Wednesday, November 5, 2008

America is Back, Black, and Barack!!!

I have lived for 111 years, and in all that time, only a handful of nights were as glorious as this night: the night women's suffrage passed and I acquired the right to vote, the night when, inspired by my kidnapping by Kaiser Wilhelm, America won World War I, often incorrectly called "The Big One." (I've had "The Big One." It was growing out of Milton Berle's crotch. Yes, I know, but once I'd slapped a burlap bag over his head, he was great. Milton was circumcised of course, and that cast-off foreskin made a lovely belt, big enough for Jackie Gleason. Milton never told Jackie what it was made of when he gave him that "belt."), VE Day, VJ Day, BJ Day, the night I gave Delores Delgado's Oscar to Jane Wyman, the night Delores Delgado drowned in the Seine in Paris, the Moon landing, the night Neal Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on The Moon (So what was "The Moon Landing" you ask? The day a man first landed on J-Lo's butt of course. Try to keep up!), and now the landslide election of our first Afro-Hawaiian-American President. Our slave-owning early presidents would plotz! I can hear Thomas Jefferson now saying, "Oh sure, I wrote that 'all men are created equal,' blah, blah, yadda, yadda, but I never expected to be taken literally! Can't anybody take a joke anymore? For Heck's sake, he's an N-Word!" I threw him out of bed, and he crawled off to Sally Hemming's shack, to sire more slaves.

Much as I admire Barack Hussein O'Bama (Soon to be known as BHO. Of course, no one calls Dubya GWB, but that's because it makes him sound like the date rape drug, which would be a terribly nasty thing to call the date rape drug.), so far Michelle has selfishly prevented me from finding out first-gland if he is indeed "Hung like an Hawaiian." They say he's really only half-black. I hope the black half is from the waist down, if you catch my meaning. It seems a safe bet, given that his upper half is paler than Little Dougie. As some less than racially-liberal folks have pointed out, he's black, but he's not very black. However, he's black enough that most of The Confederacy went for McCain. (Remind me again why Lincoln felt we needed to keep The South? It seems to me that we would be a lot better off without them.) Here's how Southern McCain voters now see The White House.

But here am I, asking Hussy (That's what I call The President Elect in private. Ironically, it's also what Michelle calls me!) the one question all America is now asking, The One Great Question about the new O'Bama Administration: What type of puppy will the new First Doggie be?

I sobbed all through Hussy's acceptance speech. Eventually I managed to get the chaise leg off of my foot, but I still had tears for that moving speech. I loved all that blather about little 106 year old Ann Nixon Cooper voting for him. I just wish he had chosen an old lady to yap about who didn't have Nixon in her name! You'd think a man with the middle name Hussein would know what a liability having an evil middle name can be. He could have used ME as an example. I was discarding my virginity before little Annie had filled her first diaper. But, as usual, he knew that bringing me up would inevitably result in his being completely upstaged by my glamour and fame. So he went with that nobody Cooper woman.

I know why I was crying. For 8 years I have been ashamed of being an American, as The United States followed the Fascist path of Germany in the 1930s, behind a bumbling idiot and his Satanic Vice President, Voldemort Cheney, who had illegally stolen the Presidency. When O'Bama was declared the next president, I felt that shame lift from my shoulders, and I cried because my pride in being an American was restored. We'd broken The Black Ceiling, and Jim Crow is forever buried under the rubble.

We were braced for an "October Surprise," some horror cooked up by Karl Rove to scare the country into voting for Cosmetic Change instead of Real Change. But it turned out that The October Surprise was The Stock Market Crash, and folks remembered "It's the economy, stupid!" was still true, and America wisely decided not to ask the people who created the problem to fix the problem. If someone stabs you, you don't trust that person to stitch you back up.

And what's even better than O'Bama winning? Let me put it this way:

I thought John McCain's concession speech was classy, his first classy speech in 8 years. Of course, his followers still insisted on demonstrating what douche bags they are. When, in the spirit of uniting behind the new president as One Nation Not Under God, McCain mentioned O'Bama's name, his followers booed- loudly! McCain had to quiet them. Yet when Hussy mentioned McCain's name, in the same spirit of reaching across the aisle to unite these states so disunited under Dubya's Administration of Horror (The Bush Administration was the Saw IV of presidencies.), his people applauded McCain, and were respectful.

Who must we thank for this great victory? Well certainly Sarah Palin played a big role. Exit polls from all over showed, again and again, that lifelong Republicans who had been supporting McCain and intending to vote for him, switched to voting for O'Bama, thousands, if not millions, of them voting Democratic for the first time in their lives, once they got a good gander at, and worse, listen to, Sarah Palin and realized even they didn't want that psycho-bitch one old man's heartbeat away from being president. As one person I recently read wrote: "She believes in fossil fuels, but not in fossils." (Ironic, given that her running mate was a fossil.) Somehow, we'll have to get by without a VP who can see Russia from her stoop. Back to Alaska, Sarah. I'm sorry for the moose (Mooses? Moosum? Meese?), but I'd be sorrier for us if she had won.

Besides, Tina Fey has got to concentrate on 30 Rock. She doesn't have time to go on playing that Wacko-Mom, I mean Hockey mom.

McCain of course, gets the credit (?) for choosing Palin, so he was also a big contributer to his defeat. And certainly Dick Cheney's last weekend endorsement of McCain helped push O'Bama over the top. But let's face it, the person
most responsible for the election of Barack Hussein O'Bama to be the 44th President of The United States of America is none other than - envelope please - George W. Bush! Thank you Dubya. It's the first good thing you have ever done in your whole, misbegotten excuse for a life. Now go fuck off forever.

And by the way, who did Joe the (unlicensed) Plumber vote for? No one. He's a convicted felon, and can't vote.

Dubya used to make a lot of noise about having a "Mandate," despite his narrow victories, based on only a handfull of fictitious votes. In fact, his 2000 "Victory" was just
five votes, all of them Supreme Court Justices who should have known better, but who were in the bag. O'Bama however, has won by a landslide, and the voters have further handed him Democratic majorities in both the House and the Senate. Darlings, that is more of a "Mandate" than dinner, a movie, and a motel room with Huge Jackman! (And Huge, I'm free!) I might add that, though Proposition 8 passed in California for now (FUCK YOU MORMAN CHURCH! You're a fine group to dictate "Traditional Marriage" to ANYONE! Don't think we don't remember Little Dougie's Mormon Bishop great-great grandfather William Haney Hickenlooper and his three simultaneous wives!), and Gay Marriage has been re-banned, nonetheless, Mandates are still legal.

But now the robocalls stop. I'll feel so lonely. Each time the phone rang, I thought, "It might be Mr. DeMille!" But now when the phone rings, it might actually be someone alive at the other end. "What? You're a real person I can actually converse with? How do I do that?" Fortunately, the 2012 campaign starts tomorrow, so the calls will recommence. Hilary has already declared, and on NBC, Rudy Guiliani was heard to say, "9-11. I am declaring 9-11 that I am a candidate 9-11 for president in 2911 or 2012, whichever comes first. 9-11."

All joking aside; what a great day for America. Dubya will soon be gone (And hopefully then under indictment, along with Jeb, Cheney, and all the other criminals that placed him in the White House illegally), we've shown that our ideals of equality may actually mean something, and elected an inspiring man to our highest office. There was a sigh of relief and cheering all around the earth, as people in every country breathed easier (Kenya, where our next president's African Family hails from, has declared a national holiday today, in Hussy's honor), knowing that the Evil America that has terrified them for 8 years is banished, and Good America is coming back.

Cheers darlings. Real cheer this time. To quote one of our worst presidents: It's morning in America. Time for a drink.

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