Sunday, December 23, 2012

Merry Mayan Apocalypse & a Happy No Year.

Well, I have been nicely naughty.
Oh, it's the bloody holidays again. Well, why write new stuff for Christmas? No one else does. What's on TV all week? The billionth repeat of Charlie Brown's Christmas. Darlings, Charlie Brown is on Social Security. He's almost 70. How The Grinch Stole Christmas. No, not the unbearable Jim Carrey horror movie (Though that is on, if you know any children you really hate!), but the delightful animated version starring my ex-husband Boris Karloff. Darlings, Boris has been dead for over 40 years. The show still airs every December! Also on, the hundred billionth repeat of Frank Crapra's It's a Maudlin Life with Jimmy Stewart. That picture was shot 100 years ago. For everyone in that movie these days, It's a Wonderful Death, because they are all dead, and if I ever have to sit through that movie again, I'll kill myself too. If an angel had ever shown Crapra what Life would have been like if he'd never been born, he'd have seen that no one ever made this movie, and the world was full of a lot fewer bored people every Christmas.

The Charlie Brown Christmas show is a bit "edgier" this year.

What else is on? Repeats of all the Christmas shows that have been on every single year since the manger in Bethlehem. (If we pretend for a moment that the Christmas Fable is actually true, and is not what it so obviously actually is, a myth. Hint: Virgins don't get pregnant. Believe me, I tried that one on my mother a century ago and even she wasn't stupid enough to fall for it.) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Had a nip or two have you Rudy? Me too.), The Little Bummer Boy, Rudolph the Big-Dicked Pornstar, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, and of course, 8000 different versions of A Christmas Carol. Much as I love Charlie Dickens (And I might add, he adored me), how many times can I see that same exact story? Who is your favorite Scrooge? Alastair Sim? Albert Finney? George C. Scott? (George, here's a note that obviously your director was afraid to give you: Scrooge is supposed to be English. You might at least have thought about trying an English accent) Sir Patrick Stewart? Mr. Magoo? Scrooge McDuck? Paul Ryan?

Again, Jim Carrey does not make my cut. The duck scores over Jim.
Not that there's nothing new. We do get a fresh Doctor Who Christmas special, Doctor Who and the Snowmen. At last, a reason to look forward to Christmas! After all, it was, of course, The Doctor who saved us from the Mayan Apocalypse. (The world was supposed to end on a Friday? Clearly it was a mischisel. They didn't mean to chisel "End of the World"; they mean to chisel "End of the Week.")

Our 2012 Christmas present from the BBC.

So let's dip into my bag of familiar annual Christmas postings.

First, of course, our Mel Gibson classic. After all, what says "Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men" more than Mel Gibson ranting against Jews?

One of these guys is only a nightmare before Christmas; the other is a nightmare all year long.

The Passion of the Elf
by Inclement Clarke Morehead

'Twas the night before Christmas, all through Morehead Heights
Not a creature was stirring, 'cept deep in my tights;
My pantyhose hung by the chimney with Nair,
In hopes that Huge Jackman soon would be there;
The vodka was nestled all snug in my head,
While visions of sugar-tits made my legs spread;
Like me in my turban, the brave with no head,
Had just gone to sleep, or perhaps we were dead.
When outside my skull there arose such a clatter,
I fell out of bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I crawled like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up my hash.
Then mooning my breasts from my new-fallen pants,
Gave the luster of porn to my sagging implants.
When what to my blurry red eye there appears,
But some really big gay, and eight quite tiny queers,
And a little old driver, so drunken and glib, son,
I knew in a moment it must be Mel Gibson.
More rapid than virgins, his coursers they came,
And he humped them, and shouted, and cursed them by name;
"Now, Flasher! Pole Dancer! Fag Prancer, you Vixen!
On Slutty! On Trampy! On Scrotum and Nixon!
To the top of her porch! To the top of her house!
Now dash away! Dash away! Tear off her blouse!"
As dry heaves that before the wild hurricane barf,
I can’t get these stains off my lovely headscarf.
Up to my house-top they flew just like Krypto,
With the drunken old fool who made Apocalypto.
And then, in a flash, I heard on my ceiling,
The horrible sound of my juices congealing.
When I stuck out my butt, to show my endzone,
Down my chimney Mel Gibson came hard, with a groan.
He was painted bright blue, and was covered with gore,
And he smiled and he laughed and he called me a whore;
A bundle of buttplugs was flung on his back.
He was stinking of gin, my aphrodisiac.
His eyes -- how they watered! His dimples -- how sexy!
I don’t know why he gives the Jews apoplexy.
His wet drooling mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as yellow as snow;
The stump of a leg he held tight in his teeth,
And the blood it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face, narrow mind, and round belly,
That shook when he raved, like petroleum jelly.
He was skinny and drunk, a right smelly old elf,
I got damp when I smelt him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his knob,
And his purple-eyed warrior started to throb.
He spoke not a word, but just started to jerk,
And soon stained my poster of Young Captain Kirk.
Then shoving his finger inside of his nose,
And giving a prod, up my chimney he rose;
He soon gave his team a quite mean disemboweling,
And then filmed their deaths, as they all lay there howling.
Last I heard him exclaim the incredible news,
"Happy Christmas to all. Now go kill some Jews."

When Mel says "Ho, ho, ho!" He's not laughing; he's ording a date or three from an escort service.

What is more Christmassy than Utah, where the Mormon Church shows its love for everyone by contributing money and activism to deprive gay people from having the right to marry. After all, who knows more about "Traditional Marriage" than a man married to 12 women, most of them teenage cousins of his? This past year they tried to take over the entire country by installing one of their most odious members as President. They failed spectacularly. Ho, ho, ho indeed!

Little Dougie's family was Mormon on his dad's side, so nothing says "Christmas" to him more than fending off Mormons. So let's all sing that lovely song from Meet Me in Salt Lake City:

Have yourself a very Mormon Christmas,
Make your loafers light.
From now on our homos will be out of sight.

Have yourself a very Mormon Christmas.
Make the Yuletide gay.
If they'd won, our weddings would be wiped away.

Here we are, what a pity,
Salt Lake City,
Oh wow.
Faith-based friends who are queer for us,
Can't be near to us,
They vow.

Some day soon the courts will all resolve this,
If the Latter-Day Saints allow,
But till then, tell Brigham Young to screw a cow,
And have yourself a very Mormon Christmas now.

That's Little Dougie, his mother and his sister Gretchen on Christmas 1955. The night before, this room was stuffed full of Mormons.

So, what would be the perfect Christmas gift for everyone on your Christmas list? You guessed it!

Tallyho, Tallulah! all takes place in the summer, so it will make you feel nice and warm on a cold winter evening.

So darlings, I'm your Auntie Christ, keeping the Christ out of Christmas. On behalf of myself, Little Dougie, the Headless Indian Brave, Eduardo my gardener's son, and everyone here at Morehead Heights, I'm wishing a very happy holiday to all of you little people sitting out there, in the dark, watching me, and touching yourselves.

Cheers, darlings!

Welcome to the Mayan Afterworld!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Hobbit-Forming Movies.

"The road goes ever on and on,
Down from my door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone,
And I must follow if I can."
Little Dougie took me on Peter Jackson's new amusement park thrill-ride the other da--- What, Dougie? Oh. Dougie tells me it wasn't a ride, just a movie called The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, but since we saw it in 48 frames-per-second 3-D, it looked so real, I thought I was there. Probably just as well I wasn't. That place is more dangerous than passing out at one of Lionel Atwill's parties.

Anyway, I really loved it. At the end of the three hours, I wanted three more hours.

Did you know I was in The Lord of the Rings? I was, but I was cut from the theatrical release version, and from the extended DVD edition, and from the still-upcoming, super-extended, hyper-long, extra-inclusive Red, White and Blu-Ray DVD version which is 24 hours long. "I just have no room to shove you in." Peter told me, although that's not what I said to him on a certain moonlit night in Aukland, when Peter fell prey to my charms, and I to his. Hobbit sex can be wild!

"Tallulah Morehead" in Tolkien's Elvish writing.

I was originally cast as Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ, the elvin camp-follower. I am appointed by Elrond (Played by the same actor who impersonated me in his drag act in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. He worshipped me!) to accompany the Fellowship of the Ring, assisting the fellows with their Male Needs along the road. Here I am seen accepting the charge of the Ring-Bearer. (Everybody on the set talked this way.)

Speaking of rings, I think at one time or another I was married to every one of these guys.

So in the original cut that no one ever saw (Except one film editor, who begged for the boon of being blinded afterwards. After seeing my performance, he preferred losing his eyes, to their ever seeing lesser sights. The tributes a star receives are strange indeed. I sent him a sweet note on an autographed picture, but he never wrote back), I am the tenth member of the fellowship, with tender scenes of relieving each member's member, easing their burdens by taking their loads from them at the end of each day, caressing Gandalf's magic staff (You could probe a Balrog with that rod! Look at the all the virgin boys at their computers, reading that, and typing "LOL, LOL" instead of laughing), restoring Aragorn's "Broken" sword, role-playing as Legolas's personal quiver, being probed for information by the Horn of Boromir, and two minutes each for three of the hobbits, and then half an hour for Sam Gamgee. Little Sean is a plump hottie.

Well, the Moria, the merrier.

"What about Gimli the Dwarf?" a few of you virgin fanboys with no life ask. Please! Do I look desperate enough to have sex with a dwarf? I'm only 115, not 1115. Remember the dialogue in the extended DVD version of The Two Towers, when Gimli admits that dwarf women look exactly like dwarf men, and Aragorn adds "It's the beards."? Get a clue boys; Gimli is a GIRL!  Frankly, when I order a gimlet, I expect something a lot more appetizing to be delivered than John Rhys-Davies on his knees. Besides, I was playing an elf. Elves loathe dwarves!

However, I may break my rule for Kili in The Hobbit. Hubba! Hubba! Look at those eyes!

Neither Grumpy nor Dopey ever had me mentally undressing them, especially in 48 fps and 3-D. Kili, you slay me!
You should see him when he's using the power of The One Cockring.

I hope this picture of Kili is a still from part 2 or 3, because THIS would fully justify 48 fps 3-D!

And while Kili was the hottest dwarf, he wasn't the only hot dwarf. Richard Amitage's Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, was pretty tasty too. He was certainly a hell of lot different than Hans Conried was in the role back in the 1977 Rankin-Bass animated version of The Hobbit.

Oh Thorin, you slay me.
But I'm being fickle. You see, back when I was on The Road to Mordor (The weirdest Bob Hope-Bing Crosby movie ever made) I met HIM! My one great love, the man I felt sure was to be my next, perhaps my final, husband. My dear, darling, passionate Gollum!

So much trouble just to lose some bling.
Sméagol, Sméagol, my so very precious little ring-bearer. How well I recall our nights of passion out on the Dead Marshes, and shaking our booties all night long in Mordor's hottest night spots. (We never missed "Wet-T-Shirt Night" at Orodruin. Even now, the aroma of Damp Orc makes me damp too.) He may have only worn a ragged little loincloth (Giving one freer access), but underneath it lurked his own, special Barad-Dûr, a Dark Tower that was truly his precious. Bear in mind, he wore Sauron's ring around that magnificent unit for 500 years. It was magic! What a man, or whatever the hell he was! But, perhaps like all great love affairs must be, ours was not to last. Too soon the shoot was through, and Gollum was off to "other projects," and not returning my calls. And then, every shot of me was removed from the film. (Peter's exact words were "I want every last trace of that filthy woman, even her stench, scrubbed out of my movie! And from my hands! My God, My God, I can still smell her on my hands!!!!" Sadly, he was, like so many before him, intimidated by my magnificence on film, and cut my role rather than risk himself being lost in my corona. Poor, envious man. And it's not like I scarred his son for life. The boy was okay with it.)


"The Tallugonath." Peter Jackson had my giant statues at the entrance to Gondor CGI'd out. So petty. This is what is called a "Big star."

Meanwhile a sort of dishy British actor named Andy Sirkis began giving me odd looks on the lot, and avoiding me off set. What was his problem, I ask you? Sure he's cute, but I never really even met him. Why does he act like three of my ex-husbands? If he were gay, instead of a husband and father, I'd be certain he is an ex-husband of mine. Might he be one of my handful of straight ex-husbands? Andy? Were we ever married?

And then Gollum, my Gollum, vanished. It was like he dropped off a cliff into a volcano. (He always was a loner.) Gollum, Where are you? I pine for you. I weep unnumbered tears. Sméagol, you are forever my one, my true --- Precious! Your Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ waits ever, yearning for you, as I sail on to Valinor.

But here he was back on the screen in 3-D, having his precious ring stolen by Dr. Watson. Will Sherlock Holmes still solve "The Case of the Missing Ring of Power" when he realizes it was Watson who stole it? Gollum and Watson's scene together near the end of the film is one of the highlights, which is ironic since it's set in a dark cave.

JRR and I, a match made in Beleriand.

It was interesting to see lovely Cate Blancette basically playing me. It's not widely known, but I inspired J.R.R. Tolkien to create the Lady Galadriel. Reuel looked at me and said, "A lady thousands of years old, still beautiful, but, instead of a drunken slut, she's a magical elvin queen! It will work!" Ah Reuelly, you big, curmudgeonly, Ludditish lug. When you thrust your magical talisman deep into my fiery Crack of Doom, You showed me what Fantasy is all about! You were my favorite Bad Hobbit.

How big a Tolkien geek is Little Dougie? Well, this is the title page of his hardcover edition of The Return of the King. The signatures are, clockwise from the upper-left corner: Sala Baker who played Sauron in the prologue of Fellowship of the Ring, Chief Hobbit Peter Jackson, screenwriters Philippa Boyens, and Fran Walsh, some old guy no one's ever heard of called "Sir Ian McKellen," and darling little Sean Astin, whose mother was Helen Keller and whose dad was Gomez Addams. I'm told it's rare for Gandalf and Sauron to sign the same parchment.
Little Dougie has actually read all those Tolkien books. Sometimes he has strange ideas about what constitues "fun." What did he think of this new Hobbit movie? I asked him, though I forget why. He said: "I was a wreck. Just as, 12 years ago, when I saw Fellowship of the Ring the first time, and started crying when Gandalf rode into a Hobbiton that seemed pulled out my brain from when I read the books, this time out, the first notes of Howard Shore's familiar music gave me goosebumps, and when Hobbiton came on in 48 fps and 3-D, so it was even more real than last time, boom, the tears started flowing again, and recurred periodically throughout the picture. (Who cries to see Gollum again? Me.) Do you know what a hassle it is to wipe trears from your eyes when you're wearing TWO sets of glasses?"

Pathetic, isn't he?

Peter Jackson has not released any pictures of how Smaug will look in the second film yet. This painting of Bilbo and Smaug was painted by Tolkien himself.

Benedict Cumberbatch, that wonderful actor who plays the real Sherlock Holmes, not that fake Sherlock impersonator on CBS, plays Smaug, and gets a solo, full-screen credit, which is odd, because Smaug never speaks in this film, and I doubt that the CGI visuals of Smaug (Of which we get only teasing glimpses), were Benedict doing a motion-capture performance of Smaug's tail in flight, so why is he credited in the movie at all? Orlando Bloom will be in part 2 next year, but is not in part 1, and he doesn't pop up in the credits. Cumberbatch must have a hell of an agent to get him billing, great billing, on a movie he isn't in.

Larry, Moe and Shemp camping.
Another very surprising set of guest stars were The Three Stooges as the trolls who turn to stone. I thought they were dead. They were fun, but it would have been better if they'd had Curly instead of Shemp. (Joe Besser felt the money wasn't enough to justify resurrection.)

The barrell scene isn't in part 1.
48 fps 3-D is a hell of a way to see a movie. Most movies are in 24 fps 2-D. When I began in films back in 1915, before I was born, they were silent, 16 fps and 1-D. I do not understand the folks, many of them critics, bitching about the movie looking "too real". This "Fantasy films should look unreal" idea escapes me. Ray Harryhausen, whom most of you know I adore, always bitches about CGI looking "too real," and gives that party line, but there I figured it was just him being defensive. As I said in My Lush Life, Ray made movies back when special effects were supposed to look fake.

I go to see a movie about Middle-Earth to see and "visit" that made-up magical place in the books, and want it made to look as real as possible. When a burning pine cone shot out of the screen into the audience and I involuntarily blinked to protect my eyes from the embers, despite wearing 3-D glasses, so my eyes were well protected, I knew it was working really, really well.

A wizard, a dwarf and an elf walk into The Prancng Pony...

It was nice to have a friend in the movie, in my case, my friend Barry Humphries, The Funniest Man in the World. Barry plays, brilliantly, the Great Goblin, and wears an outfit and make-up almost as grotesque as he does when playing his character Sir Les Patterson. And Barry even gets a song, appetizingly titled "The Torture Song." Shouldn't that song be in Les Misérables? Barry, as usual, was so much funnier than everyone else in the picture that they killed his character off towards the end, just so he won't also steal the other two movies as well. Sir Ian McKellen slices his belly open. I've known jealous co-stars who would do anything to sabatoge my performances in the past, but Sir Ian takes it to a new level.

Barry Humphries as The Great Goblin.

Barry Humphries as Sir Les Patterson.

The 7th Doctor Who, Sylvester McCoy, walks off with a goodly portion of the middle of the film. Well, not "walks off," more like rides off on a bunny-sled. He plays Radagast the Brown, yet another wizard, and one who must have been considered a bit odd even back in his undergraduate days at Hogwarts.

There is almost no truth to the rumor that Sylvester McCoy hopped in his Tardis and flew back to Middle-Earth solely to get away from Little Dougie. Daleks might also have been involved.

Little Dougie has never been to Middle-Earth, or even New Zealand, despite having relatives who live there just to get away from him. But as you can see, he hangs with the residents anyway. You saw his Sir Ian "Gandalf" signature above, and that shot up there with Radagast, and look below, there he is with Saruman and with the Great Goblin. He told me that, in person, the 3-D effect is a little blurry. They look far more real in the movie. After all, Reality is not 48 fps.

A great goblin and poses with Barry Humphries. BTW, that large yellow book Barry is holding is the manuscript of my autobiography, My Lush Life, which is dedicated to him.
You know why Dracula/Fu Manchu/Saruman looks so much younger here than in the movie? Meeting Little Dougie was so terrifying to him that it aged him over night.
 The fact is that the movie, no matter what the New York Times says, is great fun from beginning to end, and when you're hurtling through the goblin's caverns in 3-D that looks more real than your date does, it's exciting, gorgeous, funny, and joyful. If only Kili had some nude scenes, it would be the perfect entertainment. (Why is there no gay porn in 48 fps 3-D?) Snow White took one look at Thorin and Kili, went out, dug up the corpse of Walt Disney, and yelled at it. Who can blame her? Have yourself some fun and go see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. It will cheer you up after Les Misérables makes you miserable. Cheers, darlings.

"Far over the Misty Mountains cold,
To dungeons deep and caverns old,
We must away ere break of day,
To find our long-forgotten gold."

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Raves Keep Pouring In.

Sherlock Costello and Dr. Abbot detect a great read.

Yet another 5-star review of my new book has appeared on its Amazon page, this time by longtime Tallulah devotee, Tim Constant, who is obviously a man of taste and distinction.

5.0 out of 5 stars.
"Notes on a 'Nearly Living Legend' or Vodka and Vitriol

By Timothy L. Constant

TALLYHO TALLULAH! By Douglas McEwan is, without question, the funniest book I have ever read - but more, it is social satire of the highest stripe; a vat of sulfuric acid thrown in the face of a mendacious, hypocritical, intellectually lazy, society. The main character, Tallulah Morehead, is a Teabagger's worst nightmare. She is a one-hundred-and-fifteen-year-old B movie star who knows where all the bodies are buried, and who lives completely without morality or restraint. I love her. She is who I wanted to be when I grew up and whenever she speaks, I suddenly hear the voice in my own head saying all the things that I would say out loud if I wasn't afraid of Crucifixion.  

Now that's criticism! Thanks, Tim. Cheers, darling.

Critic's Cherce.

Another rave review has appeared on the Tallyho, Tallulah! Amazon page, this time by Dylan Brody. A second rave. Dylan is, as I was, a scribe at The Huffington Post. His Huff Po writer's profile says:

"Dylan Brody writes and performs humorous short stories and whimsical essays in venues around L.A. and across the country. A thrice-published author and award-winning playwright, he has performed stand-up comedy on A & E's Comedy On the Road and Fox TV's Comedy Express and recently was honored to present a story at the New York Public Library's Tribute to George Carlin, hosted by Whoopi Goldberg. Mr Brody's CDs Brevity and True Enough are available through and iTunes. He lives in Sylmar, CA, a location he describes as 'crap neighborhood adjacent.'"

Here's What Dylan had to say about my new tome:

5.0 out of 5 stars.
"You know what? Make it a double."
By Dylan Brody

There's a particular type of boozy-broad snark that has been emulated for years by gay men. I have never fully understood the allure for some men of imitating a sedated and inappropriate aging Judy Garland or a gin-addled Dorothy Parker, frankly, but the impulse is clearly there and for many the attitude and snideness serve as a crutch for an inadequate wit.

Douglas McEwan does not adopt this persona, from what I can tell, as compensation for a lack. Rather, Tallulah Morehead, drunken, aging, Hollywood sexpot, serves as a vehicle for a wit that I found myself wanting to hear beyond her recognizable voice. Tallyho Tallulah, McEwan's second turn with the character (I haven't read the first), had me laughing from the introduction. Once the story was underway it held me, grinning and chuckling throughout.

The delightful debauchery of this tale of self-importance in the world of summer stock puts camp on the page so exquisitely that one can nearly smell the vodka in the printer's ink. If text can slur languidly, Douglas McEwan has figured out how to make it happen.

Do yourself a favor. Read this book. With a drink in one hand and a hot young pool boy in the other.

What excellent advice, even if he's fallen for the myth that Dougie wrote the whole book and that I am some sort of fictional character, just because that's what the book says. (My publisher's lawyers felt they had to allege that I don't actually exist so that I can't sue myself. Lawyers.) I wrote it with a drink in one hand and Eduardo, my gardener's son, in the other. Little Dougie did all the typing. Incidentally, if you opt for one of the less-expensive ebook formats, Kindle, Nook, iBook, you can eSmell the eVodka.

I should be back in a day or so, reviewing The Hobbit. I can tell you, Peter Jackson would like my review of it. Cheers, darlings.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The "Wisdom" of the Wrong-Wing.

America's Bane at Bain.

How lucky are we that the Republicans lost the election? Well look at the crap that pours from their mouths.

"Hello. I am extremely stupid and enormously ignorant. Vote for me!"

“…the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more.”
~ Michele Bachmann, Speaking to Iowans For [Rich People's] Tax Relief about the framers of the Constitution, who fought that Revolutionary War to free the slaves. Not THEIR slaves, of course. Jefferson kept his slaves until he died, but you know, they were all for Freedom --- for land-owning white males.

Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”
~ Rep. Michelle Bachmann. So let's lock her in a room and pump it full of CO2. After all, it's not harmful.

"I'm rich! You're not! HA-ha!"

"Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people. Where do you think it goes? Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People’s pockets. Human beings, my friend.”
~ GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney. He means specifically HIS pockets, as though he were human.

“Exercise freaks … are the ones putting stress on the health care system.”
~ Rush Limbaugh, fat drug addict.

Mr. Health.
"Drug users not named 'Limbaugh' should all go to prison!"

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
~ George W. Bush. Ignoring for a moment "Families is" rather than "Families are" from an alleged Yale graduate, don't you love it when Wings take Dream? (Is that what Wings took? Let's ask Sir Paul.)

“From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.”
~ Texas Governor Rick Perry, on the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, in 2010, explaining why he worships BP as "God."

"I may be an asshole but at least I'm stupid."

Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant — they’re quite clear — that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments.”
~ Sarah Palin. Do you think she just believes that since she never read The First Amendment (or anything else), no one has? She was right about one thing here though, the Founding Fathers were "quite clear" on the matter.

“Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.”
~ Jerry Falwell. So unless you're a teenager (Or a TV evangelist), if you want to patronize a hooker, divorce your wife and marry the whore, or just screw a free slut. At least he's now okay with wives having jobs.

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change.”
~ Dan Quayle. Yup, especially if we elect Republicans.

“I get speaker’s fees from time to time, but not very much.”
~ Mitt Romney, who earned $374,000 in speaking fees in one year according to his personal financial disclosure. In his defense; $374,000 is Mitt's idea of "not very much money."

"We're against gay marriage also. We're douchebags."

"I hope that’s not where we’re going, but you know if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.”
~ Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle, proposing the murder of Senator Harry Ried in a radio interview. This is what is called a "crime".

  “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”
~ George W. Bush. Well, the little buggars won't hold still while he spreads the peanut butter on them.

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
~ Dan Quayle. Certainly he needed to study something harder in school. The Republicans thought he should be president.

"If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president.” ~ Ann Coulter. How about we meet her halfway, and just not let Ann Coulter vote?

Ann Coulter's Driver's License photo.
  “My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that. And so what you’ve got to do is you’ve got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better.”
~ South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, explaining why his state's poor residents should just be allowed to starve to death. This what they're talking about when they say "Compassionate Conservative." (A Compassionate Conservative is one who feels the super-rich's pain.)

“Our nation was founded on violence. The option is on the table. I don’t think that we should ever remove anything from the table as it relates to our liberties and our freedoms.”
~ Teabagger-backed Texas GOP congressional candidate Stephen Broden, suggesting the violent overthrow of the U.S. government if Republicans don’t win at the ballot box, interview with Dallas’s WFAA-TV, Oct. 21, 2010. The common term for this is "Sore Loser." The legal term for this is "Treason Against the United States of America."

"'Refudiate,’ ‘misunderestimate,’ ‘wee-wee’d up.’ English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!’”
~ Sarah Palin on why she's like Shakespeare. Let's lock her in one room and lock 1000 monkeys in another room, and see which writes Hamlet first. My money is on the monkeys.

“She’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a President. And besides, she has cancer.”
~ Newt Gingrich being "presidential" about his then-wife. He's so right. First Ladies are required by The Constitution to be hot. Just ask Eleanor Roosevelt and Barbara Bush.

People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 1941.
  “The Federal Department of Education should be eliminated. The Department of Education is unconstitutional and should not be involved in education, at any level.”
~ Sharron Angle, July 12, 2010, who clearly has never been involved in education at any level, especially "receiving."

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”
~ Pat Robertson. Damn! He's seen through our clever ploy! DOH!

“The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.”
~ Rush Limbaugh. Volunteering to be a target, Rush? (He's never heard of "disassembling"?)

Rush Limbaugh on disarmament.

“There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”
~ Michele Bachmann. Sadly, none of them have names. And the ones holding Nobel Prizes had to give them back to the actual scientists they belonged to when they came back to the table from the washroom. She doesn't seem to grasp what a "scientist" is. Michele, your pastor is not a "scientist."

"These are beautiful properties, with basketball courts, bathroom facilities, toilet facilities. Many young people would love to get the hell out of cities”
~ Carl Paladino on housing poor people in prisons. No, prisons are too nice for poor people. Let's house Republicans in them.

The Republican Social Safety Net.
"They [Republicans] say, ‘You’re too conservative.’ Was Thomas Jefferson too conservative?"
~ Nevada GOP and Teabagger favorite Sharron Angle, March 21, 2010. No, Sharon, Thomas Jefferson was not "too conservative." He was a liberal. Just ask King George III.

"I'm tired of some people calling me wacky."
~ Teabagger heartthrob Sharron Angle, also on March 21, 2010. Then I suggest she shut up.

“Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.”
~ Ronald Reagan, who stands by his words, and has refused to breathe that poison Oxygen for years now.

Friggin' Polluter!

“We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.”
~ Senile old man John McCain. The "Situation" being that there is no "Iraq-Pakistan border."

Pakistan? Hello, Pakistan? Where are you? I see Mordor, but not Pakistan.

“We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals.”
~ Ann Coulter. The sole good thing about Ann Coulter is that she's such an OPEN thug. She celebrates her own being subhuman.

"Evil? Moi?"
“Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.”
~ "President" George W. Bush. Is Africa's "incredible" disease "incontinence"? Because it's a continent.

“What people recognize is that there’s a fear that the United States is in an unstoppable decline. They see the rise of China, the rise of India, the rise of the Soviet Union and our loss militarily going forward.”
~ Michele Bachmann, apparently unaware that the Soviet Union collapsed more than two decades ago. And something must be done to stop that Austro-Hungarian Empire! And those Etruscans will be trouble one day also!

Pound-Foolish, the Lying Clown.

Well, they lost. Why not celebrate with a nice new copy of Tallyho, Tallulah!? The perfect stocking stuffer. Cheers, darlings.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Fan Male, Not From a Flounder.

Barry skipped out early from his election victory party for the more-important publication party for Tallyho, Tallulah!

This Reader Review, apparently written by a man of taste and perception (Though he seems to think that Little Dougie dreams up my adventures. I'd assure you this "novel" is true except I don't remember these events happening, but they're, you know, true-ish), has appeared on the page for the ebook of Tallyho, Tallulah! Enjoy, and thank you, Mr. Petretti.

5.0 out of 5 stars Tallulah's Back! November 24, 2012

By Robert Petretti


"Tallyho, Tallulah" is the second of Douglas McEwan's books to feature the irrepressibly hilarious movie "legend" Tallulah Morehead. Although the vodka-marinated Morehead had claimed in her autobiography, "My Lush Life" that she had no recollection of the 1970s, the timely discovery of her lost journal from the summer of 1974 documents that she was indeed on the move during at least part of that fashion-deprived decade - even if she wasn't totally conscious at the time. "Tallyho, Tallulah" chronicles the further adventures of this sloshed Old Hollywood siren as she descends on the unsuspecting California community of Alta Caca to claim her rightful place as THE star of that town's summer stock production of "BJ!" (a musical based on "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?") Between stage rehearsals with an obnoxious co-diva, teaching an "actor's workshop", and engaging in near-constant sex with hot young hunks, Tallulah wields her rapier wit to make mincemeat out of an assortment of Alta Caca's fools, hypocrites, and phonies - emerging triumphant from every encounter as only a TRUE star can. Those lucky enough to be tolerated - even liked - by this self-proclaimed enchantress soon find their lives turned every which way but routine - and (almost) always for the better. Blackmail, murder, forbidden love, one-way mirrors and an undiscovered Native American tribe are among the mysteries and intrigues pervading Alta Caca - until Tallulah arrives to act as catalyst for a summer no one would soon forget (except Tallulah).

"My Lush Life" was so rich with exploits that its readers might think Morehead had said it all; what a delight that McEwan has mined a new story that stands completely on its own. There are terrific laughs throughout - among my favorites is the kicking scene in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" reimagined as a choreographed musical number - and the author keeps the action moving at a brisk pace while presenting us with a number of comic characters.

If you relish intelligent, campy humor laced with a healthy dose of raunchiness, you'll thoroughly enjoy Douglas McEwan's "Tallyho, Tallulah". And if you haven't yet read "My Lush Life", pick that up too for a double treat.  

That was wholly unsolicited, which is why the judge had to drop all charges - again!   Cheers darlings

See you at The Hobbit: The Long-Expected Prequel. But hands off Gollum! He's mine! My own!
My preciousss....