Thursday, January 10, 2013

"It's an Honor Just to be Nominated." Or Is It?

The Oscar nominations were announced this morning. As usual, I was snubbed. Their pathetic excuse was that I haven't been in a movie since 1969. That might hold water except that they never nominated me when I was making films, so that's just a dodge. At least this year, I'm in good company with other snubees like Kathryn Bigelowe and Ben Affleck. "Yes, we're nominating Argo for Best Picture, but as for its acclaimed director; argo fuck yourself, Affleck," said the Academy.

Having 97 Best Picture nominations is a pretty meaningless waste of time, especially with still only 5 Best Director nominees. It's like those schools that pass everyone, and only give out "A"s, so no kid ever feels inferior. Result? They learn nothing and end up being actually inferior, as well as not learning how to cope with failure. When did "Self-Esteem" become more important than actually learning stuff in school? What is this? Texas? 

Face it, Ben and Kathryn, if they didn't nominate the director, then they have no intention of giving your movie any awards. This year Zero Dark Thirty, or as we like to call it, the "Hurray for Torture" movie, will win squat.

Frankly, it would save time just to list the films NOT nominated for Best Picture, which is pretty much just Hitchcock, Skyfall and The Hobbit, which are almost the only movies I saw in theaters this year. Well, I did also see Dark Shadows, and the RSC production of Frankenstein with Benedict Cumberbatch, and I mean to catch Les Misérables, because I LOVE the stage musical of it. Plus, I'll gladly spend three hours staring at Hugh Jackman doing almost anything.

Denzel, Bradley and Joaquin, don't worry about your speeches. This is a two-horse race: Hugh Jackman and Daniel Day-Lewis. Go Hugh!

I know who has my vote!
Django Unchained for Best Picture? Really? Oh well. That gore-loving hack Tarantino was not nominated for Best Director, so it's not going to win anything. Tarantino, in all of his trashy, overpraised films, wallows in ugliness for its own sake. And for the merchandising of his new comedy violence-porn trash flick, he's outdone himself. Toy slaves for your kiddies to play with! Now Tarantino has an excuse; he's a hackish dweeb who thinks he's cool when he's actually clueless, but what is Harvey Weinstein's excuse?

Toy Slaves! Be sure also to get Barbie's Malibu Dream Plantation and Slave Quarters. Collect and flog the entire set. (Soon to include toy attack dogs to rip your slave dolls apart.)

Lincoln was nominated for "Best Adapted Screenplay." Excuse me, but what is it "adapted" from? Yes, they used historical sources, and that book by that Goodwin woman who thinks of Disney's robot Lincoln as a high-tech sextoy, but Lincoln is an ORIGINAL screenplay by Tony Kushner. Why is it nominated for "Adapted Screenplay"? From the title, it sounds like it's adapted from Lincoln by Gore Vidal, a great novel (the only kind Gore wrote) that was already adapted (As "Gore Vidal's Lincoln") with Mary Tyler Moore as Mary Tyler Lincoln and Sam Waterston as the robot.

And just why wasn't Tallyho, Tallulah! nominated for Best Original Novel by a Movie Star? Unlike Lincoln, you don't know how it ends before it even starts.

Quvenzhané Wallis is nominated for Best Actress. Quite apart from the silliness of thinking a 9 year old child can take Best Actress from Jessica Chastain, the fact is that a presenter on opening the envelope and seeing the name "Quvenzhané Wallis," will probably just announce "Naomi Watts" rather than struggle on live TV trying to figure out how to pronounce "Quvenzhané." (Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wallis, what was wrong with "Donna" or "Mary" or "Jane" or "Tallulah," nice, easy-to-pronounce, normal girl names? Names people can say.)

Best Supporting Actor is one of the most talent-packed categories I've ever seen: Alan Arkin, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, Tommy Lee Jones and Christoph Waltz. ALL FIVE of them already have Oscars! Who can choose between them? All are great actors, and none of them are very shaggable anymore. (And Hoffman never was.)

Hitchcock received only one nomination (and that one was a stretch), for Best Make-Up. Basically, they were nominated for giving Sir Anthony Hopkins an additional chin. Don't hold your breath waiting for it to beat out The Hobbit for that award. In any event, it sure wasn't going to win Best Adapted Screenplay.

Kon-Tiki was nominated for Best Foreign Language film? But it was made in 1950! Why is it only nominated now, 63 years later? Who remakes documentaries anyway?

Not surprisingly, there was no Best Song nomination for Lincoln. The Battle Hymn of the Republic was a pre-existing tune, and the title song from Our American Cousin just isn't all that catchy. Maybe if Adele had sung it...

Anyway, I'll have much more to say on the Oscars after the Oscarcast next month.

Oh, and today would have been the 74th birthday of Sal Mineo, if only that scumbucket mugger hadn't murdered him 37 years ago. The bloom would be off his youthful beauty by now, but I wish we all had gotten to know how he would look at 74.

Sal Mineo in his Oscar-nominated performance for Exodus. This beautiful man could have made me go on an exodus to where ever he was.
Cheers, darlings.

1 comment:

Tallulah Morehead said...

And you might check out the SATIRICAL COMEDY nature of the column before you "correct" THE JOKES! But thanks for having the bravery to not get the joke Anonymously.