Friday, December 26, 2008

A Message For Rick Warren.

It's the holidays, so I'm feeling generous and giving. In just six more days I'll be making my debut posting on The Huffington Post, with my annual Dead Celebrity Round-Up for 2008. (Actually, I only do an annual Dead Celebrity Round-Up, I don't do an annual Dead Celebrity Round-Up for 2008. Prior to this year that would have been prescient, and after this year, it would just be repetitive, so this is the only year I'll be doing the the Dead Celebs of 2008.) It's the one time all year when I only discuss other celebrities, and selflessly omit myself. (I hope.)

The "Deadline" is in just five more days, sooner still if you're dying alone at home, and have to have your body discovered before the cats eat you. Everyone is scrambling to get in under the wire. Yesterday, on Christmas, when people should have been thinking about others, like for instance, about ME, we still had celebrities with nothing on their agendas but getting into my column. Eartha Kitt and Harold Pinter were elbowing each other aside to die their way into my column in time.

Harold was a great writer. Shakespeare never wrote the equal of this inspiring moment from his play The Birthday Party, or, as it's also known, The Straight Version of The Boys in the Band: "[PAUSE]"

And there was an hilarious line in act 1, after Stanley tells Meg that the cornflakes she's just served him are putrid or terrible or something.

Meg: "You're a liar! They're 'refreshing.' It says so on the box."

But like I said, time is running out. And I'm speaking to you, Pastor Rick "Unrepentant Homosexuals are not allowed in my church" Warren. We're all just dying to honor you by including you in my Dead Celebrity Round-Up of 2008, even though, a year ago, no one outside of Saddleback (I thought that was just the name given to the sexual version of playing "Horsey") had ever had the misfortune of knowing you existed. Thanks to President Elect O'Bama, and his First Official Bone-Headed Presidential Decision, we all know of you and your Evil Ministry, as you prepare to dishonor the country by befouling the inauguration.

Bone-Headed Presidential Decisions are a duty of The Office of President of the United States of America at which Dubya excelled far beyond all previous presidents, even Reagan, Nixon, and Harding. Further, Bone-Headed Decision Making is an area where O'Bama has so-far been particularly lacking. The one aspect of his expertise where O'Bama has shown excellence in Bone-Headedness is in Pastor Selection (Rev. Jerimiah Wright anyone?), and to get his administration off on the wrong foot early, he has made the exceedingly Bone-Headed decision of inviting this fat scum to desecrate the inauguration with an invocation that excludes homosexuals, and supports Proposition 8.

In his hilarious defense of this Bone-Headed Decision, President Elect O'Bama has said he did it to demonstrate "Inclusion," although how including a minister who excludes gays from his ministry (Which, if you think about it, is doing them a favor.) constitutes "Inclusion" escapes me. But then, having all of his decisions make sense would be a very Un-American approach to being a 21st Century American President. After all, none of Dubya's decisions made sense. I just notice that O'Bama hasn't invited a Ku Klux Klan pastor to do the benediction. That's not very inclusive if you ask me. Barack, don't you want to reach out to racial bigots along with the Religious Wrong? They're all a part of America's Big Table. If you exclude the KKK, who's left out next? The Neo-Nazis? Not that I'm equating the KKK and the Neo-Nazis with Rick Warren. Oh wait a minute! I am too.

(By the way, off-topic, but why is Tom Cruise advertising Valkyrie as a suspense thriller? It's about an actual historical plot to assassinate Hitler. We all know Hitler wasn't assassinated. Where's the suspense? Only to morons from The Tonight Show's "Jay-Walking" segments, those idiots who think that World War II took place in 1970, and involved Lincoln freeing us from England, can there be any suspense about whether the plan to kill Hitler will fail or not. Tom, in promotional interviews, keeps saying, "It's not a World War II movie." It's not? Has he set it in The Civil War? The Crusades? No wonder the plot to kill Hitler failed. It was being run by that imbecile Tom Cruise. BTW, Scientology is another religion with a poor track record on gay issues, to put it mildly)

Maybe the Mormon Tabernacle Choir could sing at the inauguration. They could even sing the little ditty I wrote for yesterday's posting: A Utah Yuletide. That would be lovely, and so inclusive. And then we could tell them to all go jump in a lake, perhaps jump into The Great Salt Lake. They certainly won't sink, but don't let it get in your eyes. We could get the polygamist Reverend Warren Jeffs (Beware of any pastor with "Warren: in his name.) to speak on how immoral Gay Marriage is.

I know that the Official Mormon Church says they are opposed to polygamy. After all, Brigham Young only had 26 wives. With such inhuman restraint, it was practically monogamy. My dear friend Guy Thanatos was in a movie some years ago, titled Brigham Young, Frontier polygamist. The picture featured an unusual romantic triangle subplot, when Brigham Young was briefly tempted to cheat on his twenty-six wives with thirty-two cheap sluts he met at his lake resort. However, the limpid, weepy eyes of his fifty-six children stopped him at the last minute, and kept him on the straight and narrow path of polygamy, making love only to the mobs of women he was semi-legally married to. Talk about inspiration and morality.

You know I have had at least ten husbands, maybe more (Way more, if you count other people's husbands!), but call me old fashioned, I had them one at a time.

Of course, Rick Warren is no Mormon, he just aids them in robbing gay people of basic civil rights. He's an advocate of "Religious Freedom", being one of those people who think that by legislating his religious delusions into our laws, he's helping Religious Freedom, rather than destroying it. Yet my religious beliefs are that he is a crock of shit! Hallelujah!

Rick Warren went on TV recently and equated Gay Marriage with incestuous marriage (which, oddly enough, he's against.), pedophilia, marrying animals, and so on. This week he announced that he does not equate Gay Marriage with incest, pedophilia, and bestiality. Rev Rick, we have this modern invention which you may not have seen yet in your Saddleback Church, mired as you are in the 18th Century. (I'm sorry. That was a terrible thing to say about the 18th Century, aka The Age of Reason. I meant the 12th Century.) It's called "Video tape". Using it, we can still see and hear you equating Gay Marriage with incest, pedophilia, and bestiality, so your denials don't work.

Speaking of Idiots United Against Gay Marriage, or I.U.A.G.M., Pat Boone publicly wrote that anti-prop 8 protesters were as bad as the terrorists in Mumbai, who murdered a lot of people. So far the Anti-Prop 8 Death Toll stands at 0, while the Pat Boone Brain Cells Death Toll stands at "All of Them." People like Rick Warren, Pat Boone, The Osmonds, the Mormons, the Nazi Pope, etc., sort of beg the question: Are they stupid because they're religious, or are they religious because they're stupid? Boy, there's an impossible-to-answer "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum for you.

While we're at it, someone should explain about video tape to Dubya, and Vice President Lon Cheney, and Donnie Rumsfeld, all of whom these days are saying that they never said or did things we have them on video tape saying and doing. Hello? Don't you morons ever watch
The Daily Show, or Keith Olbermann, or Rachel Maddow? Stephen Colbert claims to agree with you, but he's putting you on. Okay, Rachel is an unrepentant dyke, so watching her would be like watching your sister, or molesting a kid (Either kind of "kid": a child or a goat.) but Stewart and Olbermann are straight, and they all have these new-fangled video tape devices that keep catching you in lies. At least Nixon believed that no one but him would ever hear his tapes. But Dubya, Cheney, Warren, oh, and Blagojevich too, don't have that excuse.

Anyway, Rick Warren, my deadline is coming up. A shameless attention-grabbing media whore like yourself (Does he refuse to allow unrepentant Media Whores into his congregation? I bet not, or he wouldn't be able to be there.) won't want to miss out on being on my 2008 Dead Celebrity Round-Up, so get the lead out and kick off right away; today would be good. Make your demise your Christmas Gift to America. Besides, if you wait another year to die, you'll probably no longer be a celebrity, and I'll have to ignore you. This is your only chance to go out famous. So grab it! If you're wondering about how to do it, well, today is Boxing Day, and I know about 18,000 Californians more than willing to punch you to death.

Just a friendly reminder. Don't be left out. After all Rick, better dead than gay wed.

Cheers darling.

PS. Darlings, my first flogging chained to The Huffington Post is now up for all the world to see. Please do check it out: Dead Folks Cheers!

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