BIG News Coming! (Plus Survivor)

Have you been dying for a good book to read since finishing reading my autobiography, My Lush Life? Well there is good news on the horizon, for Skeletor here, and for all of you. Details remain to be hammered out, no dates have been set yet, and the release date is apt to be a year away, but I can confidently state now that the sequel to My Lush Life, modestly titled Tallyho Tallulah, is coming, as an eBook for Kindle and other eBook formats, and as a Print-on-Demand hard copy for you Luddites like myself that like real books on your shelves. Like I say, publishing moves slower than a glacier, but wait long enough, and you get the majesty that is Yosemite Valley. In any event, a literary treat for my fans is on the way. Be patient and your patience will be rewarded with the funniest book of the 21st Century. The hard parts, the writing and the finding of a publisher, are finished. Soon, darlings, soon.

One of my ex-husbands, looking to see what I said about him.

You need a better mask, Little Russel. With this one, we still know who you are.

There are other things in life than Survivor this week, as Mohamar Gaddafi could tell you if he hadn't been shot like a dog with a depraved owner. They say his last words were pleading for mercy. He received the same mercy he'd shown thousands. Should he have been taken to The Hague, legally tried, and then hanged? Sure. Sadly for him, his captors hadn't the patience. Boo hoo.

Saddam Hussein found in a "rathole." Qadaffey (Never spell it the same way twice.) found hiding in a drainage pipe. Good lord, don't any of these super-villains have any huge luxury hideaways under volcanoes, or stylish private cheateaus atop the Swiss Alps, or undersea cites, like normal super-villains? Blofeld would be laughing. Khaddaffei was last seen dead in a drainage ditch. Now the EPA is fining him for pollution.

It's a mid-life career change for Khaddafi. (Kay Daffy? Quadraffini?) He's doing Snuff Films now, except he made a rookie mistake in the area of casting.

Anyway, Qadaffi (Quadaffie? Kadaffi? Ghadaffay? Cadaddfei? Gdaffy Duck?) is dead. The "Occupy Tripoli" protesters can go home now.

Meanwhile, in the South Pacific, Survivor was continuing. Ozzy's tantrum was hilarious. How many people has he helped blindside in past Survivor seasons? And yet, when his little girl friend got blindsided and he learned that "his" tribe was not playing for him to win as Rob's had, he was indeed all pissy about it. What does it mean, Ozzy? It means you're not in control. So what does he do? He does his best to further alienate the tribe, and makes the idiot blunder of telling them he has the idol, just to brag that he was smarter than they all are. Never tell people you have the idol! That's begging to be blindsided.

"I'm now what's called a free agent," the moron said. Does he think the other tribe will bid for him?

"He's behaving like a stupid bitch," said Cochran, anxious to show why he's still a virgin. Way to charm the ladies.

The Blue Tribe is still eating that saliva-and-blood-soaked pork. Ew.

Little Russell was out idol-hunting, and Benjamin, who has the idol, and Albert, who is an idol and knows Benjamin has it, were happy to watch the little idiot waste time on his futile search, as was I. Benjamin, who talks endlessly about playing an "honorable" game and never lying (recipe for losing Survivor), decided that not-telling little Hantz he had the idol didn't constitute an actual lie. Let's see how well he succeeds at not lying to Little Hantz.

Little Hantz was gleeful that he found the clue where Albert had left it for him. Benjamin was right that Little Hantz does indeed have his uncle's walk. Stuff was said, but it's hard to hear when Albert is shirtless, though I did catch Benjamin's comment that they wanted to play "as Christian men," which I assume means burning Cochran at the stake as a heretic.

Little Hantz: "You wouldn't think someone has it already, would you?"

"I don't think so," said Benjamin as the idol nestled deeper into his pocket. Ok, Benji, that's not withholding information. That's an active lie. Your pledge to play the game without lying to him, which you swore to, is out the window. A liar and a hypocrite. Yup, he's playing as a Christian man all right. Lies and hypocrisy are Christianity's centuries-long stock-in-trade.

Benji's excuse for going back on his oath to tell Little Hantz no lies? He reminds Ben of Big Hantz. Was that in his oath? I will always tell you the truth, unless you remind me of your uncle, and then I'll be the same lying hypocrite he was.
 

Martini Shuffle Bored.

They should rename Redemption Area Arena as Bitterness Stadium. Christine, all class, flipped her former tribemates The Bird. What is she, 7? She looks 47. Jeff asked Elyse about playing in front of people who had voted her out. Actually, her tribemate spectators were Ozzy and Keith, neither of whom voted for her, but she didn't know that, or much of anything else. She thought her attach-herself-as-concubine/whore-to-a-strong-veteran-player strategy would carry her to the end. Oops. When just being the Alpha-Dolt's bitch won't get you to the end of Survivor, then the terrorists have won.

Dalton Ross over at Entertainment Weekly doesn't like the shuffle bored challenges, but I do. It's better than watching footage of puzzle-solving. You can follow this game and tell who's doing well and who isn't, and it takes some skill. Elyse managed the rare come-from-behind-loss.

Jeff Probst: "What do you take away from this?"

Elyse: "I think for me, I take a sense of accomplishment, because I gave my all." Hello? So lounging about all day in a bikini, tanning while flattering Ozzy, and being asked to sit out challenges because she's useless, is her "all"? Her "all" isn't very much. She got eliminated in the first half of the game. I think she should take away from this a sense of Failure, because, by pretty much any measure, she failed, utterly and totally.

Jeff should have sent her off with: "Elyse, your adventure - is pathetic. Get out of my sight." But he didn't.

That's my ride in the background. Captain Nemo is so hot. He calls me his little Giant Squid.

Over on the Blue Tribe, Not-Dame Edna has also adopted the attach-yourself-to-the-returning-veteran strategy. This is working better for her because the Blue Tribe has forgotten their initial repugnance at acquiring Benjamin, and are following this moron like sheep. At least Not-Dame Edna's way of doing it is not to lie about tanning, but to seek out food, work around camp, kiss Benji's ass endlessly, and walk on Benjamin's spine. If only she'd crack it. If he suddenly became a paraplegic, Survivor would stop bringing the delusional creep back.

So Mikayla the Delilah is now Benji's target for elimination. Come on, you bozos; get rid of Little Hantz. He's a loose derringer. (That little twerp is no cannon.) He's a mixture of stupid, ignorant, religious, and Texan, and that is a recipe for a camp full of corpses.

In the Red Tribe, Ozzy suddenly noticed he was playing on his own, and that that would guarantee his losing, so he came dragging back, tail between his legs (Well, emotionally. His little bit of tail was just sent home.), apologizing for being a dick, and fully realizing that revealing he had the idol was basically, really, really stupid. But Cochran and Hairy Pothead both know they need to keep the target on Oz The Great and Peevish. Keith, nice-looking, well-built, is still worshiping at the Oz shrine. Keith is cute, but a balless dope.

I've got a lovely bunch of cocoanuts.

Great challenge, and whomever designed the transformer wheelbarrow/giant slingshot is a genius.  In addition to Immunity, the winners got to go slide down rocks into a lovely pool, and a third clue to the idol. If it's the Blue tribe, the clue would be:

"If your idol-seeking energy is starting to lag,
Look in the pocket of the moronic windbag."

Whereas, if the Red Team wins, the clue would be:

"You won't find the idol,
And that is because,
It's already been found,
By the douchebag named Oz."

We had a come from behind win this time. The red tribe was hopeless at the wheelbarrow-through-the-zig-zag course part, giving the blue tribe a huge lead which the blues managed to blow by having Benji, Albert and Mikayla do the slingshotting. Albert was great at it. He is a professional athlete. Mikayla was mindlessly doing it one-handed because, you know, aim isn't important when shooting at targets. At The Playboy Mansion, Hef preferred the girls to shoot one-handed, as it displayed their tits better, and Hef didn't give a rat's ass if the girls scored or not as long as he did. Benji suggested twice that she sit it out, but she wouldn't, despite the fact that she never hit a target, even by accident.

But Benji was not shooting any better than she was. He also never hit a target. They both should have sat down and let Albert win the challenge for them, but noooooo. So instead, the red tribe came from behind and won. "It's Mikayla's fault we lost, " said Benji, who played every bit as badly as she did. It was both of their faults they lost. Ah, I can never get enough of that old-school Christian hypocrisy.

Jeff hands their fake idol to Ozzy, ignoring me, a True Idol of Millions.

The Red Tribe had a lot of fun at the sliding rocks. They got a picnic along with the natural water park stuff. That's nice.

Falling for Ozzy.

Benji decided instantly that the elimination candidates were just Delilah and Not-Dame Edna, and since Not-Dame Edna was his personal slave, he decided to make Li'l Hantz's sick dreams come true, and vote out the temptress. His stated reason was that she blew the challenge, but he blew it equally, and he wasn't nominating himself. More fine, aged-in-wood Christian hypocrisy.

Albert however, was of the opposite opinion, and campaigned to keep Mikayla and lose Not-Dame Edna. Hey! What about Li'l Hantz? Vote out the borderline psycho. (Okay, he's not "borderline.") Trust me. Vote him out, before he gets rid of you - with a machete while you sleep. You'll wake up just long enough to watch yourself bleed out, while listening to Li'l Hantz apologize and explain that The Lord told him to gut you.

"Trust me. I can get Coach to listen to me," said Albert, as he scrubbed a skillet shirtless. (Albert. I have a dirty skillet too. Could you come over and scrub mine shirtless too? I'll make you very glad you did. Just let me know long enough in advance to dirty up a skillet.) The problem is, the only voices Benji ever listens to are the ones in his head.

Mikayla referred to Not-Dame Edna as "Almost double my age." Not-Dame Edna is 35. Mikayla claims to be 22, which means she's probably 40, but let's pretend she is 22. Double 22 is 44. 35 is not "almost" 44. Mikayla apparently flunked math, unless she shagged the instructor. Wait. Maybe she meant to say that Not-Dame Edna was almost double Mikayla's IQ. That I believe, and Not-Dame Edna is no genius. (However, Real-Dame Edna is a genius.)

Albert's position was that Not-Dame Edna was useless at challenges, which is why they sat her out. This ignores that Mikayla was also useless at the challenge. He also said Not-Dame Edna is smart. I have so far seen no evidence of her being smart. I guess he's just assuming she's smart because she's Asian.

Benji's position was that Not-Dame Edna is his slave. Mikayala is not.

Albert to Li'l Hantz: "Honestly, the way we came together on day two was real and legitimate. And the way, I feel, Edna was brought into that group, it wasn't as authentic." This is blissfully meaning-free. Really. That is all meaningless verbiage, but he was talking to Li'l Hantz, who is an idiot, unacquainted with Reason, so there would be no point to trying to make sense. Making sense scares him. In any event, Li'l Hantz has wanted Mikayla burned at the stake ever since he first noticed that her tits make his dick hard. No one would ever sway him from voting out Delilah.

But Li'l Hantz said he would not vote out Not-Dame Edna, so he won't. Albert realized that Li'l Hantz is a dope among dopes, and gave up trying to talk to him. A man who tells you he wants to be "a Radical for God" is way too stupid to talk to about - well - anything.

Benji had a classy way of expressing why he wants to keep Not-Dame Edna: "If you were to tell Edna at the merge, Edna, I want you to follow Ozzy, even when he goes and takes a shit, and wipe his ass for him, she would." Talk about high praise! Watching the broadcast, Not-Dame Edna must have felt filled with pride. (CBS bleeped out "Shit" and "ass". Last week, on NBC's Harry's Law, the word "twat" was spoken, unbleeped, twice! Make up your minds, guardians of TV morality. Of course, everyone who watched Harry's Law, when they heard the word "twat" on network, prime time TV, well, their heads exploded and they all died. All of them. All of the millions of people watching that high-rated show died of hearing "twat" spoken aloud. It was tragic. That was how they killed Kuaddaffie, they told him that "twat" had been heard on NBC prime time twice, Mohamar thought of Condeleeza Rice, and his head exploded.)

So Rick Nelson, the Utah rancher who has spoken about three sentences all season so far, found himself the swing vote. He turns out to have no guts, no balls.

"He hee. We won the challenge, and Ozzy is making an ass of himself. Wanna Joint?"

At Tribal Council, Li'l Hantz spoke the best sentence in the whole episode, maybe all season. He was trying to use big words to sound educated and intelligent, when he plainly is neither, so he threw some multi-syllabic terms into his pronouncement. Apparently it never occurred to him that words are more than just sounds; they have meanings, so, in trying to explain that the next challenge was crucial (All Immunity Challenges are crucial) he said: "This next challenge is absolutely detrimental to the way the game turns out." Clearly he has no idea what the words he is using mean. He just chooses words at random. No wonder the Bible thumpers were able to hook this pathetically stupid young man so deeply. He goes with the words that sound best, and, say what you will about content, a lot of the King James Bible translation sounds like lovely poetry, even though it's just senseless, superstitious twaddle. (No, NBC, I said "TwaDle".) After he said it, everyone else politely refrained from saying: "Huh?"

They debated whether loyalty or numbers were important at the merge. Remember Russell going into the merge in his first season, way, way down in numbers, and his tribe still wiping out the other tribe because the idiots were falling all over each other to flip and betray each other? I'd say the loyalty vs strength debate was settled quite decisively that season. Snore.

Li'l Hantz, true to form, announced all the secret oaths they had made. That boy has less discretion than Wikkileaks. And then, Li'l Hantz launched into a morality lecture, like any intelligent adult needs a lecture from an idiot: "Nowadays, people get the misconception that we can tell a half-lie, or tell a little bit of a lie. Oh, it's just a game. Oh, it's just a cigarette. Oh, it's just a little bit of marijuana [Where was Hairy Pothead to defend pot? Back at his camp, not having lost.] Oh it's just a little - You know, that's lasciviousness. Because there is no gray. It's black or white. Period."

Where to start? First off, he's clearly quoting from what ever dumb-ass con-man preacher he has been seduced by. There's no way a boy who has no idea what "detrimental" means, knows what "misconception" and "lasciviousness" means, particularly as none of that was lasciviousness. If there is anything I know about, it's lasciviousness. I've embraced my inner lasciviousness, and my outer lasciviousness too for that matter, all my life. I admit freely that "a little bit of marijuana" is a bad thing. One should have a LOT of marijuana.

But beyond his hapless parroting of some southern Bible-thumper, there is the appalling, obvious fact that this is a boy who lives in a world of all blacks & whites. Any intelligent, educated human being knows that everything in Life is shades of gray. Everything! The mental world he inhabits is the limited world of the moron: all black & white. Scratch a moral absolutist; find a fool.

He is an idiot. I'd call him a buffoon, but I'd be insulting buffoons.

Cowboy Rick Nelson did not cowboy-up. He chickened out, and Mikayla was off to Redemption Area. After Li'l Hantz's idiot sermon, I do not understand why there was not a unanimous vote for Hantz.

Exiting, Mikayla said that Li'l Hantz always blows-up at "a stronger woman." Is she saying he's a weaker woman?

The previews for next week showed Benji leading the Blue Tribe in a group prayer. I may well vomit. Of course, he also mentioned putting a bullet into Li'l Hantz's head, which I rather like the sound of (You'll get off with self-defense anywhere but Texas.), but I know they don't have guns.

Anyway, no need to thump, nor read, any stupid Bibles. Just toke up on your shades of gray medical marijuana and await Tallyho Tallulah. It's coming, my darlings, it's coming.

Cheers darlings.

Sawyer/James Ford/LeFleur is enthralled by great literature.