Oh, the horror, the horror.
Last Wednesday, CBS decided we needed a 90 minute finale of Big Brother 13. They were wrong. 90 seconds would have been too long for that horror. We had the worst season ever, even worse than the infamous winter season back during the writer's strike, bottomed off by the worst winner ever. Voldebitch won. I may vomit. Strike that. I DID vomit!
And the worst thing is, even I have to admit that Boobiac deserved the win. She remained in the house despite effort after effort to get the bitch out (I blame Queen Kalia, who learned just what a commoner she is, in fact, about as common as you can get), and she won a hell of a lot of competitions. She even used her own hypocrisy to win, by endlessly saying how she hated "Floaters" while getting rid of players and keeping floaters around so that she would win any final vote. Edsel has the brain of a Model T, and Knobby, the Ultimate Floater, is just a useless waste of flesh.
Knobby had a particularly terrible last show, since he finally decided now to start PLAYIN' this game, not realizing in his incredibly dim excuse for a brain, that the Final Episode was leaving it way too late. "If not now, when? If not me, who?" he asked us. Answers: When? Never. Who? Anyone but you. His wild ego trip when he was finally evicted, his grandstanding hollering as though he was greeting his fan clubs on a triumph was especially revolting. I picture Tori Spelling somewhere, voting for Edsel over him. Meanwhile, his performances in the final challenges were his most pathetic yet. He actually bragged about what he will do when he returns as an "All-Star". Hey dipshit; you are no All-Star; you are an All-Pathetic. All-Stars are not people so stupid that, in an underwater competition, they throw away their goggles, only to find that they can't see underwater without them, and have to get out and go get them again. Too stupid even to be funny.
Queen Kalia's exit show was also an embarrassment, as the stupid woman, who had failed due to her own indecisiveness, especially in her idiot wimp-out the week she allowed Lawon to evict himself (Lawon, you win the title of The Stupidest BB Player of All-Time) instead of sticking to her guns. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Watching her freak out and not just weep, but wail and cry and shriek in the toilet was sickening and disturbing, almost as disturbing as the fact that there is a camera recording the toilet at all. I wonder who has the unenviable job of monitoring that footage every day.
Edsel, about riding the giant mixing blades: "I'm feeling nauseous, and I definitely do not want to give up on this competition, although I don't want to be swimming in my own throw-up either, so it's like a Catch-22." No it isn't. Edsel, don't pretend you've read - a book. I have read Catch-22. In fact, it's one of my favorite books ever. (Right now I'm reading Erica Heller's Yossarian Slept Here: When Joseph Heller was Dad, The Apthorp was Home, and Life Was a Catch-22 - a book title that also doesn't seem to understand what a Catch-22 is, but then, as Erica admits in her book, She's never read Catch-22 any more than Edsel has. Her book is really Yossarian Dearest, an adult child of a celebrity raking in cash taking literary revenge trashing her parent in print. Refusing ever to read her father's best-known book is just more spite from a spiteful middle-aged woman. I met Joe Heller, and he was extremely nice to me, but then, I never tried to get a pony or an allowance raise out of him.) A Catch-22 is a situation that has been rigged with circular logic so that you can never win, not a dilemma with two unpleasant alternatives. In a Catch-22 there are no alternatives.
Edsel also sealed her own fate when she opened Pandora's Box out of greed, and so saved Voldebitch. Moron! Notice how when Edsel opened Pandora's Box, it saved the last vets, whereas when Voldebitch opened it, it benefited all the remaining houseguests, therefore also benefiting Voldebitch, though it was punishment for Jesse. (Alison Grodner, STOP bringing back Jesse! No one on earth except Jesse is ever glad to see that stupid asshole.)
Dani's statement that "[Voldebitch] is the biggest floater in the house," just isn't true. Biggest bitch in the house, and outside it too, yes, but a floater she was not. Come on. She won more competitions than anyone else. It was Voldebitch's social game that sucked. She had an Anti-Social Game.
Jordumb on Edsel: "Portia has done nothing in this game. She just walked around in a bikini, cooked." Actually Jordumb, except for cooking, you just described yourself. Edsel won several challenges and made several big movies, and several big, big goofs. Jordumb looked at the pretty colors. Jordumb, advocating Knobby the House Elf over Edsel for the win: "Adam walked in the house from Day One was playing the game." No he wasn't. He tried playing it the last week, but was no good at it once he finally tried.
In the end, Leatherface emerged as the season's true villain: a lying hypocrite who, in the end, cast the vote that gave the money to Voldebitch.
What was with The Chenbot only letting two non-jury evictees speak and then turning it back over to the jury to yap? Not a word did Dominc or Cassi get to say, and frankly, I was more interested in their POV than Evel Dick's. They didn't let Lawon speak either, but that was probably wise, though it robbed him of his last chance to announce that he was ready to start PLAYIN' this game. Keeping Keith silent was very wise.
But I'm too revolted by the whole season, and the disgusting outcome to discuss it any more. I watched it before Survivor (Thank you , DVR) So at least I had Survivor to wash the bitter taste of BB13 out of my mouth.
At least on Survivor I had a new cast, where, for now, I only hate one of them going in, Coach Wade, whom I called Voldepussy the last time I had to flog her. I have issues here too though. They've once again brought back two veterans, Voldepussy and the Wizard of Ozzy. (Ozzy has done porn. I've seen stills that revealed his hidden assets. I like that.) Plus they've kept that stupid Redemption Island crap that fouled up last season.
Having no newbies to hate lasted only until the intro of Russell's nephew. Oh please! Contestant nepotism? This little moron is highly religious, a sure sign of an absent intellect, and actually thinks he can hide his last name despite it being tattooed on him TWICE. He thinks he'll be able to keep his shirt hiding them all season, on a show where the men all go shirtless. Even that repulsive little geek Cochran had to take his shirt off, something that should be illegal for him to do. And could he get a tarp to cover his gigantic nose? 50% of that geek's body weight is nose, and the rest are pimples.
Hantz Junior said: "I came out here to change the course of the Hantz Family's name." The "course"? He's mixed his metaphors to where the sentence has no meaning, but then, this kid is married and a father at 19, and a devout churchgoer. He clearly has no brain.And to make matters worse, his name is Brendon. We have to vote Brendon out AGAIN???
It was certainly hilarious to see how horrified the Blue Tribe was to get stuck with Voldepussy on their tribe. Can't blame them. Suspicious as I am of Blue Tribe rancher Rick (He's from Utah, which means there's a large chance he's a Mormon. Also, his full name is Rick Nelson! Everyone knows Rick Nelson is dead. Shouldn't he be on the other tribe? Because if he's Rick Nelson, that makes Ozzy his dad!), I had to respect his statement re: Voldepussy: "There ain't no dragons, and, ah Hell, he's in his 40s." So true, although on her CBS online bio, it says that Voldepussy is 39, but given that most everything else this fabulist says is a lie, I see no reason to take her being "39" at face value. As Oscar Wilde wrote: "London society is full of women of the very highest position who, of their own free will, have remained 35 for years." As Voldepussy pretends she's a man, she's upped it 4 years, to Jack Benny's perpetual 39.
I loved Ozzy giving a quick grope to one of Jeff's tits before he ran off. Can't blame him. And that's not all he groped, as the above illustration shows. (Remember that you can click on the pictures to see them larger and in more detail.)
Given that Hantz Jr and Voldepussy are on the Blue tribe, I am already rooting for the red tribe, though the presence of Hot Albert mitigates the tribe somewhat.
Let's look at some players.
One of my favorite people on earth is playing on the Blue Tribe, my friend Dame Edna Everage. She is very much a survivor. Go Edna, g... What Dougie? The Edna on the show is some other Edna. The real Dame Edna is in Rome at the moment? Drat! Oh. Never mind. What is this Edna wanna-be? She's an anesthesiologist. Great. Her job is putting people to sleep. She'll be riveting on the show.
I have a favorite contestant already: Albert. Remember Fat Albert? Well this is Hot Albert! Good Groucho, he is GORGEOUS!!! He is an Adonis. He gives his profession on his CBS online profile as "Baseball/Dating Coach". What the Hell is that? Here's a coaching tip; don't date baseballs; date humans, especially ones that look like Hot Albert. He gives his hero as Crash Davis, the character Kevin Costner played in Bull Durham. His hero is a fictional character. Like anyone who actually exits, Al? Mind you, many of my best friends are complete fictions, but still, a hero should be a real person. But so what? I loves me some Hot Albert. He didn't get much airtime this week, but soon.
This Keith seems a vast improvement over BB13's idiot horndog Keith. Keith is Little Dougie's middle name, but Dougie on the best-looking day of his life was no Keith. Too soon to see if he's more than just beautiful, but he's seemed level-headed and sane so far.
Repulsive little Cochran is a Superfan. He has "a Buff collection." Oh great, another Knobby, albeit, Knobby is no law student. Cochran has book smarts, but he's also an obsessive Survivor fan. Obsessive fans are always creepy and pathetic, unless they're superfans of me, or WC Fields or the Marx Brothers. He said of being on the show: "This is an out-of-body experience for me." Good idea. Getting out of that eyesore body is an excellent idea! I predict he will never make my Studly Hunk of the Month, nor ever lose his virginity. (To do so would mean cheating on his own hand.)
I immediately liked Papa Bear. Hello, a career as an out-gay NYPD detective? Wow. That took major balls. This is a man with courage. He instantly won my respect, and I'm rooting for him. Of course, once the tribes merge, he'll probably be rooting for Albert. I'd offer to shag him, but he didn't seem interested. I'd suggest Little Dougie for him, but he'd probably find Little Dougie too old and decrepit.
When he brought up being a bear, some of his tribemates thought he was referring to Wall Street bears. Jeeze guys, where have you been hiding out that you don't know that plump hairy gay men are called bears? Admittedly, he's a Polar Bear, but after a few weeks on this show, when his fat is gone, he'll be a silver fox.
Right off, in the first challenge, we had Voldepussy doing his yoga crap to center himself to lose the challenge, which was a worked-out version of a classic old logic puzzle. Since logic is beyond this moron, this challenge was over before it began. Ozzy had no chance to lose it. I thought opening with a one-on-one challenge was a DREADFUL idea, but the tribes, to the production team's surprise, turned it into a group challenge by loudly coaching their champions. As it turns out, logic puzzles are too much for the whole Blue Tribe.
Neither Voldepussy nor Ozzy the Great and Hunky got the puzzle rules in their heads right. We saw both of them get corrected by Probst. Actually, when it was shot, they fouled it up so badly, they actually had to stop it completely and drum the damn rules into their heads, and then restart the puzzle portion of the challenge. King Cheops built pyramids faster.
Okay, Semhar wins the "Most-Pretentious" Award for Episode One for being a "Spoken Word Artiste." Oh puh-leaze. You know why they call them "Poetry Slams"? They're named after the way people slam the door behind them as they flee from them. Nice gobbledygook she spouted, but it's not making me throw out my Edgar Allen Poe books. And what the Hell kind of name is "Semhar" anyway? I'm so glad we won't be seeing much more of her, unless they somehow manage to send someone even lamer to Redemption Area next week, and she somehow survives their duel. I miss the old days of Survivor, when some really idiotic old lady would get evicted first episode, and when you saw her again on the reunion show, you couldn't even remember her name.
Cochran was wise to not want to get undressed. Please remain dressed, Cock. He also runs VERY effeminately.
Voldepussy told his tribe he was not a threat. They already knew this. What he is is the tribe joke.
What's with the Russian commie on the Blue Tribe? Shouldn't she be on the Red Tribe?
Edna likes Voldepussy. Edna, you are not worthy of your divine namesake.
Christine the Evil Car thought she was being sly looking for the idol in the first 10 seconds. Way to paint a target on yourself, lady.
Jim is a Medical Marijuana Dispenser owner? Hello Jim! You're my new second-favorite, after Albert. I don't care that you're awfully doughy (You won't be long anyway), I'll shag you. Just bring along my medicine. I need it right now to fight off the nausea of seeing Vodlebitch win BB13. I needs me some over-medicating! Little Dougie chimed in "Me too!"
So he told them he's a science teacher. Why? Nobody votes out the marijuana dispenser! Tell them the truth and you'll be the most-popular guy in camp!
Dawn wanted the shelter built. Ozzy The Great & Terrible wanted to loaf in the sun. Dawn, you're right, but crush your control-freak tendencies or you'll be going bye-bye next. She called him "a little Bob Marley" to her. Dawn, Jim is the Bob Marley with the ganja! Sober people are such a drag to be around. She said she didn't think Bob Marley was "a planner." You ever worked a music tour, or written a song or organized enough rehearsals to make professional music? It takes a planner. Marley is just happy while he does so. Me not liking Dawn yet. In fact, I've never liked Dawn, which is why that's usually when I go to bed.
Brendon's ashamed of his "Loco" tattoo. He should be, but he is loco. He's also got some very bad church-based sexual repressions (though not enough to have kept him from becoming a dad by 19), and called one girl on the tribe a "Delilah." Oh puh-leaze! Later he complained of Mikayla "flaunting herself" by dressing exactly the way all girls on Survivor have always dressed, even as the cameras caught him literally lurking hidden in the bushes, peeping at Mikayla's titties. (Which found it's way onto The Soup this week.) I foresee a "her slutty clothes forced me to rape her; she was begging for it" defense coming at his trial someday. He may well turn out to be worse than his uncle, while not anywhere near as smart. Repressed pervs are dangerous. Stupidly over-religious (which is to be religious at all) repressed pervs are the worst of all. This boy is a stalker-in-training. He'll be serial-murdering "sluts & whores" one day, mark my words. I just hope he waits until he's off TV. He's making my skin crawl, and I look terrible when my skin has crawled off.
"I wish we had an astrologer here," said Russian-spouting Sophie, hoping to be voted Most Stupid. She's a medical student. Yes, just what I like in a doctor, someone who believes in the idiocy that is Astrology. "Your finger is broken."
"What should I do about it?"
"Let me consult your chart?"
"My medical chart?"
"No, silly. What good would that be? I meant your astrological chart. You're a Gemini. Hmm. Nope. No point in treating you. Your chart says 'bad things are unavoidable at this time.' I'll have to amputate."
On her CBS online bio she lists one of her Pet Peeves as "People who walk slowly in cold weather." Hello? Why do give a crap how fast strangers walk in any kind of weather? You know my Pet Peeve? Idiots who like Astrology.
The morons on the Blue Tribe seemed to be thawing to Voldepussy. No, no. Stay focused on voting that gasbag out. I am not having to put up with The Dim Lord for another season.
Dawn has missed her calling. She should be a slapstick comic. The woman falls over more than Snooki. "This has nothing to do with the game. This is two people talking," said Ozzy to Dawn, who believed him, thus cementing her position as tribe buffoon. Dawn, you idiot, it's ALWAYS the game. You're letting Ozzy know that you're a lame-o they should get rid of. Anyway, if she's falling apart on Day Two, her tribe won't want her on Day 10, when she's a gibbering wreck. Butch up, bitch!
Cochran and a machete is a recipe for lost fingers.
The onscreen caption gives Brandon's occupation as "Russell Hantz's Nephew." Do you have to go to school for that? Or did CBS just not want to put up "Professional Floozy Stalker"? Once we saw him with his shirt pulled up, exposing his - ah - physique, I became very glad that his tattoos force him to remain shirted, and not flaunting himself like a Delilah. But I'll give him this, he seems to be able to fish, though it's because fish smell like floozies, and so he had to stab them and stab them and stab them and stab them and stab them and...
"How big?" Mikayla shouted at him when he caught a fish. Oh my Dog, she is a Delilah, and a size queen to boot! Where's my butcher knife? Floozies and temptresses must die! (Brandon's answering gesture back told her he has a tiny little peepee. I am so unsurprised.)
Madame Sophie the Astrology-Lover said she suspects Brandon is hiding something. Duh. You are a real Einstein. The guy who won't take his shirt off is hiding something. You betcha. He's hiding the bodies of 14 Delilahs he's buried in his basement.
The Immunity Challenge was Classic Survivor: an obstacle course topped off with Cocoanut Basketball. Plus it inspired Albert to play shirtless, and Semhar to self-destruct, a winner all around. Semhar stupidly insisted on being one of the hoop shooters, which it turned out she sucked at. If you volunteer for a particular task in a challenge, you damn well better be able to do it, or you'll be having one-woman poetry slams for the crabs over on Redemption Area.
Much as I wanted Voldepussy voted out first, the Blue Tribe owned this challenge. Did you see Albert haul Brandon up the wall by himself? That man is awesome!
Jeff Probst: "Rick's got a hand on it!" Jeff! How uncalled-for. So he plays a little pocket pool to motivate himself, does that mean you should announce it to the world?
You could see Brandon studying the way Rick chopped through the ropes like a row of Delilahs. That machete may make Mikayla 8 inches shorter before this series is through.
Jeff: "Mikayla is a scoring machine!" So he thinks she's a Delilah too?
Mikayla's CBS online profile gives her occupation as "Lingerie Football Player." What the Hell is a Lingerie Football Player? Sounds like it involves flaunting herself. It gives her Personal Claim to Fame as "I was on the cover of Playboy February 2011 and met the hard working Hugh Hefner." Good gracious, she IS a Delilah, or at least a full-fledged floozy! Doing the Playboy cover is the very definition of flaunting yourself. And she "met" the "hard working" Hugh Hefner. Is "met" what they're calling it now? And did she meet the Hugh Hefner we see on TV, the doddering dirty old man in the Popeye-The-Sailor hat also, or just this "hard-working" one. I have trouble believing that Hugh, at age 194, gets all that "hard" anymore. As George Burns once said about sex after age 80: "It's like shooting pool with a rope." Creepy as Brandon is, he may be right about Mikayla the Delilah. She is so going to end up in a shallow grave down by Redemption Area.
Jeff: "Keith drills one for Savaii." Ooh great. Which one? Who are the Delilahs on the Red Tribe? Keith, drill me next! (Dougie, don't look so scared. When do I ever call you by your middle name?)
Semhar "didn't realize the cocoanuts would be so heavy." How lame is that? The average weight of a cocoanut is 1.5 pounds. Oh my aching arms! A pound and a half? Who do they think she is, Hercules? Albert's testicles weigh more than that. Cochran's nose weighs twice that! (Which may account for his posture. Stand up straight, boy!)
At the Blue Camp, the hunt for the clue was on. No one found it though. Stacey, the scary mortician (Brendon may have some work for her when he goes Delilah-Hunting.) actually looked right at the clue, and removed a stick from the same tree bore it's in without noticing it. Very observant. With razor-sharp skills like hers she will go far. In fact, all the way back to America. Talk about being literally clueless!
Semhar tried to make Jim sound bad for admitting he hated losing, in order to draw fire away from herself. More lameness. "No one can feel worse than I did right now," she said, apparently having never seen anyone in end-stage cancer. Way to charm votes away.
Ozzy did not want to vote out Semhar. In fact, he wants to keep all the hot girls. Of course he does. He's voting with his dick, which can be a dangerous thing to do if it gets caught in the voting machine. What he really wants to do of course, is cement a loyal harem of hot, dim girls to be his cadre of supporters. He quickly found that the tribe would prefer losing the full-of-herself Spoken Word Artiste who was speaking too many words: words like: Let me shoot cocoanuts, I'm good at it, or Jim, you're a poopyhead. A true Spoken word Artiste knows when to shut up. Semhar does not. Anyway, Jim was not so stoned that he didn't sniff out what Ozzy was really up to. Jim is smart, and if a fourth of Purple Haze were to arrive at Morehead Heights soon, I might even say more nice things about him later on. Yes that's right. I'm bribe-able.
Jim went right to Cochran to tip him off that Ozzy was trying to divert votes from Semhar-the-big-boobed to him. (Ozzy loves Delilahs, frequently! He's done straight porn, remember.)
Cochran: "Survivor is not meant to be a comedy routine." I beg to differ. That's my gig, Pasty Boy. Fortunately for him, the others want a strong tribe without full-of-themselves "Spoken Word Artistes" whose mouths write checks their bodies can't cash, and they don't want Ozzy assembling a harem to carry him to victory. They all saw last season and Boston Rob. They learned. They want her cocoanuts out of there before she drives them all cocoanuts. (To me, The Cocoanuts is primarily The Marx Brothers' first movie.)
Even Ozzy quickly noticed at Council that tribe feeling was against Semhar. He was smart enough to cut her loose.
Semhar to Cochran: "Your name has come up. I will just say that." Yes, his name came up, when Semhar brought it up. Freely translated, she was saying: Vote me out with my bodacious boobs and huge ego? No. Vote out Pasty Boy. His tits don't compare to mine. The argument did not sway Papa Bear.
Cochran turned attention to Semhar's laziness. She bought up her giving them "toothbrushes." Crest has been show to be an effective voting-out-preventing dentifrice, when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular, professional care. Cochran pointed out that it had consisted of giving folks sticks. The back-and-forth was hilarious, and since Cochran is approximately 1000 times smarter than Semhar, it wasn't going well for the boobed one. He said she stands by the pot all day. I half-expected Jim to say: "No, that's my job!"
Cochran assured everyone they would not have to rub him. That's a relief.
But Semhar's was the only vote for Cochran. Even Ozzy, seeing how the tribe was swaying, voted to oust her. She went away whining about how her tribe all lied to her. "It shows me how fake they all are." I don't know about them being fake, but she sure is lame.
Wanna see the real reason Semhar was voted out first?