Friday, December 19, 2008

Deep Throat Gags.

W. Mark "Deep Throat" Felt has died. Felt was an authentic American Hero, who played a pivotal role in The Fall of Richard Nixon, an event that provokes nostalgia now that an even worse President is being allowed to leave office unimpeached, and Illinois's Governor Rod Blagojevich refuses to resign despite his overwhelming disgrace.

(Off-topic, but before you Blagojevich-bashers start knocking Illinois as The Most Corrupt State in the Union, bear in mind it's liberal credentials. Even as "Liberal" California rescinded Gay Marriage, "Corrupt" Cook County, Illinois, remains the only place in America that doesn't strip you of your right to vote just because you're dead. Now
that is being committed to Civil Rights! Remember, being dead doesn't make you bad. It just makes you smell bad.)

Why did Bob Woodward title his book about Mark Felt The Secret Man? Well take a look at this picture of Deep Throat. I'd never have guessed he was a man. Talk about a convincing drag queen! Eat your heart out, Dame Edna!

And what was Felt's tip? "Follow the money."

Cum to think of it, maybe what Deep Throat said was: "Follow the money shot."

Frankly, when you've done a really decent (By which, of course, I mean a really indecent) job of deep throating, you will have Felt more than just the tip. And W. Mark Felt Tip did just that, as he gave Richard Nixon the shaft, the whole shaft, and nothing but the shaft, so help me, oh god! In any event, we now know what Mark Felt; he felt Nixon was a crook! And he was right!

If you're cloudy on the details of The Watergate Scandal after all these months, and all The Bush Scandals, check out Ron Howard's new horror movie Defrost Nixon. He's the scariest monster to emerge from the ice since The Thing.

We've lost a lot of interesting people this month, Beverly Garland, Nina Foch, Paul Benedict, Sam Bottoms (Frequently), Van Johnson (Yes, he was still alive, only now he's not), Robert Prosky, Majel Barrett-Roddenberry,and even one elaborately not-interesting person, Forry Ackerman. There's a reason so many famous folk have died this month, and why I expect that several more will pop-off before New Years rolls around: my 2008 Dead Celebrity Round-Up. The "Deadline" for my Round-Up is you have to make the news as being dead by December 30. In case of duplicate deaths, the earliest postmarked demise will win. These are people who will do anything for publicity, even die.

But the death of Deep Throat was too important to wait for the end of the year. (Reverend Rick Warren, you piece of horseshit, you still have time to die and make my list, rather than befouling President Obama's inauguration with your vile presence. Take the hint and go meet your phony-baloney god face-to-face pronto.)

(Everyone else, please don't tell him that, should Warren do the world a favor and die, he'd actually make my Good Riddance List.)

And just why is My 2008 Dead Celebrity Round-Up so especially prestigious this year? Well darlings, here's the Big Announcement I promised: Starting with my 2008 Dead Celebrity Round-Up, I will be posting entertainment writing on The Huffington Post. Yes, that's right. My 2008 Dead Celebrity Round-Up won't be running here on my flog; it will be posted on the entertainment pages of The Huffington Post. However, those pussies over at Huffington only want the round-up of celebrities that I will miss. My Good Riddance List of all the people who died this year whom we are better off without (Take the hint Rev. Warren.) will only run right here. So, for some quality Speaking Ill of the Dead, check out this flog at the start of the year.

Where was I? Oh yes, Huffington and Puffington and Blowington your - ah - house down. (Well, this is an obit for Deep Throat.) It seems that Arianna Huffington is Greek. She must have heard somewhere how much I like it "Greek Style," (Who doesn't? Oh yes. Rick Warren.) plus she was so jealous of the genius of the writing on this flog, that an invitation was extended to me to lend my literary brilliance to their reader-hungry pages.

So, in addition to my 2008 Dead Celebrity Round-Up, I will be reviewing the major award shows, The Oscars, Emmys, Tonys, Golden Globes, and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, for The Huffington Post, just as I do here. And, when Survivor: Brazil starts up in February, I will be doing next-day episode recaps on that site as well.

(Why, you ask, am I not recapping
American Idol for them, when I am the inspiration for the show, the original American Idol? Simple; my fair-weather friend Little Kent Levine is hogging that show. Honestly, I am so American Idol that my biggest fan, Paula Abdul, committed career suicide in her car a block from my home. If it had been anyone else, it would have been a tragedy!)

What was I blathering on about? Oh yes, the death of Deep Throat. Let me just be clear on this, Hal Holbrook, who played Deep Throat in the movie, is not dead yet, which is a huge relief to Mark Twain. Hal is the go-to actor to play guys named Mark:, Mark Twain, Mark Felt, Mark of Zorro. There are still 13 days left before Deadline, Hal, so get the lead out. Don't be among the unfortunate ones who will have to wait until next year. (For the record, I have nothing against Hal Holbrook, who is a totally darling, kind, talented man, who could not have been nicer to Little Dougie 24 years ago. If we must have living celebrities besides myself, Hal is just whom I'd choose to keep around.)

Yes, Deep Throat is dead. That only leaves me, Morehead, upholding America's Great Oral Tradition. I've always sucked; just ask the critics. And in the new year, I'll be sucking on
The Post.

Cheers darlings.

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