Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Frog Prince

Poor Prince Frederic Von Anhalt Gabor. What a sad day for this great man, this True Royalty, this overly-kissed frog. The DNA results are in for the beleaguered child of Anna Nicole Smith Marshall Stern Birkhead Denk Hatten Morehead von Anhalt Gabor, and it turns out that Larry Birkhead was the "man" who successfully disembarked his little passenger into Anna's ever-busy Grand Central Station. To the Prince's amazement, it turns out you can not impregnate someone via imaginary intercourse. You have to do more than just talk a good fuck, you actually have to have real sex.

It was news to me as well. As I confessed back in my earlier posting, The Elusive Tragedy, I believed that I was the father of Little Anna Nicole Smith Marshall Stern Birkhead Denk Hatten Morehead von Anhalt Gabor's baby, based on our one night of wild elderly-movie-goddess-on-brainless-whore passion, since, contrary to my usual practice, I had topped. But it turns out that you can't sire a child with a dildo either, even a double-headed one! Go figure!

And I'm sure that Freddy's realization that wanking his brains out (What brains he still had, that is) while watching Anna's "Reality" TV show was not sufficient to actually conceive a child, was very traumatic.. How heart-breaking for him. And now poor Little Dannielynn has lost her claim to the throne of Von Anholtland, that magical fairyland where Freddy is beloved royalty, unicorns wander the cobblestone streets, enchanted frogs marry Hungarian movie stars while still proudly announcing that they have shagged zombie sluts, and Oompa-Loompas scatter tart candies in the clouds. It's located somewhere between Monaco and The Emerald City.

Still worse for Prince Freddy, this will only fuel the convictions on the part of sensible people, as well as Zsa Zsa lovers, that the Prince is really just a big clown. And clowns, as Buttons has told us, are funny people.

As I reported in another earlier posting, Some Day My Prince Will Come, the Prince is suing The Fox News Channel and insane right-wing nutjob Bill O'Reilly, for calling him a fraud for claiming to be Little Dannielynn's daddy. This finding is really going to throw a monkey wrench into the Prince's suit, since it is hard to prove that a person, even an over-the-top wacko like O'Reilly, has libelled you by merely stating a simple truth.

But at least Little Danielynn will know who to call "Daddy" when she learns to speak. Yet still, another legal battle remains. It seems that Grandma still wants to challenge Daddy Birkehad for custody of His daughter. Well, she did such a sterling job raising Anna, why not let her instill the same solid values in the next generation? Somewhere out there, there's a billionaire just now turning 70, who will be Prime Husband Material when Dannielynn hits her twenties. I'm clearing my calendar for the wedding now.

But I think we know who won't be invited. Go back to Zsa Zsa, Freddy. You've proved you could be a bigger embarrassment to her than she ever managed to be for herself. That should be achievement enough for anyone. Retire now. Change back into a frog, and start croaking. You'll never top yourself. And you'll never top me. And I haven't said that to a man in 90 years.

Cheers darlings.


Willy B. Good said...

I'm devastated by the sad news that Prince ain't the daddy as I heard that poor Zsa Zsa had just finished painting the nursery and was so excited as Prince was just about to sign a reality tv series deal with MTV about bringing up baby and now I hope Howard takes that stooge Larry for everything baby whats her name is worth.

Tallulah Morehead said...

I don't see where Howard has any standing to take Little Larry for anything. Howie was the one claiming paternity of someone else's child. They should realize that when you're tag-teaming someone, it's not really possible to determine which fishy won the race without recourse to DNA.

Poor Zsa Zsa shouldn't really try redecorating when she's nearly comatose. Let's face it. Were our Zsa Zsa capable of doing anything, she'd have been facing microphones, making foolish pronouncements of her own. It's not like she's shy. I'm afraid Zsa Zsa knows nothing of the whole affair, and possibly knows nothing at all, period.

What I hope is that they all shut up and go away. And that someone brings me a vodka tonic, HEAVY on the vodka, just the merest whisper of tonic, right awa--- why thank you darling.

Excuse me Willy darling, I have some serious drinking to do.