Cornholing.

Am I to believe that no one on the Big Brother staff, no one in the Big Brother house, and no one at CBS Standards and Practices knows what "cornholing" actually means? Hello? It's had its obscene meaning for at least 200 years.

You want some laughs? Check out Lawon's exit interview with The Chenbot online, which never aired. It opens with The Chenbot trying to strangle the idiot. Nothing Lawon says makes any sense. He's a total, drooling moron. He's a Martian, a particularly stupid Martian. He is ready to start PLAYIN' the game now though. "I still I think I won, because I came in the house the same way I was outside of life." (Huh?) What, exactly, is good about that? In any event, Lawon, you did not "win," not ANYTHING!!!! And we learned that Dani, Lawon, Edsel, and Queen Kalia's alliance has a name: "The Pajama Jammers." No wonder they're all too embarrassed to say it on TV, except Lawon.It's perfectly clear that nothing can embarrass Lawon, short of dressing well.

Well, whatever went wrong this last week, at least Bukie is gone to the Jury House, though utterly gone would be better. This is another reason they should have evicted Voldebitch weeks ago. Now, even when she's out, she'll still be on the jury, and I'll still have to see, and worse, hear the hideous bitch.

The problem with the soap suds challenge is we watch this show to see the players play dirty, not clean. It is, of course, great fun to watch the players fall on their asses, though sadly, no serious injuries. But it was pretty obvious even before last Thursday's episode ended that Homophobic Asshole (A man who thinks cornholers shouldn't educate kids) was going to win HOH, and the instant it ended, I went online and found out that, yup, he did. But did Voldebitch or Leatherface choke to death on suds, or break a limb falling over? Sadly, so, so sadly, no. (The tricky part was the poor CBS show staff who had to dangle large, rabid dogs over the challenge, to drool foam on them.)


Voldebitch: "Rachel is back!" Boobiac, you never left! Go away. dig a hole, crawl in, and pull the dirt in over you.

"I'm probably the only person in the house who knows what a dishwasher is," said the woman who has no idea what an avocado is, and thinks Guacamole is some rare, "weird," exotic dish. Where do they find these people? Edsel has never tasted an onion, and Leatherface has no idea what an avocado is, nor what a "moral scruple" is either. I guess she's not interested in foods she can't go out and kill. On the plus side, since avocados and guacamole are delicious, the fact that Leatherface has missed out pleases me. What does she eat? Pig intestines? If so, watch out Voldebitch! (I used to grow yummy avocados on trees in my yard, and by me, I mean my staff.)

I'm sure Voldebitch knows what a dishwasher is: "The Hispanic guy who works in the kitchen, but isn't a cook." And I 'm certain Boobiac has washed dishes. It's how she pays for restaurant meals at restaurants that don't take blow-jobs in place of cash.

Voldebitch: "I like a foam party just as much as the next girl, but I don't know if I can handle this much foam." OK, Leatherface (who is the next girl) doesn't know what avocados are, and I have no idea what a "Foam Party" is. Cujo's birthday celebration? Maybe Voldebitch's tricks are so afraid of catching arcane diseases from the shrill trollop that they won't let her touch them naked unless they are both covered in antiseptic soap studs. She should be sterilized before every use, or better yet, cauterized.

When Jordumb predictably fell on her tiny butt (vanishing completely into the mountains of suds) Leatherface helped her up. You wana play boy scout, Rawhyde-puss, or do you want to win Big Brother? Because you need to win HOH. Did you see Homophobic Asshole, who thinks he loves Jordumb, and who constantly tells us how the pathetic child is "a little cutie," stop to help her? No. And who won HOH? Homophobic Asshole.

Dani expressed doubt that Queen Kalia has ever washed a dish in her life. Queens have kitchen maids for that sort of drudgery. I have my doubts that Queen Kalia has ever eaten off a dish before. Kalia may not be smart, but she is a lousy competitor. Kalia, of course, blamed Dani's cheer leading for her ultra-lame performance. Queenie, if you were a competitor, you would tune everything out, and play the challenge to win! Kalia is pathetic. Quit blaming others for your lousy game play. The I-hope-Edsel-will-win-HOH "strategy" didn't really pan out, Edsel having won so far - ah - oh yes, nothing!

Fierce competitor Voldebitch, decided her strategy would be to cheer on Homophobic Asshole rather than play to win.

Voldebitch: "Come on girls, at least when you win, I pretend like I'm happy." This was the biggest single lie anyone has told in the house all summer. Pouting, sobbing, having tantrums, getting all weepy in the bushes, so Bukie has to talk her down from near-suicide is her "pretending like I'm happy"? How does she express misery? Firebombing Tripoli?

The worst thing about Homophobic Asshole winning HOH is that getting rid of, or better yet, killing, Voldebitch is not a priority with him. Leatherface now loathes Boobiac, but it's too little too late. I will never come to like Leatherface. Likewise Voldebitch is sick of Leatherface, and "had enough of her fake attitude." Oh that's the deepest cave in the world calling the Sun "dark." I've had enough of Voldebitch's fake boobs, fake hair, fake laugh, and fake education. (But I've had enough of Leatherface too. It's double-eviction week. Wouldn't it be great if Leatherface and Voldebitch both went? Please, please, please. Next week is my kitty cat's 14th birthday. Do it for my pussy.)

Dani thinking her "deal" with Jordumb and Homophobic Asshole means anything is purest wishful stupidity. Has she ever met her own father?

I liked that even Homophobic Asshole now knows that the answer to "Who wants to see my HOH room?" is always "No one!" Can we retire that ritual now, please? Even the players are sick of it. Apparently Jordumb has been teaching Homophobic Asshole's neices how to spell.

Leatherface decided, apropos of nothing, to go gratuitously start another fight with Voldebitch. This is a woman who would stamp on Godzilla's tail, and yell: "You call that levelling a city? My granny eats cities better than you do, and she's only radioactive after she eats baked beans!" And the substance of her complaint? She wanted Boobiac to stop "making eyes" at her. Of all Voldebitch's many great Crimes Against Humanity, making eyes at Leatherface is low on the list. After all, looking at Leatherface won't give Voldebitch any pleasure - nor anyone else. She's a sight to make eyes sore. I loved Boobiac's lame defense: "Shelley, I haven't been talking about you to anyone --- --- --- like recently." (By "like recently," she means since Leatherface, like, entered the, like, room.

Okay, Leatherface likes peanut butter. Many otherwise-sane people do. She likes English muffins. So do I. But she claims to be 40, for Heaven's sake (which means she's 55), and she eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Yuck! Even at 8 years old, that made me bilious. But she likes it. Fine. Eat it, but you might at least TRY sampling other foods offered you. Even being from The South is no excuse for picking up a pear and having to ask "What is this?" I don't much like pears, though they are preferable to even the world's finest apricot or nectarine, but I friggin' know one when I see one. She called pears and avocados "weird foods." Leatherface, what's weird is a woman of 55-but-admitting-to-40 not recognizing a pear, and eating peanut butter and jelly. Maybe if she'd gotten some decent nutrition at some point in her life, she wouldn't have skin that would shame an alligator. (But she only eats peanut butter she herself has killed.)

I was eating an egg salad sandwich when I saw that "America" had voted to allow Have-Nots to eat hard-boiled eggs. Homophpobic Asshole picking The House Stooges, I mean the remaining Pajama Jammers, to be the Have-Nots was kind of funny in a sick way, or would be if it didn't forbode his nominations. (I was waiting for Leatherface to say: "What is an 'egg'?" We don't have 'eggs' in The South. It's Yankee food, suh!" She should love avocados. They used to be called "alligator pears," and she's now seen what pears look like, and she has skin like that of an alligator with bad skin.) Queen Kalia told us of Jalapenos: "I physically can not eat them!" Can she eat them spiritually? How about metaphysically? How about stuffing some up her over-abundant ass? It's not like she's being forced to eat something "weird" like a pear.

The table got smaller. Whoopie. I could spend this time watching old George Burns & Gracie Allen TV shows.

Dani: "I'm not stupid." Well, not compared to Jordumb or Lawon, but she's never going to get her doctorate any more than Bukie ever will.

Homophobic Asshole was pretty funny, when Edsel came up to talk game, being sarcastically impressed that she was ready to start playin' this game, 49 days in.

He nominated Queen Kalia and Edsel, planning on backdooring Daniele. Well, maybe the double eviction on Thursday will get one of these stones out of my gall bladder.

Oh, and all you New Yorkers squawking about the earthquake there yesterday? Shut up. Less than a Richter 6, with the epicenter several states away in Virginia? Puh-leaze. Here in California, that's not an earthquake, merely a vibrator that got left on. Wake me when you get a real earthquake.

Until then, Cheers darlings.