Sunday, June 24, 2007

...And Fancy Free

Isn’t that picture inspiring? The giant statue on the left was created by the artisans at RKO in 1935, for my classic motion picture HER! It was supposedly made thousands of years ago by a primitive tribe that I’ve been ruling for 3000 years with a firm yet caressing hand. After shooting was completed, it was moved here, to Morehead Heights, where it was erected, like so many before it, in the center of my hedge labyrinth, The Befuddlement, which it towers over, providing beauty, inspiration, and a reason to reach the center.

20 years after the filming of HER!, it was taken to Universal, where it was used again in the semi-sequel Abbott & Costello Meet She Who Must Be Obeyed, and was then again returned to The Befuddlement.

In 2000, it was again moved. This time it was shipped to New Zealand where Peter Jackson had it cast and duplicated, and both were then erected on his Wellington backlot, to create The Tallugonath, for a memorable scene in The Fellowship of the Ring, when The Fellowship and I, as Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ the elvish camp-follower, sail past it on our way into Gondor. Indeed, it is presented as the Gateway into Gondor because all the millions of men who have entered Gondor over the three ages of Middle-earth also sailed in between my always-welcoming gams.

Remember that, as an immortal elfatrix, Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ is supposed to be immortal, and over 6000 years old, twice the age of HER. Why am I always being cast as someone thousands of years old? I remember asking President Taft the same thing, when he asked me to record his campaign song during his presidential bid, back in 1908. "Why," I asked him, "Do people always think of me as impossibly old? What am I, a Gabor?" I remember the wisdom of Taft’s gentle reply, "Just shut up and suck." Taft, like me, was a rule-breaker, just what you want in a Supreme Court Chief Justice, as he later became. When he ran for president 99 years ago, all the news anchors asked the same question, "Is America ready to elect a fatty to be President?" (And how coincidental, that he’s a relation of Little Dougie.)

Anyway, when Peter Jackson removed me from the movie, following that unfortunate incident when he and Fran Walsh walked in - without knocking I might add, so whatever they saw was their own fault - while I was Guest Den Mothering their son’s cub scout troop, just as I was helping the boys get their Sex Ed Wolf Badges by teaching them the meaning of ménage a sept, he was forced to spend thousands to have my statues digitally removed, and replaced with some silly statues of men. Tolkien purists from all over the world wrote angry letters from their parents’s basements, protesting the removal of Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ and The Tallugonath, which played such memorable parts in the books, but Petey remained so irrationally incensed, he just ignored them. Imagine a man being that jealous of his own son. The boys, I might add, all asked to have me back!

Both statues were shipped back to Morehead Heights. The original is back in the center of The Befuddlement, while the other, with a bright light placed inside it which shines out of my massive va-jay-jay, has been placed at the summit of Tumescent Tor, where it now helps keep ships from running aground on the massive twin boulders which flank the base of mighty Tumescent Tor, although this does cut down on the number of bewildered sailors I get to rescue and offer solace to each year. Drat!

It’s held up pretty well, hasn’t it, for something carved out of Styrofoam.

On another matter, I saw on the TV news the other day, that a lady at Six Flags Kentucky, accidentally got her feet severed by a cable line while enjoying Superman the Ride. Not that I want to laugh at this poor woman’s unfortunate misadventure, but …

They’ve changed the ride’s movie tie-in themeing from Superman to Footloose!

When I ride a Superman, my feet go flying too!

"Apart from that miss, did you enjoy the ride?"
"I can’t kick."

She hated the ride so much, as soon as it was over, she ankled.

The ride left her heels over head.

She’s a woman, so never mind the feet; did they recover her shoes?

Her lawsuit is doomed; she’ll never stand-up in court.

Next time try riding Clark Kent. All you’ll lose are your pumps.

Damn that Luthorcorp Ride Maintenance team!

Who knew they had theme parks in Kentucky?

Talk about toeing the line.

Look at the good side; no more standing in line.

Who knew Superman was a hoofer?

Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Please tip your hooker.

Cheers darlings.

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