Friday, August 26, 2011

Double, Double, Toil and Troubles, Dani Burns and Jordumb Bubbles.

Well, this Thursday's show was the most (first) really entertaining episode all summer. Power rocked back and forth, and unlikely were the outcomes. (And nothing more unlikely than who won the second HOH after the show ended, but for the sake of spoiler avoiders, we'll save that for a later column.)

But before Thursday came Wednesday.

Both Homophobic Asshole and Voldebitch endlessly say they respect "Players," and want to oust "Floaters." So what did H.A. and Boobiac do? Voted out Major Player Daniele, and left Major Floaters Edsel and Knobby the Big Brother House Elf.

Why would Daniele even consider throwing the POV competition? Trusting Homophobic Asshole would be a stupid thing to do. Getting rid of her is both his right move strategically, and also his right move vengeance-wise.

Ah Knobby, what a great deal-maker! His offer to Homophobic Asshole between clouds of cigarette smoke (I've seen more smoking on this show this summer than I've seen in real life this summer. I know like one person who still smokes, and he lives in Minnesota.) was that IF he won the POV, he would let Homophobic Asshole make him his bitch. And he'd also let H.A. have the first-born offspring of the monkeys that will fly out his ass if he wins the POV competition. But H.A. already has Jordumb.

Voldebitch's verbal torture of Daniele, with its peculiar obsession about turning 25, which appeared to be pure juvenile verbal harassment and overwhelmingly petty personal vengeance, was, I believe, also strategic, as a way of getting Daniele off her game before the POV challenge, and it was quite effective. My favorite moment was Voldebitch's: "One time when I turned 25, like last year..."

"One time"? How many times has she turned 25? And "like last year"? In other words: "One of the many times I turned 25, like when I turned 25 last year, for the 8th consecutive time, I..." To paraphrase Oscar Wilde: "Las Vegas Society is full of VIP-Waitress/Whores of the very lowest emotional maturity who, of their own free will, have remained 25 for years. Lady Voldebitch is a case in point. To my own knowledge, she has been 25 ever since arriving at the age of 40, and that was many years ago now."

Boobiac: "Do you hate me? I already know he answer to that." Yes and yes. That is truly a question she should never ask anyone. When Jordumb, who has the mind of a slow child, is more emotionally mature than you are, you are a mess.

Daniele on Voldebitch not getting selected to play in the POV competition: "The look on her face alone was enough of a win for me." Not really, as things turned out.

I see that several of my readers who leave comments have stated that they could not understand anything the Zingbot said. Now I find the Zingbot dreadfully tiresome. I'm sorry; I'm funnier. (It didn't dare steal from me, but it stole one from regular commenter "Pablo Diablo". Hey Zingy, get your own act!) However, I had no trouble understanding what he said: so I'll transcribe his zingers for the sake of those to whom it was just a whine. (And why would they take its voice up an octave for a "Build Zingbot a Bride" competition? They must have been building a lesbian fembot, to celebrate Gay Marriage in New York. How ironic that Homophobic Asshole won it. He made a lesbian fembot faster than anyone. I'll bet he's made Lesbians out of many fems who were not Lesbians when they first met him. Jordumb certainly seems to be getting closer to Boobiac these days for no good reason. Hmmmm.)

"You say 'Mischievous,"
And I say 'Mis-CHEEV-e-ous.'

You say 'vertiginous,'
And I say 'Huh?'
Mischievous, Mis-CHEEV-e-ous,
Vertiginous, Huh,
Let's call the whole thing off."

Yes. Let's. (And it's "mischievous." You can take the hick out of the back woods, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.)

Queen Kalia had a "good feeling" that the POV challenge would be "something that we're good at." So the competition would be about sucking at Big Brother? The amount of actual information about the upcoming challenge contained in Queen Kalia's "good feeling" was "Zero." As for it's accuracy rating: also "Zero." It was jigsaw puzzle-solving in three-dimentions, and you both sucked at it harder than Voldebitch after receiving a $300 tip from a Japanese businessman who just sat through a Seigfried & Roy performance and now wants relief!

When the Zingbot 3000 entered the
Big Brother House, it committed a terrible crime; it upstaged Voldebitch. She Who Will Not Just Be Ignored could not stand that the Zingbot was the immediate Center-of-Attention, her rightfully-born throne, so she tried to claim attention back from the usurper, by chiming in: "Zing me!" This produced something you do not see every day: a robot having an awkward moment. Zingbot had a script to deliver, and Zingbot is not to be tricked into delivering his material out of order. Zingbot's act has "structure." Zingbot has never worked The Comedy Store Main Room at midnight on a winter Wednesday night, for 7 drunk hecklers. I have. Zingbot just stared, wishing it had Gort's death ray from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Zingy, we all feel that way when looking at, or worse, hearing Voldebitch, but what can you do? (Seriously, WHAT can you do?)

Zingbot: "Hey Jeff, 1995 called; they want their soul patch back." Hey Zingbot, 1985 called, and it wants its tired, outdated "so-and-so called" joke-set-up back. Will your next zinger feature "Knock-knock?" or "You may be a redneck if.."? Everyone laughed as though this was funny. Also, "1995" would be an "It," not a "They." Zing!

Zingbot: "Hey Portia, shouldn't you be named for a car with a roomier trunk?" This joke would work better if there were a car called "Portia," but there isn't. There is a car called "Porsche," but that's not what he said. And she should be named for a topless convertable, because she has nothing up top. Zing!

Zingbot: "Rachel, every other word out of your mouth is the F-word: fiance, fiance." That was the best it could do for Voldebitch? That's like zinging Hitler with a joke about waking up hungover and accidentally using his mustache for a toothbrush. There are, shall we say, richer lodes to mine in Boobiac.

Zingbot: "Daniele, do you own a car? Or do you still prefer to just ride your daddy's coattails?" The horribly mangled metaphor in this lame joke left me with an image of Evel Dick racing down the 405 Freeway on foot, running as fast as he can, with Daniele hanging on to his coattails (which means I see him dressed in a swallowtail frock coat from about 80 years ago) for dear life, as she is battered along the concrete, her dragging, bloody legs in constant danger of being run over and pulped by passing cars. Also, there are too many words in the joke, and a needlessly split infinitive. The joke should be: "Daniele, do your own a car, or do you prefer riding Daddy's coattails?" It's still not funny, and the metaphor is still mangled, but it's more concise and has better comic rhythm.

I'm not going to bother quoting his previously-mentioned, Knobby-is-Uncle Fester joke. Go read the original joke in the comments here a few entries back.

Zingbot: "Shelley, what do you call someone who likes to smoke, hunt, and fish? A dude." Okay, that was a bit funny. A dude who is a jerk, I should add. Her loves are all killing: hunting is killing animals, fishing is killing fish, and smoking is killing Leatherface. Puff, fella, puff! Smoke more! (And unsurprisingly, Leatherface's Diary Room rejoinder was her wish she had a gun from her personal arsenal to shoot Zingbot with, and kill some working-for-scale day player inside it, overhwelmingly hot. Killing, that's Leatherface's idea of a good time.)

Zingbot: "Kalia, you write a sex blog, but you seem to be an expert on the thing done after sex, like sleeping." What a long way to go for such a limp joke. Before it got to its sleeping joke (and you have to be a relentless feeds watcher to know that Queen Kalia, like most house pussies, spends 85% of her time asleep), I had finished four other jokes using all or part of this Dostoevskian set-up line:

"Kalia, you write a sex blog. If there's two things you know nothing about, it's writing and sex."

"Kalia, you write a sex blog. Is it called 'Sex For Dummies'?"

"Kalia, you seem to be a expert on what you do after sex: grabbing a sixpack, and watching TV."

"Kalia, this week you seem to be an expert on the things you do after sex, rolling over and going home."

Zingbot: "Hey Jordan; the only reason Jeff hasn't proposed yet is because he knows you're terrible at answering questions." Again, a long, long way to go for an extemely tiny excuse for a joke. Jordan couldn't possibly be expected to follow a sentence with that many words in it, and sure enough, she nodded off during her own zinger. Her response to her zinger, "Wait, what?", was the single funniest moment in the entire hour.

Bride of Zingbot will never make anyone forget James Whale's masterpiece, Bride of Frankenstein, but as a tribute to last weekend's Khardasian wedding, it was fully appropriate, as Kim is made up wholly of artificial parts also. And of course, The Chenbot is a Fembot herself. And it was a good and difficult challenge. You couldn't float through this one. I'd be curious to know what Homophobic Asshole's winning time was. My guess: 72 hours. (And he was still three days ahead of Jordumb.)

Knobby didn't bother to try to win, just futzed around. I'm deeply shocked. Of course, if Homophobic Asshole was serious about sending Floaters home, Knobby would be well-advised to win POV. Plus demonstrating that he can actually win something (Remember, his previous POV "win" was Daniele deciding to let him win.), might give his deal proposals some small element of credibility, since they always hinge on "If I win HOH..." or "If I win POV..." or "If dinosaurs return and eat Cleveland..."

Queen Kalia: "The problem for me is that all the pieces look alike." So this wasn't a problem for anyone else? This isn't a basic aspect of blank jigsaw puzzles generally? Queen Kalia's idea of a puzzle is: which shoes to wear with her purse.

If only Bukie were here to play this challenge; he would have assembled the Fembot that would have cured cancer! Thanks for nothing, CBS

Leatherface intentionally tanked it too. She doesn't "make." She destroys.

Unfortunately, after the challenge, we went on watching the contestants kissing Homophobic Asshole's asshole, instead of watching Zingbot "interface" with Fembot on their wedding night. As some of the more-smug-looking ladies working at Disneyland could tell you but won't because it would get them fired, sex with audio-animatronic robots is incredible. As long as they're plugged in, they keep right on going, plus they vibrrate on nine different speed settings, from "Mild Temblor" to "Puree." Those three Johnny Depp robots in the Pirates of the Carrabean ride get more action than the real Johnny Depp does, and the two robot Harrison Fords in the Indiana Jones ride were nearly dismantled for doing gay robot porn videos under fake names.

Edsel heats a thing that holds her head up? Is her neck too weak to do the job itself from undereating, or has she never learned how to operate her neck?

Queen Kalia tried throwing Edsel under a bus, which sounds like three freeway lanes clogged up for two hours. In trying to aim Homophobic Asshole in his stated direction of going affter Floaters, she said: "It really bothers me that I could leave before someone who has done literally nothing." Whereas Queen Kalia has only done nearly nothing. She did have a week as HOH where she screwed up royally and massively. Of course, H.A. doesn't know it yet, but he's screwing up pretty fiercely by not taking her deal. He'll be regretting it to The Chenbot fairly soon.

So Homophobic Asshole pulled down Edsel and put up Daniele, and her goose was thorougly cooked. The Floaters chances of making it to the end increased exponentially.

Apparently Leatherface and Homophobic Asshole had a huge fight Thursday morning, when it was too late to edit into the show. I hope we see it on Sunday.

The great things about the double eviction episodes is that they are fast-paced, with all the fat trimmed, and secondly, the game gets really unpredictable. This was a satisfying hour with genuine suspense.

Queen Kalia wept crocodile tears over having to turn on Daniele. Oh boo-hoo. Tell it to Leatherface, Misstress of Crocodile Tears.

Daniele managed to move Leatherface into actively working to keep her in. But, after another bout of her Diary Room crocodile tears, her highly-resistable force met a truly-immovable object: Knobby's intense stupidity, and his hero worship of Homophobic Asshole. Knobby's tastes are appalling: "Metal" (among my favorite minerals), Torie Spelling, bacon, hollering, early heart failure, Evel Dick, Homophobic Asshole, being lame. Leatherface spelled out the whole logical case for why he is a fool to support the surviving Vets any longer, and he smiled , nodded, and, like any blob at rest, would not move.

Leatherface tried turning Voldebitch against Homophobic Asshole. When did they become buds again? Last I heard, they hated each other.

Daniele, whose fate hung in a precarious balance already, made a keep-me speech that consisted of berating players, ala Dominic earlier on. It was really a vote-me-out speech. What was she thinking?

Queen Kalia's speech was much, much shorter, and even dumber: "Vote for me!" No, you idiot. You want them to vote for Daniele! It's an eviction vote, not an awarding-the-prize vote. You just asked everyone to vote you out.

Daniele informed The Chenbot that she is "not a coaster," so the Chenbot had to place her coffee cup on someone else. Oh Knobby!

In her classy farewell speech, Boobiac told Daniele that she, Daniele, is a bitch. I can't choose from the 400 remarks this triggers in my mind, so insert your own irony here.

The first HOH challenge was a mental challenge, yet Jordumb came within a hair's breadth of winning it. Had the last question gone the other way, the situation in the house would be a hell of a lot different now. But Queen Kalia took it, and enacted Daniele's Revenge, consequences be damned!

The poor players only had one commercial break to kiss Kalia's ass. Fortunately, her ass is so huge that they could double, and even triple, up.

Voldebitch didn't even bother trying to kiss Kalia's ass. If ever there were a lost cause. Homophobic Asshole and Voldebitch went up. On to the live HOH competition. Wow. Suspense!

But it was looking for giant clown shoes in a tub of colored balls? Is this a challenge for adults, or a game for a 7 year-old's birthday party? (Wouldn't Voldebitch have an advantage? After all, she uses clown shoes for bra cups.) This competition was so easy, Edsel won it, and she's still afraid of clowns.

Edsel wisely left the nominations as they were, despite Homophobic Asshole reminding Edsel that he used the POV to save her earlier in this column. The Queen of Evil vs the Last Athlete Standing. Although I would have preferred Voldebitch be evicted, or burned at the stake, there's little doubt that it's best for everyone except Jordumb that it was H.A. who hit the highway.

Think about it. Now left we have Queen Kalia bonded tightly with Edsel, and apparently with Leatherface, though how firm that is depends on whom the next HOH is (It's...), since Miss Naugahyde of 2011 goes where the power goes. Then you have Jordumb and Voldebitch clinging to each other, Jordumb the Stan Laurel of the two, she knows she's a fool, and Boobiac is the Oliver Hardy, who thinks she's a whole lot smarter than she ever actually is. And then there's Knobby, the last man standing. (God, what a bad season for men on this show), who, if he can be trusted to vote with them, makes it three-to-three, but Knobby's ideas of self-interest (which are unrelated to what is actually good for him, see his bacon-love) will also sway in the breeze. So the good thing is, the rest of this season could go either way. It's unpredictable again. The bad thing is, there's no one there I want to see win. I'm rooting against
all of them!

Knobby looked ready to cry over choosing which of these two close, personal friends, who barely speak to him and view him with barely-concealed contempt, to vote out.

Homophobic Asshole's speech was all trying to talk Leatherface into voting for him over whatever their fight was about.

And then, to make it still more suspenseful, it was a tie: Jordumb and Knobby voted for Voldebitch, while Edsel and Leatherface voted for Homophobic Asshole. This left it up to Queen Kalia to complete Daniele's Revenge. I so hoped for Voldebitch, but I can't fault her for throwing out H.A.

Homophobic Asshole's classy statement that "no one in there has a sac," is literally true. There are five women and Knobby, who has shown again and again that he lacks any balls whatever. H.A.'s comment was meant as railing against Floaters, but he didn't evict floaters. He talks, talks, talks one game, and plays, plays, plays a different one.

As always, Voldebitch's tears are ambrosia. Let us savor them for a few days. Cheers darlings.


PabloDiablo said...

Woke up this morning got my cappuccino, logged and to my everlasting delight another BB synopsis from Tallulah. A near perfect Saturday morning. Great write up, I agree it was the best episode of the season.

I have been cheating by looking at one of the BB blogs that carries news of the live streaming and apparently there has now been another twist. I find it interesting that every time the newbies get one up on the vets there is something that happens that gets the wind back in the vet sails. Tallulah darling I know what you have said about tampering with the competition and it makes sense, but can the producers play with the timing of when they are going to introduce twists or other events into the game that could have a more positive effect for certain players or do the twists have to be planned out in advance and that schedule adhered to?

Of the remaining players the one that annoys me the least is Porsche, maybe because she has uttered less than 10 lines the whole season. Knobby (Uncle Fester!) might just have a shot at winning this thing. If he makes it to the final two most of the vets will probably vote him the winner just because of their hate for the other players, assuming of course that Voldebitch and Jordumb are eliminated before him. As awful as he is at competitions he might just pull one out of his flabby ass and at this stage just one HOH or POV will go a long way.

I am glad Jeff is out (the HA bully got what was coming to him and what he would have had no problem doing to anyone else) and apparently that has really brought out the uber beyatch in Jordumb who is having crying/screaming fits at Shelly. Love it! Ahh yes the delicious schadenfruede feast of tears. Yum yum!!!

Natalie Sztern said...

if I was one of those to whom you were referring re Zingbot then I am sorry I made u type the script and life was better not knowing...why is it I can predict the end of any Reality show that is a competition? Is it the editing to make u think the most impossible would be the winner? Although Expedition was the best edited show because who I thought would win didnt win - so good for the editing staff for giving a true and realistic edit and end to a good show.
Back to Big Brother: prediciton...Rachel will wind up alongside a newbie and the vote will go for Rachel if they vote game play and not likeability...

oh and I was right about Rachel on a Wedding show just the wrong show...

GardenGuy said...

Thank goodness you gave us some real zingers. Zingbot was lame enough when I didn't understand it. Geez!

I think Jordumb may have been crying more over feeling betrayed by Leatherface than by HA leaving.

It's nice that the show is getting interesting again but I too don't have anyone to root for - Edsel is the least offensive by virtue of haveing the least screen time. And if someone as stupid as Jordumb can win then I suppose Edsel could too.

I just saw an ad for the upcoming season of Survivor and yet again they are bringing back veterans - It looks like we'll get the pleasure of watching a deluded Coach. (As long as he doesn't start laughing like voldebitch, I guess I can tune out his metaphysical BS.)

Lana said...

Oh Big Brother and the twists. Talluah, I think you may be having a conniption after watching Wednesday's show.

Pablo, I read about the newest twist. Maybe if Edsel ignored it, everything would have stayed the same? I also wonder if there is a set schedule for the twists. Though to play devil's advocate, this would have been the only week that they could have introduced this one to us.

After watching Sunday's show, as I am throwing up a little in my mouth, I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO WRITE THIS, I was actually proud of Boobiac for staying out of the drama and pulling Jordumb away from the altercation with Leatherface. Boy does Leatherface love to stir up drama.

On another note, as much as I cannot stomach Leatherface, the crazy BB fans are psychotic for threatening her family. Take BB for what it is - mindless entertainment. Sure the things we say are in jest, but for people to actually call the families and their employers and make threats crosses the line. The sad thing about this, is that this isn't the first time it has happened, and most likely won't be the last.

P.S. Tallulah, I was one of the fools that could not understand the Zingbot's comments. I am sorry that I made you relive that crap.

P.P.S. I received your book and have started to read it. Since I have work wonky hours, I haven't gotten through a lot of the book. I am enjoying reading about the development of the fantastic Tallulah. Her sassiness started pretty much from the womb!

Dave in San Diego said...

Another very funny, thorough and incisive column. Congrats to Pablo Diablo for his Uncle Fester line and thanks to TM for giving him the appropriate credit. Enjoyed the alternate Zingbot jokes. Imagine if BB actually had a professional humor writer on board. Or a comedian for a host instead of the poor excuse they currently have. On one of my fan forums some posters continue to critique me for my dislike of Jeff's bully and jerk behavior. In their mind Jeff and Jordan can do no wrong. I know my fellow posters on this blog are not among the current nonsense going on with Shelly but nonetheless, no matter how Jeff behaves, they are there to defend it. Which reminds me, did you notice when Jeff exited how he greeted the audience. A very good graphic by TM sums it up. The guy is just an A hole. I can't believe he started talking about being a football player and having a sack. He seems preoccupied with having a sack and sacks in general. Which makes me wonder. Anyway, thanks again Tallulah for the laughs.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Well the horrors of this week were initiated by idiot Edsel herself. She was too stupid and too greedy not to open Pandora's Box, so she has only herself to blame. But while we will not lose Voldebitch this week, the fact is, no matter who leaves, it's good riddance.

I never called any one "fools" for Not being able to understand Zingbot's jokes, which were not worth straining to hear anyway. I merely noted that several posters had said they couldn't, and I provided my service, as they were all clear to me. What I could not understand was the show using his lame material.

On the one hand, the show has finally become unpredictable. I have no idea who will win. On the other hand, I don't care who will win, as there is no one left in there I would not prefer to see lose.

Lana, Boobiac's decision to "stay out" of the insane argument below might have been far more admirable if she herself hadn't started it. She lit the fuse and the ran off to enjoy the explosion from a safe distance. I was more taken by her demonstration of her statement that she ALWAYS "pretends to be happy" when someone else wins HOH. So her and Jordumb's wailng, crying, gnashing of teeth pity party was "pretending to be happy"?

The threats to Leatherface's family cross a line all right, the line being legality. That sort of thing is a serious crime. It's also insane. What do they hope to accomplish? The folks who will decide who leaves and when are in the house, sequestered from knowledge of the threats. Remember 10 years ago, when they had to tell the houseguests about 9-11, because they were the only people on earth who know nothing of it? The houseguests do not know about the east coast earthquake, Hurricane Irene, or anything else. The threats are pointless, because they do not reach the ones the threats are intended to influence.

Also, it's a bad idea to threaten the family of someone who kills for fun. Leatherface, when she does learn of it, will be sore annoyed, and may well seek out, hunt down, and shoot the miscreants herself. In any event, Leatherface's family have trouble enough. They're stuck with Leatherface in their family.

But what can you expect from people who LIKE Homophoboic Asshole? They're already crackpots, even without making insane threats.

Lana said...

Tallulah, I did not mean to insinuate that you were calling any of us who could not understand the Zingbots remarks fools. I was just calling myself one, because I was too lazy to rewind my DVR. I also apologize to anyone on the blog who may have taken it that way. I was having an after work whiskey, or two, while writing my comments.

I enjoy this blog because we can write our opinions and not be bashed for not agreeing on everything. Though it seems, that we are a pretty smart bunch.

I did have to chuckle about threatening a person who kills for sport. Could you imagine Leatherface taking out the people and adding their heads to the collection of animal heads that she most likely has hanging in game room?

Lana said...

Sorry typos:

Zingbot's; and
in HER game room.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Yes, Leatherface will finally get to become her hero, Count Zaroff in The Most Dangerous Game.

PabloDiablo said...

Notice how they edited last nights show to make it look like Leatherface has a shot at not getting voted out tonight? I can't believe for a minute that Voldebitch and Jordumb are going to forgive her and vote out Knobby. You don't mess with the cool girls clique and get away with it, ciao leatherface see in the jury house.

aprilinva said...

Hi, everyone. You may remember I am in Virginia. Almost immediately after our earthquake, we experienced Hurricane Irene and most of us have been without electricity for some time now. A cooler of vodka and ice and a good martini shaker got me through the worst of it.

I had a friend over last night who has never watched Big Brother. As she viewed the spectacle with me and asked her questions, she commented, "Who is that old woman? The one who looks like a man. She looks like she's had a rough life, poor thing."

When I explained that Shelly claimed to be only 41, my friend was incredulous. I laughed and laughed and vodka came out of both of our noses.

Tallulah Morehead said...

What a waste of good vodka!

PabloDiablo said...

Also, how many different bacon t-shirts does Knobby own? Maybe if he spent less time eating bacon and more time getting into shape (had to laugh when he talked about missing HA as his workout partner) he might be able to hold onto his dummy longer then 5 minutes. Pathetic, he is too pathetic for words.