s actually a very good man; he’s just a very bad wizard) has this to say in his autobiography, Lord of Misrule, about his experiences as a spy (His actual spy adventures themselves are still classified): "As the new spy, I found myself like an actor taking on a part in a long-running play, except that here, the actors were obliged for their lives to depend on me."

Sir Christopher Lee's Scaramanga, aka, The Man With the Golden Globe - ah - Gun was the most cheerful Bond villain.
Given that he was a real, genuine spy, and a war hero, I wonder how he kept a straight face on the set of The Man With the Golden Gun, watching Roger Moore, the lamest of all James Bonds, going through his pathetic paces. Come to think of it, his Scaramanga does grin a lot.

Spy vs Spy

What was Jennifer Lopez’s dress made of? Doilies?

Now that she's "left by mutual agreement" American Idol (Show Biz jargon for "Fired"), her next project will be a sitcom called The Slutty Nun.
Wasn’t it nice of Adele to class up the night by talking about how she and her friend had been "pissing ourselves," as they watched the show. She’s lucky they didn’t make her go sit at Al Roker’s table. She’s also lucky that she doesn’t sing with that accent. Apparently, pronouncing ALL the consonants in her words is too much effort.

Wait. They gave an ACTING award to Kevin Costner? Kevin is one of the most boring actors ever to sustain an inexplicable career. Did he say anything amusing? As always, he opened his mouth to speak and I dropped off to sleep.

The super-excitng, Oscar and Golden Glob-winning, superstar Kevin Cost--- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

When they introduced Bill Clinton, I half-expected that that Eastwood girl was just going to wheel out an empty chair.

Bill being "Presidential."
I was amused that they had a Democratic president introduce the clip from a movie about a Republican president. Imagine if George Bush were doing it: "Heh, heh, heh. I love this Lincoln guy. Only in Amurica could a Disneyland robot be The Decider. I remember when Daddy took us to Disneyland when I was a teenager. The robot stood up and I said: "Dada, it’s that guy on the money! Lincoln was a great robot, who rose in power from a mere penny to a whole damn fiver. Though I have to say I liked the Teacups better, 'specially when I was drunk and coked up. So what’s this Lincoln movie about anyway? Hey, Roker, you’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie. Heh, heh, heh."

I think Spielberg's decision to cut Lincoln's nude scene was wise. Who can forget that final scene, when the robot John Wilkes Booth sneaks into Lincoln's theater box and unplugs him? "Sic Semper Robotus!"
So was Tina Fey in male drag and mustache to keep Clinton from hitting on her? Amy’s "That was Hilary Clinton’s husband," was funny, though she should have added: "He’s actually had his penis inside Hilary - among others."

Tina does not make for a hot male, although maybe a better hairstyle would help.
So they follow a former president with two of SNL’s best alumni introducing two of SNL’s most-annoying alumni.

You know, I love Hugh Jackman so much that the sight of him laughing hard at terminally unfunny Will Farrell and excruciatingly annoying Kristin Wiig’s tedious bit did not make me lose all respect for him. My esteem for him took only a very tiny, momentary dip. I thought: "Hugh’s had to suffer through Russell Crow’s ‘Singing’ in person, and repeatedly, take after take, so he’s suffered enough."

A scene from Les X-érables.

So Sarah Lawrence beat out Maggie Smith and Meryl Streep? Hell of an achievement. Who is she? I’ll give her this, she was genuinely funny, considerably funnier than Ferrell and Wiig.

Is John Krasinski even remotely aware of how dishy he is? He just keeps getting hotter, the more so for his seeming unawareness of it.

You know, the big song, I Dreamed a Dream, that Anne Hathaway did in one long take, and which won her this award and has her the favorite to take the Oscar too, is knocking people out for her emotional, rip-your-heart-out, acting performance. But playing it as she walked up, just sound, so it’s just music, what you hear is an out-of-control vibrato, massive pitchiness, and an inability to sustain a note. It works as acting, but as music to listen to out-of-context, it just becomes bad singing. I may end up loving the film when I see it, but I don’t expect I’ll be buying the soundtrack album.

Still, Hathaway’s rendition of it is preferable to the dozens of gay twinks I’ve heard sing it in gay piano bars over the years, often musically perfect, but grinning joyously ear-to-ear as they sing about how their life was totally screwed, tone deaf to the song’s emotional content. I’m not joking. Imagine a twenty-something guy with a broad look of sheer joy on his face as he belts out "I had a dream my life would be so different from this Hell I’m living." I don’t have to imagine it; I’ve seen it, repeatedly.

Quentin Tarantino won for screenplay? Ew. I had to fast-forward through his speech. I just can not bear him. At least the writer of the Torture Works movie lost.

You're only encouragng this creep. Plus, he thinks it's a vibrator.

Nice to see NO standing ovation for Stallone and that Nazi-spawn walking turd, Ex-Governor Shitzenegger. Indeed, the house barely seemed to applaud them. Tarantino followed almost immediately by Stallone and Shitzenegger. Well, the money I spent on my dinner was now totally wasted.

It’s nice that they found each other so friggin’ funny, because I sure didn’t. I think I’d have even preferred a return of Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig to marble mouth and the vile Austrian anus. (And isn’t Stallone aging horribly? Doesn’t he realize the facelifts only make him look ever more grotesque? He just gets uglier and uglier. At least Shitzenegger was always ugly.)

Did they colorize Kon-Tiki? I’m fairly certain it was in black and white when I saw it back in 1960. (And it was 10 years old then.)

People seem to think Thor Heyerdahl and I are related or something, because all my life men have greeted me with cheerful cries of "Hi yer, doll!"
So did Amour actually win, or did Shitzenegger just lie to give the award to a fellow Austrian? After all, lying is all he knows how to do. (He certainly never learned acting - or governance.) If you ask him what time it is and he says "Eweven o’cwock," it’s probably 3:30.

Nice to be reminded that Sacha Baron Cohen can still actually be funny. He was so annoying in Hugo, and so not-funny in The Dictator, I was beginning to forget that Borat had made me laugh harder than almost anything else I’ve ever seen.

Speaking of funny, Aziz Ansari was hilarious. "I can’t feel my ears" may have been the funniest line of the evening in context. (Am I weird for thinking he’s kind of cute?)

Was that guy Lena Dunham hugged on her way up to get her award the nerdishly adorable guy in Fun? You know, Jack Antonoff.

Jack Antonoff? Well, I really don't know Anton well enough.
Robert Downey Jr’s line: "The Cecil B. DeMille Award says every bit as much about the presenter as it does the recipient," made me laugh so hard I almost forgave him for kissing Mel Gibson – but only "almost."

Oh dear. The tribute to Jodie Foster. Uck. Look, Jodie is a pretty good actress, clearly intelligent and educated. I ought to respect and admire her. Why don’t I? Well, first off, she needs to reign in her giant ego. Secondly, she needs, really, really needs, to stop hanging out with and butt-kissing that walking turd, that vile piece of garbage, Mel Shitbrain Gibson. And finally, she needs actually to come out. Her jokey near-come out bit, which depended for its alleged "humor" on the fact that everyone there and across America already knows she’s a Lesbian, was offensive. To take the courageous public coming outs of braver performers than she, like Neal Patrick Harris, John Barrowman, Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen Degeneris, Greg Louganis, Ricky Martin, Dan Butler, Richard Chamberlin, Chris Colfer, Rupert Everett (Who shares little Dougie’s and my birthday), Jessie Tyler Ferguson, Harvey Fierstein, Malcolm Gets, John Glover, Zachary Quinto, Cheyenne Jackson, Sir Ian McKellan, Sir Derek Jacobi, T.R, Knight, Leslie Jordan, Adam Lambert, Nathan Lane, Matt Lucas, David Hyde Pierce, George Takai, BD Wong, Graham Chapman, David Ogden Stiers, Roger Rees, Graham Norton, Simon Callow, and Jim Parsons, and then equate them to Honey Boo Boo was mind-bogglingly offensive and insulting to all these people whose asses she is not worthy to wash. Jodie Foster, you coward, go away. Go play with that vile piece of garbage - HOMOPHOBIC garbage - Mel Gibson.

The younger, prettier Mel Gibson looks back to the future to the days when his inner ugliness finds its way to the surface So he's revolting now outside and in.

I’ll tell you what did give me pride and hope and tears: my first draft of that list of openly gay performers was FOUR TIMES AS LONG!!! They are the brave ones. Jodie is the smug, self-satisfied coward, hanging with that asshole Gibson.

Oh well, the cowardly bitch looked great. Lovely exterior, revolting interior.

I don’t know if Ben Affleck was actually the Best Director of those nominees, but he sure was the Best Looking Director. And I think his beard looks great also.

Big Ben apparently does great work behind the camera. He certainly works well in front of it.

Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno’s bit was funny, which is odd since Jay Leno was in it. (30 years ago, I thought Jay a very, very funny man, and admired him offstage as well as on. I knew him slightly in those days. These days, not so much. He’s been pandering to the lowest common denominator, and kissing the asses of the right-wing - He did more than anyone to gift us with Governor Shtizenegger - for the better part of two decades now, and my respect for him has drained away.)

Notice how Christian Bale’s mere presence can suck all the life out of a room? He’s talented, but ... Well, baleful. He's still more morose, grouchy Batman than charming-man-about-town Bruce Wayne.

Ben Affleck had his beard finish his speech for him two awards later. That’s a new strategy.

My Godless, Bill Murray looked like he’d been in a fist-fight in the parking lot. Bill darling, I admire the heck out of you. You’re incredibly talented and hilarious with, it seems, a still-expanding range, and I know you like to play with your crafted image as a gifted eccentric, but really. You knew you were going to be on TV. At least wash your face, and maybe 30 seconds with a hairbrush would not be a waste either.

Was there an award for Best Looking Actor in the World? No? Well then, Hugh Jackman should get a second award, but I loved that he won what he did. He won my heart some time back.

They made Hugh Jackman AUDITION to play Jean Valjean? Why? The instant I first heard that Hugh had been cast in that role I said: "Of course! Perfect! Ideal casting! Born to the role!" Colm Wilkinson, whom I saw play it on Broadway 25 years ago, is now too old for the part, but they could not do better than Hugh. His whole career has been an audition for that role. Did they audition Russell Crowe? If so, why is he in the movie? They should have said to him: "Thank you for coming in, Mr. Crowe. NEXT!"

In his speech Hugh said: "A lot of you know my wife" (Is that "Know" in the Biblical sense?) "She’s the greatest woman in the world."


My newest husband. If you think you're surprised, think how surprised I was! Let's get this stupid awards show over so Huge and I can get to the honemoon.

You know this is not the first, nor the second, nor even the seventh time I’ve woken up and found I’d acquired a new husband during a blackout, but of all my surprise husbands, Hugh is definitely the best! My drunken haze taste is improving. So when do we get to the honeymoon, darling? I’ll show you a Lay Misérable you’ll never forget.

Hugh’s little dig at Ben Affleck for having his beard finish his speech later was a lovely ad lib. Good grief, he’s a fine actor, a wonderful singer, idiotically over-handsome, sex on toast, kind, considerate, decorative, hyper-charming, humble (Ever tried that, Jodie? I mean genuine humbleness, not a fake display of false modesty) willing to tell a polite lie to spare someone’s feelings (He thanked Russell Crowe after all, I assume for not succeeding in totally sinking the movie), and now it turns out he can also be funny and witty off-the-cuff! Does Hugh Jackman have any flaws at all? Even one tiny one? Tell me he leaves the cap off the tooth paste or the toilet seat up, anything. I’m grasping for at least one flaw, just to make him human.

Well, if they’re going to blank out Jeremy Renner’s off-the-cuff foul language, they need to be faster on the button. "Shit" sailed through clear as a bell before the sound went silent. Al Roker probably thought Renner was giving him a direction and immediately befouled the Press Room. Basically, Renner had a verbal shart.

Is his name "Renner" or "Rimmer"?

Dustin Hoffman worked a plug for the movie he’s directed into his reading of nominees. That’s a real, old-time Hollywood pro for you, always flogging the product. Dustin was on Letterman quite recently to plug Quartet. He described the film in a manner that made it sound deadly dull. He realized this and tried back-pedaling, assuring the audience that it was not deadly dull or stultifyingly boring. Then he ran a clip from it that not only was deadly dull, but actually managed the rare achievement of being a gigantic snooze despite Maggie Smith being in the clip! Do you know how hard it is to make Maggie Smith boring? That takes work. (Dustin, directing his first movie at age 75, must be the oldest first-time movie director ever.)

When Les Misérables won Best Comedy (When I think "Comedy," I think Les Misérables), Musical or Flea Circus, I thought, Jeeze, it’s the 1987 Tony Awards all over again. (And then I began singing along with the cast.)

To the producer of Les Miz who was surprised to find he was being played off "already": First off, you had Anne Hathaway taking some of your time to continue her speech (A new awards show trend: serialized acceptance speeches), and then, I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you speak REALLY sloooooooowly. Did you listen to Ben Affleck race through his speech? That’s how you say a lot in a short amount of time.

(And Anne, I know you’re excited and all, but taking your producer’s time to extend your own personal time in the spotlight is about as rudely self-involved a blunder as you could commit. "Yes, our movie won, but let’s listen to ME some more! I haven't thanked my plumber yet, or my fifth grade teacher.")

Jessica Chastain is such a fine actress that I was ok with her win, even if it meant an award going to the Hurray For Torture movie.

Now I’ve seen everything. The band actually had the gall to play off Abraham Lincoln! Oh well, better than shooting him.

Well, they often say that the Golden Globs are predictors of The Oscars. Not this year. The Best Director winner isn’t even nominated for the Oscar, and this also means that Argo hasn’t got a prayer of winning Best Picture. So will Les Miz take Best Picture next month? Will they do a sequel to Lincoln, like Lincoln II, The Reconstruction - "This time it’s personal!" or Lincoln: The Man, The Robot, The Car, The Penny! BTW, there is almost no truth the rumor that Abe Lincoln's body, before being placed into his coffin, was wrapped in a giant bank penny wrapper.

If I have a major complaint about the program it’s that there wasn’t enough of Tina and Amy. But then, is there ever? Cheers darlings.

Ben before he got plump and covered his shoulders with ugly tattoos. Why would you tattoo such a lovely body? Talk about "Gilding the lily."


Anonymous said...

It's very scary when Talulah/Little Dougie's review of the Golden Gobs is much funnier (and way shorter) than the original source material. Bustagut hilarity abounds.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Well, I would at least hope it's shorter than a 3 hour telecast. Thanks, darling.