Monday, September 17, 2007

Emmy Filth.

I love that they give little awards to TV performers, like pretend Oscars. I think that's just too cute for words. As though TV was anything other than an industry full of movie-wannabes and used-to-bes. Mind you, I abhor all awards, which is why I have refused to win, or even be nominated for, any awards throughout my long career. Still, you have to be amused when TV thinks it's as important as The Oscars.

Of course their self-loathing betrays itself in so many ways. Would an industry with any real pride in itself, or an Academy that thought their awards were anything more than a joke, hire Ryan Seacrest to host? Of course not. They'd hire someone with talent, maybe even someone funny. When you put Seacrest on as your host, you're just admitting that you're too pathetic to deserve a good host.

And then there was the venue; a few months ago, back on March 6th, I posted a flogging titled My Peter Panned, in which I discussed my performances in Peter Pan out at a tacky theater-in-the-round called Melodyland, across the street from Disneyland in Anaheim. Theater-in-the-round is overwhelmingly egalitarian; every seat is a bad seat! What could be more democratic?

Well the Emmy Academy of Television Arts and Sciences (I think they develop new remote controls, things like that.) obviously read that column and thought to themselves, "If it's good enough for Tallulah, it's good enough for us." and decided to hold the Emmy show this year at Melodyland. It really took me back, to the world of lousy theater. They missed two important points:

1. If it's good enough for Tallulah, it's too good for the Emmys. And
2. Theater-in-the-round was not good enough for Tallulah. I was slumming.

At times it was hard to tell if you were watching The Emmys or a circus. But then Ryan would come out again and you'd remember; it's the circus.

But even worse tonight, was Sally Field's filthy mouth. Honestly Sally, do you eat with that mouth? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Do you go down on men with that mouth? Fortunately Fox Television wisely saved all of us from having to hear her salacious and revolting comments, since their broadcast, under some sort of Free Speech thingy, would have ended all civilization as we know it. Do you know what happened in the theater? When the filth flowed from Sally's lips, the heads of everyone in the first ten rows exploded, everyone in the next 20 rows committed suicide, and the people in the remaining rows all went violently insane, and are now running amok in Anaheim, killing and terrorizing tourists and minimum wage workers dressed as Mickey Mouse and Goofy. The brave network censor who heard what she said and hit the BLEEP-OUT button, did so at the sacrifice of his own life, as hearing Sally's uncensored speech caused his brain to liquefy, and flow out his ears. I know many people think that censors are flagrant flaming assholes who think themselves qualified to judge what you may or may not hear, but they are really brave heroes, taking the verbal bullets of Free Speech so you don't have to. Thank God for censors.

Because without Fox Censors, you would have heard Sally say, "I'm proud to be one of those women, and let's face it, if mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamned wars in the first place,"

It's not enough that she used such foul fucking language to couch her traitor's remarks in, but the revolting idea she was expressing, that mothers prefer their sons to live, rather than to die for George Bush's failed foreign policy, is an insult to all American Mothers everywhere. We all know that Good American Mothers give birth to and raise sons hoping that they will die in useless foreign wars in support of the greed and evil of such Satanic men as George W. Bush and Vice President Voldemort Cheney. Real Mothers, and I speak as a former mother myself, pray each night for pointless wars and avaricious Republican "leaders," in order to ensure that their sons will have the glorious deaths in battle that is every mother's most fervent wish. How dare that Sally Fields bitch imply otherwise. Hunt that trash down and beat her to death with her Emmy. Let her last words be "You hate me. You really, really hate me." No one will hear them anyway, as Fox will just bleep them out.

And what a coincidence that the network that bleeped out her disloyal, pro-peace statement is owned by the same folks that own the Fox News Channel, which is the Official White House Propaganda Outlet. Imagine, she just happened to have her remarks critical of the Bush Administration censored by a network owned by the same people who daily play White House Toady-to-the-World. What are the odds? It was a good night for Rupert Murdgoebbles.

It's a scientific fact that if your kids ever hear Sally Field say "Goddamned," they will become communist serial-killers. You all had a narrow escape. BTW, do kids actually watch the Emmys?

I noticed that Charlie Sheen was nominated for Best Actor in Comedy Series. That's funny; sneaking a joke nomination in with the real ones.

You have to love the level of crassness involved when the cartoon dog and the cartoon creepy dwarf sang a joke about Isaiah Washington's bigotry, and they cut directly to a shot of TR Knight in the audience, looking uncomfortable. Too bad he wasn't wearing a T-Shirt saying, "Yes, I'm the Faggot who got Isaiah canned." Speaking of Isaiah, he's taking lessons in gender-preference sensitivity from Jerry Lewis. From Jerry he has learned The Great Lesson: If you're going to call someone a faggot, do it on the air, not off.

Does Ryan Seacrest actually think he's funny? Jon Stewart has released farts funnier than anything Ryan said on the show last night. Although at least he doesn't have a potty-mouth like Sally, and like Ray Romano. What did Ray say about Kelsey Grammar that was so ghastly it had to be bleeped? Well, he probably didn't call him a faggot. They would have left that in. And he was talking about Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton, two major Republican tools, so it probably wasn't something critical of the war. Anyway, Ray took five minutes to make us all feel better about his no longer being on TV. Sweet of him. And then he gave Rainn Wilson's Emmy to Jermey Piven, who immediately hit on his own award. ("Hey angel, I've got a couple of big balls you can lift.")

Didn't Terry O'Quinn realize that when they gave him Michael Emerson's Emmy for LOST, that was just their way of telling him to get LOST?

I'd make a joke about Tina Fey, except she was actually funny. In fact, she was so funny, I thought she was on the wrong show.

Didn't you love the clip of August Schellenberg in the nominees for Best Supporting Actor in a Mini-series or a Movie, as the homophobic Indian Chief? "Red Cloud is no longer a chief; he is a woman you have mounted and had your way with. Do not speak to me of Red Cloud!" They ended the clip just before he called Red Cloud a Faggot. (Isaiah Washington could be heard in the back, yelling "Hey August, get your own act!") So they bleeped Sally saying mothers don't want their kids to die in wars, but they left in "He is a woman you have mounted and had your way with." Now I get it: Peace Speech is out. Hate Speech is in. You know, I've always felt bad about the genocide the Europeans settlers wreaked upon the Native Americans, but if that was what they were like, good riddance. It was a feel-good clip, as it certainly made me feel better about the genocide.

So was Ellen DeGeneris put on the show just to make Ryan Seacrest look funnier? No, because she introduced a montage of funnier people than Ryan, which may well have included Osama Bin Laden. Tom Snyder dead was funnier than Ryan alive.

Now the award to Katherine Heigl was a joke, wasn't it? They weren't seriously trying to make us believe she was better than Rachel Griffiths, Lorraine Bracco, or Aida Turturro were they? Better than Sandra Oh? Sure, but that's it. Or was the award for Most Annoying Supporting Actress in a TV Drama, because I saw her work on Grey's Anatomy this year, and I agreed with her mother.

In keeping with the "Greenest Emmys Ever" theme, the metallurgical composition of the awards themselves has been changed, and the Emmys handed out tonight will be turning green over the next week.

Open letter to Robert Duvall: Dear Bobby, you said, "I never knew an actor in my lifetime [When else would you meet an actor, Bobby?] or anybody's lifetime [Okay, now you're just babbling meaninglessly.] who didn't want to do a western. We all want to do westerns." Bobby, have you forgotten our one wild night of passion back when you were killing mockingbirds? I must assume so, because I have never wanted to be in a western, or even to watch westerns. Oh, I did make one, the beloved Johnny Horndog. It was while making that movie that I became the first person to make Iron Eyes Cody cry. (The man was a waterworks!) Bobby, I hate westerns. Make them if you like. Love them, share them with others who love them, but don't announce that all actors want to make westerns, because some of us would rather stick needles in our eyes. Love, Tallulah.

Ah ROOTS; the show that showed America that slavery was bad. Who knew? I remember watching it when it ran originally, and being shaken to my very soul, as I said to myself, "Damn! That Levar Burton is HOT!" 30 years later, he still is, but Ben Vereen looked better (and was considerably more lucid) in his old-age make-up in the clip than he looked live on the stage. Nice to see Eddie Asner up there with the cast. How well I remember him saying to Kunte Kinte, "Toby, you've got spunk. I hate spunk." (I adore spunk myself, and have devoted my life to amassing as much spunk as my acquainti could churn out.) And now we can see that Levar would never have grown up to be John Amos. Standing beside him on the stage, we could see that Levar's still a foot shorter than Amos.

Lou Gossett Jr. (He's - what? - 100? Time to drop the "Junior" Lou.) said, "I just want to add that as I watched those scenes from our show 30 years later, I am still incredibly moved." Wow! He was reading those words off a teleprompter only one minute after watching the clips! He had time to tell the writers his reaction ("Incredibly moved"), have them write up his remarks and get them onto the teleprompter, all in one minute! Why, it's almost as though they were written in advance, so that they weren't his real reactions at all, but just a - what's the word for it? Oh yes - a lie.

Then Robert Duvall wandered aimlessly back onto the stage, accepted ROOTS's award, and resumed babbling, this time about how his parents "Pushed me into acting. They pushed me." while the five other winners standing behind him on the stage resisted the urge to push the old gasbag out of the way so they could squeeze in a word or two, and perhaps even make a cogent remark.

Neill Patrick Harris making leering jokes to the Indestructible Cheerleader was cute. It was like he completely forgot that he announced he was gay some months back, and we all now know he's far more interested in Heroes than in Heroines. It was like seeing Charlie Sheen flirt with Richard Simmons.

At the risk of not being snarky for a sentence, I have to say that I saw the performance Leslie Caron won for, and she was GREAT! 100% deserved. She was so good they almost gave her award to Katherine Heigl.

Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are funnier in a coma than Ryan Seacrest would be performing The Importance of Being Earnest. And I'm sorry, Tony Bennett is great and all, but he is not funnier than Stephen Colbert. However, Tony's son Danny babbling on and on, not letting his living legend father get a word in edgewise to accept his own Emmy was pretty damn funny. And then Tony introduced a woman he thinks is his wife, although she looked considerably younger than his son.

The "President and CEO" of the Emmys came out and talked about TV that gives back and performs charitable acts, at least I think that was what he was blathering about. I saw Bob Hope hit the screen in a clip and hit the mute button fast.

Let me see if I got this right; they had a set of Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons impersonators come out and sing old Four Seasons hits while Sopranos clips played in the distant background on screens you mostly couldn't see at all, to celebrate The Sopranos? I didn't really see much (any) connection. Yes, Frankie Valli had a high voice, but he wasn't a soprano. However, it was wonderful to hear some good music again for a few minutes. Maybe they could have come out again later and done a few more numbers, as a tribute to 30 Rock.

It was an awards show, so naturally Helen Mirrin showed up, and naturally they gave her an Emmy. The thing is, she wasn't in anything this year. They just gave her an award out of habit.

What was the award to Al Gore for? Does he know? Was it for staying off TV?

Okay, about Joley Fisher. After Brad Garrett leered down her dress, and made the joke about a western titled "Bury My Head Between Your Knees." (Which Fox thoughtfully did not bleep out, as a crass joke about cunnilingus isn't anywhere near as offensive as saying that Mothers don't like War.), she said to him: "Honey, you couldn't get on Craig's list. Oh no, I'm sorry, unless it was Senator Craig's list." scroll down to the the flogging I posted two entries below, and read my title: Senator Craig's List. The date on that posting is September 8, 2007. Joley, you'll be hearing from my attorney. And then she gave Stephen Colbert's Emmy to Tony Bennett. Fisher! Pay attention to what you're doing, when not ripping off my flog.

Next time, let Eliane Stritch host. Stritchey, as usual, was funnier than everybody else. Elaine said she's never been cheap and she's never been easy, which explains why we were never up for the same roles; we're two diametrically different types, despite our shared love of social drinking and penises.

Greg Daniels is a wonderful writer, but now we know why he doesn't perform his brilliant work. He could turn a half-hour sit-com into a mini-series just stammering out a single joke. Greggy, the secret of comedy is timing. Get some. (This is from love, not from jealousy because you're a better writer than I am, you bastard.)

Ryan, in his Henry VIII drag, said, "You know, this looked a lot less gay on the rack." Well of course it did. It wasn't being worn by a gay man then. (And that Henry VIII; what a big old homo he was. Just ask the 6 wives.)

When you're relieved to have Wayne Brady come on to do a comedy bit, Ryan's has been on too long. Ryan, when Wayne Brady is a step up from you (Helped by the legendary comic stylings of Kanye West), you are not funny.

"Best Reality Series" is another joke award, right? All I know is that when they announced The Amazing Race as the winner (again.), I could hear Waaamber from Big Brother 8 wailing "WHY GOD?" all the way from the sequester house.

Ricky Gervais didn't show up, so Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert gave his award to Steve Carell, who plays Ricky's old role on The Office. Works for me. Never give it to Ricky, Steve. In my last flogging, I retold the tale of how I gave Delores Delgado's Oscar to Jane Wyman. Some readers have expressed skepticism about this story. Well now you've seen Jon & Stephen really do it, so you see? It does happen! They got big laughs doing it, but Jane Wyman never got the joke. Nor did Delores for that matter. For her psychotic reaction, read Chapter 31, "In Seine!", of my award-ignored autobiography My Lush Life.

Speaking of Jane Wyman, I noticed in the Dead People Montage that both Jane Wyman and Jane Wyatt died this last year. My God, as if I didn't get them mixed up enough already as it is! Now which one was First Lady, which one was Spock's mother, and which one's husband always knew best? (Hint, that last one can't have been Wyman. Ronnie never knew best! Besides, on Falcon Crest she only pretended to make wine, the big booze tease! How I detest Hollywood sham!)

Why does William Shatner have bigger boobs than Debra Messing? And why is he funnier than her?

America Ferrera won an Emmy for playing Betty Ford. I haven't seen the show, as Selma Hyack's eyebrows scare me, and it's opposite Smallville. Is she any good?

Okay, now James Spader is being funnier than Ryan Seacrest, and he's improvising!

I know there were two more minor awards to give out (Best Comedy Series and Best Drama Series) but when Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton stepped up, it was just too many Republicans on Fox. I half-expected Bill O'Reilly to step up and join in the banter. I needed a drink, and I went and got one. What won?

Cheers darlings.


Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Tallulah,

Right on the money, you delightful old bag. Simply brilliant, is all. Please keep up the good work.

Sam Longoria

I agree, thank God they bleeped Sally Field and her foul mouth.

After her "you like me" speech, I rode in the elevator with Sally and her Oscar, and told her I liked her speech. She said, "Really? It was all Bull****!" and she burst out laughing.

Needless to say, I was shocked. Show business embodies only a single principle, but to actually say "the word" to describe it...

I couldn't believe my ears. I mean, didn't this girl play "The Flying Nun?"

Tallulah Morehead said...

Sam darling, thanks for commenting. However, I'm 110, which is too old to be trying to decipher astericks. Bull what? Bullpen? Bullogna? Bully for you? Bulshit on a big steaming platter?Don't be coy.

Sally Field was in an elevator? I thought she could just fly up! You know why she could fly and none of the other nuns could? Because, although they all wore the winged habit-hats, only Sally's was on an airhead.

Cheers darling.