Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Wilde Oscars

Next Sunday they hand out the silly Oscar Awards. Look for my review here on Monday. But last night they handed out some much more meaningful awards, the 10th annual Gay Video News Awards, commonly known as the GayVN Awards, in San Francisco of course, which is to gay porn what Hollywood is to mainstream films. Now, these are the awards they should call Oscars, or rather, Oscar Wildes.

The adorable gentleman at the top of this column is bottom boy porn puppy Steve Cruz, a fan, and a friend of this flog. (And a friend of my official portrait artist, the remarkable Glen Hanson. If you haven't yet clicked on Glen over in my Social Drinking list, do so after you finish reading me. He's brilliant. Period.) Check out Steve's unsolicited blurb over in my Fan Worship list. Steve had more nominations than anyone else, but in an upset almost as big as The Simpsons Movie not being nominated for Best Animated Feature, Steve only won one award, for Best Group Scene, and he has to share it with Brendan Davies, Johnny Hazzard, Matt Majors, and Joe Strong. But then, given what he's already shared with them, the award is small potatoes. If you want to see it, it's in Link: The Evolution, from drag queen/porn director Chi Chi LaRue. Darlings, compared with Chi Chi, I'm Loretta Young - albeit on a three-day drunk. This is not an award where people say, "Just being nominated is an honor.", but when your category is Best Group Scene, what award can be as fulfilling as the work itself? And in the cases of bottoms like Steve, I mean literally fulfilling.

Another opus Steve is in that also won an award was Steve's film (Also directed by Chi Chi.) When Bears Attack, which was honored as Best Specialty Release (Bears). Thinking this was a nature film, I bought this one, and it is a scorcher for fur fans.

It has a plot that is simple, yet carries an important lesson for would-be campers and hikers: a young man, Johnny Hazzard (That's him in the middle of the cover; the only non-hairy man in the movie, like Stephen Baldwin among the hairy Baldwin Brothers.), goes up to spend a night in a cabin in the woods. He is so turned on by the beauty of nature that he gets a little carried away with himself in the flatbed of his pick-up truck, and ends up getting a bit of - let's say His Posterity - on himself, which he wipes up with his shirt, but makes the mistake of leaving the shirt outside on the truck. Never leave food outside in the woods. Sure enough, the scent of the - ah - shirt attracts bears, i.e. very hairy gay men who live in the woods, and they first have a small orgy in the truck (Steve is the center of attention in that scene), and then that evening, invade the house and treat Johnny to the best night of his life. Those six men are animals! At least, I think that's what I remember happening. Maybe I should watch it again, just to be certain I have the facts right.


I'm back. My gracious. It's two hours later. Well, busy hands are happy hands. Here's the only photograph I have from the movie which I can show you. It's the Three Bears who have the scene on the truck. From left to right, that's Hungarian sex god Arpad Miklos, a former Hunk of the Month here, and a veteran of over 60 gay porn movies, Little Stevie in the middle ("Little Stevie is, as you can see, short, but he's not really "Little" where it counts, believe me!), and Cole Ryder, a tremendous talent who should drop by Morehead Heights for some personal fan worship.

The big winner of the evening is a video called GRUNTS: THE NEW RECRUITS, a drama about basic training in the army, and all the gay sex they have to have to prepare to defend America. They should use it as a recruiting film, because it made me want to sign up. It won 9 awards, including Best Picture. Take that, There Will be Blood! Steve is in it, but he didn't win for it.

The biggest individual winner was lovely Jake Deckard. This is Jake.

Sadly, I can't show you a picture displaying his largest talent. Let's just say that for pure sculptured perfection, Jake's is a masterpiece. He won Performer of the Year and Best Actor. Here he is, acting his brains out. I'm convinced by this performance.

Little Steve made his porn debut last year in Lords of the Jungle, which contained a scene where he and Jake appeared to be - well - very friendly. That's Entertainment!

The GAYVNs are certainly more egalitarian than the Oscars, as well as rewarding films that are more entertaining than the ones Oscar honors. For instance, Best Threesome went to Nickolay Petrov, Jesse Santana, and Jason White, for a picture called Just add Water. I haven't seen it, but what makes this award stand out is that Little Nickolay Petrov, whose real name is Edmon Vardanyan, is in jail in Sarasota, Florida, charged with "traveling in interstate commerce with intent to kill, injure, harass or intimidate another person." Apparently Little Nickolay moonlights from gay porn as an enforcer, as he was allegedly hired to threaten a married couple in their late 60s into paying a debt. According to the police, he did this by beating and kicking the husband into unconsciousness, and attacking the wife with a hammer. According to the police, he has admitted this, and also admitted to discussing with his "Employers" (His THUG employers, not Jet Set Productions.) killing the couple for an additional fee, what in my business, we call a "bump." This is the sort of person who could give pornography a bad name!

Here's a look at little Nickolay, just so you know who to watch out for in the unlikely event he gets out of jail before 20 years have passed. He's going to be very popular in prison.

You know, I've let the occasional bill lapse unpaid too long. They do sometimes slip one's mind when you're deeply drunk, but no one has ever sent me a male porn star to collect before. Humph! Maybe if I let my porn bill lapse....

You know, at The Oscars, when someone isn't there to pick up their award, the booth announcer usually says something like, "Michael Caine can't be here to collect his award because he's on location making a movie.", or "Sir Judi Dench can't be here to accept her award because she's hiding in England, afraid she'd lose.", or "Woody Allen isn't here this evening because he has a clarinet gig, and he doesn't give a rat's ass about The Oscars." But I've yet to hear "So-and-so can't be here to accept his award tonight, as he's in jail for hitting an elderly woman with a hammer. Accepting the award for him is Robert Blake."

When Elia "The Rat" Kazan was up for a Lifetime Achievement Oscar a couple years back, many people protested this disgusting man, who ruined people's lives during the Red Scare of the Fifties out of craven cowardice, being honored merely because he was the most talented and influential director of the 20th Century. Many in the Academy felt that his being a shithole human being should outweigh his undeniably great work. But The GAYVNs don't care if you're a violent thug who beats old people senseless for money. If your scene was the biggest turn-on, you win. If you can fuck great on screen, it doesn't matter if you're fucked up offscreen. They're all about the craft. That is a true meritocracy!

Cheers darlings.


thonnibg said...

When bears atack is really a fantastic movie!

Tallulah Morehead said...

I agree. I think it may be Smokey The Bear's finest, and most erotic, performance. And Yogi, who knew he had such a HUGE pic-a-nic basket?

Thanks for posting.


Masculine Man Blog said...

Arpad Miklos is the best! I love is video at Mmmmm mmmm....