Thursday, November 6, 2008

Klondike Sarah

Gentlemen, start your blaming! Let the recriminations begin!

The first odd thing came a few minutes after the election was called for O'Bama. The network anchor said that, in a few minutes, Sarah Palin would address the crowd in Arizona.

Whaaa? Since when does the losing Vice Presidential candidate make a concession speech? Since never, that's when. Stand silently at the back of the platform, watching respectfully, showing humility, that's what they do.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, John McCain came out and gave the best speech he's given in 8 years, while his trophy wife and his trophy running mate stood in the background, saying nothing, as McCain reminded us of the class he used to have, and his supporters reminded us of what bitter dickwads they remained. Nothing further was said about Palin making a speech.

So today, The Blame Game kicked into The Lightning Round. Somebody had to be responsible for the McCain campaign losing the election. Well frankly, there's plenty of blame to go around, although Dubya, Dick Cheney, and Barrack O'Bama strike me as the primary architects of McCain's humiliation.

But folks from the McCain campaign, who learned taking responsibility from Karl Rove and Homer Simpson ("This is everybody's fault but mine!" - Homer Simpson.), all believe that God gave them fingers so they could point them at others. It couldn't be their war hero candidate's fault, although their "He suffered horrors on behalf of America. He should get The Presidency as an automatic reward." concept turned out not to fly. (Turns out others suffered horrors in Vietnam also. Where's their presidencies? The soldiers suffering horrors in Iraq aren't even getting proper medical care, thanks to Dubya.) We all respect what John McCain endured. He's earned a comfortable retirement. And given that the hot wife he dumped his disfigured first wife for has more money than Roy E. Disney and George Lucas combined, I'd say that when he retires, it will be unbelievably comfortable. The hard part will be figuring which of his palaces to go home to each night.

But there was a handy scapegoat standing beside him: Sarah Palin. There's no question she hurt the campaign immeasurably. She was intended to attract disgruntled ex-Hilary supporters whose votes were purely gender-based, ideology be damned, an insane concept, and to attract the evangelicals and extreme right-wing nutjobs who had been Bush's core supporters. Well, she did attract the religious idiots, but no one else.

It turned out there was another constituency they had all forgotten about: reasonable, intelligent conservatives.(Yes, they exist. I've met at least two over the last 111 years.) And by the busload, Sarah Palin's nutball antics, displays of awesome ignorance, her hillbillies-in-Sak's-with-a-credit-card clothes-spending-sprees, and her off-putting baseless arrogance drove conservative voters over to O'Bama, where they cast very reluctant votes.

So it's HER fault! Yes, it's true that no one in their right mind wanted her one old man's heartbeat away from the presidency (Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity do not constitute "People in their right minds."), but who put her in that position? Who chose her as his running mate? McCain did. He shot himself in the foot, and Sarah Palin was the bullet. She is awful, but the blame is his.

So today, the people assassinating Palin's character (Hard to assassinate a completely fictional concept like "Sarah Palin's character".) were no longer we on the left. It's the members of McCain's campaign that are letting slip some juicy tidbits, like the fact that her clothes spending spree was far greater than we had been previously told. We learned that she did indeed ask to speak at the concession appearance, an amazing bit of ego there.

But the best stuff was learning that when it comes to geography, she is not smarter than a fifth grader, unless that fifth grader attends Wassila Elementary. My favorite? She thinks Africa is a country, and South Africa a region of that country. she's been so busy looking at Russia from her porch, and building bridges to nowhere, she's never glanced at an Atlas.

She repeatedly insisted she is qualified to be President of the United States, but asked to name the countries who signed NAFTA, you know, the countries on the continent on which she lives, and from which she has seldom, if ever, strayed, she couldn't do it. (Hint: it's Canada, The United States, and Mexico.)

Understand, I hate her and all she stands for, but the way she's being used as a scapegoat by the very fools who cynically foisted her on us in the first place, endangering the country to use her nutball appeal to try and curry votes from The Lunatic Fringe, is shameful. Talk about Buyers Remorse! Who is to blame for her driving voters away? They are.

Man, I hate having to defend her. She has gone back to Alaska, where a man with 7 felony convictions can still be re-elected to the United States Senate. She'll do well there. The populace is primarily composed of people who are wanted for crimes back in civilization, sort of like Australia a century and a half ago, only frigid, so when blatant crooks like Ted Stevens and Sarah Palin run for office, their crimes are a plus. I spent some time there back in the late 1920s, making the movie Eskimo Pie, in which I played The Klon Dyke, and let me tell you, the Eskimos are the most intellectually sophisticated residents they have.

On another topic altogether, if you know any Mormons, tell them to go the fuck back to Utah and roast in their own Hellish environment. Fuck the motherfucking Mormons! Little Dougie's dad was born in the Black Pit of Hell that is Salt Lake City, but his dad, Dougie's grandfather, had the good sense to flee from Utah to the civilized world of Los Angeles in 1922. And Dougie's beloved Mormon grandmother would never have voted against Dougie's own civil rights. She loved her family more than the evil church in which she was raised. (As she proved by choosing her religion-hating husband over her church.)

If you voted No on Proposition 8, then Cheers darling. If you voted Yes on 8, go to fucking hell, you piece of shit.

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