Monday, August 8, 2011
Queen Kong Meets Bridezilla!
“‘I weep for you,’ the walrus said,
‘I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and snorts, he sorted out,
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket handkerchief before his streaming eyes.”
– The Walrus & The Carpenter, Lewis Carroll.
She Who Can Not Be Endured: “You said I pulled the first sword? Well guess what?...” [Let me! Let me! Ah, my guess is that monkeys are flying out of your butt. Am I right? Am I right? Oh poop. Well, go on.] “ ...I’m back with Excalibur! And that sword is undefeated!” So she didn’t make it all the way to the end of any Arthurian retelling beyond Disney’s The Sword in the Stone, not even a high school production of Camelot. Not even the Vegas mutilation of Spamalot. Because it usually ends badly.
But more to the point, how did Voldebitch get Excalibur? She hasn’t been allowed to leave the Big Brother House, so how could she go to England, find the unknown-for-centuries, final resting place of Excalibur, retrieve it, and return to Studio City without Alison Grodner noticing?
And besides, how could she have drawn it forth? Only he who is rightwise born King of all the Britons can draw Excalibur from its rest, let alone wield its mighty powers. Is Boobiac the rightful King of England? Should she and Bukie have been married at a cost of millions in Westminster Abbey, instead of a two-dollar, apartment pretend-wedding in the Big Brother House, with the Bridezilla adorned in garbage?
Wait! Wait! I have it! As we know, for the last week Adam was the Big Brother House Elf. But, since Big Brother gave him a gift of clothes, that is, the elf suit he had to wear, he is now a free house elf. Certainly with his freedom, must have come the ability to apparate in and out of the Big Brother House. In the Harry Potter movies and books, Dobby, The Freed House Elf, can pop-up wherever needed, with the Sword of Griffindor clutched in his - ah - I want to say “hand”? Now obviously, Adam, aka Knobby the Big Brother House Elf, must have used his magical powers to steal Excalibur for Voldebitch. It might even be one of her whorecruxes.
But the laugh is on She Who Can Not Be Endured. Unbeknownst to her, Danielle got her dad to smuggle Andúril (Sindarin for "Flame of the West") into Queen Kalia’s HOH Room accouterments disguised as a picture of Queen Kalia’s mother and giant sisters reducing a full-grown beef steer to whitened bones in two and a half minutes using only their teeth. (Queen Kalia wept at the golden memory. They won a ribbon.)
Of course, as all schoolboys know Andúril was originally Narsil, the sword forged during the First Age by the Dwarf Telchar of Nogrod, a famous weaponsmith and artificer who also made the knife Angrist, which cut a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. (I’ll bet you thought I didn’t know that. HA!) Elendil, first king of Gondor, used Narsil in the War of the Last Alliance against Sauron. During the siege of Barad-dûr, Elendil and Gil-galad overthrew Sauron, but perished in the act, and Narsil broke into two beneath Elendil as he fell. Elendil's son Isildur then used the hilt-shard of the sword to cut the One Ring from the hand of Sauron. The sword was reforged in Rivendell in 3018 T.A. (Third Age. Keep up!) during the War of the Ring, and thereafter it was renamed Andúril by Aragorn, the heir of Isildur. He carried the sword to victory and the ultimate utter destruction of the Dark Lord Sauron and all the Kingdom of Mordor.
Sounds to me like Boobiac is the one in trouble.
If you, like me, find Boobiac’s tears to be the sweetest wine, this week you were drunk on your ass. Cry, Boobiac, cry.
About “Bukie.” I’ve been spelling it “Bookie,” but I saw another BB commentor spell it “Bukie,” and as that carries the whiff of “Bukakke” (Which I am not going to define for you. Google it.), it is a much funnier way to spell it, and I’m making the adjustment. No wonder Bukie was so angry when she let slip that was her pet name for him, given what it may mean. (Like I said, Google it.)
Boobiac: “If I win POV, I can’t pull you off.”
Bukie: “No, you pull yourself off.” This is really way more information about their intimate, personal practices than I need to hear.
Bukie, trying to “Comfort” Boobiac: “Worst case scenario, if I were to go home: we’re gonna be married for the rest of our lives.” Wow. That is The Worst Case Scenario all right!
Bukie is a man with a plan. He’s going to invent “something” (he hasn’t a clue what) that will cure cancer (since a man with the vision to fall in love with She Who Can Not Be Endured must be able to see that which is invisible to we mere mortal men) and thus “patent it and make money for the rest of my life.” Yes, Bukie is a man who has looked at Suffering Humanity and thought to himself: “There’s money to be made here.” The nobility is staggering. And that his Cancer Curey Thingamabob will also benefit mankind (or those members of mankind that can afford it. Bukie will have his wife’s additional implants to pay for) is like a bonus!
Funniest Line of the Week: after the first round of bidding in the POV competition, when Voldebitch made the lowest bid for the first task, Emcee Queen Lawon said: “And Rachel went down the fastest time.” I had to hit “pause” while I bellowed with laughter. And what do I hear when I hit “play” again? Bukie saying: “All right baby, don’t overchew.” Good advice, and I speak as a woman named “Morehead.”
Queen Kalia’s observation that Bukie & Boobiac’s shouted words of encouragement during competitions sounds hilariously like instructive pillow talk given in, I’m certain, the exact same volume and tone of voice, is on the nose. Once you’ve been instructed to hear them that way, you can never unhear them that way again.
Bukie: “Good job, baby. Nice and easy. Nice and easy. Doin’ great. I’m so proud of you. That’s my fiancee up there , everybody.” (They met on Big Brother. They’re so accustomed to public intimacy, that Bukie introduces her to their, I hope appreciative, audiences every performance. Of course, after Bukie was publically unfaithful to Boobiac online last year, maybe he does need to point out when it IS his fiancée “up there,” as opposed to when it’s just some woman he met in a cyberbar.)
Incidentally, when Bukie said: “I’m so proud of you,” even without the double entendre, he was expressing pride in her demonstrating that she could walk and chew gum at the same time. And adding to her Degree of Difficulty score is that she’s so top-heavy. I mean her big, smart, brain. Get your minds out of her giant bra. I’m ashamed of all of you.
Ooh, at the end, Bukie shouted to Boobiac: “Good hustle.” It is their pillow talk!
Knobby the House Elf was eliminated first, since he was there to prove that he could do well at competitions, just not this competition, which was made up of a lot of other competitions, all of which he’d already lost anyway, so he could hardly be expected to win this one, could he? He was so mad, he put Voldebitch, aka Bridezilla, on his “Naughty” List. That will keep her awake nights. He might - ah - play badly near her. Or go shirtless.
Boobiac then knocked herself out by bidding that she could solve a puzzle like Maria in no time at all.
Homophobic Asshole is not only terrified of spelling, he’s also a lousy milk delivery system. He fails being a mammal at the most-primal level.
Bukie won POV, like I was worried that Edsel would actually win. When Bukie was trying to use his big, manly club to knock his balls into a gaping hole on a bushy slope, we got to hear Boobiac’s usual pillow talk back: “You got it sweetie. Close, close, close, close.” I was waiting for “a little bit to the left.”
Bukie then got clever, clever like a moron. He conceived the brilliant plan to pretend to intend to use the POV to take himself off the block, and then, at the crucial moment, take Boobiac off instead. This would accomplish...? I’m still trying to figure that part out. It is utterly pointless. Danielle, as anyone would, came up with two choices, one for if he came off, the other if she did. Bukie sprang his Genius Moment. Danielle nominated Jordan, and Bukie was doomed. No way the psycho manpet of Voldebitch, whose rages are asinine and annoying, would be kept over dopey but sweet Jordan, who doesn’t annoy people.
When Leatherface enters a room and asks: “What’s cookin’? What are your plans?” That’s the time to shut up.
WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? Bukie: “Daniele, you spent all week building this beautiful house of cards. And what did I do? I just took one little flick at one card, and it all came tumbling down.” Huh? What is he babbling about? What does he think he’s done? Danielle spent all week trying to insure that Bukie gets evicted. He made her think for a few hours that she might, just might, have to settle for Boobiac going home this week instead of him. Wow, it’s like choosing between ice cream or cake, between vodka or gin. No bad outcomes. Then, he provided her, via his last-moment “clever” play, his “flick,” with a moment of relief mixed with joy, and insured that Bukie will, in fact, be gone this week. Oh Moron, that House of Cards is still standing, but you’re not.
Bukie: “Using the Power of Veto on Rachel is really a no-brainer for me.” That’s good. It’s the ones that do require a brain that he can’t do.
The show went on and on about how Bukie had “shocked” everyone in the house by taking Voldebitch off the block. Oh please. Who was fooled, and so what? Some people may have been disappointed, like those of us who would happily see Studio City burned to ashes, and the ground sown with salt, if only it would rid me of Voldebitch forever, but not shocked. We could still be happy that Bukie was going away, preferably to a rubber room where he can work on his cancer-curey-thingee and on his tan at the same time. (He could cause and cure cancer the same day!)
Jordan wanted to know in advance if she’s getting evicted because she brought an “Eviction Dress,” like her confirmation gown, assuming she’s ever been confirmed, or even established. Does she own a shroud too, and want to know in advance before death takes her, so she can be dressed for the occasion? She’s an odd girl.
Boobiac, with the skill of a professional narcissist, made Bukie’s impending eviction all about her.
Voldebitch: “Who am I going to jump on when I win HOH?” In the hideous event of that catastrophe occurring a third time, I have a suggestion as to whom, or more accurately, into what, she should jump.
Boobiac in her full-scale Self-Pity Party in the hammock: “No one cares in this game about anyone but themselves.” Translation: No one in this game cares about me more than themselves.” Yes? So?
Boobiac to Bukie, through sobs: “You made a mistake by ever asking me to marry you... I ruin everything... When I get out of the house this summer, people are going to hate me more... I’m not going to ever get a job. I’m not even that smart.” Wow! Talk about searing self-honesty! Everyone of those statements is absolutely, 100% true, even if she’s made Bukie “more happier” than he’s ever been. (Merely being “more happy” was insufficient; he had to be “more happier.” PhD candidate, he says.)
Boobiac: “I’m not a bad person.” Well, the honesty couldn’t go on forever.
Evil Dick was back with a pre-taped indulgence of his ego. I could not possibly care less. I care more for the fates of the snails in my neighbor’s garden than I care what Evel Dick has to say — about anything.
I loved that the live studio audience laughed mockingly at Boobiac’s tearful vote for Jordumb.
Bukie apologized for his rushed goodbyes, explaining that he had a “gorgeous fiancee” to deal with. Then why did he spend so much time hugging She Who Can Not Be Endured, his Repulsive Fiancee? I want to see this cute fiancee. And what’s with his having two of them anyway? What is he, a Mormon? Bukie or Warren Jeffs?
If this returning evictee twist means Bukie or, if she’s exiled this week, Boobiac, returning, I will be having a conniption fit. I don’t actually know what a "conniption fit” is, but I’m damn certain a reappearance of Bukie or Boobiac would bring one on. On the other hand, if Cassi or Dominic comes back. I’m cool with that.
The HOH competition was one of those gameplay memory quizzes that are Voldebitch’s speciality, so it was a relief when Queen Kalia won, and the chances of being rid of Boobiac increased. I can’t stand Queen Kalia, but she will continue a teensy bit of momentum for the Newbies at last.
Foul-mouthed Voldebitch had to be admonished by The Chenbot for her live TV potty mouth. Naughty, naughty.
Boobiac: “Danielle got rid of Brendon to make me hurt.” That’s pure Voldebitch; the whole world is all about her. Danielle’s motive couldn’t have been removing the biggest threat in the house. No, no. Boobiac, you boob, hurting you was not the reason; that was just collateral benefit, a bonus.
Lawon: “Now it’s time for the new kids on the block to show these veterans we are here to play!” It’s Day 34. The time to show them you were there to play was a month ago. Lawon’s game play is more behind the times than his New Kids on the Block reference.
Voldebitch: “Kalia is like the worst person that could have won HOH this week.” Oops. Boobiac has herself mixed up with Kalia. Easy mistake for a total narcissist.
Hearing Boobiac’s sobs as she saw Bukie’s picture turn to black & white was sweet ambrosia, almost instantly ruined by Queen Kalia’s creepy victory dance and celebration alone in the pantry, as she told all the Dharma Initiative Food Supplies in there her plans for the week. “Nobody in this game better say that I’m freakin’ not here to play, nobody,” she lectured the potato chips. She’s odd. Don’t hire her to babysit. Your snacks might sass her.
Boobiac put on two sweatsuits and then climbed under a pile of woolen blankets for a sobby self-pity fest. I live only a couple miles away from the Big Brother House, and I was sleeping on a bare sheet naked. It is hot!
The Vet-Alliance Brain Trust, Jordumb and Edsel, came in to comfort Boobiac for some reason I can not fathom, and they used the lyrics of the theme song for The Golden Girls for dialogue. If only they’d been using the lyrics from the theme song for M*A*S*H.
Everyone seems to have taken the twist “the person evicted this week will have a chance to return,” as meaning “The person who is evicted this week will return.” That would make evictions totally meaningless, rather than just partially meaningless. Use your brains fol— Sorry. Forgot of whom I was speaking.
“Who wants to see my HOH Room?” No one. No matter who is HOH, no one cares, least of all me. Could we retire “Who wants to see my HOH Room?” please?
I was as weirded out as Homophobic Asshole was to see Queen Kalia carry on like it’s her baby’s funeral at seeing a picture of her mother whom she hasn’t seen in the better part of five weeks. This never makes sense to me. I would assume that the reason you do a show like this is to get away from your family for three months. I haven’t seen my mother in 14 years, and yet I never break out into Boobiac’s-longing-for-Bukie level sobbing and keening at the sight of her picture, though if I’m unprepared, an unretouched photo of her can still make me jump and shudder, but I almost never scream anymore.
Kalia, grow up.
Leatherface hopes her little girl, in elementary school (and undoubtedly overjoyed to be away from Mommy for a few months), will “save all her stories” for when Leatherface gets home. She wants her little girl to keep a journal perhaps, of who won foursquare today, who jumped rope the longest yesterday without tripping, why Johnny Xifo is a “poopyhead,” and all the thrills encountered while learning the times-table for 7? I have never met an elementary-school-age kid with interesting stories to tell, even when I was 8. The number of classic novels, or even trashy best sellers, written by 8 year olds littering our international library shelves can be counted on the fingers of a single amoeba.
Knobby thinks that taking off his Elf outfit means he is no longer an Elf. He is so wrong. He shalt be Knobby, the Big Brother House Metal Elf henceforth forever. World Without End. Amen.
So does Leatherface often chat up women, and then later try surreptitiously to wriggle up underneath them as they sleep? This was some majorly creepy perving. Maybe “Leatherface” isn’t her only “L” Word. When Knobby is on the show, and you’re still the creepiest person there...
Edsel has no idea what an onion tastes like? Really? How is that possible? Really! How? Really! Has she ever eaten food?
This competition was disgusting, but it was also a great competition, unless you are a total moron like Edsel.
Lawon was ready to start playin’ this game. He just wasn’t ready to start winnin’ this game.
I knew that Elves didn't get along well with dwarves, and that wizards kept them as slaves up to the present day, but I had no idea they were also fighting with the fairies. Can't elves get along with anyone?
Homophobic Asshole: “These things are like drinking a warm beer out of your old friend’s shoe.” So many thoughts flashed through my head hearing that. When, and under what circumstances, did Homophobic Asshole experience drinking warm beer out of his old friend’s shoe so he could make the comparison? Does drinking warm beer from an old friend’s shoe differ substantially from drinking warm beer from the shoe of a relatively new acquaintance, or even the footware of a total stranger, or - dare I say it? - a shoe stolen from who knows whom? What about drinking a warm beer from the shoe of an enemy you have vanquished on the field of battle, though preferably with the foot removed? Is he recommending drinking warm beer from the shoes of old friends (the English I believe, often do just that. They call them “Wellington Shots”) or is he repulsed by the idea?
When Jordumb was chugging her vile brew, with whether Boobiac would suffer a third consecutive week of slop on the line, we got to hear She Who Can Not Be Endured’s pillow talk to Jordumb. It’s L-Word week in the Big Brother House. First Leatherface perving on Queen Kalia, now the revelation of the hidden intimacies of Jordumb and Boobiac: “Good job, Jordan, Good job. You got this girl. Jordan, you’re doing such a good job.” I was surprised Homophobic Asshole didn’t have a jealous explosion. Oh, and Jordumb didn’t do a good job. She lost, keeping Boobiac on slop. But Jordumb was consumed by guilt, and had her own minor (compared to Boobiac’s) pity party. We also learned that she does not know whether one drinks a cocoanut or eats one. Odd girl, but I bet she knows how an onion tastes.
Kalia wants to trust Leatherface. Stop “wanting to,” and look at all the evidence you’ve seen that she’s a total backstabbing liar, who also pervs on you in the hammock.
Lawon is ready to start playin’ this game. Just thought I’d mention it.
Where did Homophobic Asshole get the idea that the way to charm a person out of nominating you as the pawn is to scream orders and threats at them? It doesn’t work well.
Kalia: “I could very well be like literally digging my own grave.” No she couldn’t. If she were literally digging her own grave, she would have a shovel in her hands, and be digging a person-sized hole to a depth of six feet, and then lying down in it, as it is filled in. She told us she was the “real-life Carrie Bradshaw,” in part because she’s a writer. She’s a writer, but she uses “literally” where she means “metaphorically.” I thought Carrie Bradshaw was supposed to be a good writer. Why would the real-life one be a bad writer?
She nominated Voldebitch and Homophobic Asshole. Please let it be Boobiac’s turn to exit forever. Queen Kalia: “I’m gonna jump, grow wings, and fly on the way down.” Ah, bad plan. Grow wings first! Do not jump until you have those wings grown and working. You only get to make this mistake once.
And why, sitting next to Dani at the nomination ceremony, did Voldebitch suddenly turn into my little brother in the back seat of my parents’ un-air-conditioned station wagon all the way across Arizona and New Mexico?
Let’s send Boobiac and Excalibur back into the lake, and make her the Lady of the - well - Whore of the Lake.