The Horror of Being "Benjamin"!

 Coach Benjamin Wade: "If anybody calls me 'Benjamin' to my face, I'm gonna go nuts!"

Funniest line I've heard all week. Honestly. What could be more disgraceful, insulting, and humiliating than to be called "Benjamin"? This is why Master B. Franklin of the Founding Fathers always insisted friends call him "The Stove," and, in his later years, his homies all called him: "C-Note."

Oscar-winner Benjamin Affleck. You may debate his acting chops, but not his beauty.

 Though I haven't been writing about Survivor, I have been looking at the grotesque spectacle. Russell Jr has a future (a short future) as a horror movie subject. That boy is one troubled mess of conflicted feelings: his desire to be a Good, God-Fearing Boy clashing with his need to rape the Delilahs who are intentionally tempting him by breathing and walking around and stuff, and to then bury them in shallow graves down near Redemption Area, coupled to his inability to keep his mouth closed, all coated with his genuine stupidity, make him a scary study in psychosis. I was actually shocked he wasn't voted out last week, when everyone learned that he was lying to everyone, betraying all confidences, Russell's nephew, and seriously unbalanced, but no. They chose to evict Scary Stacy, The Diva Mortician, who is good with people, once they are dead. Her live social game is disturbing.

Ok, beware Benjamin Linus, although word is, he's reformed.

 Imagine you are all alone except for a camera crew out in Redemption Area, late, late at night, trying to sleep, and without warning, Stacy touches your shoulder, with her hands that handle The Dead. I would SCREAM!!!

Stacy, who may have escaped from the Blaxploitation version of Six Feet Under, explained to us that Tribal Council was all "fake." We know this. It's a TV show. It's fake, like Stacy's sanity. This woman has serious anger issues. I understand not wanting to be hugged by Benjamin. No one in their right mind (which, ironically, excludes Stacy right there) ever wants to touch, let alone be hugged by, Voldepussy. But she has full-on rage happening. Her stiffs - I mean clients, don't give her trouble like this.

Christine to Stacy: "I was hoping it wouldn't be you." In her situation, I'd hope it wasn't Stacy also. I'd be hoping for Albert to come tap, tap, tapping at my backdoor, to be perfectly frank.

Stacy: "All you-all goin' straight to Hell with gasoline drawers on." Yes, just the person I want telling me bedtime stories as she tucks me in, all alone with a camera crew out on Redemption Area at Midnight.

Benjamin Bratt is so dreamy!

 "I don't care what people think of me out here," sobbed Russell Junior, lying once more, as it is painfully obvious that he does care what people think of him, or else, why bother to tell us "I'm a good guy"? And why cut out the eyes of his victims who have seen his lust and his sin, which they, the Temptresses, the Delilahs, the Jezebels, deliberately provoked from him, if not because he couldn't stand the accusations that flashed in their dead eyes as they looked at him. Or was that someone else? The case is still unsolved.

Benjamin was hoping that Albert, beautiful Albert, and that Playboy Bunny-Delilah person (How ironic that as she's out here being a Playboy Cover Model, The Playboy Club became one of the first cancellations of the new season.) would report back from the Duel For Redemption that Christine and Scary Stacy keep their mouths closed like good little soldiers, and not spill any beans to the other side. Has he met Scary Stacy? Did he see, when Russell Junior first came out of the Hantz closet and confessed his Bad Seediness, the triple-take Stacy did at the "revelation," one that Daffy Duck would consider overdone? And then there's the small problem of what possible motive would Scary Stacy have not to use her last remaining weapons, "Tribe Intel"?

Stacy on Coach: "Adults call him Benjamin." I've heard adults call him Voldepussy. Now Stacy might have gotten by if it had stopped there, but helpful Christine had to chime in: "Whether he likes it or not," thus exposing the essential pettiness of the matter. Jeff was on it in an instant, and went right after the underlying pettiness of refusing to call him "Coach," utterly eroding the "adult" portion of the Rage-With-Dignity pose Stacy had chosen for her appearance. But full-on craziness awaited, once Jeff got her mouth going, and he knew then to sit back, like the "clients" she talks to all day long, every day, as she pumps them full of Formaldehyde. The Dead never call her "crazy," or at least, not twice.

Albert, accurately, called Stacy's rant "Sour grapes." It was, big sour grapes, in a big sour whine, but what most of it also was, was incomprehensible, barely intelligible, and dependant on mental leaps she was making alone. Anyway, she got across that Benjamin was running his tribe, much like Ozzie thinks he's running his tribe.

I love the catch-the-balls-in-the-swirly-ramps challenge. It works best as an elimination challenge, with five or more people. All those balls whizzing, and the faltering concentration that, one-by-one, eliminates folks makes for great viewing. As a one-on-one duel, it depended on only a single error, which is a waste of its potential. There was never any doubt that Stacy would lose it. She was enraged, and few things monkey with your concentration more than being enraged. Believe me, I know, God fucking damn it!

Of course, having Jeff Probst hollering stuff at you interferes with concentration also. And he missed a great opportunity to announce, on CBS: "Ladies, its time to drop your balls."

Stacy: "I'm a diva." Ah yes, one of the many, beloved Diva Morticians popular culture is so enamored of. She's like Tina Turner, as she would be if she were up to her elbows in a human cadaver.

Albert was mad at Stacy letting the other tribe know that he is Benjamin's Bitch. "These were the things I thought we'd be able to keep under the radar pretty well. Just pisses me off." Yes, isn't it awful how, when you make an enemy, that enemy then does stuff you wish she wouldn't?

Albert predicted: "Coach is gonna be pissed." Close. If they'd had a reasonable supply of vodka, say 9 or 10 gallons, he'd have gotten good and pissed, but as it was, he merely got pointlessly peeved. He so wanted revenge against Stacy who is totally gone now, beyond his reach. She is with The Dead now, literally. (And you know how work piles up when you're out of the office for two weeks.)

"If anyone calls me 'Sir Benjamin' to my face, I'm gonna go nuts. I will go all Medieval on his diaper."

And so we learned that "Benjamin" is the worst thing you can call someone. "Who's 'Benjamin'?" asked Russell - Shh, My Last Name, Which is Tattooed All Over Me, is a Secret - Junior. That boy is swifter than snails.

Benjamin Graduates

Benjamin: "My parents call me 'Coach'." Oh who do you think you're kidding? Your parents never call you.

Over in Red Tribe Land Elyse is in full Manson Girl Mode for Ozzy. She saw how being a total Susan Atkins to Boston Rob and Russell in past seasons had worked out well for those floaters, and decided to be a floater here. In the words of Pennywise the Dancing Clown: "We all float down here, and when you're down here, you'll float too!"

Not a Benjamin. It's Pennywise, the Dancing Clown.

Ozzy also saw the last season of Survivor, and thinks he's The-Boston Rob-Who's-Done-Porn. Unfortunately, as he will quickly find out today, this isn't a repeat of last season. Everyone else saw last season also, and the others are not happy little Manson Girls.

Elyse thinks it's just cute as Hell the way Cochran works at camp, instead of spending all day sunbathing in her Playboy Mansion Lifestyle. Imagine. If he'd only take the time to tan like she does, he wouldn't be so pasty. (You know, Elyce actually looks like Susan Atkins in 1968, with just a touch of Patricia Krenwinkle.)

Elyse took Cochran's "Little Engine That Could" appellation and instantly, without even meaning it as meanly as it was, emasculated him further into "The Little Cochran That Could." Actually, most of the Little Cochrans I've encountered over the centuries could, it's just, who wanted them too? Cochran refused to confirm the proper spelling of "Cochran" to Ozzy, to keep him from being able to write it on a ballot. If certain past contestants have proved anything, it's that in Tribal Votes, spelling does not count. (Remember "Ressell"?) And in any event, I'm sure Ozzy could spell "Jew Boy" without a problem.

Ozzy saw Benjamin's dominance of his tribe as Natural and Good; the Way the World Works. So did Susan Atkins. However, Hairy Pothead, Dawn, Cochran, and even Keith the attractive-but-mildly-vacant one, felt a new game plan was needed, one where Ozzy didn't ride on their backs to a shot at the big money. (And if they'd enjoyed Ozzy's porn career as I have, they'd know that Ozzy is experienced at riding a co-star's back to a big money shot.)

Jim, aka Hairy Pothead, picked up instantly that Ozzy's unasked-for advice to Benjamin to eliminate Albert (Heresy!) translated into his own plans to eliminate Keith and Hairy. Of course, Ozzy's real plan is to eliminate Cochran, but Cochran, for all his social ineptitude, is smarter than the rest of his tribe combined, and saw that in encouraging the "Ozzy-is-the-threat" campaign, his - ah - bacon would be safe from the fryer again.

Why do I love Survivor? Well part of it is that it occasionally throws stuff at me like Albert's Idol Hunt. Sure his early display of smartness in finding the clue was quickly negated by his sharing it with Benjamin and the dumpy broad, thus allowing Benjamin to go out and actually find the idol (So the idols are both found, and in the possession of the two vets, natch.), but so what? He was shirtless and gorgeous every moment of it. Look at him: physically flawless, and in those wet-shorts walking-shots, clearly hung like a sperm whale, handsome, level-headed, smart-but-not-too-smart. He is The Perfect Man! Tallulah is in love....

We heard Albert say: "I'm gonna have a target on my back once we come to the merge," over a beautiful shot of his walking full back to camera, head-to-toe shot, with him wearing a buff on his head, shoes, and some VERY tight, damp shorts, as indeed my own shorts were becoming quite damp just watching this shot. All I could think was, "That target will be just below your back, gorgeous."

We watched Benjamin pray to whatever weird god he believes in (Yottle? Yog-Sothoth? Baron Munchhausen? Mary Baker Eddy?) to find the idol. He must have prayed to something powerful and big, because he shortly thereafter found the idol. (By looking for it, not by waiting for a "sign".) The only thing big enough to do that which I know Benjamin believes in is his own Awesomeness, so he undoubtedly was praying: "To My own Awesomeness..."

The best parts of Benjamin and Gerold.

 We saw Benjamin make downward-stroking gestures into his seated-lap as he said: "Now I gotta get a hold of myself, and just say: 'Dragon, get back in there'." Benjamin smug in victory is always a sickening sight, but this had him literally aroused, and I don't want to contemplate Benji stroking his dragon, and talking to it, as he forces it back into his pants.

Cochran's Excellent Fishing Expedition really went no where, and was mostly an excuse for gorgeous underwater-photography of Ozzie spearing helpless little animals. Cochran's contribution to the expedition consisted of - ah - his presence, you know, in case a smart Jewish lad of no physical skills should suddenly be needed to - ah - to know something. Yeah, that's it. He was crucial!

Ozzy told us: "Fishing's not easy. It might look easy to somebody watching it at home." Actually, to this viewer watching it at home, it looks impossible. Hollywood Squares looks easy. Underwater hand-spear fishing looks impossible.

"I feel like they're finally becoming My Tribe." said Ozzy, as  we watched him walk ashore carrying his catch, home is the warrior, home with his kills. Ozzy is one Tribal Council away from learning they are not His Tribe.

Ok, he's a loony Creationist, and nearly 40 years on, he's still kissing Richard Nixon's ass, but still, he has money to win.

 Cochran's description of Ozzy as "Mowgli-esque" broke me up. That wasn't Disney's Jungle Book. This one was The Bare Necessities. 

  

Not a Benjamin, but he'd have been great at the Immunity Challenge!

I loved the roasted pig challenge. It was disgusting, and it forced Cochran to eat pork, but it was great TV. The only real problem was that, after a 2-ounce loss, it was impossible to assign blame. Not even Elise sat back with a "No thanks. none for me. I'm dieting," or a "Meat? Are you serious? No way. I'm a vegan." I don't know how Hairy Pothead felt after hearing Jeff yell out "Jim with a huge piece of meat at the end," but I'm guessing he was flattered. I'm sure this was far from the first time Benjamin has heard someone yell: "Coach gnawing off something big." I suspect the man is part beaver anyway. He's all pussy. When Jeff yelled out "Dawn with a big hunk of meat," I expected Dawn to mutter: "Oh great, Prom Night all over again!"

Did you get the feeling that this is how Russell Junior always eats?

Jeff Probst: "Now Brandon can't get his out. Rick pulls it out. Both tribes getting to know each other in a whole new way." I'm reminded of the night I learned what "Circle Jerk" means. I was amused by Russell Junior's quiet, automatic "Thank you" to Rick. He was raised right. Not to have brains or be intelligent, but to be polite. I see him in my mind's eye, sitting over the shallow grave he's just buried Mikayla in, sobbing out a very sincere "I'm terribly sorry, ma'am", as he apologizes, and explains that he had to kill the temptress for making him rape her, because he's a good boy. And it's nothing personal, ma'am.

Jeff Probst: "Whatever is in your mouth, put in your basket, then walk away." If only I had a martini for every date I ever went on that ended with those words, sometimes spoken by a cop, once by President Roosevelt. (You should have seen Eleanor's face, which wasn't easy, given the position she was in.)

So the winning team got to keep the spat-out meat? And they took it back to camp and ate it? That was the single grossest Survivor moment to me since they ate the rats a decade ago. Really, truly disgusting. Remember, lots of the players got cut mouths and gums playing this challenge, so they BLED on the food also. I just hope the next challenge wasn't inspired by the Human Centipede movies. (I wanted that role. I was perfect. Instead, I'm going to be in this cheap knock-off of it, The Human Caterpillar.)

 The important thing about how the challenge turned out is that Albert is safe for another week.

Russell Junior made the "feast" of recycled pork. I guess he's used to recipes involving hand-me-down food. "Hey! This meat has only been in one, or at worst, two mouths. Growing up, my par on most dinners was four mouths. And only in their mouths this time too. This is luxury."

Elyse: "We're all gonna have pig guts break-outs tomorrow." Her grasp of science is every bit as weak as Cochran's grasp of society, when he suggested that eating pig will give them all "Oral Herpes." To what terrible extreme did Mama Cochran go to scare her son into keeping Kosher? Or was it just because every guy in his high school that got herpes, got them from, they said, the same pig?

"Doesn't everyone have herpes?" asked life-of-the-party Cochran. He really doesn't get out much, does he?

Ozzy was weirded out by Cochran working a lot, and felt quite secure in his tribe's willingness to vote out someone who contributes constantly over someone who lies around in a bikini all day, saying stuff to Ozzy like: "You're a good guy." (Which, to be fair, to Ozzy, does constitute "contributing.") Ozzy is soon to stop living on Planet Ozzy.

Hairy Pothead believed Keith and he were "on the same page." Maybe so, but in different paragraphs. Keith did not want to blindside Ozzy through Elyse. He and someone called Whitney, whom they swear was on the show prior to her materializing at this point in this episode (Like Nikki & Paolo materializing in season 3 of Lost, and we were supposed just to believe they'd been there all along. Sure. Pull the other one. No! I said the other one!) both liked undermining Ozzy, if they could do it without seeming to do it. The term for this sort of play is "Chickenshit."

They edited the Tribal Council to make it look like Cochran was in deep crap, and this was also part of blindsiding Ozzy by voting out Elyse.

Jeff gave Dawn a chance to go off on Cochran, but she's a Mormon lady from Utah who's probably never seen a Hebrew in person before in all her life, apart from local Indians (Never forget, Mormans believe really weird, stupid stuff.) and in Woody Allen movies. She thinks Cochran is cute as a button, and there's no way she's got the taste to detect the difference in wit between Woody Allenisms written by one of the great jokesmiths of the last 70 years, and Cochran's "hilarious" assertion that they'll all get Oral Herpes from eating that pigmeat.

When Dawn mentioned Cochran's "joke" about all getting a communicable disease, from sharing tainted, unsanitary meat, she said: "I don't know where you get that." Dawn, you get that in science class. Try spending less time in church and more time in a science class. Read  a book by Richard Dawkins or Carl Sagan or Stephen Hawking instead of by Joseph Smith, excuse me, by the Angel Moroni.

Well Elyse suffered a classic blindside that hit Ozzy as hard as it hit her. Loved it.

Anyway, I'm on record: I like a lot of Benjamins.

But there are creepy bad Bens too. One is called "Coach," because all the other Bens, including the rat, voted him off of the name.

Cheers darlings.