Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Am I to believe that no one on the Big Brother staff, no one in the Big Brother house, and no one at CBS Standards and Practices knows what "cornholing" actually means? Hello? It's had its obscene meaning for at least 200 years.

You want some laughs? Check out Lawon's exit interview with The Chenbot online, which never aired. It opens with The Chenbot trying to strangle the idiot. Nothing Lawon says makes any sense. He's a total, drooling moron. He's a Martian, a particularly stupid Martian. He is ready to start PLAYIN' the game now though. "I still I think I won, because I came in the house the same way I was outside of life." (Huh?) What, exactly, is good about that? In any event, Lawon, you did not "win," not ANYTHING!!!! And we learned that Dani, Lawon, Edsel, and Queen Kalia's alliance has a name: "The Pajama Jammers." No wonder they're all too embarrassed to say it on TV, except Lawon.It's perfectly clear that nothing can embarrass Lawon, short of dressing well.

Well, whatever went wrong this last week, at least Bukie is gone to the Jury House, though utterly gone would be better. This is another reason they should have evicted Voldebitch weeks ago. Now, even when she's out, she'll still be on the jury, and I'll still have to see, and worse, hear the hideous bitch.

The problem with the soap suds challenge is we watch this show to see the players play dirty, not clean. It is, of course, great fun to watch the players fall on their asses, though sadly, no serious injuries. But it was pretty obvious even before last Thursday's episode ended that Homophobic Asshole (A man who thinks cornholers shouldn't educate kids) was going to win HOH, and the instant it ended, I went online and found out that, yup, he did. But did Voldebitch or Leatherface choke to death on suds, or break a limb falling over? Sadly, so, so sadly, no. (The tricky part was the poor CBS show staff who had to dangle large, rabid dogs over the challenge, to drool foam on them.)

Voldebitch: "Rachel is back!" Boobiac, you never left! Go away. dig a hole, crawl in, and pull the dirt in over you.

"I'm probably the only person in the house who knows what a dishwasher is," said the woman who has no idea what an avocado is, and thinks Guacamole is some rare, "weird," exotic dish. Where do they find these people? Edsel has never tasted an onion, and Leatherface has no idea what an avocado is, nor what a "moral scruple" is either. I guess she's not interested in foods she can't go out and kill. On the plus side, since avocados and guacamole are delicious, the fact that Leatherface has missed out pleases me. What does she eat? Pig intestines? If so, watch out Voldebitch! (I used to grow yummy avocados on trees in my yard, and by me, I mean my staff.)

I'm sure Voldebitch knows what a dishwasher is: "The Hispanic guy who works in the kitchen, but isn't a cook." And I 'm certain Boobiac has washed dishes. It's how she pays for restaurant meals at restaurants that don't take blow-jobs in place of cash.

Voldebitch: "I like a foam party just as much as the next girl, but I don't know if I can handle this much foam." OK, Leatherface (who is the next girl) doesn't know what avocados are, and I have no idea what a "Foam Party" is. Cujo's birthday celebration? Maybe Voldebitch's tricks are so afraid of catching arcane diseases from the shrill trollop that they won't let her touch them naked unless they are both covered in antiseptic soap studs. She should be sterilized before every use, or better yet, cauterized.

When Jordumb predictably fell on her tiny butt (vanishing completely into the mountains of suds) Leatherface helped her up. You wana play boy scout, Rawhyde-puss, or do you want to win Big Brother? Because you need to win HOH. Did you see Homophobic Asshole, who thinks he loves Jordumb, and who constantly tells us how the pathetic child is "a little cutie," stop to help her? No. And who won HOH? Homophobic Asshole.

Dani expressed doubt that Queen Kalia has ever washed a dish in her life. Queens have kitchen maids for that sort of drudgery. I have my doubts that Queen Kalia has ever eaten off a dish before. Kalia may not be smart, but she is a lousy competitor. Kalia, of course, blamed Dani's cheer leading for her ultra-lame performance. Queenie, if you were a competitor, you would tune everything out, and play the challenge to win! Kalia is pathetic. Quit blaming others for your lousy game play. The I-hope-Edsel-will-win-HOH "strategy" didn't really pan out, Edsel having won so far - ah - oh yes, nothing!

Fierce competitor Voldebitch, decided her strategy would be to cheer on Homophobic Asshole rather than play to win.

Voldebitch: "Come on girls, at least when you win, I pretend like I'm happy." This was the biggest single lie anyone has told in the house all summer. Pouting, sobbing, having tantrums, getting all weepy in the bushes, so Bukie has to talk her down from near-suicide is her "pretending like I'm happy"? How does she express misery? Firebombing Tripoli?

The worst thing about Homophobic Asshole winning HOH is that getting rid of, or better yet, killing, Voldebitch is not a priority with him. Leatherface now loathes Boobiac, but it's too little too late. I will never come to like Leatherface. Likewise Voldebitch is sick of Leatherface, and "had enough of her fake attitude." Oh that's the deepest cave in the world calling the Sun "dark." I've had enough of Voldebitch's fake boobs, fake hair, fake laugh, and fake education. (But I've had enough of Leatherface too. It's double-eviction week. Wouldn't it be great if Leatherface and Voldebitch both went? Please, please, please. Next week is my kitty cat's 14th birthday. Do it for my pussy.)

Dani thinking her "deal" with Jordumb and Homophobic Asshole means anything is purest wishful stupidity. Has she ever met her own father?

I liked that even Homophobic Asshole now knows that the answer to "Who wants to see my HOH room?" is always "No one!" Can we retire that ritual now, please? Even the players are sick of it. Apparently Jordumb has been teaching Homophobic Asshole's neices how to spell.

Leatherface decided, apropos of nothing, to go gratuitously start another fight with Voldebitch. This is a woman who would stamp on Godzilla's tail, and yell: "You call that levelling a city? My granny eats cities better than you do, and she's only radioactive after she eats baked beans!" And the substance of her complaint? She wanted Boobiac to stop "making eyes" at her. Of all Voldebitch's many great Crimes Against Humanity, making eyes at Leatherface is low on the list. After all, looking at Leatherface won't give Voldebitch any pleasure - nor anyone else. She's a sight to make eyes sore. I loved Boobiac's lame defense: "Shelley, I haven't been talking about you to anyone --- --- --- like recently." (By "like recently," she means since Leatherface, like, entered the, like, room.

Okay, Leatherface likes peanut butter. Many otherwise-sane people do. She likes English muffins. So do I. But she claims to be 40, for Heaven's sake (which means she's 55), and she eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Yuck! Even at 8 years old, that made me bilious. But she likes it. Fine. Eat it, but you might at least TRY sampling other foods offered you. Even being from The South is no excuse for picking up a pear and having to ask "What is this?" I don't much like pears, though they are preferable to even the world's finest apricot or nectarine, but I friggin' know one when I see one. She called pears and avocados "weird foods." Leatherface, what's weird is a woman of 55-but-admitting-to-40 not recognizing a pear, and eating peanut butter and jelly. Maybe if she'd gotten some decent nutrition at some point in her life, she wouldn't have skin that would shame an alligator. (But she only eats peanut butter she herself has killed.)

I was eating an egg salad sandwich when I saw that "America" had voted to allow Have-Nots to eat hard-boiled eggs. Homophpobic Asshole picking The House Stooges, I mean the remaining Pajama Jammers, to be the Have-Nots was kind of funny in a sick way, or would be if it didn't forbode his nominations. (I was waiting for Leatherface to say: "What is an 'egg'?" We don't have 'eggs' in The South. It's Yankee food, suh!" She should love avocados. They used to be called "alligator pears," and she's now seen what pears look like, and she has skin like that of an alligator with bad skin.) Queen Kalia told us of Jalapenos: "I physically can not eat them!" Can she eat them spiritually? How about metaphysically? How about stuffing some up her over-abundant ass? It's not like she's being forced to eat something "weird" like a pear.

The table got smaller. Whoopie. I could spend this time watching old George Burns & Gracie Allen TV shows.

Dani: "I'm not stupid." Well, not compared to Jordumb or Lawon, but she's never going to get her doctorate any more than Bukie ever will.

Homophobic Asshole was pretty funny, when Edsel came up to talk game, being sarcastically impressed that she was ready to start playin' this game, 49 days in.

He nominated Queen Kalia and Edsel, planning on backdooring Daniele. Well, maybe the double eviction on Thursday will get one of these stones out of my gall bladder.

Oh, and all you New Yorkers squawking about the earthquake there yesterday? Shut up. Less than a Richter 6, with the epicenter several states away in Virginia? Puh-leaze. Here in California, that's not an earthquake, merely a vibrator that got left on. Wake me when you get a
real earthquake.

Until then, Cheers darlings.


aprilinva said...

Tallulah, I'm in Richmond, Virginia and, while by your standards it was lame, the earth did indeed quake beneath us. But very little harm was done and we are all having a ball telling our stories. And being from the South (albeit the most northern part), we definitely know about cornholing in its many forms.

On to Big Brother: Guess how Shelly pronounces parmesan cheese, which she described as "the powder in the tall green can." Par-meeee-shun, emphasis on the meeee. Par-meeee-shun cheese. When she was corrected (by Jordumb, no less), she couldn't believe what she was hearing was true. And then, when Porsche was reading the Bible the other night (I know!) and pronunced the word "rabbi" as "rab-bee," Shelly laughed and laughed and snorted. Tall green can indeed.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Well the earthquake epicenter was in Virginia. My remarks were quite specifically aimed at New York City. I heard from a number of friends there yesterday, squawking about an earthquake two states away. Yes, your ground quaked, 5.9 is noticable, but speaking as a lifelong Californian who has survived many, many quakes, if you're not digging dead bodies out of the rubble of numerous collapsed buildings, bridges, and highways, you've not been in a real earthquake. You've just had a little visit from Earth's Magic Fingers, set on "Sooth".

That's hilarious about Leatherface. The gaps in her knowledge are amazing. How does one not recognize a pear? How does one consider yummy, delicious avocados "weird"? And at age passing-for-40, she shouldn't be so afraid of trying new foods, especially given the immaturity of the foods she does eat. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are what you give a schoolkid instead of a real lunch.

As for Edsel, One can't really speak of her having gaps in her knowledge. It's become more surprising when she does know something. The gaps in her ignorance are once in a while surprising. One wonders if she's ever met a Jewish person.

I'm now imaging Leatherface sprinking face powder on a pizza. After all, one powder is much like another. Is salt, I ponder, the powder in the can with the girl and the umbrella?

Cheers. Enjoy your aftershocks.

PabloDiablo said...

I love the photoshop of the three stooges, so apt.

I think the zingbot is monitoring your blog. How dare he steal my line about Uncle Fester, and he didn't even give credit to your blog. Robots, they just don't care!

Natalie Sztern said...

I couldn't understand one word the zingbot said

Tallulah Morehead said...

I couldn't understand why a clearly female zingbot wanted a "bride". More on that in my next BB column. Yes, Pablo, I noted he used your Uncle Fester line.

Funniest moment of last night's whole episode was Jordumb not getting her Zing. "Huh?"

Tallulah Morehead said...

And is it my memory, or did the Zingbot have a different voice than in its earlier appearances?

PabloDiablo said...

Gay marriage for Zingbots!

the voice seemed to be higher pitched, maybe they got Ragan to dress up.

Which reminds me, they should have had the saboteur angle this time around. It may have helped to shake things up a bit more.

Too bad that Dani will be leaving tonight as the remaining two stooges will fold completely without her.

PabloDiablo said...

Kalia wins hoh again! Don't blow it this time!

Did you see worthless Adam coming back into the house after the competition swinging his arm as if to say, dagnabit, I lost another pov. Don't worry Adam, nobody is going to put you up being that you are about as threatening as an gnat.

PabloDiablo said...

a gnat

Lana said...

April, I am sure that you were quite startled by the quake. I am in Chicago, and a few years ago we had a little shake, but we were not in the epicenter. I believe Chicago was about 300 miles from the epicenter. It was so minor, I slept through it. Some people felt it and they went on like the world was ending.

Pablo, I totally thought of your Uncle Fester comment when the Zingbot said it to Adam. That was the only comment that the Zingbot said that I understood.

As for Leatherface, seriously, go to a grocery store. She could learn so much. I would love to see her maneuver through a Whole Foods. She wouldn't even know what natural peanut butter is, God forbid almond or cashew butter. That bitch would starve.

There is not one person I want to win. Though, I think it would be funny if Jordumb won again, just because she is so dumb. We all know how stupid the houseguests are...

PabloDiablo said...

Ok I have to post about last night as I know Tallulah will not have something up about it until well after the brunch hour, bless her tireless heart.

I was a bit worried after Kalia won HOH, thinking great she will find a way to screw this one up, but apparently she, Porsche and Leatherface had the strategy worked out ahead of time. Finally, some game play playing out.

As much as we all want to see Voldebitch get voted out I love it that Jeff got the boot and it was extra sweet that it happened as the second part of the double eviction, leaving him and Jordan no time to strategize. A true lightening strike.

Adam annoys me more every day. Could you believe the drama when Chenbot asked him who he would vote to evict? He got all worked up, and I am thinking, oh no, he is going to vote Jeff out, only to say he votes to evict Rachel. Rachel! all that drama for someone you really don't give a rats ass about? What a phony.

Someone needs to remind Kalia that if you get the vote that means your leaving not staying.

Voldebitch - there really is no end to her bottomless pit of a dark black heart. They way she tried to piss off Dani by following her around and grinning at her like a psychotic jack in the box, she can't marry Bukie as she is already the Bride of Chuckie! She really is despicable. And, what a classy exit comment she left for Dani. So proud of herself for being so without any sense of class, taste or decorum.

Jeff after getting voted out acted exactly as expected, the entitled football jock (see the exit interview) who blames everyone else for not bowing down and genuflecting at his own sense of awesomeness. So long hunky monkey, say hi to Dani and Brendan in the jury house.

GardenGuy said...

The Bukie explains picture was classic! You had me laughing out loud again (something I rarely do anymore). Zingbot was definately someone different than in the past. And I too didn't understand a thing it said. Considering Leatherface's severely limited diet and lack of food knowledge it's a little scary that she is feeding kids too. A whole new generation who won't know an avocado if it bit them in the guacamole.

I lived in LA for a few years and went through two 7.0 quakes while I was there. Seriously NOT FUN! and something to be scared of. I now live near Niagara Falls and felt the recent earthquake and thought 'What a cute little tremor." and I was actually holding on to my desk to get as much of a ride from it as I could it was so tame. So yes New York has no clue of what a real earthquake would be like and we should be chastized for panicking.

You know how the white walls of a smoker's house start to look yellow from the tar. I think that same thing is happening to Leatherface's face. She's power smoking so much the tar is sticking.

walja said...

Hello Tallulah, Longtime reader who finally decided to introduce myself in order to pass on rather interesting SURVIVOR News.

Rupert Boneham is actively mulling running for Governor of Indiana under the Libertarian Party Banner.


and the earthquake was devastating to my Aunt Judy & Uncle Jack who live in Mineral Virginia. No one there has earthquake insurance and they live 3 miles from the epicenter. Every room in the house has cracked walls and then Hurricane Irene hit. Bad as Ca. quakes are, your buildings are built with them in mind, and your insurance is purchased with them in mind as well, and i can't recall a hurricane hitting on the heels of any California quake? Not the case in Virginia and the East Coast. Too serious, sorry.

I first started watching Big Brother because of your columns. I was always a Survivor fan but I found you via Survivor, and from there you lead me to Big Brother. So the reason I know who Voldebitch even is, is you Talluah. I forgive you :)

Thank you for your wonderful columns, I watch TV to enhance my enjoyment of them, not the other way around.

Your new friend,


P.S. Count me among those who detests Zingbot because I cannot understand but every 4th word it speaks. But after reading your translation, maybe I am better off not understanding Zingbot, the time is better spent refreshing my cocktail, lol.

xl pharmacy said...

I enjoyed so much reading this post because the pictures are so funny. Thanks for posting this stuff and keep up the good work.

sports handicapping services said...

Nice post, I would like to request you to one more post about that Keep it up