Friday, July 4, 2008


It was just 7 months ago yesterday, on December 2nd, 2007, that I wrote and posted my flogging, The Most Important Issue in the World!, in which I took People Magazine to task for naming Matt Damon as "The Sexiest Man Alive," when Hugh Jackman was still alive. Trying to push a hot man into the grave like that is just plain rude! Why, it's worse than rude; it's Republican.

(By the way, the constitution clearly states that the President
MUST be born in this country! So why have the moronic Republicans nominated Panamanian John McCain? Look it up! He was born in Panama. Why not just go whole hog, and nominate Manuel Noriega? Is it because he's from Central America that McCain is currently campaigning in South America? Does the doddering old fool think that all the Americas vote for President? At least now we know what McSame means when he says he's "Change". Having an immigrant President would certainly be a change. Just remember as you pay $5 a gallon for gas that you're doing so because we've had the Republicans in the White House for 7 years. A vote for McSame is a vote for $10 a gallon gasoline. And don't worry about what your kids will be paying, as they will all die in Iraq and Iran, as McSame keeps the war going for decades and decades.)

Where was I? Oh yes; Matt Damon. Having been appointed to an office he hadn't earned, not unlike our current faux-President Dubya, Matt got complacent, and look what's happened to him in only half a year.

His abs are absent! Some people let being The Sexiest Man Alive go to their heads. Matt has let it go to his waist. When I said he didn't deserve the title, I didn't mean he wasn't sexy. There's a difference between being blind and being blind drunk. I certainly wouldn't throw him out of my bed. In fact, if he hadn't learned how to pick a lock while doing the Ocean's movies, he would still be handcuffed to my headboard! Matt was a very sexy man indeed, just not The Sexiest One Alive. But now? In the words of my dear friend Susan Luckey, "Ye Gods!"

Yes, I heard the standard excuse: "It's for a film role." Puh-lease! That's the same excuse Bobby DeNiro used when he blew up like Kate Smith at a church potluck dinner while making Raging Cow. (Bobby currently claims that he's only aging into an old man "For a film role.") Darling, I've been a movie star for over 90 years, and I have never gained weight for a movie! Of course, on a vodka diet like mine, gaining weight can be difficult. For Heaven's sake Matty, what do you think fat suits are for? Did Eddie Murphy swell up like a blimp for his Nutty Professor movies? Did Boris Karloff have his head cubed for Frankenstein? Did John Travolta cut off his dick to play Edna Turnblad in Hairspray? (Oh wait. John did.)

Make up darling. Make up.

When, as in the picture above, he looks back at himself when he was hot, and realizes that now people think he's selling Pillsbury biscuits, he'll panic, and you can expect a terrible face lift, and going nuts with the Botox needles, until this happens. It's called Burt Reymolds Syndrome.

Matt, Matt, Matt, you know I only chide you because I love you, or would love you if you hadn't gotten free. If I didn't adore you, I wouldn't give you a tongue-lashing. Well I might, or at least a thorough tongue-bath, but right now, giving you a tongue-bath would take a lot longer than it used to. Matt, I know my words are all-important to you. Yes, I saw you kneel in worship at my star, my darling, dangling your masthead over my galactic center.

So listen to me now Matt dear, I only have your best asset at heart. Return to your roots, or at least to your root, or to Ben's root. Reclaim your hotness. Your
Bourne spy movies have left Ben's spy movies in the dust. Do you want people now calling him the hot one?

It's those beards you married. Shave them and go back to Ben. You two can marry each other in California now, at least until November. Be Matt and Ben again. After all, it contracts to "Men"! Your love for Ben is where your greatest success, and your Oscar, came from. And frankly, looking at his career over the last few years, he needs your help darling. His George Reeves barbecuing his Superman costume was a cry for help, as is your Love Tire.

Together you can truly be The Sexiest Beast With Two-Backs (or Two Bottoms) Alive!

Meanwhile, I am excited by your new project. Making one film that will constitute a 4th entry to both of the two best film trilogies of this decade, The Bourne movies and the Lord of the Rings movies, is a brilliant idea!

So shape up; and shaft out.

Cheers darlings.

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