Kaputnam

Well it appears that the time has come to stop thinking of 9-11 as only a Day of Tragedy for America. Oh it is and always will be a Day of Tragedy, but now it also has acquired a fun side, for this year, something wonderful happened for America on 9-11: George Putnam joined The 2008 Good Riddance List, by finally, at long, long last, having the kindness to die.

No, I don't mean the famous George Putnam, the one who led two Arctic expeditions in the 1920s, and who was married to Amelia Earhart. He died in 1950. Nor am I referring to the George Putnam who founded the great publishing house G. P. Putnam & Sons. No, I'm referring to the wildly hammy, over-the-top, right wing Los Angeles "newsman" and nutjob: that George Putnam, the man who made Bill O'Reilly look like Walter Cronkite on sedatives.

Back when Little Dougie was a small homosexual growing up in Los Angeles, George was the biggest star in L.A. TV news, with his frightening, hyper-dramatic reading of his extremely-slanted "news reporting." This man was so far to the right, that next to him, Barry Goldwater was a bleeding heart liberal. His main broadcast was at 10 PM on KTTV each night, but he also did a 6:45 PM 15-minute "News"cast. Which means that, when Little Dougie tuned in each evening at 7 PM to see Yogi Bear and Huckleberry Hound, he first had to endure George hollering at him his signature sign-off: "And that’s the up-to-the-minute news; up to the minute, that’s all the news. Here’s to a better, stronger America. I'll see you at 10, see you then."

Fortunately for Little Dougie, his bedtime was 9.

Of course, not everyone loathed him. Richard Shithouse Nixon said of Putnam: "He won the admiration and respect of millions of people in Southern California due to the fact that everybody could count on him to say exactly what he believed, whether it was popular or not. Some people didn’t like what he said; some people liked what he said. But everybody listened to George Putnam." Here's a tip; anyone who got that kind of high praise from Richard Nixon had to be Evil.

But I'll give Sticky Dick this: he was right in saying, "Some people didn’t like what he said; some people liked what he said. But everybody listened to George Putnam." Dougie, myself, all intelligent people "didn't like what he said," morons, right-wing demagogues, flaming assholes, and Sam Yorty "Liked what he said," but indeed, "Everybody listened to George Putnam." They had no choice. His bombastic baritone delivery was so loud, you heard him even if you were tuned to a different station, or didn't own a TV, or were born without ears.


That's Orgy Georgie in a 1965 anti-pornography film he starred in titled Perversion for Profit. (And to think, I've been perverted all these years, gratis! Fool!) Frankly, having an anti-pornography film hosted by a walking obscenity strikes me as the height of hypocrisy, but then, different strokes for different folks. (No wait, George was against that too. He advocated the same strokes for all folks.). In Perversion for Profit, he rails against films, magazines, and left-wing newscasts containing nudity, sex, and/or "Deviants." (In 1965, "Deviants" meant "Fags!")


George sells the concept, which he apparently fully believed, that porn is the work of The International Communist Conspiracy. ("The International Communist Conspiracy is a non-profit organization, and an Equal-Opportunity Employer.") Why were the commies producing 8mm porn loops (In 1965 there was no home video, and Deep Throat was still just a leer in it's maker's eyes. It was The Porn Stone Age.), and publishing filth like Playboy Magazine? Well, in George's own words: "This moral decay weakens our resistance to the onslaught of the communist masters of deceit." You laugh, but George knew about Masters of Deceit, being a huge one himself. Here's a couple more juicy quotes from this masterpiece, which can be downloaded from The Prelinger Archives, as it's out of copyright:

"Now, you might ask yourself, why this sudden concern? Pornography and sex deviation [Again, by "sex deviation," he means "homos." What a lovely man. - T.] have always been with mankind. This is true. But now, consider another fact. Never in the history of the world have the merchants of obscenity, the teachers of unnatural sex acts, had available to them the modern facilities for disseminating this filth. High-speed presses, rapid transportation, mass distribution. All have combined to put the vilest obscenity within reach of every man, woman and child in the country." The odd thing about the above point I put in boldface is that he's against it for some reason. Sounds like "Progress is our most important product" to me.

"This same type of rot and decay caused sixteen of the nineteen major civilizations to vanish from the earth. Magnificent Egypt, classical Greece, imperial Rome, all crumbled away. Not because of the strength of the aggressor, but because of moral decay from within. [Egypt was destroyed by porn! Must have been those filthy hieroglyphics! Nothing puts the "Hard" in "Hardcore porn" like chisling it on stone tablets. - T.] But we are in a unique position to cure our own ills. Our Constitution was written by men who put their trust in God [No it wasn't. - T.], and founded a government based in His laws. [No they didn't. This is a secular country, and the 18th Century rationalists who wrote The Constitution based its principles on those of atheist Thomas Paine. I guess George skipped The First Amendment. - T.] These laws are on our side. We have a constitutional guarantee of protection against obscenity. [No we don't. And lucky for George too. If we had had a "Constitutional guarantee of protection against obscenity" George would have been unemployable. And he definitely skipped The First Amendment. - T.] And in this day especially we must seek to deliver ourselves from this twisting, torturing evil. We must save our nation from decay, and deliver our children from the horrors of perversion. [That would be the homos again. I wonder if legalizing Gay Marriage is what killed George. - T.] We must make our land, the land of the free, a safe home. Oh God, deliver us Americans from evil." Just Americans. The rest of the world can go fuck themselves. And why do right-wingers and aggressive prudes always cite God as their badge-of-authority? How does citing a made-up diety invalidate the First Amendment? I guess it's just hard for an atheist to be holier-than-thou.

George was certainly the one to lecture others on morals. He lived with a woman he was not married to for 52 years, while the wife he never divorced lived elsewhere. He neglected to mention this juicy tidbit on his "newscast," so busy was he throwing stones at others from his glass ranch. At least he wasn't a deviant. But if he really believed what he bellowed, he's have practiced Abstinence.

Anyway, here he is being a role model for Health. (Puff, puff, puff.)

Ted Baxter on The Mary Tyler Moore Show was based on a combination of George Putnam and Jerry Dunphy, but George wasn't clueless like Ted. (Jerry was!) George was a committed right-winger, who was instrumental in the election of Sam Yorty, possibly Los Angeles's worst-ever Mayor. George wrote his own editorials. (Some called "One Reporter's Opinion," others called "News".) Ted Baxter was a lovable idiot. Jerry Dunphy was a less-lovable idiot. George was smart and Evil.

Even if you never lived in or visited Los Angeles, you probably saw George riding his silver palomino on TV in the Rose Parade every year. From the rear, as the horse rode away from you again, it was impossible to tell which was George, and which was the horse. (I'm joking. George was the one dressed like a deviant cowboy; the horse was the one grumbling "Lose some weight, gasbag.")

I'm not advocating actually dancing on his grave, but it is a lovely place for a picnic, or on which to shoot a hardcore gay-commie sex scene.

And that's the up-to-the-minute good news, up-to-the-minute, that's all the good news. Here's to a better, stronger Hades. I'll see you in Hell. Now I'm gonna smell.

Want a better stronger America? Vote for O'Bama. George is too dead to choke on it.

Cheers darlings.