Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Return of Eduardo Capetillo

At last a reason to go on living, I mean besides the fact that there’s still liquor in the world, and there's still the occasional man willing to slip one to a 109 year old movie goddess. I was channel surfing yesterday, and lo and behold, on the local Los Angeles Telefutura/Univision station, KFTR (Keep Fucking The Rich? Good idea. I’m rich!), at 4 PM, I found my darling future ex-husband Eduardo Capetillo, that Spanish heartthrob extraordinaire, starring in another fabulous telenovela, titled Camila.

In my earlier posting, Blue Spanish Flies, I wrote of my passion for this Latin hunk, and the joy I get from telenovelas. Since I don’t speak a word of Spanish, besides tequila that is, I never have any idea what the hell is going on, so I just invent the stories for myself, based solely on what I see. I thought it might be fun to share with you whatever the hell is going on in this one. And please, if you understand Spanish and actually know the storyline of Camila, keep it to yourself!

I just stumbled onto the show, so I have no idea how long it’s even been running, or if this is the second week, or the last week, or just where the hell we are in the story, but we’ll just dive in, based on what I saw on Tuesday’s episode. Ready?

My darling Eduardo Capetillo plays Harold J. Bequist. Harry (Named after his chest?) works for S.P.E.C.T.R.E., the SPecial Executive for Cockfighting Terrorism Revenge and Elegant dining (I don’t why the cockfighting, but there’s a shot of a cockfight in the opening credits, and not the fun kind either, but rather the kind with chickens.), where he writes the crossword puzzles for the company newsletter. The company offices are in the Little Mexico City district of London. he is married to Camila Berquist, a tramp who isn’t worthy of him.

As the episode opens, Harry is speaking angrily to Bob, his pal (He thinks), in the hallway outside his spacious apartment, while Serge listens in. Bob has sold some of Harry’s best five-letter word clues to the Christian Science Monitor, and he is pissed. Bob smugly advises him to take a six-letter word for a granulated substance and chill out. Harry goes inside and snaps at Camila, not knowing that she’s the tramp who has been slipping his clues to Bob.

Back in his bedroom, Serge confronts Bob about a seven-letter word for a meat-chopping tool, which he got wrong in last week’s puzzle. Serge has a bruise beneath his eye from being smacked with a flounder. Margaret the airline stewardess, whom Serge calls "Mama" ironically, comes charging in, informing them that they are not on a plane, but in Bob’s bedroom.

Camila is making a pitcher of screwdrivers for Harry. (These scenes are like 30 seconds each.) Harry doesn’t want a screwdriver. He wants a four-letter word for ennui, and his temper flares at Camila. She looks guilty. She should. She knows the answer, but she sold it to Bob for more orange juice.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Harry’s boss, is sitting with his daughter, Gretchen, who is cosying up to him to get the money to buy a Dusty Springfield’s Greatest Hits CD, which Blofeld is reluctant to give her, as he fears that her interest in Dusty means she’s thinking about a lifetime of muff-diving.

Maggie the stewardess confronts Camila, but a severe flashback in black & white to Bob telling her he was sexually abused by Michael Jackson when he was seven, makes her overact like crazy. Camila is dumbfounded, which is her basic emotion. Maggie can barely hear whatever lame excuses Camila is making, because the echo-chambered voice-overs from Bob are so loud. Maggie decides to enlist Camila’s help in destroying Michael Jackson by pretending to like her. They hold hands, and Camila gets moist.

Back at the SPECTRE office, Bob is talking at the coffee cart with Miss Taft, Blofeld’s second-in-command. She puts a lot of powdered cream in his coffee, which makes him happy. She mistakes Bob’s gratitude for romantic interest, and her neck scarf bobbles excitedly.

Camila is dicing onions while Maggie tells her about the trash they put in inflight magazines these days. They could use a good crossword puzzle. Does she know where Harry hides his clues? If not, could she help her kill Michael Jackson? Camila laps to her feet, offended. Maggie is nonplussed, but sly.

Maggie returns home, interrupting Serge’s guitar practice, annoying the crap out of him. He yells at her, "Nacho! Nacho! Nacho!" so I can only assume she promised to bring him nachos and forgot when Camila told her off.

Harry catches Bob chatting up Miss Taft. Miss Taft leaves to take a quick crap, and they whisper to each other angrily. Harry wants his clues back. He hates being clueless.

Serge, who has long hair he wears tied in a bun behind his head, tells off Maggie, while sweating into his abundant chest hair. Having sweated through his shirt, Serge gets a fresh shirt from Bob’s room, but finds tickets to see Sting in concert in the shirt pocket.

Harry and his co-worker Phil are doing a presentation to Blofeld. Each has his own scheme for world domination, and Blofeld will choose only one to implement. The one whose plan is chosen will get a raise. The one whose plan is rejected will be fed to the piranha. Blofeld calls Harry back, calling him "Miquel", his code name, which is why everyone calls Harry Miquel. Blofeld tells Harry that he's not gay, but if he was, Harry is just the type of guy he'd go "Downlow" for.

Serge tells Camila that he knows she is helping Bob steal crosswords clues, but he’ll keep quiet in return for sex. She smiles. Serge goes to music school, run by Mr. Sharp, who has a bust of Beethoven in his classroom. The other two pupils are cute young guys, and together they and Serge are a garage band called The Vodka Diatonics. We cut away to Camila hanging out the laundry and being yelled at by Mrs. Olson.

Harry wears glasses while he types up his crosswords in his office, which makes him look intellectual. His secretary, Miss Slutbody, kisses him and sits in his lap while he holds a meeting about the Thunderball account in his office. Phil can’t believe all the action Harry gets, but Phil just isn’t as hot. Phil describes a really big meatloaf his mom made once, and Harry grins.

Camila calls Serge "Pablo". Why he has a code name when he’s a music student, I don’t know. Serge makes Camila smile when he promises to get her tickets to see Sting in concert.

Miss Taft runs out to put a dime in the parking meter, and Bob steals three pounds seven from an envelope in her desk drawer. He's so petty, he's robbing petty cash.

Maggie overacts and sobs, talking to a plaster statue of Jesus on her knickknack shelf. Jesus underplays and comes off as more believable, a first for Jesus. This scene is even odder because Maggie is Jewish.

Camila drops by the SPECTRE office, and chats about American Idol with Miss Taft. They both think Sanjaya is dreamy. Harry catches them mooning over Sanjaya, and shouts, "CAMILA?" He grabs Camila by the elbow and drags her out of the office. Miss Taft flirts with Bob, not knowing he’s robbed her.

Outside Harry angrily reminds her that everyone at work thinks Sanjaya’s gay. The last time Blofeld caught someone voting for Sanjaya, he fed them to sharks. Serge is listening from ten feet away. When Harry goes back inside, Serge runs after Camila, escorts her home, and comforts her, telling her he's considering losing the bun, and getting a pony hawk.

Miss Taft tells Harry and Bob that she's reminded of the time Pittsburgh was eaten by giant alien bushbabies. Harry tells her she’s nuts, and leaves.

Miss Taft tells Blofeld the office gossip. She knows Camila thinks Sanjaya is dreamy, and that this might mean Harry is gay too. Blofeld decides to test Harry.

Harry tells Phil that he’s got crossword block, and can’t think of new clues. Phil pretends to be sympathetic, but he’s plotting. Neither man realizes that it’s their business suits that are interfering with their creativity. If only they’d take their shirts off, they’d get a clue.

Bob comes into Harry’s office and yells at them, only to be interrupted when Blofeld rushes in and reads Bob the riot act for not being as hunky as Harry. Blofeld assigns Harry the Pangborn account, in addition to the Thunderball account and the crosswords. Harry is terrified by this large workload, but tries to hide it.

Mildred works at the Copa, a strip club, where she is pole dancing in front of empty tables. As soon as Fatso, the big boss, comes in, she stops, as she is too shy to dance when people can see her. So far this has nothing to do with anything else going on.

Maggie comforts Camila, who realizes that Harry had a second cup of coffee at the office. He never has a second cup at home. She cries, thinking of how she gave up the tambourine for Harry, and now he’s drifting away. Camila has a B&W flashback to when her grandpa told her that the tambourine was a sacred instrument. Now what is she? A stewardess.

Bob is furious with Maggie for talking to his plaster Jesus, which he only keeps around to be ironic. She begs him to forgive her, but he’s had a tough day at work, and must take it out on her. "Don’t you understand mama? Without those clues, I’m fish food!"

Serge rehearses with his garage band while Harry brings Camila roses and apologizes for calling her a cheap slut in front of his coworkers and printing "My wife is a cheap whore." as a headline in the company newsletter. She still sobs. She’s worked out that the answer to number 14 across in last week’s puzzle, six letters, "A disgusting slut who does it for nickels," was "Camila". He tells her, "It was just a puzzle. It meant nothing." But she sobs more and announces that, until he praises Sanjaya in the New York Times puzzle, he gets no nookie.

Outside, Bob and Serge get into a vicious overacting and fist fight over whether Lakisha or Melinda is the better singer. At which point, today’s episode ended. Eduardo never even loosened his tie.


Cheers darlings.

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