Wednesday, March 19, 2008

A Hard Day's Two Hours on Fox

Yes that's right darlings, this is my 101st flogging. But then, you'd know that by scrolling down to my 100th flogging just below. However, if you're one of those annoying people who waits until LOST comes out on DVD to watch it, and will permit no spoilers in your presence, don't scroll down, and WATCH TV for Heaven's sake! Nothing is more annoying than: "Don't talk about the most-buzz-worthy show on TV until the DVDs come out next December!" Sorry folks, America can't sit and wait for you. And you, the idiot who has just ordered Citizen Kane from Rosebud is the sled!

If you taped The Oscars and haven't watched them yet, then Spoiler Alert! Javier Bardem won Best Supporting actor for a movie about elderly gay guys: No Cunt For Old Men.

Now to the casual viewer of this photo, it would appear that Javier is kissing Tilda Swinton's agent's ass. Actors have to kiss so many agent's asses to get jobs (I married my first agent. What does that tell you?), that they end up automatically kissing any passing agent's butt, out of habit. Some develop a taste for it. They can be tasty, but it can also lead one to turn into James Lipton, who is such a world class, Olympic-level ass-kisser that the Gay Porn Awards just nominated Inside the Actor's Studio for Best Rimming!

However, appearances can be deceiving, fortunately. You see, the picture obscures his Oscar's head. Here's a formal photo of Javier's Oscar. The unusual head was put on it at Javier's insistence.

The man is nuts for me. Here's a shot of him waking up with me at Morehead Heights after one of my special vodka and rufie cocktails, which I knew was what he really wanted, even though he only asked for an orange juice. (Did he really expect me to take an order for straight orange juice seriously? From a Spaniard yet?). He can't get enough of me, and vice versa, I assure you. (And who doesn't enjoy some vice versa?)

Meanwhile, as further proof that there is no God, as if 7 years of President Dubya weren't proof enough, America got it INSANELY wrong tonight on American Idol! They sent home Amanda Overmeyer! Okay. I can live with her leaving, as we'd seen, I'm afraid, her entire range. "Ballads are boring." she said. Well sure, since they require emotional shading, and the ability to sustain a pitch. Cole Porter, Rogers & Hart, Irving Berlin, Sondheim, what a bunch of snoozers. Ironically, her last song was Back in the U.S.S.R., which is where she'll be singing next. (Yes, I know that there is no U.S.S.R. anymore. That's part of my point. Keep up!) (Sorry. The injustice described in the next paragraph has left me a tad irritable.)

But Amanda should not have gone home this week! First they should have sent home that evil Enemy of Music, the vile and detestable Kristy Lee Cook, before she butchers another song! Do you poor, foolish KL Cook fans realize that this now means that she will be on the tour? Thousands of Americans will suffer for this, having to sit through her Godawful singing even though they never phoned in a single vote for her. The Horror! The Horror!

After butchering Eight Days a Week last week, turning it into an abomination that would even horrify patrons at Dollywood, this week she ruined You've Got to Hide Your Love Away, a song she admitted she had never heard, and selected by the title. (She should remove ""Your Love" from the title, and then take the direction.) If she doesn't even know The Beatles's songs, then she's a musical illiterate who needs to learn about music before she even tries to be a singer. Better yet, she should try being a waitress. "Eggs over easy? What's that? I've never heard of it before."

Instead, America left her on the show. The result? The Beatles had to take matters into their own hands, even though it involved John and George crawling back out of their graves. It needed to be done. Since you AI voters didn't do it, they had to

Now, what to do about moronic little dreadlock boy Jason Castro, whose musical crimes now outnumber the atrocities of his famous father? Dopey Jason said on national TV that he thought ma belle was English. He thought the song was about how Michelle was a bell? Or maybe that she was Ma Bell, the Phone Company? And he brags about this on TV? Idiot! And then he sings Michelle, a gorgeous and rightfully-beloved "boring ballad." and mangles the French pronunciation. At least he was shown up in The Stupidity Department by Simon Cowell, who didn't understand why Jason chose to do the English/French lyrics, blissfully unaware that those are the only lyrics. Simon grew up in England during the 1960s. How can he be so utterly ignorant of The Beatles songbook? He had clearly never heard many of the songs before. He called two of the songs boring (Well, they were ballads.), another one mediocre, and generally expressed disdain and unfamiliarity with the best-known songs of the second half of the 20th Century. What was he listening to in the 1960s? The Monkees?

Michael John sang portions of A Day in the Life, including the lyric "Ran a comb across my head." All I could think was, "Doesn't look like it."

In parting, The Beatles have a message they'd like to pass along.

Cheers darlings.

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