Slytherin House.

The Interview:

Leatherface (Puffing away on a cigarette, because she’s not rotted away inside enough yet): “All right Jordan, I’m going to give you a series of a few words, and I want you to tell me which one is more you.”

Jordumb: “Okay.”

Leatherface: “Glass half-full or half-empty?”

Jordumb: “I guess... Aaaah. I don’t get it. Half -full?” [I’m going with “completely empty.”]

Leatherface: “Decisive or pensive?” [Objection! Asked and answered.]

Jordumb: “What does that mean?”

Leatherface: “Party with employees or no outside relationships with employees?”

Jordumb: “Um, well what do you make, like, partying, like gettin’ drunk?”

Leatherface: “What is your greatest weakness?” [I know! I know! Her brain!]

Jordumb: “My weakness? Terrible in science. Um. He, he, he.” [She thinks her ignorance is funny. Actually, she’s terrible at every subject except “Recess.”]

Leatherface: “Do you have any mentors that you look to for advice?”

Jordumb: “I’m more so like my own mentor, kind of.” [She asks herself for advice? That explains so much. Talk about bad mentoring!]

Leatherface: “How does work mimic life?”

Jordumb: “Oh my goodness, Shelley. Um.”

Leatherface: “You’re going for a big money job. I’m gonna pay you six figures here.” [All zeroes, even the first digit.]

Homophobic Asshole: “Jordan might not have the best interview skills...” [might not?] “... But what the hell; I’d give her the job just ‘cause she’s cute.” [Spoken like Hugh Hefner. Hey Homophobic Asshole, it’s an office job, not a blow job.]

Leatherface: “Why are you looking for a new job?”

Jordumb: “Well, you cain’t be a receptionist forever. And if yer gonna pay me six figures, I’ll take it.” [This is as close to an intelligent reply as she gave.]


Nice to be reminded, amidst all the Voldebitch horror, that Jordumb is the stupidest and most abysmally ignorant grown woman in America.

But I’m ahead of myself, perhaps to put off re-experiencing the soul-grinding horror and revulsion of the eviction of idiot Lawon and the return of Bukie. Lawon was convinced that, if evicted, he had “a 99% chance of coming back,” and not just coming back, but coming back with SUPERPOWERS! The Chenbot could hardly suppress her smirk as she told us “There are no superpowers.” And where did Lawon get that 99% figure? Sniff it. Notice how it smells like shit? That’s because he pulled it out of his ass. I was impressed that he could pull such a large number out of his ass while remaining seated, but then, I’m sure his butt is trained for easy access.

Lawon: “What do you think of me now?” I think you’re a moron. The second worst thing about Thursday’s show was that we didn’t get an exit interview between The Chenbot and Lawon, as he had managed the enormous and impressive feat of making absolutely The Stupidest Move in the entire 11-year history of American Big Brother. Remember, he didn’t merely volunteer to go on the block as a pawn; he volunteered to be evicted from the house! How punishingly stupid is that? And it saved She Who Can Not Be Endured! Oh Lawon, I hope you are Googling yourself and that this brings you here this week. You asked what I think of you now. I would like you to know. I think you are an IDIOT!

And on top of all that, his idiocy, coupled with Queen Kalia’s cowardice and lameness, resulted in saving Voldebitch! No punishment is sufficient for that crime. Waterboarding is too humane.

Queen Kalia: “Oh my God! We should have evicted Rachel.” Yes you should have, you blazing moron. Now stop talking, and begin slapping yourself across your stupid face, HARD! Just keep doing it until I tell you to stop. (And that won’t be until Voldebitch is gone.)

Lawon’s shell-shocked look of bewilderment on finding that Reality didn’t conform to the Fantasy World he had pulled out of his butt was funny, but not funny enough to compensate for the hideous spectacle of seeing Boobiac delirious with joy. And we didn’t even get to see him tell The Chenbot: “I am ready to start PLAYIN’ this game!”



Since I already knew that Daniele was going to win HOH before I watched the episode, I at least derived some pleasure from hearing boob statements like Homophobic Asshole’s: “I’m pretty stoked. We have an excellent shot of winning HOH this week.” At least I’d have the pleasure of watchng those dreams crumble quickly.

The “Love Circle,” wherein Bukie, Boobiac, Homophobic Asshole, Jordumb, Leatherface and Knobby the Big Brother House Elf linked hands and jumpd up and down in joy (or in Knobby’s case, poorly feigned joy) was revolting. Knobby acts like he’s one of them. Everyone knows House Elves are a lower order of being, inferior to all humans except VIP Cocktail waitresses. He clearly thinks he’s a loveable character, when he’s a pathetic clown who is not funny.

And what’s with Leatherface being so open about which side she’s actually spying for? Why Leatherface, you evil, hypocritical, moral vacuum, people are likely to notice that you are the most-treacherous viper in the house.

But just as Leatherface’s true allegiance is coming out now, so Edsel has also been revealed. Her VIP Waitress/Whore bond with Voldebitch was shattered when Edsel threw her under the bus ineffectively last week. Edsel was not invited into the Love Coven. (It was RSVP, and BYOB - Bring Your Own Bitch) Voldebitch has turned on her. Poor Edsel, pretty, but not as pretty as Cassi, a whore, but not as depraved a whore as She Who Can Not Be Endured, stupid, but not as stupid as Jordumb. (Though pretty darn close. This is the woman who said she doesn’t know what an onion tastes like.) And now her best friend in the house is out to get her.

Queen Kalia wept, wailed, shouted, and bitched in The Diary Room over “America” voting Brendon back in. We were told he received around a million votes. Since all of those came from Sadistic creeps hitting “redial,” it means far less than a million people voted the rageaholic jerk back in, and America has around 300 million people in it, I’d say “America” isn’t responsible, just a small minority of jerks. (If you are one of them: damn you to Hell!) In any event, this is YOUR fault Kalia. If you’d stuck to your plan and evicted Voldebitch, one of them would at least still be gone. Kalia should be sentenced to being handcuffed to Boobiac for as long as either of them are still in the house. Her having to lie there, cuffed to Voldebitch while Bukie has his Victory screw, listening to whatever hideous noises Voldebitch makes when in the throws of passion (Because this is one noisy woman) would be a fitting punishment, even though the sex sessions are probably only 30 or 40 seconds long each. The “Real-Life Carrie Bradshaw” could learn first-hand (or first-some organ anyway) about Sex and the Studio City.

Voldebitch complained of Danile having been “arrogant” while Queen Kalia was HOH. Hello? That’s the black hole at the center of the universe calling the kettle “black.” Who was the most-arrogant HOH ever? Hint: I call her Voldebitch. I refer you to my Huffington Post Archives for a column last year on her first stint as HOH, where she was so power-mad and egocentric that I titled the column I, Boobiac . But then, nothing annoys Voldebitch more than when any one but her acts exactly the way she always does. (Except not as bad. No one could be as bad as Voldebitch. Bloody Mary back in the 16th century was a nicer person than Voldebitch. Lucretia Borgia found Voldebitch “too poisonous,” and Livia, the homicidal wife of Caesar Augustus, who murdered one of her own sons, several of her grandchildren and a lot of other people, said: “Voldebitch scares me,” in perfect Latin.)


But I did see something I liked: Voldebitch turning on Leatherface. Now there’s a back that needs some stabbing.

Of course, for an egomaniacal asshole like Bukie, it’s not enough to be back; he must crow about it. He felt it necessary to walk about the house shouting “I’m baaaaack!” at the top of his considerable lungs. He’s learned to be extra-loud and extra-obnoxious from a year of screwing and cheating on Voldebitch. Meanwhile, how’s that cancer cure coming along, Bukie? Better get cracking. The way they puff away on their ciggies, Knobby and Leatherface are going to need it sooner rather than later. But then, the “woman” he “loves” is herself a walking tumor, and very malignant, so maybe he shouldn’t cure cancer. It would kill Boobiac.

Dani was terrified of the challenge because it involved numbers. You know, I stand second-to-none in my loathing of math, but because it’s boring, not because it’s difficult. I understand Jordumb being scared of it. She can lose count after 3 when counting to 10 on her fingers. Remember, she’s the girl who couldn’t figure out how many minutes were in a quarter of an hour. She’s been known to refer to her and Homophobic Asshole as “the three of us.”

It was a perfectly good challenge. Highly-educated (according to them) “geniuses” like Boobiac & Bukie should win this in a walk. Heh, heh, heh.

Voldebitch, who keeps telling us how educated and smart she is, was eliminated, having written a figure well over twice the correct amount. Of course, with giant silicone bags like hers hanging from her chest, it’s not surprising that she overinflates her figures as well as her figure.

Jordumb went out second. That’s right, Voldebitch was stupider than Jordumb. I think that, for the number of pepperonis on the pizzas, Jordumb wrote down “Many.” Well, “Meny.”

Edsel didn’t “get” olives for Florida. Among her suggestions were alligators. I hope she meant dead or stuffed ones. For Florida, I’d have picked “Hanging Chads”, as in “How many of these uncounted-by-the Supreme-Court-which-Bush-Senior-appointed Hanging Chads actually were for Al Gore?” Anyway, “Doctoral Candidate” Bukie couldn’t come near the correct olive tally. Since they were martini olives, playing at home, I got the number exactly right, to the olive.

The Las Vegas item to count was cards. I’d have gone with “whores” myself, as in: “How many whores are currently in the Big Brother House?”

Jordumb: “What losers we are. We are like the worst.” Hmm. Maybe she’s not so dumb after all. That was a very perceptive statement. No wait. She said “We are like the worst.” No. Close, but an accurate statement would be: “We are the worst.”

Homophobic Asshole went out on that one. He’d be welcomed to Vegas after that, as it is clear that he can not count cards.

Edsel: “I’m starting to get dizzy ‘cause, you know, the plane propeller is spinning pretty fast...” A.) No. I can see it myself, and it’s spinning rather slowly. B.) She gets dizzy from watching a propeller spin? This ditz was born dizzy. “... I don’t deal with rivets ever, so I’m not really exactly sure what a rivet is.” Ooooh boy.

1. I "don’t deal with rivets ever” myself, but I know what a friggin' rivet is! I even know the difference between a normal rivet and a flush rivet. (Of course, all my life, audiences have found me “riveting”.)

2. You don’t need to know what they are; just count them, idiot!

3. Rivets taste just like onions. Trust me. I’ll have one heated up for you, then just pop it into your mouth, Edsel. Don’t worry. They’re not fattening.

4. It’s the sound a frog makes, dumbo.

This season really needs a Stupid-Off between Jordumb and Edsel, for the title of Biggest Ignoramus in the House.

Hey! Challenge idea! They could compete for HOH one week by guessing who has the lower IQ in the house: Jordumb or Edsel. Surprise winner: Voldebitch. (Okay, not a huge surprise.)

Knobby went out on the rivets. He is ready to start PLAYIN’ this game!

The last one was to guess the total number of gold coins in a chest. Big Brother claimed there were 2832 gold coins there. Liars! I believe that the total number of gold coins in that chest was 0. There were 2832 gold-colored fake coins in that chest, but they did not rollout a prop chest with enough gold in it to buy a three story house in Bel Air on this cheap-o show.

But that was irrelevant to Dani’s victory, and Voldebitch’s horror, anger, and despair. That’s the way I like to see She Who Can Not Be Endured, if I must see her at all: miserable and despairing.

Dani: “I’m going to make every person, even Shelley, shit their pants.” Classy Dani. I guess your apple hasn’t fallen far from its poisoned tree.

And so the parade of asskissers into the HOH room began with Knobby the Big Brother House Elf offering an irresistible deal: “If I win HOH next week, I would not put you up next week.” So, he has offered that when monkeys fly out of his butt, when George W. Bush solves the Unified Field Theory, when Jordumb gets her PhD in particle physics, and when Knobby wins HOH, he’ll — Put Dani and Kalia up and take all his orders form Voldebitch. Go away, Knobby.

Next snake to slither in was Leatherface, pretending, as she always does, to be the person she’s talking to’s best friend. Dani pointed out Leatherface’s obvious glee when Bukie returned. “I can’t sit there and be in-his-face brutal.” Why not? In any event, there could perhaps be a middle ground between being in-his-face brutal, and holding hands and jumping about with joy in the Love Coven.

She tried to guilt Dani out of targeting her with a lame argument that she felt like she wasn’t one of the cool kids. First off, this evil leathery hag is not kids, and hasn’t been since Bush Senior was president. And the animal-killing swine wasn’t “cool” even then. In any event, betrayals and lies and general snakishness are not cool.

Then she demonstrated her coolness by essentially saying to Kalia: “Would you leave us alone so I can throw you under a bus, please?”

Leatherface said to Dani: “I’m gonna tell you the truth, because that’s just the way that I roll.” Well that’s two big lies in one small sentence, seasoned with an out-of-date cliche. “I really like you.” another lie. “I would like to be on your side.” Yet another lie. When does this truth-telling she rolls with begin?

Leatherface then hurried downstairs to eavesdrop on Edsel and Queen Kalia, just in time for her to hear Edsel call her a “piece of shit.” Sometimes snoopers hear stuff they don’t like. Shit was insulted also

“The moral high road is impossible in this game” said Leatherface to us in the Diary Room. How would she know? She can’t even see the moral high road from the caves of Hell where she’s been slithering since Week One, when she joined The Regulators’ alliance (Remember them?) and reported every bit of their strategy to the vets, voted with the Vets, and lied to everyone about it. I guess we should feel lucky that she speaks to us in English, because her native language is Parseltongue. This witch definitely graduated form Slytherin House.

She slithered outside to coat her lungs with additional tar as she hissed more lies to Edsel: “In this game, I have never once done anything but look out for you....” LIE! She has only ever looked out for herself, and frankly, everyone should have been looking out for her. “... try to do the right thing...” LIE! “... I outta walk around here and treat people the way I just got treated...” Ah, you do. As Leatherface told Edsel lie after lie, the show edited in flashback shots of her doing exactly what she was claiming, with high moral outrage, not to have done.


Said Leatherface of Voldebitch, furious that Voldebitch had told Edsel, back when they were best buds, just what she was up to: “I will never let her take my class away from me.” You can’t take away what you don’t have. This is like seeing a bag lady on the street screaming at people that they’ll never steal her car or burn down her house.

The weirdest thing was, she was even lying to US, apparently forgetting that we see all, know all. Why tell us you have no deal with Voldebitch when we’ve seen you make the deal, seen you deliver on the deal, and saw you bouncing joyfully in the Love Coven? It makes no sense.

Bukie and Boobiac came to deal. Bukie told Dani “right now, you’re in a bad spot” No, actually you are. She’s HOH. But Bukie is a firm believer in negotiating with threats.

“I’m using pure logic to play this game,” said the rageaholic Bukie, who wouldn’t know logic if it cured cancer in front of him. Bukie’s logic included throwing his game-long ally Jordumb under the bus. Dani told them flat-out that she couldn’t trust them. But what did she do, come nomination time? She took Voldebitch’s recommendations, and nominated Knobby and Leatherface. I’d be happy, nay, jubilant, to see either of them leave, but first I want Voldebitch OUT!

Well, maybe she’s planning on backdooring She Who Can Not Be Endured. I can only hope.

However, only Leatherface seemed to be shitting her pants, and she always smells that way.

Knobby: “My game play has been really bad this season.” As opposed to his other seasons? Does he think he’s one of the vets? This is his only season, but yes, his game play sucks. Also his taste in music, food, grooming, and actresses. In fact, I’m hard pressed to find any aspect of him that does not suck. Well, he also blows.

Even at the table, as they waited for the keys to arrive, Leatherface was working the room. Okay, she was bad-mouthing Voldebitch, which I’m generally fine with, but she was telling people that Voldebitch was the spy who passed information around. Wrong. She was never privy to the Newbies’s plotting. It was Severus Leatherface who is the rat. Still it was nice to see that by the end of the hour, the Love Coven circle were all at each other’s throats, fighting to be the one to push the others under the bus first. It was like watching the Republican debate (not that I did. I’m a hedonist, not a masochist.), and seeing all the most-evil people in America stop slamming the President for their own crimes to spend an hour turning viciously on each other, and then trooping out to deep-throat corn dogs and deep-fried butter. Clog them arteries thick and fast, Bachmann and Perry. We look forward to your funerals.

Leatherface in the Diary Room: “I am actually furious that Rachel would blatantly lie.” Oh boy.

1. Leatherface has been blatantly lying since Day One, if not Hour One. What’s good for the dodo is good for the cobra.

2. The “lie” she’s furious about Voldebitch telling was not a lie.

“Rachel, you are safe.” Is there an uglier sentence in the English language? Well maybe “Madam, we are out of booze.” Fortunately, I’m not. Cheers darlings.