The Scariest Oscars

As the sexy and hilarious Jon Stewart pointed out, this year, The Oscars were going to psychos, serial killers, murderers, and fiends, and the acting awards went to people who played psychos as well. They even gave an Honorary Award to Robert Boyle (Look out Bobby; that award means you're DOOMED!), Alfred Hitchcock's production designer, the man who designed Mount Rushmore! (It is, after all, just a movie set.) They were the scariest Oscars since the year of The Silence of the Lambs.

Stewart incidentally, said that to figure out your Stripper Name, you take your pet's name and the name of the street you grew up on. This makes Little Dougie's Stripper Name Godzilla Palos Verdes Drive West. I spent my childhood on the road in vaudeville, so my Stripper Name would be Snatches Route 66.

I saw Wesley Snipes in the audience, nice to see his bail was extended.

Let's get to the good news right away: overwhelmingly sexy Spanish superstud Javier Bardem won Best Supporting Actor. Here he is, enjoying his award.

Now that's an award I can get behind! Or in front of. Which ever he prefers.

Javier was babbling obscenities to his Mom in Spanish from the stage (I'm assuming they were obscenities, as my Mexican housekeeper, Contracepción, fainted dead away as he said them.), which seems an odd way to accept an award. But not as odd as then making out with his mother on international television, in front of millions of viewers worldwide. Ew! Put those tongues away, Bardems. Actually, Javier's mother, Pilar Bardem, is a movie star herself, with over 100 film credits in Spain. I like that Javier is willing to make out with elderly female movie stars! I think he should be encouraged to make out with elderly female movie stars, the older the better! He should come over to Morehead Heights and make out with this elderly female movie star all night long! But not with your mother, Javier. In fact, if your mother is anything like mine was, biting would be more appropriate. Anyway, a note to Regis Philbin: Rege, it's JAVIER Bardem, not Xavier Bardem, as you blunderingly called him to his face at the beginning of the show. I know you're old Rege, but I'm older, and I know his name. It's Oedipus Bardem.

Now I am normally loathe to agree with Faux-President Dubya about anything, but maybe he's right about immigration. Perhaps a fence should be erected, or some other drastic steps be taken, to keep foreigners out of America, because last night ALL the acting awards went to foreigners! What's the matter Oscar, don't you think Americans can act? Maybe Oscar needs a trip to Guantanamo Bay, to have his patriotism tested.

When they ran the Oscar history montage, and we saw Charlie Chaplin again accepting his honorary award, Little Dougie pointed out that that was the same year Jane Fonda won Best Actress for Klute, or as he put it, when Charlie Chaplin won an Oscar for playing a little tramp, while Jane won for playing a big one.

Dider Lavergne and Jan Archibald won Best Make Up for making Marion Cotillard convincingly look French, which would be more impressive if she weren't actually French. At least it prevented us from seeing ads that referred to "The Oscar-Winning comedy Norbit." I shudder at just the thought. Fortunately, Eddie isn't stewing at home, awardless. He picked up three Razzies on Friday. Congratulations Eddie. Well earned all.

Amy Adams sang Happy Little Working Song, a parody of Whistle While You Work, without the animated animals who are the whole point of the song, thus allowing us to see that, without the animated animals, it is completely pointless and unfunny. I'll give her this, she didn't look nearly as embarrassed as she should have.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson presented an award wearing a tuxedo that completely covered up his talent.

Of course, we all enjoyed the dream montage gag, where we saw a number of people wake up screaming. Oddly enough, each and everyone of them was waking up from the same dream, one in which they find themselves hearing the dreaded words "George Dubya Bush has just been re-elected to a third term!"

The second nominated song, Raise It Up, was energetically performed by the Not-Mormon Tabernacle Choir. You can tell they're not Mormons, because black Mormons are rarer than honest Republicans, or liberal Mormons.

When The Mozart of Pickpockets (Who, incidentally, is hated by The Salieri of Pickpockets.) won Best Short Film, Phillippe Pollet-Villard began speaking in French to Javier Bardem's mother, but she wouldn't give him any tongue. That's all for her boy.

The annoying Jerry Seinfeld Bee from that movie no one over three years old saw gave Best Animated Short Film to Peter and the Wolf. I must again point out that Walt Disney made this film in 1946, so they took their sweet time about it. Stop-motion animator Hugh Welchman went up on stage to accept Walt Disney's Oscar holding his Peter in his hand. Why didn't Javier do that?
Here's a picture of Dustin Hoffman admiring Tilda Swinton's agent's butt! Watch out WGA. Tilda ad-libbed a speech funnier than most of the evening's scripted banter.

When Josh Brolin was reading the nominees for Best Screenplay Adapted From Another Medium, he mispronounced novelist Ian McEwan's last name as "McKuen," instead of saying it correctly: Mc E Wan, exactly as it's spelled. It is, of course, Little Dougie's last name also, so he was bitching and moaning, saying, "Do you know how insulting it is to have one's name mispronounced on The Oscars by Barbra Striesand's step-son? Fuck you, Jock Broling!"


The annoyingly helium-voiced Christian singer Kristen Chenowith sang another nominated song from Enchanted, (A film I grew less interested in seeing every time one of it's songs got trotted out.) the first line of which (and entire premise of) is "How does she know you love her?" Well, I've always found that his erection is usually a large clue. And if it isn't, then who cares if he loves you?


Halle Berry and Sir Judy Dench presented Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing. (Does anyone besides sound men understand the difference between these two awards? Is there a difference?) Halle and Sir Judy both looked the best they have in years, and Sir Judy has even grown a nice little beard, so people will stop mistitling her as Dame Judy. Both awards went to The Bourne Terrarium, so obviously the Academy can't tell the difference either.


Nice to see that Colin Ferrall's hair has grown back since he shot his sex tape. In fact, it's grown back too much. Colin, a little trim would look nice.


It became obvious that Best Actress was going to go to the Frenchwoman, when the award was moved up 90 minutes from it's usual honored position near the end of the show, to be sandwiched in between the sound Oscars, and the editing Oscar, three awards that ought to be given out at The Technical Oscar Ceremony (So-called, because they're only technically Oscars at all), the non-broadcast awards better known as The Boring Awards. If they keep giving Best Actress to French women in movies no one saw, they will end up getting moved to The Technical Awards Ceremony as well.


Incidentally, Best Editing (That's the award they give out while you're in the bathroom.) also went to The Bourne Aquarium. Who could have seen that sweep coming? For a few minutes, it looked like Jason Bourne's movie might pull off the biggest upset of all time, and win Best Picture even though it wasn't nominated. But by now, Jason Bourne would have forgotten all about it.


They ran a montage of clips from every one of the 79 previous Best Picture winners. What the hell is The Greatest Show on Earth doing in that list? That movie blows! For that matter, Mrs. Miniver, Going My Way, The Sound of Music, Oliver, Rocky, Ordinary People, Dances With Wolves, Braveheart, and Gladiator, are all, to varying degrees, lame also. Gone With the Wind, COULD have been a great movie, only they ruined it when that whore Vivien Leigh was miscast as Scarlett O'Hara instead of me. I will never understand the Oscar given to Hamlet, an incomprehensible Scandinavian ghost story, the only foreign language movie ever to win Best Picture. By the way, did you know that Billy Wilder's Best Picture winner, The Apartment, is known in England as The Flat?


Gray's Anatomy's Dr. McDreamy was introduced as "The versatile and handsome Patrick Dempsey." I had no idea that Dempsey sometimes bottoms!


The laugh was on the winners of Best Documentary Short Subject. The award was announced by American soldiers in Baghdad. The winners had to go to Iraq to pick up their awards. Then the award went to a film about lesbians, which means the army shouldn't have been asked, and shouldn't have told. I see dishonorable discharges in the future. But how lovely to have an award presented to a film about anti-gay discrimination by members of an organization that officially discriminates against gay people. It was a good thing the American soldiers didn't also announce the winner of Best Documentary Feature, since it was about the use of torture by our boys in Guantanamo Bay. "And the winner is a film about what inhuman fiends we have become under George Bush."


I'm pleased to announce I was not included in the Dead Stars Montage once again. Sadly, neither was Emily Perry, Brad Renfro, nor Roy Scheider. Oh well, it's not like Roy was ever in any good or successful movies.


Okay, about Diablo Cody, winner of Best Original Screenplay for Juno, a movie about my Internet server. First off, am I supposed to believe it says "Diablo" on her birth certificate? Why not just name the kid Satan? But maybe it's her Stripper Name. Maybe she has a kitty named Diablo, and lives on Cody Street. Hey, if Little Dougie could perform a decent lap dance (Isn't "Decent Lap Dance" a contradiction in terms?) he might have a film deal too. You have to love her tasteful tattoo, and her good taste in wearing a sleeveless gown so the whole world could enjoy her soft-core, pin-up, arm-porn. Anyway, here she is, showing the class synonymous with strippers, by fellating her Oscar for the cameras. Gotta love the equally tasteful skull-and-crossbones earrings too.



My favorite Diablo moment was when Harrison Ford offered her the envelope with her winning name card, and she snatched it from his hand, turned her back on him, and strode offstage. I couldn't do that no matter what Harrison Ford was handing me. He's Harrison Fucking Ford! I'd at least shake his hand! Preferably, I'd grab him, drag him backstage, and show him what he's missing with that bundle of sticks, Calista. I suppose that, as a former (I'm assuming the "former") stripper, she's used to meeting stars, but this wasn't Jeremy Piven or Andy Dick. This was HARRISON FORD! Oh well, pearls before writers. At least she's a writer who gets laid. There's a rarity. And it was classy of her to thank the other nominees, I assume for losing.

Well, class was reestablished a moment later, when Queen Elizabeth knighted Daniel Day-Lewis with his second Oscar.



Best Direction? Do I have to do that joke again? The winner was "Down," which is the direction Cody and I prefer to go.


Extremely openly gay producer Scott Rudin not only thanked his male lover, but called him "Honey" from the stage. Perhaps this is why he won for producing a movie which, in my hastily scribbled notes, is called merely "No Cunt". Hmmm. Someone should have said that to Jane Fonda a week ago.


I need some sleep - well - some vodka, and then some sleep. Wake me for next year's ceremony.

Cheers darlings.