(Dick Van) Dykes and Male Actresses at the SAG Awards.

Maybe it’s me, but I think the SAG Award trophy, "The Actor," is hunkier than the Oscar. Better hung too.

I like that the SAG Awards only run two hours. You save so much time when not handing out awards for Best Catering and Most Egregious Use of 3-D.

The voice-over blather over the montage of arrivals would need to be 2000% percent better simply to rise to hackneyed. "Hey, Ben Affleck, Argo find your seats." Hey banter-writers, Argo fuck yourselves. Well, it’s immediately clear that these are not the WGA awards.



Ben Affleck gropes a hunky naked man.
(I KNEW it!)

 What has SAG got against the term "Actress"? How am I supposed to take seriously hearing "I’m Sofia Vagara, and I’m an actor"? It's enough of a challenge taking seriously "I’m Sofia Vagara and I’m an actress."

The anorexic wife of one of the American Idol judges (the first-ever hot A.I. judge) gave out Best Supporting Male Actor in a Male Role in a Movie, Slide Show or Shadow Puppets Performance.

Mr. Nicole Kidman

The clip of Phillip Seymour Hoffman in The Master (Which I’m told someone saw) had him saying: "Our past has been reshapened." I trust it’s not up for any writing awards.

How weak has not eating anything since 1997 left Mrs. Keith Urban? Well, she almost needed help to open the envelope. I was amazed she could lift it.

Tommy Lee Jones was so sour-looking all through the Golden Globs, clearly hating every moment, that it’s no surprise he didn’t bother to show up for the SAG awards, despite it being a far more respectable award. And how pissed off were Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, Alan Arkin and Javier Bardem, all of whom did show up, only to lose to the no-show? Bardem came all the way from Spain, for pity’s sake! Come cry on my bosom, Javier.

Javier Bardem where he belongs, in bed with me! He has excellent taste in literature!

"Outstanding Female Actor." Oh please! It doesn’t just sound wrong, it sounds PRETENTIOUS! "Outstanding Actress," what is wrong with that? (Even with performers like Barry Humphries or Charles Busch, no one ever says "Outstanding Male Actress.")

Two of my favorite male actresses.

Isn’t Lincoln like two days long or something? (I haven't seen it. I read the Gore Vidal book.) Why then do I keep seeing the exact same Sally Field clip over and over on show after show? Is she only in one scene? Are they afraid of spoiling the ending?

You know, If I were going to pay a woman to have sex with me (Don’t hold your breath, ladies), I’d want someone a lot hotter than Helen Hunt. Did she take double coupons or something?

Oh Justin Timberlake, you broke my heart when you married that - that - that woman who is not Vera Miles, and worse, is not me. I guess you had more trouble chewing your way out of her restraints than you did chewing your way out of mine. At least mine were flavored. Is that woman thoughtful enough to tie you to her bed with chocolate-flavered restraints?

Justin Timberlake as Hamlet.

　
This is the second award Anne Hathaway has won for singing badly. Who knew they gave awards for it? On American Idol, they wouldn’t even have sent her through to Hollywood. (Well, this year "Hollywood Week" was actually shot in Northridge, but no one ever shouts: "You’re going to Northridge!")

For Alec Baldwin’s 30 Rock clip they used a short scene which was totally stolen by Elaine Stritch. (To be fair to Alec, pretty much any scene Elaine is in she steals. The woman is a scene kleptomaniac.) And what the hell was that on Alec’s head? It looked like he’d borrowed Channing Tatum’s hair for the evening. Alec has now won 8 times for a show that only ran 7 years. How I wish Alec had said: "I’d like to thank my wife, Hilaria, for not being that Bassinger bitch."

I LOVE when Alec Baldwin Skypes me. He could Skype my brains out anytime.

Best Girly Actor on a TV Series or Rennaisance Faire was one hell of a line-up of talent. I had to pull a name out of a hat to choose whom to vote for. Tina Fey is a perfectly acceptable choice, she being a comedy goddess after all.

Betty White wasn’t there? Did she die? I love Betty intensely, but when you’re over 90 and somehow still starring in a weekly TV series (Hell, somehow still breathing, and I speak as someone who is 115), any time they’re even a minute late, let alone a no-show, "Did she die?" is the first question to pop into one’s head.

I was by this time expecting that 30 Rock would take the Gang-Comedy Ensemble award, but it was nice that instead, it went to a show that will still be on the air next week.

Poor widdle Sawah Pawin. Two weeks ago Julianne Moore won a Golden Glob for making her look like a shallow, vacuous opportunist who is monumentally ignorant and grasping. Last week Fox News fired her, indicating that even among the Far Right Lunatic Fringe, she’s no longer fooling anyone. Now tonight, Julianne Moore won the SAG Outstanding Womanly Actotrix in a Miniseries, TV Movie or Circus Award for making Sarah look like a nasty, petty, egomaniacal, self-serving ratbag with the morals of a horny necrophiliac on visiting day at the morgue, and fewer brains than the animals she gleefully shoots from a helicopter - after she shoots them. What a terrible month that ghastly woman is having. My schadenfreude is having an orgasm! What a shame Julianne can’t win an Oscar for it also, or at least a Nobel.

So Ernest Hemingway once sexually assaulted a mildly attractive waiter in a restaurant when suddenly erotically aroused by his own chest hair, despite being on a date, I guess, with Nicole Kidman Urban? What was their source for that scene? That gave my credulity a good stretch, though not as much as the "Hemingway" in Midnight in Paris (Adorable Corey Stoll), who spoke all the time in a parody of his own prose style.

I assume Kevin Costner was not there because he, like me, never expected him to win Outstanding Male Actress in a - well - Anything. There were, after all, other nominees. What’s happening to Ed Harris? In his clip, I mistook Ed for the late Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper dead is a better actor than Kevin Costner alive. (None of the nominees showed up for that category. Was that some sort of prank? A protest of something? None of them wanted to miss Downton Abbey?)

Ken Howard has evolved, if that’s the right word, from the White Shadow to the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I wanna be loved by Hugh.

I was sitting comfortably in a warm dry chair watching the show and dictating these musings to Little Dougie. Hugh Jackman walked out. (I think there may have been someone beside him, but I couldn’t see the other person any more than you can see the planet Venus when the sun is risen.) Hugh began to speak. The room began to swirl. I became disoriented. The next thing I knew, I was swimming out of my chair to escape drowning in the sudden flood unleashed beneath my lap. I need to put the show on pause for a few minutes and go take a quick, ice cold shower. Hugh, Hugh, Hugh. (Dougie! Go get a paper towel and wipe off the TV screen. You’ve left tongue streaks all over it.)

(Hugh, my future husband once you lift that silly restraining order, everyone on earth has seen the Harry Potter films and read the Harry Potter books. It’s not necessary to tell us that Bellatrix LeStrange is from Harry Potter, any more than you need to tell us that Catwoman is from Batman or that Wolverine is from my fevered night fantasies. What you could possibly explain to us is how, after Tim Burton’s film of Sweeney Todd, anyone on earth would hire Helena Bonham Carter Burton to sing in a musical again. Is she shagging Tom Hooper? A woman who’ll shag Tim Burton can’t be accused of holding out for looks. Come to think of it, after seeing Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd, why would anyone cast Sacha Baron Cohen in another musical? Is he shagging Tom Hooper also? )

Hugh made me love Hugh.

A Lifetime Achievement Award for Dick Van Dyke? Hard to think of a more worthy recipient. Okay, his "Cockney" accent in Mary Poppins sounds like a high school drama student doing "Australian," but he does everything else really well. And he’s someone you associate with high quality projects. I did not realize he was on Diagnosis: Murder for longer than The Dick Van Dyke Show ran. Are they sure it didn’t just seem longer? Having a superb physical and verbal comic actor/singer/dancer noticing clues every week in the billionth "Old Star as Non-Cop Who Solves a Murder Every Week Because the Police are Stupid" whodunit TV series seems like such a waste of talent. And on the rare occasions that I watched that show, I was - let’s say distracted - by his hot son Barry.

Dick Van Dyke as Hamlet.

Anyway, Dick Van Dyke’s career is well-deserving of a Lifetime Achievement Award. Too often these days, Lifetime Achievement Awards are going to people in their 40s, or even their 30s. I believe that The Oscars next month plan to give a Lifetime Achievement Award and the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Quvenzhané Wallis.

The next recipiant of AFI's Lifetime Achievement Award, Baby Harry Potter from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(Sidebar rumination: after watching a multitude of whodunit shows on TV over the years, one could be forgiven for wondering how the police ever manage to solve murders on their own without help from con-men consultants, private sleuths, coroners, defense lawyers, nosy doctors, crime-fiction writers, psychic children, teenagers with a van and a large dog, husband and wife busybody teams, Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, Casper the Friendly Ghost, and so on and so forth. How did Lieutenant Columbo manage to solve murders so well? He was a cop.)

So both Carl Reiner and Mary Tyler Moore told Dick Van Dyke they couldn’t participate in his career tribute because they both have (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) "The Flu." And he bought it? Dick, they cancelled out because of the "flu" six months ago! (I’m joking - about Carl.)

Oh Amy Poehler, you are a goddess.


I digg Taye, even if he is married to the Wicked Witch of the West. He melted her heart. Dorothy Gale melted the rest of her.

Thank Heaven Taye Diggs was wearing an unflattering goatee. (Do you know how hard it is for something - anything! - to be unflattering on Taye Diggs?) When they first announced he was coming out, I was afraid I was going to have to change chairs again.


"Like my cock ring? I had to have it specially made."

I’m supposed to believe that Claire Danes deserves the award for Outstanding Effeminate Thespian in a Dramatic TV Show or Sleazy Carnival over Maggie Smith? Maggs may be the Most Outstanding Penis-Free Actor alive after me. I’m sure Claire Danes is fine, as actors with still operational wombs go, but I missed her Shakespearean work opposite Lord Olivier and her Noel Coward work with Sir Noel Coward, whereas, I did see Maggs do those things. Gertrude Lawrence wished she played Amanda Prynne as well as Maggie did, and the part was written for Gertie.

Well, at least Claire in her speech did what Jodie Foster failed to do at the Globs; she came out as a man, though it seemed to be news to her too.

Two observations about the Dead Actors and Dead Female Actors montage: 1. Relax. I was not in it again this year. 2. Did Jack Soo die again? I could have sworn he had died already, back in 1979, but there he was in the Dead Female Actors and Male Actresses Montage. We loved Jack so much it was hard enough having him die just the once. It seems mean to him and to us to make him die twice.

It takes a teensy bit of the sting out of the death of rightly beloved Larry Hagman to know that, starting tonight, we get one last run of new Dallas episodes with him. Larry was a lovely, funny, agreeably weird, genuinely eccentric guy, and the memory of my making him roar with laughter on one occasion about 4 years ago pleases me greatly. How wonderful that the Dallas revival came along just in time to enable Larry to go out back on top again. But now the son of Peter Pan has flown away for good, and Dallas is our new Neverland.

What is the point of being a Show Biz Immortal if you can still just die, like lesser people? You know, like you.

In the nominees clips for Best Multi-Gender Thespian Troupe on a TV Drama or High School Play, whoever chose to put a clip of the guy in the Breaking Bad drug-scumballs’ and lowlifes’ dinner scene describing eating microwaved lasagna as being like "eating scabs" where it would be instantly followed by a scene of over-civilized snooty posh folks having a formal dinner at Downton Abbey deserves a raise. (Mind you, I had just finished consuming some lasagna I had reheated in my microwave not ten minutes earlier, so thanks for almost giving my viewing snack a winter repeat. Fortunately, I developed a taste for eating scabs many years back during a particularly long actor’s strike.) Since the scene from Boardwalk Empire was also of people talking around a table while they ate and drank, when we got to the Homeland clip, I was mildly disappointed that it wasn’t a dinner scene also. How nice it would have been if all the clips were dinner scenes.

Sigourney Weaver doesn’t seem to know how to remove a slip of paper from an envelope. Does she not get any fan mail ever, or does she palm it all off on an underling to open, read and discard?

Wait! They let the housekeeper make the acceptance speech for Downton Abbey? Shouldn’t it be one of the toffs? It seems someone has forgotten her place. Next she’ll want the vote! Harumph!

Helen Mirrin was nominated for playing Lady Alma Reville Hitchcock? Look, I love Helen and all, but I met Alma. She was a hobbit. She must have been a full foot shorter than Helen. And then there’s the fact that Mirrin is so beautiful that even in her ‘60s, she’s still sexy and stunning. Alma was, well, ah, she was very, very talented, and very, very brilliant, and very, very accomplished - and homelier than a bulldog with pink eye.

Don't you wish the Hitchcocks had made a sex tape together? That would be scary!

So Daniel Day Lewis won Best Actress in a Male Role for playing the guy on the money. Frankly, the role of General Grant is worth ten times what the role of Lincoln is worth. Let’s face it; a robot could play Lincoln. For a moment there I thought Lewis was going to thank John Wilkes Booth. (Did Booth’s agent get 10% of the blame for the assassination?)

Abe was our first Republican president, and our last good Republican president. Mayhaps then it is fitting that he achieved the greatest ambition of all Republicans; he became money! Little Dougie's father used sometimes to complain: "I'm not made of money, you know." Well Lincoln is these days.

So although no individual actorette of any gender in Argo was deemed worthy of an award, nonetheless, they won the Whole Bunch of Thespians in One Flick award? Apparently, the players in Argo all suck individually, but together they’re great. Okay. The real message here seemed to be: everyone else in Lincoln besides Daniel Day Lewis and Tommy Lee Jones is lame. I guess you need three names to win for that movie. If only she were Sally Tyler Field. They’d have given the ensemble award to Les Misérables if only it hadn’t been for Russell Crow’s "singing." There's no way to announce the award as going to "The cast of Les Misérables, except for Russell Crow."

Notice how in an award show entirely controlled by actors, no one gets played off? And let me just add ... [Music begins playing my theme song, Heat Crazed] ... that I could never have written this column... [Music gets louder] ... without the help of Little Dougie and ... [Music becomes deafening] ... Oh fuck it! Cheers, darlings.

Comments Policy Change.

I HATE being strict! I'm usually "Miss Take-Liberties."

I have had to disallow anonymous comments on my comments pages. Some anonymous coward has taken to leaving gratuitous, and worse, inaccurate, insults and not signing them.

This coward criticized Little Dougie's hair, accusing him of having a Donald Trump combover. This is absurd. Dougie is not the best  looking he's ever been at his advanced and dessicated age, but the one thing he still has is all of his actual hair. This is like criticizing President Obama for being "a fat ugly woman." There are plenty of instultable targets on Little Dougie, but his hair is just not among them. The insulter was far more on target when he opened with calling him an "OLD queer hipster." Well, he IS old, 62 to be precise, and he is homosexual, though proudly. It's not actually something he's ashamed of. But "hipster"? What? Is he Maynard G. Krebs? A genuine hipster would laugh in Anonymous Coward's face. Actually, the fact that Anonymous Coward actually used the word "hipster" shows that he or she (But I'll bet it's a "he") is pretty friggin' ancient his or herself. But when you use "queer" as an insult, all you're showing is that you're a homophobic bigot, and you have won the Low Ground. Well, we've established that Anonymous Coward is an elderly homophobic, ageist, hairist, bigot and coward. Little Dougie is stung to the quick.)

So I'm sorry, but anonymous posting is no langer allowed. If you want to leave a comment and don't have a Blogspot account, you'll have to open one. They're free, and you are not requried to start your own blog to have one, but no more anonymous cowards spewing insults from behind their chickenshit anonymity. Sign your insults or fuck off, and I mean that in the nicest way.

Cheers, darlings.

A recent shot of Little Dougie. The hair is real.

Post-Golden Globes Addendum re: Jodie Foster.

I 100% agree with Wilson Cruz's remarks on Jodie Foster's speech at the Golden Globes: "The part that pisses me off is that she got up there and mocked the risk all of the other people who came out while she was hiding for decades and made it possible for her to get up there and act as if it was a non issue. It's a non-issue because people risked their careers and yes, their lives, to make it so. So, on behalf of all those people, Jodie, you're welcome, and Fuck you."

Cheers, darlings, except for Jodie, who can rot with her evil pal Mel Gibson.

Gobs of Globes

Without doubt, the most phallic of all show biz awards. They should call them the Golden Dongs.

Ah the Golden Globs, the award show where you can drink throughout the whole show and buy an award. It was three hours that flew like ten.

First off, having Al Roker on the red carpet right after the clip of his confessing to pooping his pants, what Joel McHale called a "shart," ran on The Soup, Letterman, The Daily Show and probably other programs I missed, was an unfortunate choice. One kept wondering if it would become a brown carpet at any moment, and you’d think any entering celebrity wouldn’t want to get to near him. "What’s that smell? Is it Gangster Squad, or just Al Roker having another incontinent moment?" I just hope he doesn’t have Incontinental Drift. Maybe he could host Shart Week, or an odious game show like Card Sharts.

Tina and Amy are comedy goddesses. On the other hand, before Ricky Gervais ever hosted, I was pitching for him to host because I felt he was brilliantly funny. Well, that’s all over with. I don’t want that happening again with Amy and Tina. Girls, stay funny. Don’t become smug and sour like Ricky has.

"Mandy Patinkin is also a treasure of American musical theater." Who wrote that line? Mandy? How about we make the Great Over-Actor and Over-Singer a BURIED treasure, and then lose the map to him?

You know, Christoph Waltz is such a good actor and such an engaging person, I almost didn’t mind that his winning an award meant an award to a Tarantino film, even though I loathe Tarantino and his entire output.

Well of course Maggie Smith won; she’s a goddess of acting. Why did the other nominees even bother to show up? Maggie didn’t. She probably told them she had to wash her hair. "The Golden Globs? Call me when it’s a real award."

Maggie Smith in Downton Hogwarts

So Michael J. Fox’s son Dan, who looks like he might be about old enough to get his learner’s permit later this year, or maybe next year, is a "Philanthropist"? Really? What is the source of his fortune? Where is Dan Fox Hall, or the Dan Fox Library? You know, giving your lunch money to schoolyard bullies doesn’t make you a "Philanthropist."

Clint Eastwood’s daughter, eh? Is this the loony one who torches $100,000 dollar purses? (Speaking of loony, the mere fact that there IS such a thing as a $100,000 purse is pretty darn loony.) Will she be setting fire to the lady winners’ gowns? Will she be presenting Golden Globs to empty chairs? (At the Eastwood residence, the song from Les Misérables, Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, is considered a song about a packed house.)

I’d love to have seen the look on Sarah Palin’s face when the movie about what a, nasty, evil, and stupid boob she is won Best TV Movie. Well of course Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. She was much more convincing in the role than the real Sarah Palin was.

How does Catherine Zita-Jones-Douglas-Zack-Duncan keep getting more beautiful? I figured she was married to that old guy because she would always look young when standing next to him. I can certainly think of no other reason. It’s not like he was sexy even when he was young, early last century. But he wasn’t standing next to her while she introduced a 2-second clip of Les Miz, and yet she was still incredibly gorgeous. She looked so great, I’m amazed people weren’t mistaking her for me. (Well, she is a brunette whereas I am a natural Platinum blond.)

Amy Poehler was one inch of doublestick tape away from showing us her Golden Globs, though no one seemed to be complaining about it.

The elderly lesbian who was President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association thinks it’s an "Honor" to hold that post. Well, English is clearly not her first language; maybe she needs to look up the meaning of the word "Honor."

Apparently Paul Rudd can not speak without a prompter.




Paul is willing to let you play with his Golden Globes, when my turn ends, so don't hold your breath.


When you give an award to Homeland, the terrorists win.

Do they ever waterboard Mandy Patinkin on Homeland? If so, I may have to catch it.

The sight of Robert Downey Jr. kissing Mel Gibson made me vomit. Didn’t Robert get the memo that Gibson is anathema? Didn’t his agent ever tell him: "Never be seen on national TV kissing any notorious homophobes or anti-Semites or drunken crazy wife/girlfriend abusers, let alone kissing someone known to everyone to be all of the above and worse"?

When they introduced "Tony Mendez," I was expecting the Cuban cue card guy from Letterman to walk out. Instead it was some elderly CIA spook who sure looks NOTHING like Ben Affleck. (Ben was looking great though. The beard is flattering, not that a man as gorgeous as Ben Affleck needs to wear a beard - or anything at all!)

The Tony Mendez who is not an American hero, and who has never been played by Ben Affleck.

Not only was "Tony Mendez" not Letterman’s cue card guy, but he seemed to have trouble even reading cue cards. He’s not an actor, I know. But he was a spy, and acting is life and death for spies. Sir Christopher Lee, a GREAT actor, was also a real, behind-enemy-lines, spy in World War II (For our side; he only pretends to be evil in movies. He’s actually a very good man; he’s just a very bad wizard) has this to say in his autobiography, Lord of Misrule, about his experiences as a spy (His actual spy adventures themselves are still classified): "As the new spy, I found myself like an actor taking on a part in a long-running play, except that here, the actors were obliged for their lives to depend on me."

Sir Christopher Lee's Scaramanga, aka, The Man With the Golden Globe - ah - Gun was the most cheerful Bond villain.

Given that he was a real, genuine spy, and a war hero, I wonder how he kept a straight face on the set of The Man With the Golden Gun, watching Roger Moore, the lamest of all James Bonds, going through his pathetic paces. Come to think of it, his Scaramanga does grin a lot.


Spy vs Spy


What was Jennifer Lopez’s dress made of? Doilies?

Now that she's "left by mutual agreement" American Idol (Show Biz jargon for "Fired"), her next project will be a sitcom called The Slutty Nun.

Wasn’t it nice of Adele to class up the night by talking about how she and her friend had been "pissing ourselves," as they watched the show. She’s lucky they didn’t make her go sit at Al Roker’s table. She’s also lucky that she doesn’t sing with that accent. Apparently, pronouncing ALL the consonants in her words is too much effort.

Wait. They gave an ACTING award to Kevin Costner? Kevin is one of the most boring actors ever to sustain an inexplicable career. Did he say anything amusing? As always, he opened his mouth to speak and I dropped off to sleep.


The super-excitng, Oscar and Golden Glob-winning, superstar Kevin Cost--- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

When they introduced Bill Clinton, I half-expected that that Eastwood girl was just going to wheel out an empty chair.

Bill being "Presidential."

I was amused that they had a Democratic president introduce the clip from a movie about a Republican president. Imagine if George Bush were doing it: "Heh, heh, heh. I love this Lincoln guy. Only in Amurica could a Disneyland robot be The Decider. I remember when Daddy took us to Disneyland when I was a teenager. The robot stood up and I said: "Dada, it’s that guy on the money! Lincoln was a great robot, who rose in power from a mere penny to a whole damn fiver. Though I have to say I liked the Teacups better, 'specially when I was drunk and coked up. So what’s this Lincoln movie about anyway? Hey, Roker, you’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie. Heh, heh, heh."

I think Spielberg's decision to cut Lincoln's nude scene was wise. Who can forget that final scene, when the robot John Wilkes Booth sneaks into Lincoln's theater box and unplugs him? "Sic Semper Robotus!"

So was Tina Fey in male drag and mustache to keep Clinton from hitting on her? Amy’s "That was Hilary Clinton’s husband," was funny, though she should have added: "He’s actually had his penis inside Hilary - among others."

Tina does not make for a hot male, although maybe a better hairstyle would help.

So they follow a former president with two of SNL’s best alumni introducing two of SNL’s most-annoying alumni.

You know, I love Hugh Jackman so much that the sight of him laughing hard at terminally unfunny Will Farrell and excruciatingly annoying Kristin Wiig’s tedious bit did not make me lose all respect for him. My esteem for him took only a very tiny, momentary dip. I thought: "Hugh’s had to suffer through Russell Crow’s ‘Singing’ in person, and repeatedly, take after take, so he’s suffered enough."



A scene from Les X-érables.


So Sarah Lawrence beat out Maggie Smith and Meryl Streep? Hell of an achievement. Who is she? I’ll give her this, she was genuinely funny, considerably funnier than Ferrell and Wiig.

Is John Krasinski even remotely aware of how dishy he is? He just keeps getting hotter, the more so for his seeming unawareness of it.

You know, the big song, I Dreamed a Dream, that Anne Hathaway did in one long take, and which won her this award and has her the favorite to take the Oscar too, is knocking people out for her emotional, rip-your-heart-out, acting performance. But playing it as she walked up, just sound, so it’s just music, what you hear is an out-of-control vibrato, massive pitchiness, and an inability to sustain a note. It works as acting, but as music to listen to out-of-context, it just becomes bad singing. I may end up loving the film when I see it, but I don’t expect I’ll be buying the soundtrack album.

Still, Hathaway’s rendition of it is preferable to the dozens of gay twinks I’ve heard sing it in gay piano bars over the years, often musically perfect, but grinning joyously ear-to-ear as they sing about how their life was totally screwed, tone deaf to the song’s emotional content. I’m not joking. Imagine a twenty-something guy with a broad look of sheer joy on his face as he belts out "I had a dream my life would be so different from this Hell I’m living." I don’t have to imagine it; I’ve seen it, repeatedly.

Quentin Tarantino won for screenplay? Ew. I had to fast-forward through his speech. I just can not bear him. At least the writer of the Torture Works movie lost.

You're only encouragng this creep. Plus, he thinks it's a vibrator.

Nice to see NO standing ovation for Stallone and that Nazi-spawn walking turd, Ex-Governor Shitzenegger. Indeed, the house barely seemed to applaud them. Tarantino followed almost immediately by Stallone and Shitzenegger. Well, the money I spent on my dinner was now totally wasted.

It’s nice that they found each other so friggin’ funny, because I sure didn’t. I think I’d have even preferred a return of Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig to marble mouth and the vile Austrian anus. (And isn’t Stallone aging horribly? Doesn’t he realize the facelifts only make him look ever more grotesque? He just gets uglier and uglier. At least Shitzenegger was always ugly.)

Did they colorize Kon-Tiki? I’m fairly certain it was in black and white when I saw it back in 1960. (And it was 10 years old then.)

People seem to think Thor Heyerdahl and I are related or something, because all my life men have greeted me with cheerful cries of "Hi yer, doll!"

So did Amour actually win, or did Shitzenegger just lie to give the award to a fellow Austrian? After all, lying is all he knows how to do. (He certainly never learned acting - or governance.) If you ask him what time it is and he says "Eweven o’cwock," it’s probably 3:30.

Nice to be reminded that Sacha Baron Cohen can still actually be funny. He was so annoying in Hugo, and so not-funny in The Dictator, I was beginning to forget that Borat had made me laugh harder than almost anything else I’ve ever seen.

Speaking of funny, Aziz Ansari was hilarious. "I can’t feel my ears" may have been the funniest line of the evening in context. (Am I weird for thinking he’s kind of cute?)

Was that guy Lena Dunham hugged on her way up to get her award the nerdishly adorable guy in Fun? You know, Jack Antonoff.

Jack Antonoff? Well, I really don't know Anton well enough.

Robert Downey Jr’s line: "The Cecil B. DeMille Award says every bit as much about the presenter as it does the recipient," made me laugh so hard I almost forgave him for kissing Mel Gibson – but only "almost."

Oh dear. The tribute to Jodie Foster. Uck. Look, Jodie is a pretty good actress, clearly intelligent and educated. I ought to respect and admire her. Why don’t I? Well, first off, she needs to reign in her giant ego. Secondly, she needs, really, really needs, to stop hanging out with and butt-kissing that walking turd, that vile piece of garbage, Mel Shitbrain Gibson. And finally, she needs actually to come out. Her jokey near-come out bit, which depended for its alleged "humor" on the fact that everyone there and across America already knows she’s a Lesbian, was offensive. To take the courageous public coming outs of braver performers than she, like Neal Patrick Harris, John Barrowman, Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen Degeneris, Greg Louganis, Ricky Martin, Dan Butler, Richard Chamberlin, Chris Colfer, Rupert Everett (Who shares little Dougie’s and my birthday), Jessie Tyler Ferguson, Harvey Fierstein, Malcolm Gets, John Glover, Zachary Quinto, Cheyenne Jackson, Sir Ian McKellan, Sir Derek Jacobi, T.R, Knight, Leslie Jordan, Adam Lambert, Nathan Lane, Matt Lucas, David Hyde Pierce, George Takai, BD Wong, Graham Chapman, David Ogden Stiers, Roger Rees, Graham Norton, Simon Callow, and Jim Parsons, and then equate them to Honey Boo Boo was mind-bogglingly offensive and insulting to all these people whose asses she is not worthy to wash. Jodie Foster, you coward, go away. Go play with that vile piece of garbage - HOMOPHOBIC garbage - Mel Gibson.

The younger, prettier Mel Gibson looks back to the future to the days when his inner ugliness finds its way to the surface So he's revolting now outside and in.

I’ll tell you what did give me pride and hope and tears: my first draft of that list of openly gay performers was FOUR TIMES AS LONG!!! They are the brave ones. Jodie is the smug, self-satisfied coward, hanging with that asshole Gibson.

Oh well, the cowardly bitch looked great. Lovely exterior, revolting interior.

I don’t know if Ben Affleck was actually the Best Director of those nominees, but he sure was the Best Looking Director. And I think his beard looks great also.



Big Ben apparently does great work behind the camera. He certainly works well in front of it.


Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno’s bit was funny, which is odd since Jay Leno was in it. (30 years ago, I thought Jay a very, very funny man, and admired him offstage as well as on. I knew him slightly in those days. These days, not so much. He’s been pandering to the lowest common denominator, and kissing the asses of the right-wing - He did more than anyone to gift us with Governor Shtizenegger - for the better part of two decades now, and my respect for him has drained away.)

Notice how Christian Bale’s mere presence can suck all the life out of a room? He’s talented, but ... Well, baleful. He's still more morose, grouchy Batman than charming-man-about-town Bruce Wayne.

Ben Affleck had his beard finish his speech for him two awards later. That’s a new strategy.

My Godless, Bill Murray looked like he’d been in a fist-fight in the parking lot. Bill darling, I admire the heck out of you. You’re incredibly talented and hilarious with, it seems, a still-expanding range, and I know you like to play with your crafted image as a gifted eccentric, but really. You knew you were going to be on TV. At least wash your face, and maybe 30 seconds with a hairbrush would not be a waste either.

Was there an award for Best Looking Actor in the World? No? Well then, Hugh Jackman should get a second award, but I loved that he won what he did. He won my heart some time back.

They made Hugh Jackman AUDITION to play Jean Valjean? Why? The instant I first heard that Hugh had been cast in that role I said: "Of course! Perfect! Ideal casting! Born to the role!" Colm Wilkinson, whom I saw play it on Broadway 25 years ago, is now too old for the part, but they could not do better than Hugh. His whole career has been an audition for that role. Did they audition Russell Crowe? If so, why is he in the movie? They should have said to him: "Thank you for coming in, Mr. Crowe. NEXT!"

In his speech Hugh said: "A lot of you know my wife" (Is that "Know" in the Biblical sense?) "She’s the greatest woman in the world."

OH MY DOG! I’M MRS. HUGH JACKMAN!!!

My newest husband. If you think you're surprised, think how surprised I was! Let's get this stupid awards show over so Huge and I can get to the honemoon.

You know this is not the first, nor the second, nor even the seventh time I’ve woken up and found I’d acquired a new husband during a blackout, but of all my surprise husbands, Hugh is definitely the best! My drunken haze taste is improving. So when do we get to the honeymoon, darling? I’ll show you a Lay Misérable you’ll never forget.

Hugh’s little dig at Ben Affleck for having his beard finish his speech later was a lovely ad lib. Good grief, he’s a fine actor, a wonderful singer, idiotically over-handsome, sex on toast, kind, considerate, decorative, hyper-charming, humble (Ever tried that, Jodie? I mean genuine humbleness, not a fake display of false modesty) willing to tell a polite lie to spare someone’s feelings (He thanked Russell Crowe after all, I assume for not succeeding in totally sinking the movie), and now it turns out he can also be funny and witty off-the-cuff! Does Hugh Jackman have any flaws at all? Even one tiny one? Tell me he leaves the cap off the tooth paste or the toilet seat up, anything. I’m grasping for at least one flaw, just to make him human.

Well, if they’re going to blank out Jeremy Renner’s off-the-cuff foul language, they need to be faster on the button. "Shit" sailed through clear as a bell before the sound went silent. Al Roker probably thought Renner was giving him a direction and immediately befouled the Press Room. Basically, Renner had a verbal shart.



Is his name "Renner" or "Rimmer"?

Dustin Hoffman worked a plug for the movie he’s directed into his reading of nominees. That’s a real, old-time Hollywood pro for you, always flogging the product. Dustin was on Letterman quite recently to plug Quartet. He described the film in a manner that made it sound deadly dull. He realized this and tried back-pedaling, assuring the audience that it was not deadly dull or stultifyingly boring. Then he ran a clip from it that not only was deadly dull, but actually managed the rare achievement of being a gigantic snooze despite Maggie Smith being in the clip! Do you know how hard it is to make Maggie Smith boring? That takes work. (Dustin, directing his first movie at age 75, must be the oldest first-time movie director ever.)

When Les Misérables won Best Comedy (When I think "Comedy," I think Les Misérables), Musical or Flea Circus, I thought, Jeeze, it’s the 1987 Tony Awards all over again. (And then I began singing along with the cast.)

To the producer of Les Miz who was surprised to find he was being played off "already": First off, you had Anne Hathaway taking some of your time to continue her speech (A new awards show trend: serialized acceptance speeches), and then, I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you speak REALLY sloooooooowly. Did you listen to Ben Affleck race through his speech? That’s how you say a lot in a short amount of time.

(And Anne, I know you’re excited and all, but taking your producer’s time to extend your own personal time in the spotlight is about as rudely self-involved a blunder as you could commit. "Yes, our movie won, but let’s listen to ME some more! I haven't thanked my plumber yet, or my fifth grade teacher.")

Jessica Chastain is such a fine actress that I was ok with her win, even if it meant an award going to the Hurray For Torture movie.

Now I’ve seen everything. The band actually had the gall to play off Abraham Lincoln! Oh well, better than shooting him.

Well, they often say that the Golden Globs are predictors of The Oscars. Not this year. The Best Director winner isn’t even nominated for the Oscar, and this also means that Argo hasn’t got a prayer of winning Best Picture. So will Les Miz take Best Picture next month? Will they do a sequel to Lincoln, like Lincoln II, The Reconstruction - "This time it’s personal!" or Lincoln: The Man, The Robot, The Car, The Penny! BTW, there is almost no truth the rumor that Abe Lincoln's body, before being placed into his coffin, was wrapped in a giant bank penny wrapper.

If I have a major complaint about the program it’s that there wasn’t enough of Tina and Amy. But then, is there ever? Cheers darlings.

Ben before he got plump and covered his shoulders with ugly tattoos. Why would you tattoo such a lovely body? Talk about "Gilding the lily."

"It's an Honor Just to be Nominated." Or Is It?



The Oscar nominations were announced this morning. As usual, I was snubbed. Their pathetic excuse was that I haven't been in a movie since 1969. That might hold water except that they never nominated me when I was making films, so that's just a dodge. At least this year, I'm in good company with other snubees like Kathryn Bigelowe and Ben Affleck. "Yes, we're nominating Argo for Best Picture, but as for its acclaimed director; argo fuck yourself, Affleck," said the Academy.

Having 97 Best Picture nominations is a pretty meaningless waste of time, especially with still only 5 Best Director nominees. It's like those schools that pass everyone, and only give out "A"s, so no kid ever feels inferior. Result? They learn nothing and end up being actually inferior, as well as not learning how to cope with failure. When did "Self-Esteem" become more important than actually learning stuff in school? What is this? Texas? 

Face it, Ben and Kathryn, if they didn't nominate the director, then they have no intention of giving your movie any awards. This year Zero Dark Thirty, or as we like to call it, the "Hurray for Torture" movie, will win squat.

Frankly, it would save time just to list the films NOT nominated for Best Picture, which is pretty much just Hitchcock, Skyfall and The Hobbit, which are almost the only movies I saw in theaters this year. Well, I did also see Dark Shadows, and the RSC production of Frankenstein with Benedict Cumberbatch, and I mean to catch Les Misérables, because I LOVE the stage musical of it. Plus, I'll gladly spend three hours staring at Hugh Jackman doing almost anything.

Denzel, Bradley and Joaquin, don't worry about your speeches. This is a two-horse race: Hugh Jackman and Daniel Day-Lewis. Go Hugh!



I know who has my vote!

Django Unchained for Best Picture? Really? Oh well. That gore-loving hack Tarantino was not nominated for Best Director, so it's not going to win anything. Tarantino, in all of his trashy, overpraised films, wallows in ugliness for its own sake. And for the merchandising of his new comedy violence-porn trash flick, he's outdone himself. Toy slaves for your kiddies to play with! Now Tarantino has an excuse; he's a hackish dweeb who thinks he's cool when he's actually clueless, but what is Harvey Weinstein's excuse?



Toy Slaves! Be sure also to get Barbie's Malibu Dream Plantation and Slave Quarters. Collect and flog the entire set. (Soon to include toy attack dogs to rip your slave dolls apart.)

Lincoln was nominated for "Best Adapted Screenplay." Excuse me, but what is it "adapted" from? Yes, they used historical sources, and that book by that Goodwin woman who thinks of Disney's robot Lincoln as a high-tech sextoy, but Lincoln is an ORIGINAL screenplay by Tony Kushner. Why is it nominated for "Adapted Screenplay"? From the title, it sounds like it's adapted from Lincoln by Gore Vidal, a great novel (the only kind Gore wrote) that was already adapted (As "Gore Vidal's Lincoln") with Mary Tyler Moore as Mary Tyler Lincoln and Sam Waterston as the robot.

And just why wasn't Tallyho, Tallulah! nominated for Best Original Novel by a Movie Star? Unlike Lincoln, you don't know how it ends before it even starts.

Quvenzhané Wallis is nominated for Best Actress. Quite apart from the silliness of thinking a 9 year old child can take Best Actress from Jessica Chastain, the fact is that a presenter on opening the envelope and seeing the name "Quvenzhané Wallis," will probably just announce "Naomi Watts" rather than struggle on live TV trying to figure out how to pronounce "Quvenzhané." (Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wallis, what was wrong with "Donna" or "Mary" or "Jane" or "Tallulah," nice, easy-to-pronounce, normal girl names? Names people can say.)

Best Supporting Actor is one of the most talent-packed categories I've ever seen: Alan Arkin, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, Tommy Lee Jones and Christoph Waltz. ALL FIVE of them already have Oscars! Who can choose between them? All are great actors, and none of them are very shaggable anymore. (And Hoffman never was.)

Hitchcock received only one nomination (and that one was a stretch), for Best Make-Up. Basically, they were nominated for giving Sir Anthony Hopkins an additional chin. Don't hold your breath waiting for it to beat out The Hobbit for that award. In any event, it sure wasn't going to win Best Adapted Screenplay.

Kon-Tiki was nominated for Best Foreign Language film? But it was made in 1950! Why is it only nominated now, 63 years later? Who remakes documentaries anyway?

Not surprisingly, there was no Best Song nomination for Lincoln. The Battle Hymn of the Republic was a pre-existing tune, and the title song from Our American Cousin just isn't all that catchy. Maybe if Adele had sung it...

Anyway, I'll have much more to say on the Oscars after the Oscarcast next month.

Oh, and today would have been the 74th birthday of Sal Mineo, if only that scumbucket mugger hadn't murdered him 37 years ago. The bloom would be off his youthful beauty by now, but I wish we all had gotten to know how he would look at 74.

Sal Mineo in his Oscar-nominated performance for Exodus. This beautiful man could have made me go on an exodus to where ever he was.

Cheers, darlings.