(Kelsey has a horrible new movie, called An American Carol, opening next week. It's a conservative screed made entirely by Republicans, and is being sold as a madcap satirical comedy, when it's really just dishonoring Charles Dickens, pissing on all that that notorious social reformer stood for. Avoid it like the plague. If you have a choice between seeing it or The Love Guru, see The Love Guru.)
Well, he admired Brando's acting. (I can't imagine why. I met, rehearsed, and insisted on being raped by Marlon back when I almost played Blanche Dubois in the long-forgotten movie this photo comes from. I'm the one who ripped his shirt off in the first place. But knowing Marlon as I did, Biblically, I can say that that mush-mouthed mumbler was no actor, which is why his career never went anywhere. You can read all about it in my memoirs, My Lush Life.)
Classical Shakespearean actress Teri Hatcher mispronounced the name of Zeljko Ivanek when awarding him an Emmy. In her defense, no one can pronounce Zeljkxo's name. His own mother can not pronounce Zeqlkjox's name. Apparently, when little Mr. Ivanghklzo was born, his mother was obsessed with giving her kid a name that, when placed on a red triple word square in Scrabble, would score in the high four digits. And Teri Hatcher doesn't always pronounce her own name correctly. Saying Zxqejlkome's Ivxadnaotch's name should have been handled by Howie Mandell. After all, on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Howie played Mr.Mxyztplk, so he has experience with pronouncing the unpronounceable.
And then came Ricky Gervais. All hail Ricky Gervais. The man is hilarious. For five minutes, the show was suddenly funny and entertaining. I thought I'd accidentally changed the channel when I fell off my chaise reaching for the gin, and landed on the remote control. The man is Tina Fey with a penis, and 30 extra pounds.
Ricky ran a clip of his win last year, when they gave his award to Steve Carell who, on The Office, is the American Ricky Gervais. Then, to my lasting embarrassment, he freeze-framed on a giant screen behind him the unforgettable moment last year when I was gang-hugged by Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, and Jon Stewart (Stephen King was unavailable.), and Ricky's Emmy was put to an unspeakable use. (That damned angel's wings are sharp!)
Tommy then gave a wonderful, if a bit too halting, speech, that stood out from the evening's other speeches, by being interesting, and actually being about something important. So naturally they tried to stop him before he could make his final point. Apparently, when Tommy said, "There's nothing more scary than watching ignorance in action," although the thought is certainly true, somebody in the control booth thought perhaps he was referencing President Dubya (How could they get that idea?), and if there's one thing NBC can not have during a speech on the importance of Freedom of Speech, it's someone actually exercising Freedom of Speech, so they started sending people out to hurry him up and get him off the stage, to silence the truth (Actually he was making a point about the very nature of "Truth" itself, Talk about irony!) once again, and Tommy found himself in a familiar position, being censored on Sunday Night TV, this time on a different network. Well, old habits are hard to break. For that matter, old dogs are hard to housebreak.
But please Josh, I know he's available (He's always available!), but never trot out that grotesque old bore Ed McMahan. The only good thing about Johnny Carson's retiring was that we were supposed to be rid of Ed! Anyway, it's always nice to see a row of pretty chorus girls doing high kicks to Suicide is Painless. (Were you listening to those lyrics, Ed and Howie?)
On the other hand, if given a choice, I'm sure that being hugged to death in the arms of a sexy young man like Jon Stewart (Jon, there's an orgasm with your name on it just waiting for you here at Morehead Heights anytime you want to stop by and collect it.) is exactly how Alan would like to go.
Martin Sheen showed up on tape for the sole purpose of saying,"Excuse me? Where was MY West Wing Emmy? Oh, and he also made a lame plea for all people to vote. (for him - for an Emmy.)
Sheen said "Our show was never in any way partisan..." which was one of the funniest lines of the night. West Wing was a weekly televised rebuke to The Bush Administration. It was a wishful-thinking fantasy for decent people to watch and fantasize "This is what it could be like, if we had a qualified and decent man in the White House, instead of the evil clown who's in there now."
Howie Mandell did a tribute to M*A*S*H, which, given who was delivering it, was more of an anti-tribute, or time-filler. You know, time Kirk Ellis could have used to finish his intelligent thought. Then they brought out the two people most synonymous with M*A*S*H, Sandra Oh and Patrick Dempsey. Was this show assembled, or just free-associated?
Then out of the M*A*S*H tent came two more of the mainstays of the old 4077th: Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin. At least it was two people who are actually funny. Griffin was sufficently inspired by the military setting to order the audience to their feet for a frail-looking Rickles. You know Kathy, a standing ovation doesn't mean anything if it isn't spontaneous.
If Rickles was walking weakly, his comic force was not abated, and he killed. Again, one pined for him to have hosted. (Oh please let Don host. No remote trace of pomposity would survive with Rickles at the podium.) Rickles and Griffin handed out the award for Outstanding Reality Competition Program. (This used to be called Best Game Show.) Don announced the winner as "Herbie Dickman." If only they had let it go at that, but no. To Herbie's disappointment, it went, as always, to The Amazing Race, (What a racist show title! I'm picketing!) so Scott Baio went home awardless once again. Tell the truth academy; this category is really, Least Unbearable Reality show.
Immediately after that, Sally Field gave her son an Emmy for John Adams for Outstanding Founding Father. Thomas Jefferson was screwed yet again. Jefferson is the Susan Lucci of the Founding Fathers. When last seen, Jefferson and Dickman were out drinking together, and looking for "Comely blackamoors."
The one funny host bit in the whole show was Tom Bergeron dropping Heidi Klum on the floor. What a shame she wasn't permanently damaged. She looks brittle enough to shatter.
Wayne Brady, who apparently isn't retired, just tired (He is so over.), and Kate Walsh, announced Outstanding Guest Actor and Actress Who Aren't Good Enough To Be Awarded on the Real Show. Glenn Turman (Who?) won the Actor award, though I was rooting for Robert Morse, because I adore that wonderful, kind, thoughtful, fabulous, funny man, and Cynthia Nixon won the Actress award. I have nothing against Cynthia Nixon, but hearing the words "Nixon Won" always makes me cringe.
A guy named Greg Yaitanes won Outstanding Direction for a Type of Show Not Covered in Any of the Other Categories for directing an episode of House. I've never seen him before, and I've never watched House, but what a Hottie! Greg, when you decide to moonlight by performing in gay porn, let me know. Meanwhile, don't spend so much time waxing lovey-dovey about your wife. The last thing I want to hear about when watching such a hottie is his wife.
Matthew Weiner. who is not a hottie, nor even a lukewarmy, despite his having a gay porn name, when winning for Outstanding Writing of a Drama, Comedy, Musical, or Improv Revue, for an episode of Mad Men, which I believe is a spin-off of MADtv, could not remember the names of all of his mewling hellspawn, I mean children. --- DADDY!
Candice Bergan referred to her father as "a radio star," although I'm sure I saw him in a movie with WC Fields (Ah, darling Edgar. He could make me say anything when he stuck his hand in me.), and reminded us that her father invented the Emmys, chisling the first one out of stone. Alec Baldwin only accepted the Emmy she was handing out in order to hit on her.
They started getting really mean in the fifth hour. When Vanessa Williams and America Ferrera came out, they didn't even bother turning on their mikes.That gets my Emmy for Outstanding Technical Fuck-Up. They should have done it for Howie. Some ratty drag queen named "Glen" won Outstanding Actress in a Basic Cable Series, which showed that gender lines are really blurring in America, or at least in America Ferrera. (She's really a man too, isn't she?)
They did an odd thing with the In Memorium montage: They began it and ended it with George Carlin. Did he die twice? He was a devout atheist, so I doubt he had a resurrection. Is being dead twice the opposite of being "Born Again"? If so, then it was appropriate for George, who was virulently anti-religion. (It was nice that his second clip was part of one of his Religion-is-a-croc bits.)
In the In Memorium montage, Dick Martin's goofy line "Here's something you don't hear every day: Merry Christmas." made me laugh out loud, and then made me miss him all over again, and I started crying. Harvey Korman's clip made me laugh also. and George's of course. How bad are your hosts when the In Memorium montage gets more laughs than they do?
But given some of the folks in the In Memorium montage, they really need to follow my example on this flog, and institute two Dead Folks Lists, the We'll Always Miss You list, and The Good Riddance List. From this evening's group, I'd move William F. Buckley and Charleton Heston over to The Good Riddance List. They don't deserve to be in a memorial tribute with Alice Ghostly, Deborah Kerr, Abby Mann, and Mel Tolkin. (Tolkin was a wonderful writer, who never penned a word about hobbits.) Frankly, the thing that lived on top of Cheston's head pretending to be his hair should have been honored as well. It certainly upstaged Cheston in his clip from The Colbys.
By the way, both Hugh Hefner and Hilary Clinton appeared in the In Memorium montage. Neither is dead, although viewers of The Girls Next Door may dispute that, and it's Hilary's White House hopes that are deceased.
Whoever was responsible for this, I hope that they are forced against their will to be stuck all next summer in the Big Brother house with an even sicker bunch of losers than the ratbags who were in there this past summer, and not be allowed to be voted out.
One of the five won it. I can't remotely care who it was, as long as it wasn't Howie.
Then out tottered Mary Tyler Moore, beloved by all who have never worked with her, dressed as though she were 30 years younger than she is. Mary's body however, hadn't gotten the memo. It was like seeing your grandmother in a bikini. Dear, wonderful Betty White, dressed far more appropriately, joined Mary in presenting this hour's award to Tina Fey, and Tina showed a genuine pleasure in being honored by these two icons, though in my own humble and always abject opinion, Tina towers over Mary.
Since they had been short on Republicans in the show (Not that you can ever have few enough Republicans) they trotted out Tom Selleck, wearing Cheston's old hair (Cheston left the thing that lived on his head to Selleck, and it gave birth to Tom's fake mustache. I swear the man was wearing a lip-rug! His head looked faker than Gary Owens's.You'd think Tom would just have some of his abundant chest fur transplanted upwards.) to present the final award, for Outstanding Drama Series or Street Theater. It went to a series no one watches, not even the people on it, but I hear it's good. It's heavily Tivo'd, just never watched.
Meanwhile, all the audience wanted was to kill the hosts, as painfully as possible.
As for me, I lifted a vodka martini in a toast to the comedic genius of Tina Fey. For all the boring crap in this 43 hour program, it was worth it to see her triumph. Let's hope her evil doppleganger has no similar evening of triumph any time soon.