Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Elusive Tragedy

Prepare yourself for a shock. Are you seated? Good. Anna Nichol Smith, the Greatest Woman in the History of the Earth, has died.


It makes no sense! How could such a health-conscious woman, when she was conscious at all, have died so young? Not only was she only 39, but she was only 39 for the first time! To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, Hollywood Society is full of women who, of their own free will, have remained 39 for years. And she was so young to be 39, only 39. Most Hollywood women don't even reach 39 until well past the age of 50. I haven't hit 39 yet myself, and I'll be 110 in May.

I didn't mean to spring it on you, but you had to be told. They've been keeping it quiet, to control the inevitable culture shock as all Western Civilization reels under the devastating news. All around the world, every human being, from world leaders like Tony Blair, Saddam Hussein, and Bono, down to mud-hut-dwellers in Kenya and New Orleans, are all asking themselves the same question: How can we all go on with our lives without Anna's lack-of-wisdom to guide us? And then we must also cope with the loss of her legendary beauty, when she wasn't grossly overweight, which was most of the time, and her awe-inspiring figure, carefully constructed by Walt Disney's imagineers.

There's a Terrible Human Tragedy hidden somewhere deep inside this event, if I can only figure out what it is.

But, as we wait for the autopsy results to answer the vital question - Was it murder? - we can begin by asking the usual questions: Who does Anna's death hurt, and who does it benefit?

Who does Anna's death hurt? Well obviously Anna for one. And then there's --- ah ---- give me some time. I'm old. Her drug dealers! They'll be taking a huge hit. What Douglas? Her kids? How does it hurt them, those that survive her? They won't be raised by her. I do not see a downside to that. If God had answered my oft-repeated childhood prayer, and killed my mother when I was a kid, I'd believe in him today.

Hugh Hefner is sad about it. Along with having gifted World Culture with her in the first place, she was Hef's kind of woman: big artificial boobs, the morals of a devout slut, stupider than dirt, and willing to sleep with any man no matter how ancient or wizened if he's rich enough. Hef's living wet dream.

Now then, who does Anna's death benefit? Well actually, who doesn't benefit? First off, in a couple more months, she'll be off our TV screens forever! That's 200,000,000 suspects just in America alone. And more like 5 billion suspects worldwide. I hope you have a solid alibi.

It's got to be a plus for revolting radio shock jock Howard Stern. Now people will stop thinking he's married to her. Really people, he's repulsive and has the taste of a dung beetle, but even he would never sink that low.

Anna was my role model. I began life with several handicaps that Anna did not: I was actually beautiful without artificial augmentation, and I had talent. But Anna showed me how a woman in show business didn't need beauty or talent to become America's obsession. Beauty could be bought, as could a beautiful woman although Anna was rather pricey, and talent was superfluous. Look at her. She couldn't even speak coherently, let alone act, yet she became a star of bad TV and obscure direct-to-video films. She was an inspiration to untalented women everywhere. Every overwhelmingly deluded no-talent to annoy Simon Cowell over the last three weeks owes something to Anna, who showed the world that you don't have to be able to do anything at all, not even be able to walk across a room or say a complete, comprehensible sentence, to be a Star! Anna was the living rebuke to the meritocracy.

And then there's her example to gold-diggers everywhere. Oh we've had memorable gold-diggers in the past - anyone besides me remember Peggy Hopkins Joyce? - but Anna was in a league of her own, marrying King Cheops of Egypt a mere 3 or 4 thousand years after he was mummified, and then, when this True Love Match ended in tragedy with his untimely death at 4597, she began her heroic fight to deprive his legitimate heirs, like his children for instance, of the net worth of France. Anna showed that marrying a man old enough to be your remote ancestor simply because he's got more money than God, is a worthwhile, admirable role for a young girl with store-bought titties. How sad that she passed away with The Great Work, robbing her ex-husband's progeny of their rightful inheritances, still undone. Now her children, safely being raised by others, can carry on the Good Fight. Some called her a whore, but her prices are so far above even the highest-priced whores, that she makes the term meaningless. If she's a whore, then Monstro the Whale is a minnow. (There's a physical resemblance too.)

Which brings us to the question of who is her latest baby's father. Since the answer may be worth millions if her heirs ever succeed in disinheriting her former-husband's legitimate heirs, this is an important question. So why be surprised that others are now throwing their DNA into her ring?

Prince Anhalt, husband of Anna's original role model, the elderly Zsa Zsa Gabor (Is there any other kind of Gabor than an elderly one? Was there ever?) now claims that he was cheating on Zsa Zsa with Anna. Well, Anna is 51 years younger than Zsa Zsa, so I believe it. Zsa Zsa is 90, which means she's also 39.

The Prince, not to be confused with Prince (who has not, so far, claimed paternity in the Anna Nichol Smith case, though he will), is remarkably proud to announce he was cuckolding Zsa Zsa. Well, when your choice is a 90 year old gold-digger or a 39 year old gold-digger, one can see why he might have strayed, and then announced it to the press. And after all, he was proud to have married Zsa Zsa in the first place, so we know his Pride Threshold is extremely low. Zsa Zsa was only a mere 31 years older than him. Who wouldn't boast of marrying someone who was past their prime when he was learning to walk?

But this means that Zsa Zsa will have to divorce the Prince. Who will she marry next? Who will be the 9th Mr. Gabor?

So now I come to my own shameful admission: I am actually the father of Anna Nichol Smith's most recent dropping. Now I know you're puzzled by how I, one of the most talented and beautiful women in the world, could have fathered a child with this talentless, brain-dead slut. I was too. I slummed once, merely to show Anna what a real woman, with genuine talent and inborn beauty, can do, and boom, I'm a father. That's the last time I "Top", no matter how hot the woman is.

Anna Nichol Smith. I loved you very deeply with my heart and hole, for the better part of an hour once. If I ever remember it, I'll never forget it. There will never be another like you.

I hope!

Cheers Darlings.

No comments: