Thursday, May 5, 2011

Survivor 22: Rerun Island: Acme Loved Ones.

Sausage Fest on Zombie Island: It’s all guys bunking together, bonding like shepherds on Brokeback Mountain, out on Zombie Island tonight: Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, beautiful Mike, Ralph, known to we as Mansweater, and now Steve. It’s like the Retirement Village edition of Delta House in Animal House.

Mansweater figured that, since the jury is mostly Viva Zapata losers, if one of the three Zapatans on Zombie Island can be The Resurrected One, he’d be a shoe-in to win. Maybe, but first he’d have to get around Dr. Jesus, Superstar, and he’s the one with work experience at being resurrected. On the other hand, Easter was two weeks ago.

But no one wants to be back at the hotel compound when the Navy SEALS come for Russell.

Natalie had a crying jag just because. We understand. It was a double-length Tribal Council, and she was up way past her her Beddy-Bye Time. She was overtired and over-excited. We knew there’d be tears before bedtime tonight. Maybe now, she’ll sleep through her two o’clock feeding.

Natalie is the youngest person ever to play Survivor. In fact now, at Day 30, she’s been on Survivor for half of her entire life.

Product Placement: it’s a product placement day, just putting you in that product placement mood, starting with product placement treemail. I decided that, since I don’t see a penny of Palin’s Pimp’s product placement fees, I would sell my own, Replacement-Product Placement Products. So the players got an Acme Doowacky, with 42 trillion gigawhomps of rhinoplasty. You read that right. 42.

Along with inviting all to the Quad-Doofus Tournament for Resurrection, the Acme Doohicky had moving cave paintings of Natalie’s Mom pretending to be missing her. Andrea-or-Ashley’s dad was next, but he couldn’t remember which one was his daughter, so he said “hi” to both. Then Phillip’s, aka Big Chief Numbnuts’s, sister was on, beaming with the special joy with which his family members always glow whenever they know he is safely in another hemisphere. Rob’s Loved One on the Acme Face-Showing Device Thingee was his sister, since Amber has too high a fee for Reality show appearances.

Grant’s Loved One was his brother-in-law. Is it me, or is that reaching? Where’s Mrs. Grant, the hussy? For Heaven’s sake, I’m as qualified to be Grant’s Loved One as his brother-in-law. I Love One him long time.

As if this wasn’t nauseating enough in the tribe, The Squawking Dead over on Zombie Island also got Acme Countenance-Transmitting Grelboings, so we were subjected to yet more people going emotionally nuts when seeing for the first time in a month people they normally go six months without seeing. I haven’t seen my brother-in-law in decades! Do I even still have one?

These were supposed to cheer people up, but Mansweater’s Significant Other back at the sty had to break the heartrending news to him that two of Mansweater’s chickens had - yes! - died! Oh, how fowl a deed is this? For heaven’s sakes, man (Man? Right? That is your species, correct? “Correct” means “right”.), he’s got to go out right now and fight a four-handed duel (we don’t get it either) for his life, and you drop that dead chicken emotional bombshell on him? Are you insane? Mansweater will be haunted by the specter of his two dead chickens, and possibly by one of Chief Numbnuts’s ancestors as well, while he battles for his life.

Mike had never gone 30 days without an email from his mother before. I know just how he feels. My mother died before email was invented, so I went for a whole century without ever getting an email from her, so I never had the pure, innocent, golden joy of deleting my mother’s emails unread, or of “accidentally” forwarding to her some really repugnant porn. Mike, I feel your pain.

Dr. Jesus Superstar pretended with all his might to be overjoyed to see his brother on the Acme Magic Hand-Sized Gizmo, but I wasn’t fooled. His heart was ripping in two with abandonment issues and unloved feelings from the humiliating and unmistakable snub. Yes, I said snub! After all The Doc has been through on His behalf, Jesus didn’t even bother to show up to be Dr. J’s “Loved One.” Cold, Christ, cold.

Zombie Island Quad-Doofus Tournament for Resurrection And Car Show: The first thing Jeff “Indian Giver” Probst did was repossess the Acme All-Purpose Doomsday Machine-and-Can Openers. It was like spending Christmas at Joan Crawford’s house.

The winner of the “Duel” would get to spend time with his Loved One. Jeff said: “It is a four-person duel, first time we’ve had one of these.” That is because there is no such thing as “a four-person duel.”

Simple, typically tile-phobic, challenge: the players have to smash four tiles with metal balls. First one done gets “Love From Home.” The second one done gets Indifference From Home. The third one done gets Hate From Home, and the fourth one done goes Home.

After Mansweater’s first wild toss, Jeff said: “Very close.” Well yes, it landed in the same country as the tile he was aiming for.

Just to be clear on this, for me to be rid of Dr. Jesus Superstar, Steve has to beat him. Or, pixies must fly out of my butt and sing Bohemian Rhapsody in Yiddish.

After Mike had won Love From Home (I volunteered to be his “Love From Home,” but they rudely insisted on using someone he knew. Favoritism! And then it turned out to be his Mom who showed up to give him “Love From Home.” Ew. Greek Tragedy time!), when it was down to Dr. Jesus and Mansweater having one tile left each, while Steve had, I think, more tiles left than he started out with (Five? How could he have five?), Steve clearly gave up, and was just tossing the ball without even attempting to aim it. Is that how they come from behind in the NFL? What a washout Steve was in Survivor.

This is the second time Dr. Jesus stayed alive in the game, but didn’t come in first. It looks better and better now for Mike being the Zombie who will return. (and I am certain now that that return will not come until the finale.) Mike will make one fine looking Zombie.

Ah, but Jeff had one of those evil choices for Mike to make: He could have time with Mommy, or he could let Dr. Jesus Superstar spend time with his brother, filling in for Jesus, who is on location in Vegas, and unable to get away for the shoot (He can’t be in two places at once now can he? He is only one Holy Trinity, you know!), and allow Mansweater to spend time with his “Buddy” Ronny.

“Buddy”? Is that what they’re calling it now, to keep the Mormons from outlawing it? Last week Mansweater said he was not a gay man, to the relief of every gay man and male farm animal on earth, but now he and Ronny are just itching for some fine man-neck hugging, if Mike wants to curry potential jury votes.

(Don’t read too much into Mansweater not having any relatives show up. The family of wolves that raised Mansweater wanted to be there, but they are illegal to import into Nicaragua.)

Mike could let everyone there except him have love from home, or whatever it is they have in Chief Numbnuts’s tribe. Had I been in Mike’s shoes, it would be an easy choice, if a poor shoe-fit: I couldn’t stand my mother.

Jeff asked Mike to take us through his mental steps, and Mike sent my respect for him plummeting as he began babbling about the Bible, and Jesus, who couldn’t even be bothered to come down and be Dr. Jesus Superstar’s Loved One, saying that the most important of the Commandments was to “Love your brother as you would love yourself.”

1. I’ve seen The Ten Commandments with Charleton Heston several times, and I played the Egyptian Mother of Moses opposite Steve Reeves’s Moses in Torah! Torah! Torah!” myself. And “Love your brother as you would yourself” isn’t even one of them.

2. Loving your brother the way you love yourself is still illegal in 37 states, and heavily frowned-on in most of the others, the exceptions being in certain parts of the deep south.

3. Mike has been spending too much time trapped alone with Dr. Jesus and his evil pink Bible. We’ve got to get him away from that brain-robber!

Mike chose to “[give] up your love with your Mom,” which I assume means they will now hate each other for the rest of their lives. Welcome to my world, Mike. Mike also chose to give up Dr. Jesus Superstar’s Love, and Mansweater’s “Buddy Love” (Wait! That’s a Jerry Lewis character! I imagine Dr. Jesus Superstar saying: “It’s okay. It’s not like he’s Jesus. It’s just my kid brother. He always follows me around, now all the way to Nicaragua.”) Jeff: “And you’re giving it to the six people who single-handedly decimated your tribe?”

Okay Jeff, class is in session. There will be a test later.

A. They did not “single-handedly” do anything! “Single-handedly” means one person doing something alone! They six-handedly (or 12-handedly to be really accurate) destroyed the tribe.

B. This is the third time in two weeks you’ve said Up Tempo “decimated” the other tribe. I let it go by twice. No more. “Decimated” means to be reduced by a tenth. When the Romans “decimated” a village, it meant they lined up everyone, and killed every tenth person. At the merge, if Viva Zapata had five people, and they were then decimated by the other tribe, they would then have four-and-a-half people. What Up Tempo did to Viva Zapata was to obliterate them.

Jeff, words have actual meanings. A “duel” is a contest between two, and only two. Any more players and it’s not a “duel.” An “island” is a bit of land entirely surrounded by water, not just “Another Part of the Forest” (though that is a wonderful Lillian Hellman movie.), “single-handedly” refers to something achieved by one person acting alone, and being “decimated” means being reduced by a tenth. Don’t just invent pretend meanings for words. You speak for a living. Learn the language you’re employing.

Did Mansweater’s “Buddy” Ronny say: “I love you” to Mansweater as he left? Sounded like it to me when I played it back four times, though the others were talking over him. Ronny is nicely built. He’s too good for Mansweater.

Well the important thing is, Grant got to see his brother-in-Law.

Mansweater was pissed off that he didn’t get to spend time with his “Buddy.” Mansweater said: “I think it was kind-a stoopid.” Yes, culling five potential jury votes, vs culling two potential jury votes, or no potential jury votes is so stupid. That’s what larnin’ ‘rithmatic’ll git ye.

Mansweater: “That’s something he has to live with.” Yes, giving up spending time with his mother to let six other people be happy is something that will weigh on his conscience like a ton of feathers. Oy, the guilt! How could he be so not-selfish? That anti-cad! That counter-bounder! That not-even-a-cur! His inner-Ayn Rand will be torturing him for doing the nice thing! Bastard! No neck hugs fer ye!

Mansweater: “If I’d-a been in his shoes, I’d a spent with my mom.” And his mom would have said: “Whose shoes are those? Are you stealing shoes again? Give them back, young man, right this minute!” Oh and Mansweater, Ronny isn’t your Mom; he’s your “Buddy,” and his neck longs for the scratches and abrasions only your own personal steel wool bestows on his fair flesh.

Dr. Jesus Superstar expressed gratitude for not-winning. We are all grateful when he loses. His reason was that he would not have done The Christian Thing, and sacrificed time with his annoying little brother so that others could have joy, as Jesus would tell him to do. That’s okay Doc; we knew you were a hypocrite as soon as you told us you were a Christian.

Mike then explained to Dr. Jesus that the reason God made him the winner was so that the others could have their family visits. Dr. Jesus was deprived of his win this time because God foresaw his craven selfishness. I thought God was busy in Pakistan, but I guess he gets around, and Survivor is apparently His Highest Priority. Mike, I was liking you up till now. Please shut off the God Chatter. You know why you won? You have better aim and calmer nerves under pressure. It’s your military training. Nothing to do with “God.”

Watching the Survivors show their Loved Ones and Brothers-in-Law around camp was every bit as fascinating as spending Christmas Eve with a family of strangers. Oh boy, Johnny got an electric train. Who is Johnny? What is a “train”? Where is the “Fast-Forward” button? At least at a stranger’s Christmas party, there would be food. And no Chief Numbnuts.

I saw Grant and his Brother-in-Law handle each other a good deal more in one clip than I have ever handled any and all of the brothers-in-law I’ve had over the whole of my life. He’s a brother-in-law; he’s the guy you never get around to talking to at Thanksgiving, unless he needs money, and then he corners you.

Natalie’s mom, who is not Albert Einstein, was telling her infant daughter that God was watching over her in the game. Her also? How many horses is God backing in this race? Is this legal? What does the Nicaraguan Gaming Commission say about Divinely-Fixed TV Game Shows? How many contestants is one Deity legally allowed to control the fate of? And why are so many players this season Sky Pilots? I’ve seen more intelligent people slinking out of midnight screenings of Atlas Shrugged, Part One, dressed as their favorite characters, and sticking needles in their own eyes “to make it STOP!”, than I’ve seen on this show this season.

Chief Numbnuts’s visit with his sister (whom I suspect was also his prom date), “empowered” him. Oh lovely.

Hearing Rob get weepy as he talked about how much he wanted to win it was too over-the-top for me. Rob, I don’t care how much you love your kids; blah, blah, blah. I care about: will your tribemates ever figure out that they need to blindside you or they are all doomed?

Rob’s more immediate goal is to make Andrea-or-Ashley the next evictee, for, you know, reasons. One big reason: She’s not Rob.

Immunity Challenge: The stairway set for this challenge could be seen from space. It looked like it needed a chorus of 20 singers and dancers to come strutting down it, belting out some Irving Berlin or Gershwin song, and cake-walking up and down the steps.

The players had to fetch “puzzle steps” (Like in “Ballin’ the Jack”? Those steps were always a mystery to me.) And build their staircase on the stairway, and ascend to Survivor Heaven and win Immunity.

This challenge was less fun than that musical number would have been. It had much of the excitement of watching Amish farmers raising a barn while on meth-amphetamines.

Okay, Chief Numbnuts had not taken any speed. He was plodding. This chore, I mean challenge, involved a lot of running up and down steep steps, in 100+ degree heat, so players were getting seriously winded indeed, but without Laurel & Hardy totting a piano up and down the steps, it just wasn’t funny enough.

Okay, Rob Haters, admit it. Rob deserved winning this one. That man was spent! I haven’t seen a man that spent since Errol Flynn at the end of that three-day weekend we spent “accidentally” locked up together in his wine cellar. The cork wasn’t all that got screwed.

If Rob’s winning state had been any more altered, he’d have reverted back into a young William Hurt. (Which, come to think of it, isn’t such a bad idea.) Anyway, that is “going all out,” and giving it your all to win. Not NFL Steve’s lame little, WTF, tosses as he gave up in his challenge. This was Rob in 110 degree heat, working himself up into a near-stroke, to win Immunity, when he has a still-secret immunity idol in his pocket! If Rob wins this season, he has earned it.

The plan is a simple one. Andrea-or-Ashley votes for Chief Numbnuts, and everyone else votes Andrea-or-Ashley. What could go wrong? What could use up three or four minutes of time and desperately try to drum up a little suspense? What is the Capital of Nebraska?

Big Chief Numbnuts to the time-filling post! He points out a wasp hovering over Andrea-or-Ashley, ignoring that this girl has “W.A.S.P.” written all over her, and takes issue with how she moves her arms. Or, since the WASP was a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, I can only assume it’s Numbnuts replaying his peculiar version of The Race Card.

Chief Numbnuts now revealed his “strategy” was to make himself the villain, so every one would want to take him to the end. “It’s brilliant strategy” he assured us, as he gloated over his guaranteed-to-lose-the-million Cunning Plan.

Numbnuts got all hissy-fit over the fishing nets being tangled. If I were him, I’d want all nets anywhere near me tangled up, because I’m sure men with nets chase him a good deal, and if they don’t, they should.

So Rob had to reconsider his decision, or so we were led to believe.

Tribal Council: Andrea-or-Ashley felt 100% confident she was not going home tonight.

Chief Numbnuts admitted he was lame at the challenge, citing his age and the heat. He longed to have a challenge that displayed the upper body strength he had “went I went in the army, at 29...” Chiefy, that was 23 years ago. You win this show because of who you are, not who you were two decades ago. I’ve been hoping for a challenge where my body of 20 years ago is time-warped onto me and I show what I can do!

Jeff basically asked everyone if they felt safe still or not, and everyone was sure someone else was tonight’s patsy.

But as always, Chief Numbnuts was in a world of delusions special to him, blithely missing the winces and laughter on his tribemates’ faces as he said stuff like: “I think everybody knows me to be, you know, the Senior Statesman,” Yes, they all noticed the statesmanlike way you accused Steve of being racist for noticing you were crazy. “I’m a guy who leads by example.” As in “Don’t do what I’m doing”?

Chief Numbnuts said his Cherokee great-great grandfather, whom I believe is now on The Jury, would tell him: “You’ve done everything right.” I think he’d ask about the big metal birds in the sky, but I think his most-likely comment would be either: “What are you wearing?” or just the simple, classic: “Ugh!”

Oh gee, the fake Will-Rob-decide-to-vote-out-Chief-Numbnuts,-who-is-doing-exactly-what-Rob-wants-him-to-do “suspense” sure was purty. Andrea-or-Ashley, like totally surprised, like, wow, is off to the arms of the man she betrayed. True love. Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life. Also, you can read Little Dougie's contributions to the newly published book Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well: The TV Horror Hosts of Southern California by James Fetters.


MirrorGirl said...

So is this your final recap for the show? I see your column is not up at HuffnPuff. I hope you'll be back. I loved you taking Jeff to task for refusing to speak English--you're a woman after my own, grammatically correct, heart (I'm one of those who goes around correcting the spelling in graffiti).

There was one moment of excitement last night--Andrea actually distinguished herself by very nearly beating Rob, and she never gave up during that killer build-your-own Stairmaster challenge. It was the only time during the season when I was certain of who she was. I could see why she made Rob so nervous. But oh, this season is painful. I have not been this inundated with religious claptrap since I accidentally married into a family of Jehovah's Witnesses. Frankly I'm surprised the producers didn't find a way to arrange the sort of "visitation" you presented in your Loved Ones photo.

Also loved your crack about Amber being unaffordable as an on-site loved one: I left a comment over on Jeff's blog that made someone say I wasn't a nice person, about Rob being willing to eat his own children to win, and that there's nothing left for him to do if he loses but commit suicide (on the air, of course, since this couple has decided they only show up for their own lives if there's a camera and a paycheck involved). But my heckler was wrong--I'm a lovely person, and so are you, Madame Morehead, and I look forward to your next commentary on the inanity that is Survivor.

Anonymous said...

SB here. Fuck Huffpo. They work for the CIA anyway. That site is one big data warehouse, with email/IP addresses.

Rob's strategy is sound. Go to the finals with Natalie, who is totally un-deserving, and Phil, who has too much baggage. If ANYONE else is in the final three, Rob loses.

Can Grant possibly believe that big brother would take him, the nice guy with no history who wins challenges, to the finals with him - is ANYONE that delusional?

Rob's utter contempt for the stupidity of his 'tribe' is a testimony to the predictability of the season. He finds their utter lack of self-interest detestable, as does anyone who watches this season. The Silence of the Lambs. It must be how Wall Street feels about the american people.

The girls plus Phil or Grant can still change this game. last chance for any self-respect, idiots. Maybe Grant will stop being Beaver Cleaver. Mariano getting blindsided with the idol in his pocket? NIRVANA. Phil is the wild card big time. He does have a PhD in blurting.

Rob getting the cable show tells me that he lost. They tossed him a bone.

Anonymous said...

Please finish out the season! You take boring, boring material and make it entertaining. It is a true gift. Dalton Ross repimps the pimped products from the show. I respect you for not doing that.

Anonymous said...

Hello Madame. I only read 2 weekly posts: yours and Mr. Ross's. I hope the show gets better in future seasons, but I can't blame you for walking away a winner. Thanks for the giggles.

PabloDiablo said...

Well, it will be sad if this is your last post but I can understand. It does take a lot of time to prepare and the fact that we can read through it so fast and want more by the end is testament to your great writing. So, thanks for all the laughs.

I agree, wtf with Mike and him ripping off Matt's Jesus. I think Matt is pissed so the only way to solve this is for some hot and heavy naked mud wrestling between Mike and Matt, winner take all and the loser has to admit that Jesus likes the other better.

Anonymous said...

Re: complaining about incorrect usage of various words. Are you familiar with the idiom "the pot calling the kettle black"?

Although your columns often contain mispellings and incorrectly used words, you insist on calling others out for the same transgressions.
Case in point: After lambasting Probst for misusing "duel", "island", "single-handedly", and "decimated", you yourself gave us this: "culling five potential jury votes, vs culling two potential jury votes".

I'm assuming you meant that Mike's decision was between trying to gain five votes vs trying to gain two votes, and of course deciding that five is better than two, but "culling" is the wrong word. The definition of cull is this: "To remove rejected members or parts from (a herd, for example)".

So, what you wrote makes no sense.

Here's another bit of advice: "People who live in glass houses should not throw stones".
Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the great recaps and hope you continue!

As for the poster above: He doesn't know what he's talking about. Cull is absolutely properly used in your article. I think we can easily guess what this poster's HuffPo id isl.

James Nichols said...

I'll miss you, if you are truly done writing these recaps. You have great talent and my week will be a little emptier now that you are gone.

Natalie Sztern said...

Can u direct me to where u say this is your last post? That's it I quit the internet...seriously is this your last hurrah?

Tallulah Morehead said...

"PabloDiablo said...
I agree, wtf with Mike and him ripping off Matt's Jesus. I think Matt is pissed so the only way to solve this is for some hot and heavy naked mud wrestling between Mike and Matt, winner take all and the loser has to admit that Jesus likes the other better."

Sounds good to me. That would make me see "God".

"Anonymous said...
As for the poster above: He doesn't know what he's talking about. Cull is absolutely properly used in your article. I think we can easily guess what this poster's HuffPo id isl."

I know. A little knowledge aimed at someone with a lot of knowledge is a silly thing. I just wish Jeff Probst wouldn't post anonymously. Leave your name, Jeff. You've single-handedly left me decimated.

"Natalie Sztern said...
Can u direct me to where u say this is your last post?"

In the comments last week I said that I'd do one more, and if it didn't get posted (which it has not, nor have I had even the courtesy of a rejection email), I'd post it here and then, that's it. No more. Too much work, WAY too much work, to do free for the vastly-smaller readership here. I'll still post stuff from time to time here, but no more Survivor or Big Brother recaps.

Brad said...


You are the best! I have had the worst week ever wondering what happened to you at HuffnPuff. Please continue to provide the most entertaining re-caps anywhere!

drb19810 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dave herman said...

Please give your editor until the 10th when she supposedly returns to the office. I sent them emails. What would be the point of watching this drivel without your hilarious recaps?

drb19810 said...

Tallulah - if this is indeed your last "Survivor" hoorah, then I would like to thank you for the genuine joy you have brought. I am a big "Survivor" fan and have not missed an episode since it began 10(?) years ago. I discovered your blog a few seasons ago, and watching the show and reading the blog has consistently been the highlight of my week. I thoroughly enjoy your entertaining writing and you biting humor. If I am ever on Survivor (very unlikely - I love viewing other peoples faults, hypocricies, foibles, and failings, but I would never put mine on display for others' amusement), but if I were, you could definitely by my "loved one". My wife has repeatly told me that there is not way she would get withing 10 yards of me if I hadn't bathed or brushed in 30 days. My genuine thanks to you (and Little Dougie). You've made me a loyal fan, and I look forward to following your blog and reading any upcoming publication.

Natalie Sztern said...

Well we have never met but I am going to go out on a limb here and say that you are indeed the best comedy writer I have encountered in the generation of internet writing. I have no idea how Huffington Post works with regards to its staff; if that is what online writers are called or perhaps they are all freelance; but I will sorely miss your wit.

You pick up on the nuances of human behaviour in a way only you can and make it funny;

Now tell us, truly, where else can we find your wit even if it means ....

dannyo152 said...

I understand your reasons and would not ask you to reconsider ending the commentaries on this season. I have enjoyed your comments and humor immensely over the years.

Which is why I will be back May 12, hoping for one more recap. If I found it, I'd have to chalk it up to an International Nurses Day ( miracle.

Anonymous said...

TM. I'll go out on a limb and suggest it was a doG follower who just felt it was doG's will to put the proverbial screws to your efforts. I thank you for your inspired writings and wish you and LD all the best. Too bad your book isn't in an eformat...


BTW, it's just so friggin' rude for HuddPo not to step up and tell it like it is...

Anonymous said...

Well, as usual, loved your recaps. Very sad if this is the last post, but a megastar has to do what a megastar has to do.

After the way Rob has controlled the game and pushed himself to physical exhaustion, he certainly deserves to win. Final vote will be interesting. Depending on when they bring in the RI survivor, that could mean that Rob can take only one other person to final. So, who do you pick if the final three are Rob, Phillip or Matt OR Rob, Phillip or Mike? I might have to vote for Mike or Matt -- all the proselytizing aside, Matt and Mike were strong and true survivors on the non-island.

Anonymous said...

Tallulah, I have watched Survivor since the very beginning like many of the posters here. But never have I enjoyed the show as much as when I was anticipating your skewering (did I use this right? Smile ) of the show and the contestants. Honestly, I would watch the show and then be itching for your comments. You made me laugh when so few things do these days. If this is your last recap, thanks for memories. PoliticalJunkie65 (from the HP...those rude buggers!)

kiki said...

thank you SO much for the columns - you made Survivor and Big Brother a whole lot more enjoyable. sad that you're quitting, but it's understandable. huffpo sucks, seriously.

again, thanks so much. I'll definitely get your book!

Anonymous said...

We will all miss you! Thank you for entertaining us all so much. I hope you reconsider if HuffPo begs you!

PacifisticPanda said...

Dear Tallulah,

I was very depressed that you're done with recaps, but then I got over it.


Anonymous said...

If it comes to pass (and I hope it does not), thanks for the incisive commentary, the memories and the laughs. Of all the Survivor commentary, nobody comes remotely close to you Tallulah. I'm sure writing these reports takes hours, but if you feel the itch for one last hurrah, please consider liveblogging the finale-- just random thoughts every couple of minutes. It'll give us fans a nice sendoff. But come what may, great job, and I wish you the best-- and for Huffpo to nut up and/or another entertainment publication (Movieline is cheeky enough to do it, hmmm...) to pick you up.

Anonymous said...

You are the best part of Survivor and Big Brother and CBS should be begging for your "articles". Huff is stupid to lose you. No bookmark for HP but one for The Morehead. You have brought me so much honest, spew out my mouth, laughter at the foibles of "reality" TV. Many Thanks

kiki said...

hey Talullah, I have an idea! for the rest of this Survivor season, how about if you just open up a discussion like this without writing a column, we'll talk about the show and you can throw in pithy comments. you can still make funny observations without all the work, and I think we all could have fun. have I mentioned huffpo sucks?

crowcuss said...

So very sorry to hear that this may be your last barrage of slings and arrows at stupidity, self righteousness, appeals to the deity, and other foibles. It was the only reason I ever went to HuffPo, so I will probably not return there. An episode of Survivor wasn't complete until I could read your take on what had gone on this week. Week after week you delivered to us some of the funniest material on the internet and I will certainly miss your write-ups. I'll also miss your fan comments, for instance I laughed uproariously at Pablodiablo's idea of a Mike and Matt mud wrestle with the loser made to admit that Jesus loves the other guy best. I hope HuffPo reconsiders and that you will long continue doing these.

GardenGuy said...

Now I get to laugh at your photos too! (worth a thousand laughs as well as a thousand words)

Thank you for all the time, and humor and snark and side comments you've put into all of your blogs. So very much appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Tallulah! I'm the same anonymous who posted that your use of cull is correct(I have noticed that you take great pains in all your articles to use proper English). Today is only the 9th, and if some are correct about your contact returning on the 10th, would you consider trying to contact your contact one more time? Please?

unaffected said...

I'm not sure if I missed a post somewhere along the lines giving more detail, but I'm sad to read that this might have been your final recap. I agree with the commenter who stated she enjoys the show more since reading your columns. While watching an episode, I often wonder if this part or that scene will make it into your column.

Also, I do not read anything else on HuffPo. I emailed them today to let them know they'd lose a reader by not publishing your columns any longer. I know they probably don't give a shit, but hey, it was worth the effort.

I hope we haven't heard the last from you! Best wishes.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Well it's the tenth, and I've still still had no reply to my two "What the...?" emails of almost two weeks ahgo. The Huff Po rudeness just grows and grows.

Anonymous said...

I will very much miss these Survivor posts. I never received a reply from HuffPo either. How rude are they??!!?? I take comfort in the words of Oscar Wilde - “Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.”


Tallulah Morehead said...

Well I wrote to my - I guess I should now say "Former" - editor today, and STILL she refuses to answer my emails. The message is clear, neither she, nor the current Huff Po owners, i.e. AOL, give a rat's ass about me or any of you who have been kind enough to write in. Thanks for your support. You'll have to write your own SUVIVOR jokes toinight.

Anonymous said...

Boo Hoo I will miss you Tallulah and can never come up with as good a remark as you.

Patrick said...


unaffected said...

Double sigh! :'(

Patrick said...

I'm so pissed at HuffPost for bringing about the demise of the Survivor recaps. They never answered my emails about the issue either, they obviously don't give a crap. Anybody get responses from those 'editors'?

Bye Tallulah.

Anonymous said...

No, I never got a response from Clare or Haley. Whatever their reasoning and negotiating with Tallulah, you'd think HuffPo would at least respond to a reader's e-mail. I miss her son.

Anonymous said...

TM should do one last blog after the final. Huffpo makes me sick. The editorial staff are all passive-aggressive teenage interns.

James Nichols said...

I wrote as well. I have not received a response as of today. I guess having headlines like "Miley Cyrus in a bikini!!!11" is more substantial than a well thought out, humorous piece of writing.

Tallulah Morehead said...

They did no "negotiating" with me. I was informed the column was suddenly "too long" (After two and a half years of same-length columns) and I wrote and asked for an explanation. They have not written back to me, nor answered any of the 3 emails I sent have them since. Clearly, all my readers who have kindly written in (thank you all) are also recieving the "silent Treatment", so I am afraid that Anonymous's definition of them as "all passive-aggressive teenage interns" is probably quite accurate. Very childish. Very 3rd-grade-recess-playground behavior, and very cowardly.

Feel free to inundate Hallie's inbox ( with your opinions on her childish behavior also.

On the plus side, I get to spend this Sunday watching the finale in a mere three hours, instead of the 8hours it takes (minimum) to recap a three-hour finale. I'm rooting for Grant or Mike to return from Zombie Island and beat Rob.

Musonius Rufus said...

No more Tallulah Morehead Survivor or BB recaps! I'm a very sad panda. :(

Fuck HuffPo.

Musonius Rufus said...

Forgot to add. Please someone start a save Tallulah blog, facebook page, petition, hunger strike, resistance group and/or religion. Tallulah must be saved!

Anonymous said...

It must be very frustratin­g for Tallulah to be asked - again and again - to write a recap for the sheer pleasure of it. I thought her fans were smarter. Though I am sure it's a labour of love, it's still her job!If you got fired would you still go in and work for free for a couple of days because your co-workers were missing you. Come on people. A little more thought in your requests. For me it's pure disgust in how a supposedly reputable online service can treat their employees. I just hope Tallulah finds another forum for her musings!

BTW, can we all come and watch the finale at your house T? I'll bring the chilled Smirnoff!

Anonymous said...

"I thought her fans were smarter. Though I am sure it's a labour of love, it's still her job!If you got fired would you still go in and work for free"

I hope you realize there's more to life than money. The first goal of art isn't always profit. Anyhow, you can't fault people for asking Tallulah to produce work effectively pro-bono. You also can't fault Tallulah for not doing so.

Natalie Sztern said...

I just want you to know I have not laughed in a hoo and now the dog peed on my 3 thousand dollar Persian rug...yes I know I sound like the spoiled J.A.P. that I am...however I still have not laughed so money isn't everything is it?

Anonymous said...

Oh where oh where are you? Please come back and give us your take on going to the finale with a truckload of contestants? We miss you.

KrisD said...

Oh, Tallulah, I am filled with sorrow that we shall finish the season without you! Thank you for your labor of love (and humor).

HuffPo doesn't deserve you.

kiki said...

It must be very frustratin­g for Tallulah to be asked - again and again - to write a recap for the sheer pleasure of it...

no, Anonymous, we're asking her to do it for OUR sheer pleasure - duh!

Tallulah Morehead said...

Bickering over asking me to do a finale recap is pointless either way. I will not be doing one, so it's all moot. You'll all just have to play the WWTS game: "What Would Tallulah Say?" It's how Dr. Jesus lives his life.

Anonymous said...

one last re-cap, tallulah.

a way fo telling huffpo/aol to fuck themselves.

kiki said...

but...but...bickering is all we have left!

anyway, it'll all be over tonight - a marathon WWTS game :)

I still haven't received a reply from huffpo. my guess is they couldn't handle the religious snark.

Anonymous said...

no more tallulah?

i am crushed. it will not be the same without you.

my only consolation is tonite we saw that god had no plan for matt at all. not to come back from redemption island, not to win the mil. not even to be fan favorite. oh he was forsaken alright. thank the goddess for that.

PabloDiablo said...

Well I hope people will still leave comments here now that the show is finished. And, for me that means finished for good. Ugh, I thought maybe someone will do something interesting to shake this game up at the last minute but no, don't want to upset the planned coronation of King Rob.

I have to give some credit to Andrea for trying to wake up the other two zombies but in the end they all got what they deserved. Also, I think we can put to rest the not very convincing argument that saggy pants Phil was playing some sophisticated game of "I'll act crazy and throw everyone off their game and win in the end" was total bullshit. He is crazy and Rob played him perfectly. The icing on the cake was the ridiculous getup he wore to the very last tribal council and then went out of his way to piss off every juror!

Very predictable and disappointing ending. On the plus side, now that Tallulah will no longer be writing recaps I have no reason or excuse to continue watching this farce.

Tallulah I like you blog just fine right here. I think no matter what the subject you write about it will be funny and interesting. Keep it coming (oh boy should not have worded it that way as i know you'll be all over that!).

Anonymous said...

boring and predictable to the end.

some of the dumbest people on reality TV were on this show this season.

I am done with this bullshit.

Anonymous said...

Huffpo just isn't worth it. Tallulah can do better elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Tallulah

Survivor's Finale was not the same without you. I wish you all the best. I never got a reply from the HuffPo...I guess they will no longer be on my bookmark list although you are now the Queen of it.

Middie said...

Thank you for the great fun and non-stop laughs.

IMO, the only reason you didn't hear back from HP
was because you were dismissed without cause.
I received two emails from an HP staffer stating
he would look into your "missing blog" or pass it
along to someone else at HP, but I never
received anymore information after that.

Wishing you only the best and I will check back
here to keep up on your latest mischief.

Have fun! Be well!


Middie said...

HP never posted a statement about your
dismissal, so today with Survivor's Finale
aired and over, fans were and are asking
about you.

This afternoon all of the 180+ comments
posted to your last column, Rice Wars,
dated April 21, 2011, were online.

Tonight, some of the comments and replies are gone.
HP left the 80+ comments about the Rice Wars
Episode but removed everything written by
you and your fans regarding your dismissal
......without cause.


Middie said...

All of the comments from the Rice Wars
Episode are now back online at HP.
: )

howeverfaraway said...

Saying your columns were too long reminded me of the movie Amadeus, when Salyeri prompted the emporer to criticize Mozart's symphony as having "too many notes." Unfreakingbelieveable!

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