The Man Who Won't Be King.

Today is the 60th birthday of Chuckie Saxe-Coburg, who is better known by his Secret Identity: Charles Windsor, Prince of Whales. Chuck and I are old friends. In fact, for all I know, he may even be one of my ex-husbands, although I've never heard anyone say he was gay, despite his claim to be English. He's really German, which may explain it. Does anyone keep track of his marriages?

Prince Chuck and I bonded deeply because we share something profound. We have both spent most of our lives waiting for our mothers to die. I know I spent all my life looking forward to my mother's death with the sort of excited, joyous anticipation with which a child looks forward to Christmas. I was lucky; sometime during World War II, my mother finally had the good taste to die.(Death was all the rage during World War II. Simply everyone was doing it. Weirdest fad of all time, even weirder than the popularity of Hula hoops and the music of Yanni.)

Chuckie's mother however, is a disagreeable old queen who refuses to die. Hmmm. Maybe I was married to her! An awful lot of my husbands were disagreeable old queens. But are they still my ex-husbands, now that The Mormon Church has outlawed Gay Marriages in California, that is, unless the gays are marrying two or three other people? The Mormons are determined to stop this monogamy thing in its tracks, and return America to decent Traditional Plural Marriage.

You see, Chuck's chosen profession is King of England, and he can't be King until his mother dies. And his Mother's Mother, The Queen Mother (sounds like my first mother-in-law) lived to be 712. Charles is 60, and he's still waiting to get his career started. Talk about failure to launch!

Which is not to say that Charles's life has been devoid of honor. Here is the highlight of his life so far: when he was Royally Presented at Court to Dame Edna and her bridesmaid and constant travelling companion, Madge Allsop. Did Charles abuse his glamour to take sexual advantage of Madge, and let her handle The Crown Jewels? Well, when I asked Madge where the Tower of London was, she pointed to Chuck's pants. (The correct answer is "London.") Besides, why else would he have later taken a fancy to Camilla Parker-Bowles, who makes Madge look like a glamourpuss?

Looking at Chuck now, you'd be hard pressed to remember the adorable little boy the whole world fell in love with back around the time Little Dougie was born, The Little Prince. Unlike Antoine St. Exupery's Little Prince, who lived all alone on Asteroid B-612, the real Prince Chuck was far more isolated. Basically, as he complained to the press about in later years, he mostly saw his warmth-free parents at formal photo opportunities.

It can't have been easy, growing up in a goldfish bowl: his mother a cold fish German relative of Kaiser Wilhelm, the man who made war on his cousin's adopted country back in 1914, and also made me his Love Slave (As told in detail in Chapter 8, I Lick The Kaiser!, of my award-adjacent autobiography My Lush Life.), his father a Greek sailor and boob given to Deep Throating his own foot to a degree that would shame even Soon-To-Be-Ex-Faux-President Bush. Prince Phillip, when speaking publicly, can get his foot into his mouth all the way to the knee! What a happy family in Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle, like The Addams Family with posh accents. In America, a man's home is his castle. In Britain, a man's home is The National Trust.

Chuck was married to a real Princess (What a coincidence!), named Lady Di, which she did, but not before giving birth to two sons, both of whom are far more attractive than Dad ever was. Then, tiring of being married to a beautiful woman, Chuck took his romantic life in an entirely different direction, and married Camilla Parker-Bowles, a woman less attractive than Buddy Hackett. (She's not as funny either.)It's amazing what waiting 60 years to get your career started can do to you. Just ask Little Dougie. He's only two years younger than Chuck, and his career still hasn't gone anywhere either. Dougie's mother has died, but it hasn't helped.

In any event, Chuckie's mother, Her Majesty Queen Helen Elizabeth Mirrin, was delighted by her new daughter-in-law, much in the same way that Hilary was delighted by the nomination going to Barack O'Bama, blessings and peace be upon him.

I read where Chuck sleeps in the nude. Poor Camilla. And he's a fan of the Harry Potter books and movies, which may explain why he keeps pointing symphony conductor batons at Queen Helen and shouting "Avada Kedavra!", only to learn that it doesn't work without CGI. He used to read a lot of Dickens, but he kept saying things like "Oliver Twist you lucky bastard!" Chuckie's been stuck with Great Expectations a long time now.

Living with a queen can be difficult, believe me, I know, and waiting for a stubborn old Mother to die is no picnic either; just ask our nearly-ex-faux-president. Babs Bush, who is every bit as unpleasant and self-entitled as Queen Elizabeth Mirrin, is bionic, and can't die. As Igor once said to Basil Rathbone in Son of Frankenstein: "He can not be killed! Can not die! Your father made him live for alvays!"

You know what The British Royal Family needs? Term limits! We're about to be rid of Dubya and acquire President O'Bama, blessings and peace be upon him, because Dubya can't be president anymore! Sadly for Prince Chuckie, Queen Liz is like evil, nasty old Chief Justice Antonin Scalia; The Constitution make him live for alvays!


Antonin Scalia staying in office for as long as Queen Liz; that's scarier than any Frankenstein movie ever made!

Cheers darlings. And Happy Birthday Prince Chuckie.