Thursday, September 11, 2008

9-11, Day of Terror!

The last thing anybody needs today is another blog piece commemorating the terrible events of 9-11-01. So I'm going to tell you of a different 9-11, though a day of terror and loss it nonetheless was, for it was the day Little Dougie first met the King of Terror himself: Stephen King.

That's Little Dougie's autographed first edition of 'Salem's Lot, still one damn fine book. Let's look a little closer shall we? There's the date in King's own handwriting.

Yikes! On that day Little Dougie, a mere lad of 29, got to sit in a room, alone with his hero, Stephen King, and chat. King even read a comedy sketch Dougie had written, that his then-sketch comedy troupe later performed on Mike Hodel's Hour 25, and which was a parody of The Shining, called The Whining, in which it became the final episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show. King laughed at several of the jokes, and read one aloud:

Rob Petrie (In an insane Jack Nickolson delivery): "Richie, you're annoying daddy. You don't want Daddy to have to get out his axe now, do you?"

Richie (Sulking): No daddy.

Doug was flying so high from making his idol laugh that he never even mentioned to him that they were sitting in the same green room, and King was about to do a live TV interview in the same studio, where 11 of Doug's 12 Seymour TV scripts had been shot. (It was also the room Engineer Bill's kid guests would wait in, before going on Engineer Bill's Cartoon Express. I'll bet even King was awed to be in Engineer Bill's Roundhouse.) At one point Carroll O'Conner came into the room, but Archie Bunker himself did not distract King and Dougie's chat. (To alleviate the terror, Curtis Sliwa, then unknown, was also present in the room, I assume for "Security," and was, frankly, somewhat scary.)

Along with 'Salem's Lot, Dougie's first editions of The Shining and The Stand (First editions were all there were of The Stand that long ago.) got signed that day as well.

The Stand hadn't sold all that well in it's original hardcover release. Little Dougie told King that morning that he thought it was King's best work (He still feels it is.), and that when it came out in paperback, it would quickly be realized to be a great fantasy classic. Those were the "kind words" referred to in King's inscription. They were also a prophecy that quickly proved very true indeed.

Dougie had brought a gift for The Great Man. He gave King a baseball shirt he'd brought, printed with the words "Overlook Hotel: Recreation Director" across the front. King claimed to be delighted with it. A year later, Dougie read an interview with King on the set of the movie Creepshow in Premiere Magazine, and the writer described King as wearing that shirt, including publishing Dougie's joke in the magazine. Dougie whooped with delight, scaring the cats.

9-11-79 was a very happy day in Little Dougie's life, but it's ending was still one of grief. When he arrived home that evening, his doggie, tremendously sweet 9 year old Lizzie, ill for a couple days though not seemingly seriously, had passed away while Dougie was with King. Dougie ended his day sitting out in the garage alone with Lizzie, stroking her cold body, thinking of the 9 years they had had together.

It was an emotional rollercoaster day.

The 29 years since have been kinder to King than Dougie.

On the other hand, while Googling about today, assembling images for this posting, Dougie found an autographed first edition of Carrie for sale on eBay, going for over $3,780. Little Dougie has a signed first edition of Carrie. He bought it unsigned in 1980 for $25, and got it signed when he met King again later on.

$3,780. Time has had fun with both of them.

Meanwhile, America faces a far greater threat than the one which levelled buildings, blew a big hole in the Pentagon, and brought out for one day, the finest of True American Heroism, followed by 5 years of worldwide American Hooliganism led by the Bush-Cheney Cabal of Evil.

Osama Bin Laden did it.

He's still st large.

Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with it, but we nailed him. That'll teach him to have nothing to do with an attack on America. Yeah! We threw a country into chaos, impoverishing ourselves for a nation that is itself nonetheless, operating at an obscene profit!

Gasoline is over $3.50 a gallon.

Why is anyone seriously considering John McCain for President?

And now along comes a prehistoric piece of moronic, superstitious Evil, named Sarah Palin, and some people seem actually pleased that this horrible, revolting woman could end up one-75-year-old (and counting) heartbeat away from running the United States of America, even though she's insane!

There's only one Palin I would vote for to be President of the United States, and that's Michael Palin, and he's not even an American. He could be Governor of California (And a damn fine better one than the one we have now!), but can not be the President.

Here he is, signing a book that Sarah Palin would probably ban. (Did I mention she's a book banner? And not just in the school libraries; the town library, like someone who doesn't believe in evolution should get to choose what books I am allowed to read? Does she keep The First Amendment perforated on a roll beside her crapper?)

And given that Sarah Palin's experience in politics began after the Republicans first began complaining about O'Bama's "inexperience," Michael Palin actually has more executive experience being a woman running a government, than Sarah or O'Bama.

Is Michael Palin's experience running major world governments entirely fictional? Yes. But his claim to be an expert in foreign relations because he has played Queen Victoria on TV, and Pontius Pilate in a highly successful, highly silly movie, is just as impressive as - no - make that more impressive than, Sarah Palin's claim to understand Russia because Alaska is so close to Russia that you can see it on a clear day. She can actually overhear what they're saying in Putin's office from her backyard.

Insane as Sarah Palin is, which is very, she's one hell of an executive. She left the tiny town of less than 10,000 people she was mayor of $20,000,000 in debt by the end of her term! That takes some doing! She's an over-anti-achiever!

She worked her brain off (Switched off) to improve Alaska's school system with the teaching of "Creationism". Can't wait till she gets her hands on No Child Left Behind! It's a Bush program, and as this will be the Fourth Bush Administration (or "Reich"), it will continue as All Children Left Behind, in the 17th Century.

She advocates "Abstinence Only" being taught in our schools, as the only acceptable (Read "Legal" if she gets her executive way.) form of birth control, but she thinks her knocked-up, unmarried teenage daughter, the living example of exactly how well Abstinence Only works, should be "Off Limits".

Having seen the young baby-daddy who is now shell-shocked at being in a national spotlight for knocking up the Republican Vice Presidential Candidate's 17 year old daughter (In his widely shown photo, he has that: "Oh shit!" deer-in-the-headlights look), I can't blame the daughter. There's nothing to do up there. The nights are long and cold! And I would certainly do him. In fact, I did every version of him there was in Lillian Roth High School's classes of 1913, '14, '15, and '16, as well as several from our neighboring schools, plus foreign exchange students from Kenya and Luxemberg. Of course, I didn't get knocked-up. I was a slut; I wasn't stupid!

The shameful truth is, I had never been taught anything about Abstinence Only, neither in school, nor at home. In high school, I didn't even know what "Abstinence" meant. In fact, I had to look it up just to dictate this column. And when I learnt what it meant, I was horrified! That ghastly crazy bitch wants to inflict abstinence on innocent teenagers! Talk about perverted! Where is Chris Matthews when Alaska's kids need him?

Chris: "I'm Chris Matthews. You're Mr. HornyforPrePubes? What are you doing here, Horny?"

HornyforPrePubes (Trapped-looking guy in undershirt and overalls, carrying six-pack of beer into a dining room.): "Ah - I'm here to practice Abstinence Only with DaddysBadGirl."

Chris: In her emails, DaddysBadGirl says she's 13 years old. How old are you?

HornyforPrePubes: I'm 47.

Chris: Don't you think a 13 year old girl is a little too young to be Abstaining from sex with a 47 year old man?

HornyforPrePubes: Ah, no.

Chris: What if she doesn't get pregnant? She wouldn't be able to not make the right moral choice Governor Palin want to make for her and for all teenage girls everywhere, to have her baby no matter how many lives she ruins? Hasn't the lack of consequences even crossed your mind?

HornyforPrePubes: I just thought she'd be a cool chick to do nothing with.

Chris: You're under arrest, perv. We'll teach you to not have sex with teenage girls. Drag this scumbucket out of here! He disgusts me! [Spits on the man.]

To anyone out there reading this who actually plans to vote for Sarah Palin, and thus McCain, two points:

1. Are you reading this yourself, or having it read to you by a literate friend?

2. Please do the world a favor; vote for Michael Palin instead. It's a wasted vote, but it's better than putting that maniac next-in-line behind a crazy old man for the presidency. She declared war on Russia on ABC World News Tonight tonight. Do you want to put her where, when she does that, it actually happens?

Poor Tina Fay. This must be very humiliating for her. To be very famous, extremely smart, and wonderfully funny, and then to find you have a Stepford Twin, who is everything you know is Evil, and who, for a few weeks only we hope, threatens the existence of all life she doesn't believe evolved here, secure in her ignorant bliss that there's a Big Sky God up there, watching out for her. (Good idea, Sky God. Watch out for Sarah Palin!) Poor Tina. You know, Tina my darling, that's why Harvey Firestein stopped doing drag. He was starting to look like Barbara Bush. (If Barbara had ever been even remotely sexually appealing.) Their voices are already indistinguishable, though Harvey certainly sings better.

Michael Palin recently published a large book titled Michael Palin Diaries 1969 - 1979, The Python Years.
I have a copy of it here beside me. In it he chronicled, as it took place, the decade he spent co-creating The Best Comedy That Ever Was. I highly recommend it. I like to pick it up, read a year, and put it aside, to savor more years later on.

It's the best antidote for 9-11 depression. Or pick up a copy of 'Salem's Lot, which is out in a nice new edition that includes 50 pages of material cut from the original edition. King's little town of Jerusalem's Lot, where your neighbors are all turning into vicious, mindless vampires, seems like Heaven on Earth after 7 years in Bush's America.

Cheers darlings.

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