Game of Emmies

As always, I tuned in to The Emmy Awards, to see if I was in the "In Memoriam" montage. I was relieved to see I wasn't. Nor, for that matter, was Harry Dean Stanton. I know he was in Twin Peaks: The Return, but it wasn't his fault that it was more incoherent than I am on New Years Eve. They shouldn't take it out on a newly dead beloved film legend. (One episode I saw seemed a lot better, more cogent and entertaining than the other episodes, until Little Dougie pointed out that I was watching my aquarium.)

Anyway, I tossed off a few verbal reactions, and Little Dougie jotted them down. It's nice he has time for me given how taken up he is with plugging his two new books, My Gruesome Life and We Belong Dead: A Gay Perspective on the Classic Movie Monsters. Neither of these books are about me, so what's the point of them? (Well, I do pop up here and there in My Gruesome Life, it being the entirely true autobiography of my dear friend, horror icon Guy Thanatos. And they are both quite funny - intentionally.) Anyway, here my Emmy observations are.

Colbert's Emmy monologue was great. He killed it, with a little help from Sean Spicer, pretending to have a sense of humor about himself. I don't imagine our fuhrer enjoyed it much, which made it even better.

So when the award is for acting, SNL is a "Comedy Series," but when the award is for the show itself, SNL is a "Variety Sketch Series." Make up your minds, Emmies.

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl and you should know it,
With each glance and every little movement you show it,
Love is all around, no need to fake it,
You can never tell, why don't you take it?
But you are not winning an Emmy this year.

Mamacita lost? Oh dear. Mommy Dearest is going to be so peeved, and she can be STRICT! Trust me. I know. Frankly, while I found Feud: Bette & Joan the most entertaining show I watched on TV all year (It was the only series about something important: female movie stars!), I was not surprised that Feud didn't win anything. It was about those two Tallulah-wanna-bes, Bette and Joan. Now, if it had been about me and that bitch Delores Delgado, they'd probably have swept the Emmies, even winning categories they were not nominated in.

What's wrong with this picture? I'm not in it.

SNL is winning so much, it's like it's 1976 all over again. Why is Gerald Ford orange? But oops. Lorne Michaels forgot to thank our Fuhrer, without whom, they would not have swept all those awards.

I feel a youthful 79 again.

OK, who hired the offstage announcer with the unpleasant nasal voice who keeps screaming and shouting? Because the announcer and whoever hired him should both be fired.

Jeremy Piven: "Now the next category contains the word 'Supporting Performances..."

Ah, Jeremy and whoever wrote your banter, that's two words. It's what you call a "term."

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly...
Oh wait. I already did this joke.

Ann Dowd, when they announce you're the winner, you go up on the stage - preferably with alacrity as it's a long show. Did no one explain that to you? And stop looking like your cat just died. You won an Emmy. That's a nice thing.

Lena Waithe: "I gotta thank God." No you don't. Try limiting your thanks to entities that actually exist.

I see they replaced the words "Actor" and "Actress" with "Performer" in the "In Memoriam" montage. I wonder if they did so just so they didn't have to put the word "Actress" under the name "Zsa Zsa Gabor."

June Foray, Chuck Barris, Chris Bearde, Robert Osbourne, Jay Thomas. All folks Little Dougie knew, some he worked with, some he just shared jokes with. The In Memoriam montage was very personal to Dougie this year. As long as I'm not in it, I'm OK with it.

Damn. I was so rooting for Benedict Cumberbatch.

No shit, Sherlock, and no Emmy either.

OK, it's official, NO ONE at the Emmies knows how to pronounce "Junipero." It's pronounced "You-na-pair-oh," not "Jew-no-pair-oh." I can't believe that "The Lying Detective" lost to a movie no one associated with even knows how to pronounce properly.

Well, the Emmy show director certainly showed Sterling K. Brown who's in charge, didn't he? White guy, I'm guessing?

Sterling, darling, maybe if you gave your speech nude. No one would cut away from you then.

So Elisabeth Moss said that Warren Littlefield was "The coolest person I know. You're an artist."

Lis, there are about 200 people right in front of you who are cooler than Warren Littlefield. Go talk to some of them and learn what being cool really is. And he is NOT an "Artist." He's a business major.

I'd prattle on more, but The Desert Song is on. If you've nothing better to do, you might want to buy and read Little Dougie's new books. You can order them by clicking on the pictures of their covers. I needle Dougie, but the books are actually pretty good.

Cheers, darlings.

Now you can see why I call him "Little Dougie." Even an Emmy award towers over him.

"You Never Told Me Your Aunt Was Literate."

Click on the book cover to order it.

Well, I'm back in print! This is Little Dougie's newest book about me, released this week, and available by clicking on the picture of it. To avoid appearing to play favorites with me (As if I wasn't everyone's favorite!), he hasn't put me center stage this time, but pretends the book is all about my good friend and occasional co-star, horror movie Icon Guy Thanatos, so I only make cameo appearances here and there. 

To my amazement, when I read it (OK, had it read to me. I don't focus all that well anymore. I turn 120 in two weeks; give me a break) I learned about another husband I was married to and had totally forgotten. Any way, you'll learn new things about me, and the parts that are not about me (Roughly  a mere 85%, barely noticable) are funny and as entertaining as something not about me can be. Anyway, others who have perused advance copies all seem to like it.

"Cunning mischief. Douglas McEwan is a riot." - RC Matheson, author of Created By and The Ritual of Illusion.

"My Gruesome Life is funny, silly, disgusting, graceful, and hysterical." - Treva Silverman, Emmy-winning writer for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

"Douglas McEwan is one of the last of the laugh-on-every-page writers these days." - Ken Levine, Emmy-winning writer/producer, M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, The Simpsons.

"Douglas has single-handedly brought back the wit and style which has all but vanished these days, the era of Patrick Dennis and never-ending cocktail parties with zany, witty personalities." - David Del Valle, author of Lost Horizons Beneath the Hollywood Sign and Six Reels Under.

Here's what the back cover says:
SWISH UPON A STAR.

Vincent Price, Boris Karloff. Christopher Lee, they were all scary, but Guy (pronounced "Ghee") Thanatos was the scariest of them all, and off-screen, the nicest of them all. So why do so many people around him wind up suddenly dead? And why does his mother never have an alibi?

Acclaimed comic novelist Douglas McEwan answers these questions in the third of his movie-star themed series of funny novels, "A Song of Sex and Celluloid," in this blackly comic novel which has been described as "I, Claudius in 20th Century Hollywood."

Is "My Gruesome Life" the scariest comic novel ever written or the funniest horror novel of all time? You'll have to decide. Just don't read it in the dark. Your laughter may wake the dead!

(For mature audiences only)

The silly billies don't even mention that it's really about me. I guess they want my appearances to be glorious surprises, "Glamour Relief," like Comedy Relief, but really, they'd sell more books if people knew it was about me. Well, someone understood this, as here is Little Dougie's Author's Bio within the book itself:

About the Author.

Douglas McEwan is the author of two previous comic novels, My Lush Life and Tallyho, Tallulah!, both of which chronicle the adventures of the forever sozzled Miss Tallulah Morehead, who also wobbles her way into this book.

He has written and performed comedy for radio, TV, and stage. His television scripts for the local LA series Fright Night with Seymour were collected and published in Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well: The Horror Hosts of Southern California (Second Edition) by James Fetters. On radio in the 1970s, he interviewed such comic luminaries as Groucho Marx, Bud Abbott, and Lucille Ball.

In addition to his comic fiction, he is also the author of a successful serious stage adaptation of Dracula and the non-fiction book We Belong Dead: A Gay Perspective on the Classic Movie Monsters, also published by Pulp Hero Press. He lives in Los Angeles with two cats who are decidedly unimpressed with him.

That last book mentioned, We Belong Dead, is not about me, so I don't see the point of it, but it's funny, and if you like classic horror movies even when I'm not in them, you'll probably enjoy it also. Here's what it will look like when it is released quite soon.

Wait a minute! That is MY bedroom closet door! 

So read and enjoy. I have to catch up on Feud: Bette & Joan on the DVR. Who plays me in it?

My houseboys are looking odd these days.

They waited too long to film it. The perfect actress to play Joan Crawford had passed away.

Separated at birth?

I'd think that the title, Feud: Bette and Joan is too long. Maybe, if they really want people to watch it, they should have called it Feud: BJ. Doesn't that sound like more fun?

Anyway, the best way to enjoy your summer is reading Little Dougie's new book. Order one or two or fifty copies today. Cheers darlings.

From Die, Die, You Bitches. I was brilliant.

Trumputin Watches Obama's Farewell

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

While I was watching President Obama's glorious farewell speech, Little Dougie was monitoring @TheRealTrumputin as "TheRealTrumputin" live tweeted. Enjoy.

"People cheering overrated Obama. Sad." @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Obama says 'All Men are Created Equal.' Commie nonsense. I'm far more equal than anyone else. Really, everyone says I am the best at being more equal." @TheRealTrumputin

"Obama speech boring. He never mentions pussy or mocks the 'tards. Amateur." @TheRealTrumputin

"Obama calls this a peaceful transfer of power from one freely-elected pres to the next. Ha! Thinks he's so smart with all his "Knowledge" and "Education," yet Putie and me fixed the election right under his ethnic nose. Laughs on him." @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Obama says democracy requires a basic sense of solidarity. My base is crazy solid. Really, there's no problem, believe me. My base gets REALLY solid whenever Ivanka sits on my lap." @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Obama says Poverty is falling and the rich are paying their fair share of taxes. I will fix all that with one stroke of my pen on 1/20." @TheRealTrumputin

"Hey, Crooked Obama, if you love the middle class so much, why don't you marry it? #PerfectSquelch" @TheRealTrumputin

"Obama being really helpful by listing all the stuff I'm going to need to end next week. Thanks." @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Obama says race is still a problem. Duh. That's why I will dispose of all non-whites. Race Problem Solved. Next." @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Obama said some guy named Finch says to understand someone we need to 'Climb into their skin.' This is why I understand women so well. I'm always climbing into their skin. (Don't tell Melania) Is this Finch guy available for my cabinet?" @TheRealTrumputin

"Finally Crooked Obama mentions middle-aged white guys. Took long enough. Only important demographic." @TheRealTrumputin

"When did Jefferson promise his slaves equality? I'm just like founding fathers; I like not paying my workers too. I should be on Mt. Rushmore (Which is a WHITE mountain, hint, hint.)" @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Obama says 'Science and Reason matter.' Wrong! I matter. That's it." @TheRealTrumputin

"Obama's whore mom says 'Reality has a way of catching up with you.' Wrong. I'm 70 (But look 25) and it hasn't caught up with me yet. Reality is a loser." @TheRealTrumputin

"Dumb Obama still believing that climate change stuff. Doesn't he have a thermostat? Laughing at the fool." @TheRealTrumputin

"Obama mentions World War II, forgets the wrong side won. Never forget, Mein Herr." @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Obama reads list: 'Fear of change and of people who look or speak or pray differently, contempt for the rule of law that holds leaders accountable, an intolerance of dissent or free thought, the belief that the sword or the gun or the bomb or the propaganda machine is the ultimate arbiter of what's true or what's right.' Slow down, motor mouth, I'm writing them down. All good ideas. Will be my agenda. Thanks." @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Audience gives standing ovation to Muslim Obama's 'I reject discrimination against Muslim Americans.' Clearly whole crowd is Muslim Terrorists. Will deport everyone there." @TheRealTrumputin

"Crooked Obama denounces authoritarianism. Authoritarianism is as American as slavery and poll taxes. Will bring back all three. Make America Great Again." @TheRealTrumputin

"Pinko Obama says 'Our own freedoms will eventually be threatened.' Eventually? I have it on my calendar for the 21st. Gonna be wild." @TheRealTrumputin

"Traitor Obama: 'Unless we betray our Constitution and our principles in the fight. Unless we give up what we stand for and turn ourselves into just another big country that bullies our neighbors.' GREAT IDEAS! Stealing!" @TheRealTrumputin

"Nutjob Obama: 'We should reduce the corrosive influence of money on our politics, and insist on the principles of transparency and ethics in public service.' As Richard Pryor (My BFF. Why doesn't he phone me anymore?) said, 'That N-word's crazy.' (Memo to self. Look up definition of 'Corrosive.')" @TheRealTrumputin

"Weird Obama: 'Our Constitution is a remarkable, beautiful gift.' Well, the Electoral College is, anyway. The rest of it I'm not crazy about. Will throw the rest of it out. You don't need it; you have me." @TheRealTrumputin

"Loser Obama: 'That's what our democracy demands. It needs you.' Well, it's got me, problem solved. But how rude of Obama to ignore the crowd and say that directly to me." @TheRealTrumputin

"Obama shows his lack of class by telling us to lace up our shoes. I have a team of Thai girls who lace up my shoes for me. Only classless losers self-lace. Why does he want shoe lacers out of work? Obama screws the working man AGAIN!" @TheRealTrumputin

"Dishonest Obama: 'Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose.' Ha! Plagiarizing Kandor & Ebb. Why is plagiarism OK for him but wrong for my wife and my appointees? He's plagiarizing our plagiarism!" @TheRealTrumputin

"Crybaby Obama: 'I have mourned with grieving families.' I don't do mourning. Too depressing. I prefer happy families, like mine now." @TheRealTrumputin

"Horny Obama WISHES Michele were Melania. Melania is hot, all Michele is good for is writing Melania's speeches." @TheRealTrumputin

"Nutball Obama praises his daughters, little losers. I wouldn't bother to grab them. My daughters are a billion times hotter. What else matters?" @TheRealTrumputin

"Obama stops disloyal crowd from booing me. He was our greatest president for those few seconds." @TheRealTrumputin

Well, won't this be an exciting time, for the few months or weeks or hours before Trumputin launches that nuclear war he hungers for and we're all reduced to radioactive ash. Apparently he plans to counter Global Warming with a Nuclear Winter. Let's hope it's after March, so you'll all get a chance to read Little Dougie's two new books, We Belong Dead: A Gay Perspective on the Classic Movie Monsters and My Gruesome Life: The autobiography of my close friend, horror icon Guy Thanatos (In which I make guest appearances), coming in the Spring before our Nuclear Winter. 

Cheers, darlings.

Trumputin engages in his foreign policy. 

Birthday Glamour

Martine hanging out with Little Dougie in photos taken a quarter of a century apart.

A Quick happy birthday to my old friend, Martine Beswick, 75 years fabulous today. I love you, my darling. 

Cheers!

Sex, Lies and The End of Civilization

Watch it! Those fingers are loaded!

This old lady watched the debate, because this old lady would like someday to be an even older lady. Here's some random thoughts.

Lester Holt: "You have 30 seconds to reply before I make a lame attempt to stop you and then give up and let you ramble. You have been warned."

Well, Trump's quiet, reasoned, presidential voice lasted almost a full five minutes.

"Even if they're on watch lists wrongly, we'll help them get off."

That's an awfully personal approach.

Well, Trump's stand on taxes has nailed him the billionaire vote.

"I settled that lawsuit with no admission of guilt."

Donald, that doesn't mean you didn't do what they sued you for; it just means you bribed your way out of it, because you knew if you went to court you'd lose because you were guilty.

"Admirals have endorsed me, and many more are coming next week, to 'delete' this country. I was just endorsed by ISIS." .Huh? Anyway, it takes a Trump to brag about pre-endorsements.

Secretary Clinton has been fighting ISIS her entire life? You mean she's 14 years old?

"I have common sense." Possibly Trump's most transparent lie of the night.

"It was actually covered very accurately in The New York Times, which is unusual for The New York Times, to be honest."

His inability to resist any chance to deal out insults means he basically said: I'm right, because The New York Times said so, and they are liars.

Of course, any time he says "To be honest" or "Believe me," he's lying.

"I have much better judgement than she does. There's no doubt about that. I also have a much better temperament than she has."

Okay, those were his most transparent lies of the night. 

"What Secretary Clinton was saying about nuclear with Russia, she's very cavalier in the way she talks about various countries..."

He's offended by how she talks about his pals in Russia.

"Once the nuclear alternative happens, it's over. At the same time, we have to be prepared. I can't take anything off the table."

So, he won't end all human life unless he has to. I can not rule out destroying the earth. Thank you, Donald Strangelove.

"And also stand up to bullies, whether they're abroad or at home," or at the next podium.

Stamina is really the wrong way to go after Hillary.

"He loves beauty pageants and hanging around them.."
My favorite of Hillary's cheap shots back.

"She's spent hundreds of millions of dollars on negative ads about me, MANY OF WHICH are absolutely untrue."

That made me laugh out loud. So which were the true ones?

(And "Hundreds of millions of dollars"? Really? For a "businessman," he's not good with numbers.)

Hillary says trump hasn't paid taxes. Trump said: "That makes me smart."

AMERICA, ARE YOU LISTENING???

Hillary prepared, and had facts and figures.

Trump didn't, and had vagaries and bullshit pulled out of his ass onstage.

Hillary is the sort of person he used to pay to do his homework for him. Couldn't do that this time.

"My father gave me a small loan."

Fourteen million dollars in 1968 dollars is a "small loan"? To paraphrase Douglas Adams: this is some new meaning of the word "Small" with which I was not previously familiar. He pulled himself up by his dad's bootstraps.

This just in: Trump DEMANDS Putin moderate next debate.

Trump told Fox News that all the polls say he won, in a statement he prepared last week.

I had no idea I was ever married to Orson Welles.

So, with the debate over, I'm returning to the Real World by listening to the Mercury Theater radio production in which Orson Welles plays my third husband, Count Vlad Tepes, under his better-known nom de tomb of Count Dracula.

Uh-oh, Dracula just said to Harker, "To tell the truth, I have no interest in drinking your blood. I would never drink your blood, believe me. But if I did, I would drink your blood so great, you'd love it. I would be the best blood drinker ever. Everyone says to me. 'Please drink our blood.' Frankenstein's blood-drinking policies have been a total failure. Transylvania is a mess now. I want to make Transylvania great again."

Meanwhile, if you need something to get you through the horror of the election, Little Dougie's new book (He calls it a novel, but every word is true), My Gruesome Life, the autobiography of my dear friend, 1960s horror movie star icon, Guy Thanatos, "The Man Who Gave Evil a Bad Name." It comes out on Halloween, so just in time for you to have a very funny book to read, purest black comedy, on election night. And best of all, since Guy and I are old, old friends (I mean it; we're OLD!), and made movies together, I pop up here and there throughout the book. You're sure to enjoy it.

Until then, cheers, darlings.

The greatest book ever written, sort of. Well, a very funny black comedy anyway.