Emmies Schmemmies!

Ah the Emmy Awards, three hours of the TV industry telling itself how important and talented and wise it is, before we switch back to Jersey Shore. Here’s some Rye musings I had as I sipped some rye.

When was the last time you saw a TV show that opened with an alien making gay jokes to an out Lesbian? I know: same old, same old.

Leonard Nimoy was a last minute replacement for Alec Baldwin who had already shot his bit when he learned that Fox had cut a Rupert Murdoch joke of his. Alec walked out, and I say good for him.

This show was, after all, produced by Mark Burnett, aka, Palin’s Pimp, that is, the man who produced Sarah Palin’s unreality show about raping Alaska’s wilderness and killing its wildlife, pretending it was a “Nature Show.” The only nature it revealed was that of the abominable Mrs. Palin, and the revolting Mark Burnett. Next up from Palin’s Pimp: A Dr. Phil type show with people getting help and compassion for emotional problems from Mr. Empathy and Sanity himself: Dick Cheney. It will be called Have a Heart. Anyway, good for Alec. I applaud him. Someone with principles at last.

If I had Superman’s eyes, or a TV the size of a Cinerama screen, I might have been able to see who I was supposed to be laughing at in those tiny apartment windows in the opening filmed bit. Palin’s Pimp, my TV doesn’t come equipped with a microscope. Please remember to make the images larger than an amoeba.

Sure enough, a gentle ribbing of Bristol Palin appeared in the opening filmed musical number, a joke so soft it drew no blood. Comically eviscerate her or don’t mention her at all. (However, some of the number was indeed funny. Don’t tell them I said that.)

In the number, Jane Lynch bragged that her haircut “cost more than your house.” One does not brag about being such a dope you’d pay a huge amount of money for a haircut, particularly in this economy. You can get that exact same cut for $12 from most any competent barber. Here, let me give you my barber’s card, a Mr. S. Todd of Fleet Street. And afterwards, stop by downstairs for a yummy meat pie. Their speciality? Long Pig. Tastes like chicken.

You know, much as I like Jane Lynch, her character on Glee is simply too obnoxious and mean-spirited to be enjoyable, or even bearable. Are they still doing that unfunny throwing colored liquid on people thing? They did it on last year’s Emmys, and it didn’t amuse me then. I am really beginning to wonder how anyone can even stand watching Glee.

When they switched from on-film to live, with live singing instead of lip-synching, you could really hear the difference; suddenly Jane was singing flat, very flat. The audience gave her a standing ovation for going deeply off-pitch. What a forgiving house. Still, for the most part, the lyrics were clever, with some cut to the satire.

Jane’s monologue, however, was a definite step up from the song. It was pretty damn funny. The Betty White line made me laugh, as did “finger pistols.” Why would Jane be “afraid” of Tom Cruise? She’s twice his size. She could pick him up and put him in her pocket or just step on him.

The intro singers (Which included Joel McHale) , promised that none of the Comedy sucked, and then included a clip from Mike & Molly. Liars!

Nice to be reminded why I never watch Jimmy Kimmel.

The first award was finally handed out at 16 minutes into the show. Great. No wonder it runs 3 hours. At least it went to lovely Julie Bowen, Jack’s ex-wife on Lost. She must have dressed hurriedly, because 90% of her top was missing. I’ve seen women in hardcore porn who was more decently attired.

Interesting. Apparently all the men on Modern Family are “Supporting Actors.” as the women on it are all “Supporting Actresses.” Modern Family is a great show, and unique, the only TV show in history with no leads at all! Or maybe Baby Lily is the only lead.

Ty Burrell had a very funny acceptance speech. Imagine writing such a good piece when your win is far from assured. Four nominees from the same show could easily split the vote, and give the award to the effeminate boy from Glee.

Once again, Ricky Gervais was the funniest person in the room, and he was in London. Hilarious bit. “What bunch of cowardly/Countrymen...” I can’t imagine that gag getting on the air even five years ago. I roared with laughter.

On the other hand, Jane’s comment about Ricky was not funny, and sounded rather like someone was miffed that he was funnier than she was.

Who wrote these idiot, unfunny voice-over jokes as the winners walked up? Less funny and less funny as it went along.

Having done his Arrogance Crazy Tour only to crash and burn, Charlie Sheen was presenting as part of his Apology & Humbleness Tour, which has had him on most every talk show on earth over the last two weeks, letting us know that he’s not the insane obnoxious dickwad he was six months ago. Good luck, Chuck.

Charlie’s message of good wishes to the show that had to fire him was classy on paper. If only he sounded like he meant it, rather than sounding desperate to look like he had suddenly grown up. He’s a professional actor of talent; he ought to be able to fake sincerity better than that. Anyway, it was tasteful of him to resist doing a tasteless gag or two (That’s my job). I’m sure he’ll make up for it tomorrow on his Comedy Central Roast. When does Mel Gibson come out to give good wishes to gays & Jews?

And consider this irony: Sheen so destroyed his own reputation that now, when he comes out and is totally professional, and even sane, the house is a little bit disappointed. The audience wants to see the flame-out, not a man who woke up to reality, and is trying to show he’s not still a flaming jerk.

It was lucky that Modern Family has no leads at all, as that prevented it from sweeping every comedy award. Sofia Vegara was dressed far more decently than her co-costar Julie Bowen had been.

Why did all the Lead Actresses in a Comedy come up on stage? Why? When Amy Poehler came up, I laughed, thinking it was a genus bit, running up to accept the award when she’s only been announced as a nominee, but no, that was not it. As soon as the big-boned woman from that horrible sit-com came up, it was destroyed. When they all came up, it just became meaningless.

The plus-sized woman from Mike & Molly won. Hello? I watched one episode. It sucked so badly, I’ve never turned it on again. I can not believe she is funnier than Amy Poehler or Tina Fey. (Who admittedly, is not exactly starved for Emmys. She’s running out of shelf space.) Was the academy just afraid that if she lost, she’d eat them? And then, in her acceptance speech, she tells a blatant lie: “I work with the best cast.” Darling, was your entire cast nominated, the way Modern Family’s was? Did your show get any other nominations?

The filmed bit parodying The Office was very funny, even if I had not a clue as to who the guy delivering crystal meth and the girl who didn’t understand the word “work” were.

Amazing Race wins Best Reality competition again? Honestly, it’s past time for it to go to So You Think You Can Dance.

I had to run the writers for my beloved The Daily Show a second time, this time in slo-mo, to read all the hilarious faux-Newsweek captions they’d each been given. Well worth it. Hilarious. That’s why they’re the winners yet again; they are the best.

Sorry, I had to fast-forward through Michael Bolton. Like most sane people, I can’t stand him. And is his face rotting? He looks like he’s decomposing without dying first. He’s starting to look the way he sounds. And then someone named Lea Michelle said that Michael Bolton “still looks good.” How does she read the teleprompter if she’s stone blind? And the use of the word “still” implied that at some time in the dim, remote past he was good looking. When was that? Pre-birth?

Don Roy King, director of Saturday Night Live, has a 14 year old daughter? He looks like he should have a 14 year-old grand-daughter.

When The Daily Show stops being the best show in its category, it may stop winning. Still, what a great line-up of nominees there. Six great shows. No mystery as to why Jay Leno’s disgraceful mess that once was The Tonight Show was not nominated. These are shows that do not dumb down the way Leno relentlessly does. They all play at the top of their intelligence, and invite the audience to rise to their level. Jay wants to make sure every overly-stupid, low-IQ Teabagger in America tunes in. He’s number one in ratings but, with George Lopez now gone, he’s in last place in quality. Well Pride can’t buy you more cars than any one man can drive in a lifetime, so whore it out, Jay, whore it out.

(30 years ago I knew and highly respected Jay Leno, as the comic’s comic. Boy, those days are now deader than Osama Bin Laden. It makes me sad.)

The first acceptance speech that was so conventional, read off a card, that it bored me all to heck came halfway through the show, from the guy who won for writing Friday Night Lights, which I found ironic. If that’s how well that show is written, I’m glad I never watched it.

Was Margo Martindale too drunk to get up those steps?

Frankly, with Lost over, it’s hard to get interested in the Drama acting categories.

Please. Martin Scorsese nominated a with a bunch of TV directors? Who do you think would win? Zero suspense there. For a riveting director, he sure gave a dull speech. Nothing more boring than reading off a list of names. It’s like reading aloud The Begats.

Nice to know that Peter Dinklage’s lovely wife is not a size queen.

Whoa. Julianna Margulies husband is hot! What show is he on? And how unusual of Julianna to wear a top made of giant Swiss cheese.

Kyle Chandler, if you can’t think of what to say, stop talking and get off.

I quickly hit Fast-Forward when LL Cool J ran out and began yelling at me. I have these old fashioned ideas that shouting at someone is not “singing.”

How in Hell did that hatchet job on the Kennedys get nominated for anything? Is Best Hatchet Job a category, or Best Libel?

Jane Lynch introduced the cast of Entourage as the reason she’s a Lesbian. Okay, but there were at least three of them I would shag in a heartbeat.

By this point in the evening, there had been so many references to Jane’s Lesbianism that any Teabaggers who had tuned in, rooting for the Kennedy hatchet job to win, had already turned it off and begun writing angry letters in crayon, complaining about the “deviants” on TV. “Now I gots to ‘splain to my yung ‘uns ‘bout preverts. Hows I s’posed a do that? That bootifool dyke makes me sick.”

Seeing Doctor Who’s Stephen Moffett sitting there applauding disappointedly when Downton Abbey won in his category made me sad, not that the winner didn’t deserve it. But that was a really tough category.

Maggie Smith won. Of course she did. She is a goddess, and she was hysterical in Downton Abbey. (Of course I saw it. Didn’t you?)

Barry Pepper won an Emmy for assassinating the character of our assassinated hero Bobby Kennedy in that tabloid, sleazoid garbage The Kennedys??? Now I am OUTRAGED! Everyone involved in that libelous garbage should be run out of the industry, not rewarded. Pepper, shame on you, shame! I will never forget how Bobby made my heart soar when I saw him speak live, from 15 feet away, three days before he was murdered, and how devastated I was those three days later. So now he’s been murdered again, and they rewarded the accomplice. Shame! Shame! Shame! Everyone who voted for Pepper, go fuck yourselves with a hot poker, you evil bastards. You made the Teabaggers happy. And Pepper, you better not ever cross my path. Goes for you too, Kinnear. Bastards!

Oh and by the way, Bobby was a billion times better looking than Pepper also. Pepper, I have a suggestion as to exactly where you should lodge your ill-gotten Emmy. The coward didn’t even show up. Good.

What a let-down that everyone involved in The Kennedys were missing from the Dead People Montage.

A film editor for The Beverly Hillbillies was included in the Dead People Montage. Okay, Fine. But you know, two years ago, my dear old friend Ed Cotter died. He won an Emmy many years ago for editing Happy Days, yet he didn’t make the Dead People Montage that year. How come this editor made it and Ed did not? What is the criteria? Again, Ed was an Emmy winner.

Since it would be crass to go right on and hand out another award on the heels of the Dead people montage, instead they broke, and spent three minutes trying to sell us stuff, because that isn’t crass at all.

Okay, Guy Pearce was funny. He could insert himself into my inner circle (More of an oval, actually) any time he likes!

Kate Winslet won Joan Crawford’s Emmy! And unlike Joan, Kate showed up, though she was so flustered, she forgot to wear a bra. Mildred Pierce is a fine James M. Cain novel, but I still prefer Double Indemnity.

Jane, “Hakuna Matada” does not mean “Circle of Life.” As everyone who made The Lion King #1 at the box office this weekend for the first time in 17 years knows, it means “No worries.”

Oh look, there’s my darling Bobby Morse, standing up there with the rest of the cast of Mad Men, not getting to speak. Love you, Bobby! From How to Succeed to Mad Men, Bobby just can not get out of advertising in the 1960s.

Gee, I wonder which show will win Best Comedy series. The suspense is unbearable.

I am so over Gwyneth Paltrow. She has become such a bore.

Hey, who won Best Reality Show Host? I was rooting for Kat Deeley. No one ever announced the winners of last week’s Not-Good-Enough-for-Airtime Emmies.

I drifted off, Which show won Best Comedy? I have no idea. It’s a wide open field.

And I’m ready to drift off again too, so cheers darlings.