Au Revoir, Arpad.

Arpad Miklos was the name by which porn star and sex worker Peter Kozmo was best known. He was a chemist in his native Hungary when legendary gay porn director Kristen Bjorn discovered him in 1995. Within a very few years Arpad was living in New York City, embracing his role as the manliest top daddy in gay porn. (One photo I saw of him today was captioned: "Is Gay. Is manlier than most men.") Openly and avidly gay, a total top, highly intelligent, but some saw his image as rough, brutal. I never got that. This was a highly intelligent man, with a large sense of humor, who was known as a gentle, sweet soul. I could never buy him as a son-of-a-bitch nasty daddy; his essential sweetness and gentilness always shown through.

But apparently his humor ran out. He committed suicide this past Saturday night, and that sweet soul snuffed himself out. I never met him. I have no insight or knowledge into why he died so suddenly and unexpectedly. There are always those in porn, one very recent example springs to mind who shall be nameless here, where when they kill themsleves or O.D. you only ask: "How did they last so long?" Not Arpad. He was the essence of of a survivor in porn. The typical gay porn star who is Right Now's Next Big Thing will, in 12 months, be on the "Whatever Happened to..." list. An average porn performing career lasts 3 years tops. Arpad made over 100 videos (not including his recent, mulititudinous webisodes) between 1995 and 2012, 17 years of continuous porn work. That's almost unheard of. He's an institution. He won awards for Best Scene, Best Top, Best Video, Best Escort, you name it, in porn, he won it. He was said to have a storage locker full of trophies about which he cared not, which may explain why he never called when he became the first, and, to date, only, person to win this blog's "Tallulah's Studly Hunk of the Month Award" three times.

I have no deep point to make about society, no cautionary tale. That would be stupid and presumptive. I do not why he took his life. I'm just sorry for someone I liked. He will be missed. He is missed.

Addendum, 2/18/13: A few more details have emerged. Arpad died of an intentionally self-inflicted drug overdose. He left a note that left no doubt of it being suicide, and left explicit instructions for what to do about his remains and his service. He did not give a reason for killing himself, saying he did want to give haters and those who automatically look down on sex workers the "satisfaction." He was a very stoic and private man. His closest friends say it was close to impossible to get him to speak of his own emotions or personal problems. Friends said they knew he'd been depressed, but not how deeply depressed he actually was. So sad. So very, very sad.