Saturday, February 26, 2011

My Miscellany.

Hello Darlings. You know, in Hollywood I've met a lot of two-faced people, but that washout from Cirque Du Soliel, Dr. Lao, is seven-faced!

My Facebook page keeps showing me ads for "H.P. Lovecraft audiobooks." Ignoring for the moment the insult that it thinks I can't read for myself, I'm tempted, if only to hear how some poor actor pronounces: "Ph'nglui mglw'mafh Cthulhu R'lyeh Wgah'nagl fhtagn." (That's transcribed directly from a Lovecraft tale.)

But then, if someone did pronounce it correctly, it would unleash a shitstorm of ancient, inter-dimensional monsters upon us. It was some poor schmuck reading that story aloud last November that accidentally put all those insane Teabagger candidates into Congress. Let's face it, Michelle Bachman is clearly Yog-Sothoth, Speaker of the House John Boner is obviously a Shoggoth (the crying is a dead giveaway), Rand Paul is unmistakably the horrific Nyarlathotep, while everyone knows that the hideous and revolting Sarah Palin is actually Ia Shub-Niggurath, aka "The Goat with a Thousand Young." And the state of Texas is obviously the hideous Yuggoth, while poor Wisconsin is being turned by its wacky Governor Cthulhu into the Fabled Plateau of Leng, where only nameless horrors live. Take a look at the Teabaggers' platform; it's the Necronomicon in English.

Think about it. In Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos stories, the hideous "Old Ones" are the Elder Gods, who once possessed the earth millions of years ago, and now reside in some inter-dimensional netherworld, trying ever to seduce extremely stupid and/or evil humans into performing the rites that will unleash these horrors back onto earth, to wipe humanity off the planet, and reign as Nameless Evil forever. Good grief, it's the Official Teabagger Agenda. Now it all makes sense.

Mark Twain, seen here with his second wife, Betty White, is dead, yet he put out a new book this year, a best seller in fact. Being dead is no longer an excuse for not writing. Come on, Charles Dickens, finish The Mystery of Edwin Drood already, you slacker!

Don't you love the American newsmedia? There are revolutions all over North Africa and the Middle-East, Wisconsin is being devastated by a crazed Fascist Governor who is trying to destroy the unions, Congress has been taken over by the Cult of Cthulhu and is trying to destroy all that is good in America, and an earthquake in New Zealand has killed a large number of people, but the big headlines this week were "Charlie Sheen Off the Deep End Again," "Jennifer Lopez Cries on American Idol," and the really big one that has every fat, pimply 13 year old girl in the country wailing in despair: "Justin Bieber Got a Haircut." Stop the presses! No, I mean it. Stop them, if this is what they're printing.

Not that I have anything against Celebrity news. In fact, I'll be recapping The Oscars on Monday over at The Huffington Post. After all, I am the second-oldest surviving celebrity in the world these days, after Betty White. I was delighted to see another ancient celebrity, my old pal and (blood) drinking buddy, Sir Christopher Lee, receive a the BAFTA version of a Life Achievement Award. Seeing all the great of movieland giving him two standing ovations did my heart good. Congratulations to Sir Christopher. Here he is with his award, his wife, and me. Lady Lee must be stronger than I am, because I could never stand erect wearing that 50 pound lead necklace she has on. I overheard a Ubangi saying "That's a bit much."

Little Dougie is a lifelong fan of Sir Christopher. Here he is with Sir Chris back when both of them were in considerably better shape. As you can see, Sir Christopher was obviously taking fashion tips from Dougie, as the only major differences in their outfits is the colors of their otherwise matching sweaters.

But along with an honor, came a mistaken disgrace, for poor Sir Christopher was the victim of identity theft, when a douchebag Teabagger (Yes, he's a teabagger and a douchebagger) congressman began passing himself off as Representative Christopher Lee online, where he was trying to cheat on his wife. As his cheating shows, he is, or was, an actual congressman, but don't be fooled. Sir Christopher only pretends to be Evil in movies. Ex-Congressman Lee actually is Evil. In fact, he took Christopher Lee's name because his real name is Azathoth, another of Lovecraft's horrors.

Speaking of The Oscars, The Wolfman was nominated for Best Make-Up. Who knew CGI constitutes "Make-Up." (But I really liked the movie. Good luck to Rick Baker, like he needs another Oscar.)

A 40-year member of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association committed suicide the day after the Golden Globes were awarded. Talk about overreacting to Ricky Gervais! I thought Ricky was funny.

I saw this headline last week: "Schwartzenegger to Act Again." What do they mean by "Again"?

Did you watch the Rose Parade? During the broadcast, longtime parade TV host Stephanie Edwards actually said: "I'm going to apply some nuts to my face this year." Steph, your mike is on! Stephanie is a lovely woman. I shared a dressing room with her for a TV broadcast once many years ago. Perhaps it was observing me that gave her the idea for this unique beauty treatment, or maybe she was inspired by the Teabaggers.

Speaking of old celebrities, poor Zsa Zsa Gabor is not in the best of health, and had to have one of her legs amputated. Her ex-leg just announced its marriage to Long John Silver's old leg. It's the first marriage for his, the ninth for hers. (Too soon? Well, Zsa Zsa won't see it.)

Darling David Tennent, the 10th Doctor Who, now regenerated, is marrying Georgia Moffett, who is the daughter of Peter Davison, the 5th Doctor Who, making The Doctor into his own father-in-law/son-in-law. This sort of thing may be considered okay on Gallifrey, but here on earth, you're not supposed to marry your own daughter, now matter how many times you've regenerated since.

Plus, Georgia's mother played Trillian, the heroine of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in its TV series version. So she's also descended from Douglas Adams's other TV comic science-fiction universe. This is the sort of thing that can cause a time vortex that can swallow all of Reality.

They've got to get this stupid Spider-Man musical opened, so it can close. Julie Taymor needs to get on to her next dream project, a $100 million dollar revival of The Fantasticks. A cast of 40 will perform the entire show flying on wires at all times, manipulating twice lifesize marionettes. Julie has promised: "This time it will be fantastic!" The show, she promises, will be so deadly, she doesn't expect to get through any entire performance without killing at least one cast member. That's entertainment!

Here we see a typical Republican, the ones who invented this Teabagger scam to con stupid people across America into voting for people who are out to rob them and destroy all middle-class Americans, celebrating the extension of the Bush tax cuts for the rich. You know the Teabaggers are serous about balancing the budget by their extending those tax cuts which, if ended, would vastly increase America's income. Well, millions may be out of work, thousands have lost their homes, and essential services for the poor may be cut, but at least our overlords can still swim in their obscene personal wealth.

Here's Dick Cheney at his winter vacation undisclosed location, relieved that he won't have to pay his fair share of taxes to repair the country he destroyed. Did you vote for him, or for any Teabagger? If so, go screw yourself, asshole.

Speaking of Dick Cheney, here he is celebrating his latest Not-Fully-Dead-Yet Day. Why can't we deny him healthcare, the way his minions labor to deny it to you?

In other bad news, while the supremely Evil Dick Cheney lives on and on, artificially, several wonderful people have died recently. Jeanne Siegel, widow of Jerry Siegel, co-creator of Superman, and the inspiration and model for Lois Lane passed away, with no Superman to rescue her from old age. And my darling Betty Garrett died.

I've known Betty slightly for a long time now, and she was a powerhouse. She even presented Little Dougie with an acting award once, back in 1996. (It must have been some sort of horrible mistake.) Betty was a musical star at MGM until her career was sidelined by the Red Scare, that disgraceful blot on American history that happened the the last time the conservatives went power mad. (If we let these stupid Teabaggers run riot, the blacklist will return, mark my words. American Fascism lies happy and hungry in the heart of the Teabaggers.) Betty's crime? She was a liberal.

But she fought her way back, and found a second career on TV in the 1970s, winning another generation of fans. She was indefatigable. She even taught a musical comedy workshop the day before she died. She won the Kenny Award (named for my dear friend, the late Kenny Sasha, who was its first recipient), given to the person each year who does the most the help people with AIDS. Betty was a saint, and the conservatives who hounded her will never meet her again, as she won't be dropping by Hell, where they will all rot forever.

And if all that wasn't bad enough, the great Kenneth Mars died the same week. Even attempting to list all of Ken's magnificent career could take weeks. I first met him on the set of Young Frankenstein back in January 1974, and fairly recently ran into him in the Ahmanson Theater lobby, where we had a lovely chat. Along with being a brilliantly funny actor, he was approachable, friendly, warm, and very smart. He was also about 9 feet tall. I adored him. He was, after all, the man who told us: "Not many people knew it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer."
"Nobody efer said a bad vord about Vinston Churchill! Churchil, vith hiz cigars, and hiz rotten painting, rotten! Now Ze Fuhrer, there was a painter. he could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon, two coats!"

"Shit! To zee lumberyard!"

It turns out the Easter Bunny has a drinking problem. When I mentioned this to my friend, Little Brian McCray, he replied: "The Easter Bunny can quit anytime it wants to, damn it! Get off its back! Do you have any idea how stressful it is for a pink rabbit to lay chicken eggs to hide for Christian children to find in a pagan ritual? This is wheels within wheels, buddy. He just needs something to take the edge off."
Brian misunderstood my meaning. Bunny's drinking problem is finding a bar that will serve animals.
Is this the British guy they cast as Superman? Because he looks a little young. In fact, he looks like charming Billy Mumy, whom I've met a couple times and know to be a delightful chap, nothing like the creepy magic kid Anthony he played on that classic episode of The Twilight Zone based on Jerome Bixby's story: It's a Good Life. I can hear the new movie's dialogue now: "Clark, it was a good thing you did to Lex Luthor, a good thing. He'll be much happier out in the cornfield."

On another matter altogether, Little Dougie wrote the forward for this book, and a long essay about Larry "Seymour" Vincent, and it will contain some of the scripts he wrote for Seymour's TV show. Any baby boomer who grew up in Los Angeles will want to read this book, which is now available at

In parting I offer you this thought: There are no strangers in the world, just friends you haven't offended yet.

Cheers darlings.