Friday, June 15, 2007

Feeling Grumpy

In my last flogging, I outed Gimli, the primary dwarf in The Lord of the Rings, as a female, which has caused an e-firestorm of outraged emails from virgin Tolkien fanboys and miffed dwarfs. Do you know how hard it is to read emails written in runes? Darlings, I knew the woman. You didn't. Trust me, I know a female dwarf when I smell one. The problem, as Gimli herself points out in the movie, is that female dwarfs look exactly like the male dwarfs, right down to the beards. With human females, if we want beards, we have to marry them, which I have, repeatedly. I don't divorce husbands; I shave them.

And bear in mind my long time experience with dwarfs, which stretches back to 1938, when I provided the voice for the Wicked Queen in Walt Disney's animated sequel to his enormously successful film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Our picture, of course, is the beloved musical dwarf-fest, 7 Brides for 7 Dwarfs.

At the end of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs you'll remember, little Snowy abandoned her seven height-challenged champions with whom she'd been living in sin in their love nest in the woods, to ride off to a castle in the clouds with her Fairy Prince, despite his pronounced necrophiliac tendencies. (How many apparently-dead women have you made out with? Exactly. On the DVD, look close at the scene where Charming kisses Snowy. He slips her the tongue, before she wakes up, when he still thinks she's dead.) But the dwarfs have gotten used to having a full-size, full-service woman around the cottage, cooking, cleaning, dancing, singing in her peculiar, ear-piercing voice, and tending to their every male need, if you follow me, and they wanted some more fresh nookie.

I played the Wicked Queen, who survived her fall from the cliff, and has regained her throne and her - well my - legendary beauty. With Snow White now beyond my power, I decide to revenge myself upon the dwarfs who crossed me. I disguise myself as another beautiful lost waif, albeit one with my maturity and sophistication, and take "Refuge" at the dwarfs cottage, taking over Snowy's functions in the dwarfs' lives. Of course, I can't cook worth gin. My Queen character has never set foot in a kitchen. What are servants for, after all? Cleaning isn't my strong suit either, but that's what woodland animals are for, to provide a maid service. I must try and see if I can get my cat and dog, Snatches and Baskerville, to clean up this place, because it's a mess.

My talents were at their best at the wet bar, preparing the dwarfs' cocktails when they come home from their Bling Mine, greeting me with their familiar musical salutation, "Hi, ho!", even though I'm not charging them for my other services, the ones performed upstairs, on their seven little beds.

I sing the lovely songs Whistle While You Drink, I'm Swishing, With a Smile and a Thong, and my big hit from the film, Some Day This Queen Will Cum, which I sing while the boys swarm all over me, indulging their tiny lusts.

But the big twist comes when I make the horrifying discovery of the real reason that Grumpy hated "Wimmin" so vituperatively in the first movie: Jealousy, just like the Queen, because he's a female, just like the Queen.

Yes, prior to Little Snowy's arrival in their woodland paradise, it was Grumpy who had serviced the other dwarfs each night, after lamps out, except for Dopey of course. (Dopey's gay. You knew that. It's so obvious.). This was why Grumpy was so irritable all the time Little Snowy was there, usurping her position in the family, and spoiling the other dwarfs, by giving them a taste of what a beardless woman is like. In fact, until Little Miss White arrived, her name wasn't even Grumpy; it was Rumpy.

Since Rumpy was the smartest of all the dwarfs, their real mastermind, albeit hidden by Doc's supposed leadership, I realize that she is the one I need most to have revenge on. And what better way to avenge myself on the hairy little slut than by depriving her permanently of the hot dwarf sex she'd been enjoying again since Snowy went off with Prince Charming. So I return to my evil castle where, with the aid of my Magic Mirror, I find five female dwarfs to marry Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, and Bashful, a male dwarf for Rumpy, and a gay dwarf for Dopey.

The dwarfs I find are the beloved Seven More Dwarfs: Slutty, Skanky, Smelly, Tipsy, Horny, Swishy, and Poontang. My revenge backfires in a positive way, as the dwarfs are all happy in their match-ups, and they live happily ever after. As for me, well, it's a Disney film, so I get a happy ending too, finally falling for my One True Great Love, namely, exactly what every wicked Queen I've ever known has only truly loved, the mirror. Yes, the Magic Mirror and I live happily ever after.

Buy the 2-disc DVD, when it's released in November. It's in considerably better taste than this 100% genuine Warner Brothers cartoon from the same year. But at least these dwarfs, were extremely well hung. Lucky Coal.

Cheers darlings.

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