Sunday, March 16, 2008

Life in the Future

First off darlings, congratulate me. This is the 100th flogging on The Morehead the Merrier, and no one has challenged the Truth of my flog title yet. How could they?

Now on to the most important matter in this election year: Season 4 of LOST!

You know, I was originally supposed to be on LOST. I was to play The Drink Monster. However, when JJ Abrams realized that people like drinking, but are afraid of smoking because it kills people, the role was changed to a Smoke Monster, and I was replaced by Dennis Leary - yet again! And that was the end of my brief cumback as a cast member of LOST.

In my last flogging, I spoke about American Idol, the most popular show on TV for no known reason. But at the end of it, I mentioned a few questions aroused by this week's incredibly confusing episode of LOST, my favorite show on TV these says. It seems that now they're throwing flashbacks, flash-forwards, and "Real-Time" scenes at you higgeldy-piggledy. (Hmm. Spell Check says I have misspelled "Higgledy-piggledy." Does it have a useful correction? No. It doesn't know the correct spelling, only the incorrect spelling. Well, I can misspell it without it's help; thank you.) How are you supposed to know which are when, and when is which? And by The Present, they mean December, 2004, three years ago. So, are the "Flash-forwards" to Now? Is now The Future, the past The Present, and only the distant past The Past? I'm disoriented. I mean more than usual.

Anyway, I asked a simple question, "Is Jin dead in the future?" Jin is my favorite character, solely because of his name. (Are Korean men hung like Japanese men, because if they are, Sun dear, you can do better. Try shagging Sayid. I'll bet he's fun, provided Ben hasn't told him to shoot you afterwards.) How boring that they named Sun Sun. They should have called her Vermouth. Then we'd know that they belonged together. They should put Jin on a remount of Family Affair with Mr. French, so we could enjoy a Jin and French. Let Sebastian Cabot handle Jin, I'll do the Frenching myself.

So some smart ass writes back: "Tallulah darling, in the future, everyone is dead!"

Speak for yourself, Harpo. After all, the Constitution still prevents a third term for Dubya, so we may not ALL die. Anyway, you may be doomed to die someday, but I am a Screen Immortal! I'm already 110, and heading fast for 111. How immortal can a person get? Here's what I'm looking forward to another century on.

Anyway darlings, watching the abortive, short LOST 4th season, I have put the clues together, and I now know what the Freighter People are really intending, and it isn't pretty. I've figured it out from the clues last week and this. Here are the clues:

Clue #1: Lapidus (Not Pronounced Lap-i-deaux) brought vegetables (Lima Beans - Ugh! Isn't Death preferable to Lima Beans?) to Sayid & Desmond because "We had a little problem in the kitchen." ("Kitchen"? Shouldn't he have said "Galley" or "Mess"? I always LOVE to eat in the Sailor's Mess.)

Clue #2: Sayid later said: "I hope they resolve their kitchen issues." (He hates Lima Beans! Could this man be any more perfect? I mean apart from his having been a torturer in the past, and an assassin in the future?)

Clue #3: Someone got their brains blown out on that ship. And Johnson hasn't even mopped it up yet. (Michel is "Johnson"? I love the name. After all, "Johnson" is a traditional euphemism for "Penis", and is also the literal translation of "McEwan," Little Dougie's subtly phallic last name.)

Clue #4: Regina was reading upside down SURVIVORS OF THE CHANCELLOR by Jules Verne. In this book, a corrupt Captain illegally ships a dangerous cargo which catches fire in the hold. The survivors are adrift on a raft for almost two months, during which time, some of them resort to cannibalism. (Who would take this book with them on a sea voyage? Would you want United 93 as your in-flight movie?) One character in Verne's novel jumps off the raft and drowns rather than risk being eaten by THE OTHERS.

Clue #5: Regina then chains herself up and jumps overboard. (Speaking of Regina, a name that means "Queen," so I'm lucky I didn't marry her: I've figured out why she was so depressed that she was reading upside down, which is even harder than reading right side up. Remember dead Naomi, whose body they brought back to The Freighter? Remember dead Naomi's bracelet: "I'll love you always" or something like that, and signed "R.G."? Well, obviously Regina and Naomi were lesbian lovers. They were certainly both pretty butch, and it's about time we had some gay characters on LOST. Whoever heard of an airliner with no gay people on board? Not even one gay steward survived? Anyway, lesbians are like pigeons; they mate for life, so it's not surprising Regina was out of sorts.)

Clue #6: The hunky-but-irritable Captain, whom we were told not to trust (Like the Captain of The Chancellor), said: "Some of my crew have been dealing with what might best be described as a heightened case of cabin fever."

Clue #7: In Jin's flashback, it's The Year of the Dragon. Dragons breathe fire. The Chancellor burned for days and days. (And for what Jin spent on that stuffed panda, he could have bought a live one.)

Clue #8: Lapidus is off "Running an errand" in the helicopter for the Captain. Like a trip to the 7-11?

Clue #9: Hurley is very fat. He could feed the whole crew for weeks.

Clue #10: The Captain says they want Benjamin Linus. (Who doesn't, baby? But we should not trust the captain.)

Clue #11: Ben has "A man on the ship," (Darlings, I've got a man on every ship; often more than one.) and is a puppet-master-manipulator, so he's probably controlling them.

Clue #12: Hurley is where Ben is.

Clue #13: Myles Sturm is from the freighter. He's so hungry, he was last seen eating an explosive pineapple.

Clue #14: The last thing we heard Ben say to Hurley was "See you at dinner."

Oh my GOD! The freighter people are there to eat Hurley!

In the previews for next week's episode, we heard Ben say, "What wouldn't a man do for his son?" This from a son who personally gassed his father ("Roger Workman") to death, but who knows how to delegate, like when he assigned Locke the job of killing his father. (Locke subcontracted the job to Sawyer.) Ben's views on father-son relations don't strike me as healthy. But then, everyone on LOST has a dad who is a bastard, except Jin, whose fisherman father is a saint, so naturally, Jin is deeply ashamed of him. "Why can't I have a nasty evil dad like everyone else?"

Well, don't let the inevitability of Your Death get you down. After all, it's not all despair. At least there's necrophilia to look forward to. Which is why I'm learning to blow mummies.

Namaste darlings.


thonnibg said...

Congrats on post # 100 Tallulah!
Good on you!

Tallulah Morehead said...

Thank you darling. 10 more posts, and I'll have a flogging for every year I've been alive.

Cheers darling.