FRENCH ART NEWS (TP): It was announced today by the French Ministry of Arty Pretentious Stuff, that noted mime Marcel Marceau, famed for de-popularizing the annoying craft, and the man whose motto was "I'm not dumb, I just act that way", today finally commenced performing the final stage in his famous, 84-year long "Short Piece" Youth, Maturity, Old Age, Death, after performing stage 3 for over 40 years. He is expected to perform the final stage until the collapse of the Universe. Professional colleagues said: "___________", but we may not have been able to hear them through their invisible boxes.
That little chatterbox Marcel Marceau finally let me get a word in edgewise today. People think, "Oh a mime. He must be quiet as a mouse." Wrong! Those hands never stopped! He was always running his mouth off at the wrists. He couldn't keep quiet long enough to put on a pair of gloves!
Worst of all, he gestured exclusively in French! I could never understand a word he was miming! Did you know that the gesture for Chapeau and the gesture for Chateau are almost identical? I could never figure out why that blabbermouth Bip would always put his house on his head before going to work, which was always upwind. (And while we're on the subject, how much time have you spent trapped in an invisible box? I don't know about you, but I like to be able to see the boxes I'm trapped in, except for that one time when it was Marjorie Main's. Ugh! Light's out, please!)
Eventually, I had to hire Shields & Yarnell to come in and interpret Marcel for me, so you know I was desperate. Only desperate people ever hired Shields & Yarnell! Marcy would gesture in French. Shields & Yarnell would then translate his gestures, and mime them for me in English. I would then flail meaninglessly back at them using random movements and facial expressions, and Shields & Yarnell would then translate my message for Marcy, from Mindless Drunken Thrashing into French Mime. Just asking for the time could take hours! And then Yarnell got all huffy about being expected to stand around my gigantic swan boat bed and try to figure out how to mime "Ram me harder, you beretted beast!" into French gestures. ("Beret" was easy, but there is no French gesture for "Good Sex".) It became a nasty kerfuffle, that resulted eventually in the split-up of Shields & Yarnell, so at least some good came out of it.
Where was I? Oh yes, the death of Marcel "All-Hands" Marceau. It seems that Little Douglas met him years ago, back when Little Dougie was in high school, so we're talking before The Flood. There are no written records or survivors. Little Dougie went and saw Marcy perform live from the second row at the Huntington Hartford Theater (Now called the Crisco Kid Theater or the Pepe LePew Theater, or something like that.) when Dougie was a mere 16, and only half as depraved as he now is. Dougie even stood in line to get Marcy's autograph on his theater program. This tells you everything you need to know about Little Dougie. Other 16 year old boys stood in line to meet baseball players or rock stars, and get signatures on baseballs or record albums. Little Dougie stood in line to meet a French Mime! I can see him showing it off proudly to his parents, and they saying, "I think we can write off having grandchildren."
For those of you who believe in astrology; what's wrong with you? Marceau's birthday was March 22, the same birthday as Stephen Sondheim and Little Dougie's mother, yet he never wrote Sweeney Todd, or even A Little Night Music, and he never gave birth. However, he was heard to say "Send in the Mimes." so maybe there is something to it after all.
And was Marcy vain? Darlings, he wore more make up than I did. Hell, he wore more make up than I do now! The man packed it on with a trowel, and he still never had a speck of color. Get some Sun, Marcy.
So au revoir to Marcel Marceau; The Man Who Never Realized Silent Movies Were Over. You and me both, mon ami.
The rest is mime.