|"The road goes ever on and on,|
Down from my door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone,
And I must follow if I can."
Anyway, I really loved it. At the end of the three hours, I wanted three more hours.
Did you know I was in The Lord of the Rings? I was, but I was cut from the theatrical release version, and from the extended DVD edition, and from the still-upcoming, super-extended, hyper-long, extra-inclusive Red, White and Blu-Ray DVD version which is 24 hours long. "I just have no room to shove you in." Peter told me, although that's not what I said to him on a certain moonlit night in Aukland, when Peter fell prey to my charms, and I to his. Hobbit sex can be wild!
|"Tallulah Morehead" in Tolkien's Elvish writing.|
I was originally cast as Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ, the elvin camp-follower. I am appointed by Elrond (Played by the same actor who impersonated me in his drag act in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. He worshipped me!) to accompany the Fellowship of the Ring, assisting the fellows with their Male Needs along the road. Here I am seen accepting the charge of the Ring-Bearer. (Everybody on the set talked this way.)
|Speaking of rings, I think at one time or another I was married to every one of these guys.|
So in the original cut that no one ever saw (Except one film editor, who begged for the boon of being blinded afterwards. After seeing my performance, he preferred losing his eyes, to their ever seeing lesser sights. The tributes a star receives are strange indeed. I sent him a sweet note on an autographed picture, but he never wrote back), I am the tenth member of the fellowship, with tender scenes of relieving each member's member, easing their burdens by taking their loads from them at the end of each day, caressing Gandalf's magic staff (You could probe a Balrog with that rod! Look at the all the virgin boys at their computers, reading that, and typing "LOL, LOL" instead of laughing), restoring Aragorn's "Broken" sword, role-playing as Legolas's personal quiver, being probed for information by the Horn of Boromir, and two minutes each for three of the hobbits, and then half an hour for Sam Gamgee. Little Sean is a plump hottie.
|Well, the Moria, the merrier.|
"What about Gimli the Dwarf?" a few of you virgin fanboys with no life ask. Please! Do I look desperate enough to have sex with a dwarf? I'm only 115, not 1115. Remember the dialogue in the extended DVD version of The Two Towers, when Gimli admits that dwarf women look exactly like dwarf men, and Aragorn adds "It's the beards."? Get a clue boys; Gimli is a GIRL! Frankly, when I order a gimlet, I expect something a lot more appetizing to be delivered than John Rhys-Davies on his knees. Besides, I was playing an elf. Elves loathe dwarves!
However, I may break my rule for Kili in The Hobbit. Hubba! Hubba! Look at those eyes!
|Neither Grumpy nor Dopey ever had me mentally undressing them, especially in 48 fps and 3-D. Kili, you slay me! |
You should see him when he's using the power of The One Cockring.
|I hope this picture of Kili is a still from part 2 or 3, because THIS would fully justify 48 fps 3-D!|
And while Kili was the hottest dwarf, he wasn't the only hot dwarf. Richard Amitage's Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, was pretty tasty too. He was certainly a hell of lot different than Hans Conried was in the role back in the 1977 Rankin-Bass animated version of The Hobbit.
|Oh Thorin, you slay me.|
|So much trouble just to lose some bling.|
|"The Tallugonath." Peter Jackson had my giant statues at the entrance to Gondor CGI'd out. So petty. This is what is called a "Big star."|
Meanwhile a sort of dishy British actor named Andy Sirkis began giving me odd looks on the lot, and avoiding me off set. What was his problem, I ask you? Sure he's cute, but I never really even met him. Why does he act like three of my ex-husbands? If he were gay, instead of a husband and father, I'd be certain he is an ex-husband of mine. Might he be one of my handful of straight ex-husbands? Andy? Were we ever married?
And then Gollum, my Gollum, vanished. It was like he dropped off a cliff into a volcano. (He always was a loner.) Gollum, Where are you? I pine for you. I weep unnumbered tears. Sméagol, you are forever my one, my true --- Precious! Your Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ waits ever, yearning for you, as I sail on to Valinor.
But here he was back on the screen in 3-D, having his precious ring stolen by Dr. Watson. Will Sherlock Holmes still solve "The Case of the Missing Ring of Power" when he realizes it was Watson who stole it? Gollum and Watson's scene together near the end of the film is one of the highlights, which is ironic since it's set in a dark cave.
|JRR and I, a match made in Beleriand.|