Saturday, September 3, 2011

Shedding Shelly.

"You're good. You're first class, Geoff. You'd sell John out to me, or me to John, or.. . you can tell me... have you found some way of selling everyone to everybody?"

"Not yet, Mummy, but I'm working on it."
- Eleanor of Aquitaine & her son, Prince Geoffrey in The Lion in Winter, by John Goldman.
We were never going to be rid of Voldebitch this week, as her win of the POV seems all but fated, so let us instead, look at what did happen, the longed-for, almost Shakespearean fall of Leatherface the Deceitful, into the soured Guacamole of the Outside world. Avocado get on with it.

It began before The Beginning, in the fight I mentioned last week as hoping to be included  this week. Well it was, and what an explosion it was, particularly since I don't really get what it's actually about. As near as I could tell, Homophobic Asshole was enraged to learn that Leatherface treated him exactly the same way she treats everybody else. Turned out she was not an extension of his own body, the way Jordumb is, but a separate human being playing to win the game for herself. As far as I could make out, this was news to H.A.

Was Leatherface Shelleying Homophobic Asshole? Of course, exactly the same way she had Shellyed each and every single person in the house. She was a snake from Day One. It never occurred to H.A. that she was a two-way street. It is because Jordumb is a cul-de-sac?

But it began with Voldebitch, The Source of All Evil on Earth. She went off to confront Homophobic Asshole over throwing the "Cornhole" competition which ultimately led to Bukie's ouster, since that would be somebody coming between her and her sac-free man, and nobody does that except online, or when working special parties in Vegas for visiting German businessmen or French diplomats. Of course, what she was really doing was tattling on Leatherface, directing House Hatred away from herself and onto Naugahydepuss.

Voldebitch: "Shelly told me that you threw the cornhole competition."

Homophobic Asshole (while brushing his teeth): "Where'd you hear that from?"

Say Good night, Gracie.

Voldebitch: "It's Brendan. He's my fiance." Thanks for the reminder. It had slipped my mind.

Homophobic Asshole: "Okay, so what are you talking to me for?"

Voldebitch: "I'm not."

I played that exchange back over and over, each time more amazed by Voldebitch, in a one-on-one conversation with H.A., when there was no one else present, actually denying to him that she was talking to him. She had to talk to him to say she was not talking to him. It's flat-out denial of Reality. She's certifiably insane. And she's whining.

Kalia noticed that Leatherface was Shellying them weeks ago, but overlooked it, as someone who at least acts like her ally is better than no ally at all. I've been waiting and waiting for someone to notice that they'd been Shellyed by Leatherface and turn on "Mom" and finally, Homophobic Asshole did. Feeling secure as HOH, he lit into her, little knowing that the house power was two hours away from shifting 180 degrees, and he was three hours away from Exit Interviews.

Leatherface wanted to know who had Shellyed her about her Shellying other people, and fastened on Knobby. Knobby is a  House Elf, a slave race. Knobby exists only to serve the Houseguests. Knobby would never try to kill Leatherface. Knobby only meant to maim or seriously injure. In any event, it wasn't Knobby. That would be making a move, and Knobby doesn't make moves. Knobby eats bacon. A few months ago, Knobby weighed over 300 pounds. Knobby needs to protect what's left of Knobby's heart. This means no exertion or game play. Only bacon.

And anyway, it was Voldebitch who showed Leatherface what being Shellyed felt like.

Homophobic Asshole went to Knobby next. Knobby loves H.A. Knobby thinks about H.A.'s biceps and abs when Knobby is alone at night, touching Knobby's knob inappropriately. (Not that I can think of an appropriate way to touch any part of Knobby at all.) Knobby makes dolls of Jordumb and sticks pins in them. Knobby immediately Shellys on Leatherface to Homophobic Asshole. Leatherface, seeing them go into a room together, and suspecting Knobby of Shelleying her out, barged right in and got in their faces.

Leatherface: "I have done nothing but be a horse." Of course, of course. And this one will talk till her voice is horse. That is, of course, unless this horse, is the amazing Leatherface! Go right to the source, and ask this horse. She'll give you the answer that you endorse. But, all told, that was a mean thing to say about horses.

Incidentally, Bukie's done nothing but be hung like a horse. (I saw his online photo. Impressive.)

Leatherface tried to calm things down by pouring a lot of verbal kerosene around, at one point trying to throw people under buses as they were standing beside her and she was telling the tossee that she was throwing the other one under the bus, who was also standing beside her. She was trying to Shelly everyone at once when they were all together. She was flailing. It was hilarious.

She barged into a room where H.A., Knobby, and Jordumb had just asked Queen Kalia to take a hike so they could plot, and turned that conference into an inferno also.

Her big reveal in that room was "Everyone's talking about you guys getting to the end and no one having a chance." This is, or should be, self-evident.

Jordumb: "I am shocked."

Homophobic Asshole is also dumbfounded to learn that there are people in the house playing to win it for themselves, and not on Team Jorff. He is not merely angry; he is morally outraged that someone would dare to play selfishly to win it themselves, instead of doing The Right Thing, and play for him to win.

As the fight loudly raged on, Edsel and Voldebitch listened at a safe distance, Voldebitch delighted with all the drama she'd stirred up without getting any splashback from it herself.

Homophobic Asshole: "You ride the fence too close, you're gonna get burned." This is another line I played back repeatedly, to be sure my ears hadn't revolted on me. The three or four metaphors mixed into that sentence like the contents of a verbal Smoothie have robbed it of any meaning.

Leatherface: "I'm as scared as a cat on a hot tin roof at this point." Actually, that metaphor as used by the divine Mr. Williams, was not about fear. It was about a dilemma: a cat on a hot tin roof has to jump off, but can't because the roof is too high. Leatherface should relate well to the play: it's all about Mendacity, her stock-in-trade. (Many years ago I was in Mr. Williams's only musical: Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof. We were a smash. I was smashed the whole time, and the Fiddler smashed through the roof.) 

Things looked good for Leatherface at first. Queen Kalia's HOH win meant her safety. Knobby beat his head against Harry Potter's headpost for not doing better at the HOH contest. He went out first, owing to his stupidity.

Homophobic Asshole's loss of the POV he needed to stay in the house was sweet. That, as we learned later, he lost it because he threw one of the clown shoes out of the pit himself without noticing it, makes it hilarious! What an idiot!

However, I could have done without this taste-free Family Ickiness Revelation from Edsel because of her clown shoes win: "Thank you, Dad, for taking me to the ball pit when I was a kid, because it definitely paid off today." Ah, child services...

Everyone blamed Leatherface for Homophobic Asshole's eviction, but the tie-breaker was delivered by Queen Kalia. How does she skate?

Jordumb went completely to pieces over H.A.'s exit. "Did this really happen to me?" No. It happened to Homophobic Asshole. She slid through the show to a win last time, without doing or knowing anything, and now, when she's suffered a setback no different than what she has caused to happen to other players, the Universe no longer makes sense to her. Oh boo-hoo. Suck it up, crybaby.

Voldebitch was also crying. So she was upset that she wasn't voted out? She was counting on seeing Bukie? What?

We got to see The Pity Party at greater length, as well as a really bizarre one where Queen Kalia and Edsel had to comfort Leatherface over having to vote out Homophobic Asshole instead of Voldebitch. Hey, if anyone should cry over that, it should be me. Kalia said to Leatherface: "There's no crying in Big Brother." Excuse me? Have you ever watched this show before? Niagara Falls channels through the house some weeks. Remember Amber, a few years back? That girl couldn't say "Good Morning" without a crying jag.

And when Jordumb turned, she proved she could be just as petty as anyone else. We finally glimpsed the REAL Jordumb when she began screaming about Danielle: "Her season was four years ago, and who gives a fuck if her dad is Dick?" So having won the show wears off? Look out, Jordumb, because your win already is halfway to "four years ago".

We finally had the snake challenge we'd earlier seen Knobby hogging the practise version of. His practising didn't help much. He still went out first, as per usual.

Voldebitch pointed out that she and Jordumb were "surrounded by snakes." Actually, Voldebitch is always surrounded by snakes, because she has them for hair. It turned out that Jordumb and Edsel were both pretty good at this quite difficult challenge. Edsel even managed to score a snake eye twice.

When Voldebitch went out second, she pretended to be happy by pouting and crying, and whining out: "I want to go home." You know where the door is, woman. Go ahead and leave. Bye-bye.

I shouldn't be surprised that Edsel won this. Rolling a ball down a slinky snake is peanuts next to negotiating a runway in 9-inch heels while high on God-knows-what.

When the power shifted to Edsel for the week, Knobby ran back to the Newbies.

In the myth, opening Pandora's Box unleashed Voldebitch on the world. Edsel might have known that if only she'd ever read -- a book. But she hasn't, and there was $5000 calling to her, so she opened the box, and Jordumb was saved and Leatherface doomed.

Queen Kalia was annoyed with Edsel, though less so when she learned privately that she also gets $5000. That softened the "sting" of losing Leatherface.

Jordumb was still so pissed about Homophobic Asshole being out of reach that she wasn't even cheered by the news that saved her bacon. Instead she fixated on wondering about Edsel's reward. "Why couldn't Ah win HOH, and get Pandora's Box?" Jordumb, if you had, it would screw up your nominations instead of screwing up hers. Voice of Reason? Voldebitch! "Who cares? ... Because we didn't!"

Knobby, of all people, pointed out first that the nominations did not matter at all. All that mattered was who won POV.

Edsel did Kalia a really big favor. She confessed to all that she got $5000 for opening Pandora's Box, but she told Kalia about her getting a matching $5000 privately. So Kalia gets a big prize with no house resentment.

Edsel made a big drama about picking her nominations, despite the fact that it did not matter. Yawn. The words: "Adam and Shelly, you are safe," were, as we saw, completely false.

Jordumb complained back when Bukie was kicked out about having to take care of Voldebitch during her meltdown, but now, here was Boobiac getting Jordumb through her zombie stage. Then off to negotiate with Edsel, with Jordumb wanting Voldebitch to be silent! Then she was hilariously tactless about Voldebitch, as she sat next to her. Boobiac was so stunned by it that she had no idea how to react, and eventually decided on her grating, fake laugh, always a bad choice. "I know you guys have your doubts about Rachel. Everybody thinks that, you know, Rachel's a liar and, ah, all that stuff, but..." And that she's an insufferable bitch, and that she's a whore, and that she's vicious and vacuous and unbearable and unstable and irritating and fake and....

Jordumb gave Leatherface The Silent Treatment. How nostalgic for Leatherface, like being back in high school again. Said Leatherface of Her Big Move: "I can't change what has happened, you know, it's been typed in ink." Leatherface is old enough to remember typewriters. Did she ever see a typewriter that typed in pencil?

Leatherface spouted off at length, full of self-justifications, to Knobby as they sat out in the smoking pit and puffed away. Knobby looked at her, and nodded to keep her mollified, and resisted pointing out to her that, since if it isn't her, it'll be him, he's not likely to be sympathetic. I got the feeling that if she'd stayed like this for a full two weeks, it would have forced Knobby to quit smoking.

About the POV Competition dummies: they were creepy. Stuffed jump suits had been hung up, and the faces of the previous-partners of the remaining players had been sliced off their freshly-slaughtered corpses by Leatherface, tanned and preserved, and were now stretched grotesquely across the heads of these dangling scarecrows.

It was straight-forward endurance, jump on and hang onto your partner's cadaver the longest, and you win. This was fair for such a crucial contest, as it really tests willpower. This is why Knobby once more fell first. This is why Voldebitch won it, would always have won it.

Knobby still thinks it's funny to mine his homosexual panic when he has to ride the back of Dominic's corpse.

Jordumb's rationalization for jumping down second (She did not fall off. She gave up and let go.), given that she was on the block, was pathetic: "I'm not one to tolerate pain. I know a lot of people,  they say it's mind over matter, but  this isn't like Survivor or whatever." Actually,  this is a lot like Survivor 0r Whatever, and when it's an endurance competition to keep from being voted out, it's exactly like Survivor or Whatever. It's always been Survivor or Whatever for pussies. However, I'll grant her that it's impossible for mind to triumph over matter without a mind.

Okay, Queen Kalia's farting was pretty funny. Queens do not fart. Queen Elizabeth II has that sour face all the time because she's still holding in every fart she's needed to pass since 1953.

Leatherface showed how she fights for her life by falling off less than 13 minutes in.

Voldebitch won it. She always would have. Leatherface is doomed.

Leatherface, speaking of Voldebitch in the challenge: "She was on Brendon't back. That's where she likes to be." Well, she does like hanging on his back like a monkey, but she prefers to hang on his front, or recline while he looms over her, facing her.

Voldebitch made a long speech enumerating all the reasons she wanted Leatherface out of the house. Every single one of them applied equally well to Voldebitch, starting right off with: "She is not a nice person."

Leatherface went crawling to Jordumb, "not about the game", getting all weepy about her kid. I was waiting for her to say her daughter needed new legs, or her grandmother would die without an operation, some weepy reason why she needed the money. She could use a soul transplant. They are pricey.

Leatherface offered a deal to Voldebitch and Jordumb. Boobiac's eyes were rolling all over the room. She took her offer too far to be even remotely credible. She, who has lied and Shellyed everybody in the house, said that, in an HOH competition between the three of them, she'd drop out and let them win. And I believe that Mickey Mouse is a real, living rodent, five feet tall, who lives in a house and has a pet dog.

Well the POV ceremony was suspense-free.

Knobby: "This is not the end of Adam. I'm going to do whatever I can to stay in this house." This consisted of doing nothing at all, while Leatherface ran around imploding. It was exactly the right move.

Said Edsel of her function at the POV ceremony: "A trained monkey could have done my job." Has she ever had a job that a trained monkey couldn't do? (And correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never heard of anyone training a monkey to speak, let alone host game shows, though Howie Mandell hosted a game show, so maybe they can.)

All right, the scene between Leaetherface and the mechanical fortune teller was genuinely creepy. This is religion reduced to its most naked: Lawon's Faith in his receipt of a magic, bad-stuff-undoing superpower upon eviction (His Heavenly Reward upon death), and now Leatherface spending three hours praying to a mechanical effigy of a fortune-teller, begging for a nomination-reversing superpower to be dispensed to her because, well, because she really, really wants one. Three hours.

Then she switched over to praying to a more-tangible deity, by praying to Voldebitch, offering to be her slave. Her real problem is that Leatherfaced has now Shellyed every person there once or twice and been totally found out. No one there believes any promise from her. Knobby has more credibility, and his word is worthless.

The offer of her fake diamond ring was the most outre of all. I know of no precedent for someone offering jewelry for a vote before. That it was fake jewelry, and therefore a lie and a con is par for the Leatherface course. That it was made to a girl who probably has a better eye for jewelry's value than Harry Winston was hilarious. And all of it begged the question of why she even possesses a cheap duplicate of her family heirloom ring in the first place, and why she has it with her. 

Leatherface made a hunter's offer, to cut off one of her own ears or a finger. Naugy, you cut off one of your ears, and I'll support you staying in.

As she begged for her life to Voldebitch and Jordumb, Leatherface told them how she had never thrown a competition, as the producer's played her throwing the Bride of Zingbot competition, and we heard her voice telling us why she threw it. I love it when the producers call a player on their duplicity. 

Jordumb told The Chenbot that she never got bored with Voldebitch. Probably true, but then, I doubt Jordumb would ever get bored by a dangly bit of yarn. When Homophobic Asshole wants her off his back, he distracts her with a laser pointer.

Leatherface: "I adore Jordan. I adore her heart." I'd adore seeing it basted in savory juices, slow-roasted, seasoned with garlic and maybe something weird, like an avocado, and served up to my family on Thanksgiving.

Between hanging out with the girls, both in studio and out, sipping appletinis with women who consider him harmless and sexless, complaining about fatty foods, 90210, and Torie Spelling, all the while worshipping the ground Homophobic Asshole works out-on, Knobby has morphed  into a Metalhead Gay Best Friend. Gracious me! He's turned into Lawon! Any moment now he'll be ready to start playin' this game!

Homophobic Asshole and the errant clown shoe is just funny.

And so was Leatherface voted out at long, long last. She had to make the walk of shame to go Shelly The Chenbot.

Leatherface's speech so excluded Queen Kalia, she almost blew her only vote. Knobby's speech was to ask the players to hit the "Snooze Button" on his dream. Knobby is a walking, bacon-devouring Snooze Button.

Queen Kalia's farewell message to Leatherface was the lyrics to the theme song from The Golden Girls. An original thought would tax her poor brain severely.
The HOH competition was gooey and disgusting, but not as disgusting as who won it after the broadcast ended. Knobby had no chance at it, unless he was allowed to eat the donuts and then shit them out at the other end of the course.
Well, the best that can be said for this season is, it's nearly over. Cheers darlings.


Dave in San Diego said...

Oh yes, this was another great blog post. I love the deconstruction of the alleged metaphors. Actually, they never were constructed properly in the first place, so.... Well, you summed up Jeff very well in this column. Jeff and Jordan have exhibited such an attitude of entitlement throughout this entire season it makes you wonder what kind of puffed up sales pitch they were given to coerce them back on the show. "America loves you baby, you're a shoe in....You're the most loved couple going against the most hated and the most feared. I predict another win.... Look Jeff, the odds are in your favor, we'll make sure of it. All you have to do is win HOH and sleep,kay toots?"

Natalie Sztern said...

i knew u wouldn't forget us....

walja said...

This season of Big Brother confirmed what I thought I knew from Survivor. I hate seasons where they mix returning players with rookies. The Rob Zombies Survivor season was the most excrutiatingly predictable and boring season of Survivor ever. On now this season of Big Brother They pick 5 All-Star veterans to take on Lawon. Really? And this is meant to entertain who exactly?

I would rather see Ozzy and Coach in Big Brother and Big Brother All Stars in Survivor. CBS has proven returning players have such an unfair advantage it really makes the game unfair to rookies.

P.S. I know I am commenting on an episode after this write up but Sunday's episode was the best this season. Watching Rachel trapped with Jesse while everyone else got to visit with Tori Spelling and shop was the highlight of the season for me. I couldn't stop laughing.


Dave in San Diego said...

walja: According to a response to a BB fan complaining about the show being "fixed" the FCC dismissed the complaint citing that a show such as BB is technically not a game but an entertainment program wherein the outcome is somewhat pre-determined. So, to call BB or Survivor a "game" is erroneous. At this point it may also be erroneous to tune in to watch these "shows".

PabloDiablo said...

Dave in SD, interesting post. It doesn't surprise me that the courts would rule that way similar to how WWE wrestlig was able to get around alot of the athletic rules by stating they were entertainment.

Anyway I agree, this is all getting a bit too redundant and boring. Two Pandoras boxes one after the other? I think it was clear that Porsches PB was a last minute addition to give the vets another chance at remaining in the house.

This season of BB reminds me too much of last seasons survivor. The only question with BB is who will win, Voldebitch or Jordumb?

Wasn't it funny on Sunday when they all went into Voldeys HOH room and Adam got all jealous about how the girls were going on about how hot Bukie looked in the pictures, saying in the diary room, hey I am right here flesh and blood whats wrong with me? Really? Adam must have one of those fun house mirrors at home that make fat people look skinny.

Dave in San Diego said...

Pablo: It was not the courts that made the decision, but the bureaucracy overseeing such activity. I suppose another way to read it would be that the FCC did not want to spend any time or effort looking into the complaint so they just dismissed it as not falling into the category of a game show. That would be my guess. Anyway, what does it matter? They think directing the show as they have produces ratings so now we are stuck with this template. I don't like it. I don't think TM likes it. This year I have found the various podcasts, blogs, forums in the BB universe much more entertaining than the show itself.

PabloDiablo said...

Dave, my bad, didn't key in on the FCC. Either way, I am sure the lawyers at CBS have all their bases covered so that the BB producers can influence the outcome of the game. So, who will end up being evicted tomorrow? My bet is Kalia.

GardenGuy said...

I loved the Trophy Wall and Edsel's Prize photos!

This should be an interesting week to get us to the final next week.

Lana said...

I also laughed during Sunday's episode, especially when Roid Jesse (I think he is worse than Boobiac) asked Boobiac how she spells her name and she replied with an R, while drooling at the rest of the house on their shopping spree.

I am not sure which breakdown was worse, Boobiac in the bushes or Queen Kalia in the bathroom? What a blah final 4. Edsel sure isn't the brightest, Jordumb beat her soundly. I wonder what Adam is going to do? Not that it matters. It'll be interesting to find out who wins the POV.

Lana said...

BTW - "Shedding Shelly" was one of your best, dear Tallulah.

GardenGuy said...

Since we have to wait a week before the final ...some thoughts as to where the house guests are heading in the future...

Keith - starts a pole dancing bible study class - only gets poles to join
Kalia - starts her own line of sweet smelling bibs that initially catch all the crumbs she drops and then can be used in her pants to filter all that gas she passes
Shelly - decides that the yellow tar on her face from all the cigarettes she smokes looks sort of like a tan and markets a new brand of tanning smokes
Porche - realizes that she got a daily stipend for 49 days of doing nothing and would have decided what to do with the money but took a nap instead "To think about it"
Brendon - calls up Ben And Jerry's and asks if he can be a spokesperson for their new flavor - Schweddy Balls - since he doesn't have any of his own
Rachel - Patents her cackle laugh and combines it with a new purple haired waitress doll - it's a great Halloween hit to scare the kids
Jeff - continues his homophobic rant on twitter and gets angry when he can't understand why no one is following him
Jordon - can't think of anything to patent or market (really can't think of anything) She'd follow Jeff on Twitter but "can't figure that blasted thing out!"
Lawon - Is finally ready to START PLAYIN!
Adam - decides to dedicate his time to combining his two loves and takes a year off to sculpt a Tori Spelling Bacon sculpture
Cassi - got jealous of Jordon and Rachel and got an enlargement so she could show off HER scars the next time they invite her to play BB
Dominic - finally realizes that his mother is the only woman not using him and moves out of the house - only to return a few weeks later because he doesn't know how to actually take care of himself yet

aprilinva said...

i know an awful lot of people who would benefit from the drugs they have had rachel on for the last month . . . dare i say she is almost likeable now? well, at least i don't wish for her tortured death most of the time now. i think she is going to win. what say you, tallulah?

Tallulah Morehead said...

I say "Almost Likeable" is not a state Voldebitch can achieve while still breathing.

Sorry no column this week, but I am SO BORED with this season and writing about these stiffs. Unless Voldebitch loses both the HOH and the POV competitions, she's going to win, and it's making me ill. I'll probably do some sort of wrap-up after it ends. Sadly, Survivor looks to be no better. Coach Wade back. Yuck! Another vets vs newbies season there too. Boring, boring, boring!

PabloDiablo said...

Tallulah darling I missed the finale last night but didn't even think twice about it as I figured Voldebitch was going to walk away with the prize. Yup, I know the feeling of being over it and I am not going anywhere near survivor this season the minute I found out coach would be back and also even worse a relative of Russell. I'll still check in for your witty comments and get even more enjoyment out of that than watching the show! Thanks for all your columns, you deserve the Presidential Metal of Freedom for your dedication!

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