Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Elephant in the Room

According to the belovedly deranged mythology of Christianity, Easter is a celebration of resurrection, the return from the dead. Therefore, depressing as it is, it's nonetheless appropriate that this Easter weekend has marked the return from the dead of the inexplicable popularity of the overwhelmingly obnoxious Jim Carrey. Not since Pulp Fiction brought John Travolta back from Has-Been Land has a cumback been so dispiriting. And if it's not bad enough that they've brought him back, they're inflicting him on innocent children, as he further befouls the charming work of the late Dr. Seuss. Today's post-literate (i.e. illiterate) children may never discover the actual, charming books of the good Doctor, and think only that he wrote obnoxiously overblown "Family" movie vehicles for fading, comic overactors. In any event, we can be certain that the success now two weeks running of Horton Hears a Who will certainly ensure sequels. (For the record, Little Douglas himself played Dr. Seuss's Horton The Elephant some 50 years ago, in a stage production of Horton Hatches the Egg at Lunada Bay School, in Palos Verdes, California. I'm sure it was terrible, but I'm equally sure that even Little Dougie made a better, or at worst, a considerably less insufferable Horton than Jim Carrey.) Let me put it this way:

I do not like that loud Jim Carrey.
I'd rather wed a swishing fairy.
(And I should know of what I say,
As half my husbands were quite gay.)
His Horton makes me cry out "Ugh!"
I'd rather see him played by Doug.
Into Doc Suess he's sunk his hooks,
Now children will not read those books.
If animated Suess kids need,
There's a swell cartoon with Hans Conreid.
It did not maul nor broadly pander,
So why not give that film a gander?
It's on a DVD, a cinch,
Along with Karloff's lovely Grinch.
To make the sequel more than paltry,
Why not starring Roger Daltry?

I love that darling singing pommy,
Who starred in that rock opera Tommy.
If you'd prefer a diff'rent fellow,
How about Abbott and Costello?

If Bud and Lou will still cause friction,
Why not try some science fiction?
'Cause when Jim Carrey leaves you bored,
Instead we'd have a smart Time Lord.
Mike Myers and Carrey are smart alecks,
But Doctor Who can kill the Daleks!

Another movie starring Jim,
Is a prospect that I find quite grim.
But a worse thing that could bring on frowns,
Would be success for Meet the Browns.
So while Jim's hit is awfully scary,
At least it held off Tyler Perry.
I'm finished now with all my snarlings.
So I'll just sign-off cheers my darlings.

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