Sunday, July 20, 2008

Wedding Bells in Gotham

Greetings darlings, from Morehead Heights. Lots of you have asked for a glimpse of my fabulous movie star mansion Morehead Heights, mounted ever-less-firmly astride mighty Tumescent Tor, which thrusts insistently skyward at the northwest corner of Los Angeles County. So here it is. Lovely, isn't it? It was designed and built in 1920 by famed English architect Winchester Buttress. Winnie had already designed such notorious structures as Hill House, The Overlook Hotel, the Winchester House, the Bates House & Motel, Bly, Edbrook, Thanatopsis Manor, the Belasco House (aka Hell House), Despair Cottage, Bleak House, Hideous House, and Gloom Lodge, places described by their infrequent residents as "Too haunting to occupy." He even hand-knitted a special teepee for the Headless Indian Brave.

So what is everyone doing this weekend? Apparently you're all off seeing The Drunk Night at a theater or drive-in near you. I'd go myself, if Batman and I weren't old chums. Let me tell you, batsex is difficult. Trying to make love hanging upside down in a cave is not fun, well, not as much fun as doing it prone on a comfy bed, or crammed in the back seat of a Volkswagon, or just face down in the gravel behind a dumpster in an alley. And the damned flying rat won't take his cowl off.

There are, let's face it, a lot of Jokers in his batdeck, though his deck isn't as stacked as I am, well, was.

Yes, I was a Batvillain. That was how I first met Bats. I was The Drunkard, on two episodes of the old 60s TV series Batman, which was exactly like the new Batmovie, except it wasn't ridiculously overlong, no one felt life wasn't worth living after watching it, and the people making it weren't likely to win any awards for it. Oh, and as far as sexy butlers go, Michael Caine hardly compares with delectable Alan Napier.

There have been a lot of Batmen over the years.

Certainly one of my favorites came 19 years ago, when Tim Burton made two films with Keaton as Batman. Who doesn't love The Keaton Batman?

But more recently, there was another Batman, who wasn't all man, if you take my meaning. We're talking Tallulah Bathead.

You see, when I learned that adorable little Heath Ledger had taken over being Joker, I knew it was time for a visit to Gotham City. But to get close to Joker meant a trip to the Batcloset. Once properly attired, I was ready.

As you can clearly see from that picture, my main reason for visiting was to teach butch little Heath how to apply his make up. He was my star pupil. Sober make up artists are so overrated. And little Heath had been despondent ever since he learned they had pulled a cruel prank on him, and instead of casting his Brokeback beloved Jake Gyllenhall as his leading lady once again (The only reason he took the role), they had substituted his sister! What Sick Bastards!

Then Bats and I were off to California for a very special event: the gay wedding of Batman & Robin. I was Best Matron at the wedding, the location of which had to be kept top secret secret to keep it from being attacked by supervillains, like Joker, Penguin, Fred Phelps, Dick Cheney, and The Mormon Church. Fortunately, none of those extremely evil folks found out and were able to ruin the touching ceremony. And very touching it was. As you can see from this photo of the conclusion. Just check out my right hand. That's what I call touching!

Robin wasn't in Batman Buggers or The Drunk Night, as he was keeping a low profile until he hit his 18th birthday, something that took him a hell of a long time, considering he's been around since 1940. But now Bats and Rob are off on their honeymoon in Metropolis. Not the Metropolis with Superman; the German one with robots and the mad scientist Rotwang. How mad must you be to take a name that sounds like a decayed penis? It's almost a turn-off. (Well, a rotting wang is better than none.)

Naturally, since neither of them had ever been married before, whereas I have been married more times than I can remember, they relied on my sage advice, so it was necessary for me to chaperon and - ah - coach them on their wedding night. I brought the Batteries. As you might suspect from this morning-after picture, Bats got a little carried away, but I'm sure Robin will heal.

On another matter altogether, for those of you in or near Orange County, California, Check out the Costa Mesa Civic Playhouse production of Del Shores's wonderful, wonderful play Sordid Lives, directed by little Dougie's old friend Michael Dale Brown. It opened two nights ago, and runs through August 10. It plays Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm and Sundays at 2pm. Tickets are $20 for general admission, $18 for students with Student ID and seniors with Senior ID, and $15 per person for groups of ten or more with Group ID. Tickets can be purchase on-line at or by calling 949-650-5269. The playhouse is located at 661 Hamilton Street in Costa Mesa. I'm attending a performance myself, but in order to avoid drawing attention away from the players, I'm keeping which performance I'm going to a secret.

Even if you've seen the wonderful movie with delightful Leslie Jordan, it's even better live and in 3-D, just like Brendan Fraser's Journey to the Center of the Earth, only with a much-better script.

Cheers darling.

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